LATEST PREMYAA LEEGUE TRANSFOR NEWS (AT LAST WE HAVE ONE!)

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 12th July 2015

The transfor 'window' iz well and truly OPEN and there haz been a hive of activity amongst  aall of the Premyaa Leegue clubs! 
And az for NUFC?---at last we have signed a quality player--namely Ginio Wijnaldum from Dutch side PSV for a reported £14.5 million <(Az mentioned above, we are the LAST club to sign a player in 'the window'!) <(More to follow???----"PLEEEZE!!!")

 
TRANSFORS 'IN' so far

SIX
Bournemoooth,
The Liverbirds

FIVE
The P*ss Potters

FOWER
Swanzee,
Sooothampton,
Wotfad
The Hazbeenz & Villians
The Jellied Eels Mob

THREE
Lestaa,
Sporz

TWO
The Toffee Noses,
The Canary Custards,
The SMBs,
Chelski
Manc Blue Moonies

ONE
Manc Muppets,
The Baggie Troosers,
The Arse,
The Crystal Balls
THE TOON

THE HEEDBANGERS XX 0 THE TWO TOON X1s 1 *** FRIENDLY FIXTURE *** 43 PLAYERS USED!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 11th July 2015

CISSE SCORES THE ANLY GOAL FROM THE PENALTY SPOT

"A GAME OF TWO TOONS!"

Papiss Cisse saved wor blushes in wor new PINK and dark blue change strip on a warm evenin' in east Gatesheed ,when he convorted a very dubious penalty in the 6th minute <(given by a mackem referee!) to win this contest, contested by a total of FORTY THREE players from the two sides!
The Toon played two entirely different 11s in each half, beatin' 'The Heed' by one, who used a 'mere' 21 players in total!


THE BIG KICK OFF!

Bad misses by Sissoko, Armstrong and Riviere only added to wor frustration az we struggled to beat a very average Conference side!

By the end we'd totally lost count of the number of players who went on and off the pitch az wor brains were 'puddled' by this time!

America beckons next week for the forst team while the U18s and U21s are due to play in Ireland and Holland respectively later on this month---we will try and de at least TWO games in eetha Ireland or Holland az the trip to the USA iz a non starter <(ie: Aa havvent got enough pennies left in mee 'piggy bank'!)

2nd HALF ACTION AZ 'THE TOON' ATTACK THE RIGHT HAND GOAL

Toon team line up(ssss!)
(1st half): Darlow, Janmaat, Haidera, Lascelles, Williamson, Anita, Colback, Gouffran, Cisse, Sissoko, De Jong 
(2nd half): Woodman, Bigiramana, Ferguson, Satka, Good, Tiote, Armstrong, Aarons, Perez, Riviere, Obertan   


Attendance: estimated 4,000 (3,000 Toon fans) *

Update on Munday: Official attendance waz given az 5,258 with 3,463 of them 'Toon' fans in the East Stand and 1,795 'Heed' fans in the Main Stand (There were a canny few Toon fans in the Main Stand includin' 'us'---so there were probably 4,000 'Toon' fans in total and the rest 'Heed' fans!)

THE HEEDBANGERS v THE TWO TOON X1s **** TOONEET @ GATESHEED STADIUM

Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 10th July 2015

The 'big day'? haz finally arrived az we heed to 'The Heed' for wor forst pre season friendly of the new season.
We understand that Dutchman 'Ginio' Wijnaldum will sign for us later today---pendin' a medical!----he will of course NOT be playin' tooneet in a Toon side that will feature TWO completely different teams in the forst and second halves! <(This iz one reason I hate pre-season friendlies!----(ie: can yoo name the 22 (plus!) who will be comin' on and off the pitch after a skin-ful of liquid lubrication!?)

Pay tornstiles will be in operation, despite us bein' told that the game waz 'aall ticket' ----With NE new signings on show wor prediction iz a crowd of between 2,000 and 3,000

ANYWAY!---'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a full match report sometime tomorrow with loads of pix az well!

Watch this space!

NE NEW HEEDS @ THE HEED!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 7th July 2015

Az the week creeps on it's lookin' increasingleee likely that there will be NE new faces in wor startin' line-up against Gatesheed on Friday neet, when we take on wor 'Tyne Bridge' counterparts in a friendly @ Gatesheed Stadium @ '8 bells'!

This is very disappointin' but NOT unexpected after aall the 'War-chest' and 'Cart before the horse' hype that haz been highly publicised on the telly and in the press! <(we've seen and hord it aall before of course!)

The talk around the bars in the Toon iz aall of the depressin' nature for wor prospects for the new season az it draws ever closer!

We shall see---lets hope this 'War chest' iz opened soon!

THE GEORDIE TIMES TV FIXTURE PREDICTIONS--LATEST SCORE 5-2 to THE GEORDIE TIMES

Updated 10:27am bells Saturday 4th July 2015

The telly fixtures for August and September have been announced  and 'The Geordie Times' predicticted the followin' fixtures would (or wouldn't) be moved ---lets see how many we got reet---OR---wrang!


Sat August 8th v Sooothampton @ SJP < We predict that this game WILL be moved to Sunday 9th az wor opponents are in Europaa Leegue action 2 days before <(We were REET---now '1:30 bells' Sun August 9th) 1-0 to The Geordie Times!) 

Sat 15th v Swanzee away < We predict that this game will NOT be picked for live telly and will be played at the original time and date <(We were REET--2-0 to The Geordie Times)

Sat 22nd v Manc Muppets away < Not sure aboot this one, but we 'fink' that it will NOT be moved for live telly <(We were WRANG--now 12:45 bells on the same day---live on BT) 2-1 to The Geordie Times)

Sat 29th v The Arse @ SJP < We predict that this game WILL be moved for live telly! <(We were REET---now 12:45 on the same day--live on BT) 3-1 to The Geordie Times

Sat 12th September v The Jellied Eels Mob away < We predict that this game will NOT be picked for live telly and will be played at the original time and date < (We were WRANG---now 8:00 bells Mon 14th Aug) 3-2 to The Geordie Times

Sat 19th v Wotfad @ SJP < We predict that this game will NOT be picked for live telly and will be played at the original time and date < (We were REET) 4-2 to The Geordie Times

Sat 26th v Chelski @ SJP < We predict that this game WILL be moved for live telly < (We were REET---now 5:30 bells on the same day---live on SKY) 5-2 to The Geordie Times

BROLLYMAN THANKS 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'! --- EXCLUUUSIVE!

Posted '2:22pm bells Friday 3rd July 2015

"52,000 EMPTY SEATS! ---NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A 'WARM WELCOME'!--THANK YOU!"

'The Geordie Times' haz just receeeved a personal e mail from wor new heed coach

"Dear Fink

Thank you for the warm welcome!

I wanted to take the opportunity to write to you directly to thank you for the warm welcome I have received since I arrived at Newcastle United

I will be in touch again before our first game at Gateshead next week, shortly before we depart for the USA!

Best wishes

Steve McClaren
Head coach"

HEEDBANGERS TICKETS NOW ON SALE---SHEFF U TICKETS AZ WELL!

Updated '1:33pm bells' Friday 3rd July 2015

Tickets for wor game @ Gatesheed a week today are now on sale priced @ £15 for big kids, £10 for zimmerframeites and just £3 for sprogs! (kick off '8 bells')

Tickets for wor friendly @ Sheff U ('1 bells' Sunday 26th July) are aalso on sale @ £15 for big kids and a fiver for zimmerframeites and sprogs 

Pre season trainin' started on Wednesday and with ne transfors to talk aboot, we are amongst just 3 Premyaa Leegue clubs who have yet to make a move in the transfor market!

Wor game against Sacramento Republic in America on 18th July  iz 'selt oot' we understand! <(so divvint waste a 5,062 mile trip if yi havvent got a ticket!) <(AYE! we checked the distance from SJP!)

That's just SEVEN days to gan now til wor forst pre season friendly---and ne new players to show off---so far!
Get the WAR CHEST OOT!---"QUICK!" <(or else we will be in trouble!)

"WHO ARE YOU!?"

Posted '1:11pm bells' Friday 26th Joon 2015

NUFC's NEW ASSISTANT MANAGER---HE's THE ONE ON THE LEFT!--WE THINK?
 

News that *household name Ian Cathro iz to be appointed assistant manager of NUFC haz reached 'The Geordie Times' (*A 'household name' in hiz own house anyway!)

We aall remember him of course, playin' for Forfar, Clyde and Brechin City, don't we!? <(az a youth player!) --He nevaa made it to the forst teams of the above clubs!

The man from 'Jockland'  iz wor FOURTH choice for the post aftaa Steve Round, Bolo Zenden and Phil Neville aall torned this 'prestigious' post doon!
To be fair to him we've hord from a reliable sauce that he's not a bad coach---(wor 'reliable sauce' bein' one of wor drinkin' companions-- 'Grumpy Stumpy'!)    

Later on he became a coach at Dundee United and assistant manager at Rio Ave (Portugal) and Valencia in Spain and will take up hiz post before pre season trainin' starts next Wednesday.

We wish him well!--He'll need it workin' for this lot!

WAR CHEST NEWS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 25th Joon 2015

Still ne news to report on inpendin' transfors and it iz now just 5 days before the players report back for pre-season trainin'!--and 15 days before wor forst friendly @ Gatesheed
Ne news eethaa aboot TV fixtures which were supposed? to be annoonced yesterday

We will of course let yi naa (2nd hand, forst!) of any developments on eethaa front az soon az we find oot!

10 DAYS AND COONTIN'!

Posted '9:23am bells' Sunday 21st Joon 2015
(The langest day of the year!)


"THE CLOCK'S A TICKIN'!"
(Somewhere near St James' Park)

There are just 10 days to gan before the NUFC squad retorn for pre-season trainin' and not one new forst team player haz been rumoured to sign-- or iz due to sign when the 'window' opens on the same day! (we understand that a total of 73 (plus!) possible 'nonsense' signings have been mentioned in the press, includin' Shola Ameobi !---so take NE notice of that!) <(for example, former Toon keeper and Sundih Sun columnist Pavel Srnicek, who haz absolutleee ne conection with NUFC now, claims that Sparta Prague winger Ladislav Krejci HAZ had talks with NUFC!---how the hell does he naa that--like!???) <(he then gans on to say:
"I don't know whether anything has happened this summer but of course I would recommend it if anything happens!") <(ie: he hazzent got a clue wethaa he haz actually had talks with NUFC!!!)
Total nonsense!

'This so caalled 'WAR CHEST' spendin' money that Bob Monc(s)cur haz been tellin' us aboot in 'The Ronny-Gill' ower the last couple of weeks iz still jammed shut and the nearer it gets to the start of the new season the more nervous the Toon faithful will get if the promise? of at least SIX new players doesn't come to fruition!

Wor forst, forst team pre-season game at Gatesheed in just 19 days time could well start with ne new players in wor line up, which would be a massive let doon after aall the 'War Chest hype'

Indeed! wor forst Premyaa Leegue game on the 8th of the 8th iz now fast approachin' and with a season ticket rebellion from many p*ssed off fans (the deadline for renewals haz been put back THREE times to date!) a less than full SJP iz likely against Sooothampton!

We can anly hope (and pray!) that they manage to 'jemmy' the 'War Chest' open and spend some of the 'bit'--or else it will be anothaa season of despair for the lang sufferin' faithful!