"FIFTY TWO QUID? --- YI HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 11th March 2015

While the 'blue half' of Morseyside are chargin' NUFC fans just £20 to get in next week, the 'red half' on the othaa side of Stanley Knife Park just half a mile away are chargin' us a staggerin' £52 when we play there next month!
Restricted view tickets at the back and sides are a ridiculous £47 for a view of somebodys heed and NOT the pitch, if they stand up! <(and of course they WILL!)

That's a price difference of £32 between the two Morsey giants!
It's total rip-off madnesss!!!!

THE TOON U21s 1 THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE U21s 1 *** FA PREMYAA RESORVE LEEGUE

Posted '11:30am bells' Tuesday 10th March 2015

'Curious George'

Last neet the resorves drew 1-1 with Stoke in front of a sparse crowd @ a windswept and freezin' cold St James' Park!

The game waz'nt very good and didn't come to life til midway through the 2nd half when the visitors took the lead when Perry vollied home @ The Leazes End.

We replied through Tom Heardman in the 78th minute when he toe poked the baall into the net from inside the 6 yard box @ The Gallowgate End, after a pin-point cross from Adam Armstrong!

There waz ne more scorin' az we froze to death in The East Stand!

Attendance: 397

Match report by wor rovin' reporter, 'Curious George'! 

S.O.S. TICKETS NOW ON SALE!

Posted '10:15am bells' Munday 9th March 2015

THE 'SCENIC' ROUTE TO THE S.O.S. ---FOTO TAKEN ON LAST VISIT
(500 YARDS/METRES FROM THE GROOND!)
"ARE THOSE PEOPLE'S HOOSES!?"

Tickets have went on sale today for wor derby game @ The Stadium Of Sssshhh! (Yee Naa Wot!) and 100 loyalty points are needed to purchase a ticket (That's for fans who have been to at least 100 away games under the loyalty system!)

Tickets are priced @ £39 for big kids, £26 for zimmerframeites and £15 for sprogs under 16

The loyalty points will drop to 95 on Wednesday and 90 on Friday

*****************************************************

In othaa news: Wor U21/resorve side are in action tooneet at 'The Cathedral on the Hill' when we play The P*ss Potters of Stoke U21s.
The East Stand az per usual iz where yoo shud heed for if yoo are gannin'---FREE to season ticket holders & members---£3 and £1 everbody else!

Unfortunately aa won't be there (again!) because of work commitments, but aa will be sendin' 'Curious George' who iz mee 5 year old grandbairn Jamie's pet monkey, to report on the game! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

THE WHITLEY BAYWATCHERS 1 THE BAD BLUE BOYS OF DUNSTON 0 *** NORTHERN LEEGUE DIVISION 1

Posted '10:08am bells' Sunday 8th March 2015

WELCOME TO WHITLEY BAY! (THE SEA IZ IN THE DISTANCE!)
This pub owner obviously hord that 'The Bad Blue Boys'
were in toon and boarded up hiz windows!

With anothaa weekend to fill in with ne 'Toon' futbaall it waz decided to heed for the delights of Whitley Bay to watch their Northern Leegue encoontaa against The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston!

The weathaa forecast for Saturday 2 days before on the telly showed the north east in a bright yellow glow and temperatures into double figures az the weathergorl smiled and pointed hor finger towards Whitley Bay on the map!

And the reality???---Honestly it waz absolutleee perishin' az me 'Davy the Silver Fox' and 'Grumpy Stumpy' <(who iz aalways 'on the scrumpy'!) alighted from Whitley Bay metro station!

Stumpy's right knee waz 'cattle trucked' and with the aid of 2 crutches he made hiz way very slowly towards the forst boozer 'on the list' just doon the road, in a howlin' gale. <(so much for the weathaa forecast!)
However the appropriately named 'Station' liquid lubrication location waz BOARDED UP! and we had ne choice to 'move on' and hope the next one wasn't! <(Stumpy waz NOT amused!)

It WAZ open and we made wor way into 'Itsgeralds' for the 2nd 'lubrication' of the day (the forst one waz in 'The Botanist Bar' next to Greys Monument in Newcasel city centre where we'd met up!)

I say 'Itsgeralds' az the 'F' waz missin' off the sign and the 6 or so clientele inside were proppin' up the bar so it wouldn't collapse!

'ITSGERALDS!

A few 'liquids' later and it waz time to heed for the groond!--Az 'Grumpy Stumpy' could hardy waalk  we flagged doon a taxi to take us their a mile or so inland!

We made a 'b-line' for The Seahorse Clubhoose inside the ground where we bumped into several committee men from Dunston and a few Whitley fans who we knew!

Ootside the bitin' wind waz howlin' once more and it waz obvious that the game would be spoiled by this!---and it WAZ az the Whitley Bay goalie kicked the baall doon the middle of the field it veered off course in mid flight and ended up knockin' aall the sauces and condiments off a table next to the hot dog stand!---much to the amusement of the 300 crowd!

After 25 minutes 'Grumpy Stumpy' had had enough and made for the warmth of the clubhoose for some cold cider!

THE BAD BLUE BOYS ARE IN RED!

The score waz 0-0 at half time and after a couple more 'gargels' in the 'said' clubhoose, we reluctantly heeded back to wor freezin' cold standin' place on the terraces!
The 2nd half waz ne better than the forst and just when it looked like the game would end goal-less up popped a Whitley Bay striker called Mike Williamson! who waz through on goal and he beat the Dunston keeper to win the game with just a few minutes to gan! (NO! Toon defender Mike Williamson hazzent been sent on loan to Whitley!)

It waz then a taxi to Tynemooth to sample the delights of 'The Cumberland Arms' before catchin' the metro back to The Toon for the final 'lubrications' in 'The Strawberry' next to St James' Park!

AZ YI CAN SEE BY THE SWAYIN' PUB SIGN ---
IT WAZ DEED WINDY IN TYNEMOOTH AZ WELL!

Attendance: 307 (50 or so 'Bad Blue Boys'!) <(includin' at least 20 committee men!)    

"CHEER UP!---YI WON!"

BLANKETY BLANK YET AGAIN!!!!

Posted '11:30am bells' Saturday 7th March 2015

"YOU'LL NEVER (EVER!) GET RID OF ME!"

With wot seems like a fortnightleee occurrence theeze days, we find worselz with yet anothaa 'blankety blank' weekend to fill in thanx (once again!) to wor FA Cup exit on January 3rd!

However!---we are gannin to get wor 'fix' @ Hillheads in Whitley Bay this afternoon where 'The Whitley Baywatchers' are takin' on 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston' in a Northern Leegue encoontaa!

The Seahorse Clubhoose at the groond will be wor main 'target' before the game, where several 'liquid lubrications' will be consumed!

It shud be a canny game, so if yoo are in the area and are plannin' on gettin' a sun tan on Whitley Bay beach, just think of wot yoo are missin' up the road and make a 'b-line' for the tornstiles instead! <(the sun tan on your magnificent beer-gut can wait!) 

Not that yoo will be remoteleee interested, but a full 'Geordie Times' match/hootch report will appear here sometime on Sunday alang with excluuusive match action pix! <(bet yiz cannit wait!???)

CISSE BANNED FOR 7 GAMES! **** EVANS FOR 6!

Updated '11:20am bells' Saturday 7th March 2015

CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT JONNY EVANS
DID HOCKLE IN PAPISS CISSE'S FACE!
IN A STATEMENT EVANS SAID:
 "I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I DID NOT SPIT AT PAPISS CISSE!" 

Followin' on from the now infamous spittin' incident between Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse on Wednesday neet @ St James', Cisse haz admitted and apologised for hiz reaction to Evans hocklin' in hiz face, (by doin' the same to him!) and haz been banned for the next SEVEN games!

This rules wor top goal scorer oot til the last 3 games of the season and he will miss games against The Toffee Noses, The Arse, The SMBs, The Liverbirds, Sporz, Swanzee and Lestaa!

Evans, on the othaa hand DENIED he did anythin' of the kind and waz defended by hiz manager Louis Van Crash <(apparently he's been in loads of road accidents!) claimin' that the incident DIDN'T happen and Jonny 'is a nice lad' and could never de such a thing???? <("Oh NO!?"---see top pic Louis!")

CISSE WIPES AWAY THE SPIT FROM HIZ FACE!

The 'excluuusive' footage obtained by 'The Geordie Times' clearly shows him hocklin' at Cisse az he stands above wor number 9!
How the hell can he deny THAT!? (He had until '6 bells' last neet to answer the charge! <("GUILTY MA' LORD!")

Updated Saturday: HE WAZ FOOND GUILTY OF COURSE AND BANNED FOR SIX GAMES!

THE TOON 0 THE MANC MUPPETEERS/COCKNEY REDS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Thorsday 5th March 2015

"LIFE CAN BE 'KRUL'!"

Wot can we say?---a game that waz peterin' oot into a goal-less draw waz won in the last minute of normal time when Mehdi Abeid sent a 100mph back pass to Tim Krul in The Toon goal and hiz disastrous 'panic attack' kick, foond the feet of Man U's Ashley Young, who had the simple task of slottin' the baall into the corner of the net from just 10 yards oot, to break wor hearts and send the 3,000 or so Manc/Cockney/Irish/Welsh (etc etc!) Muppets in the away section into raptures!

We shud have had a penalty in the 10th minute, when, az Riviere raced into the box @ The Leazes End, he waz upended by Chris Smalling, but the ref waved away any protests and yet anothaa bad 'call' waz made az we fumed in the stands! <(BT and Match of the Day later confirmed that INDEED a spot kick shud have been awarded to 'us'!)
There were several chances from both sides throughoot the match, but neethaa could make the breakthrough until Krul's 'gaff'!
(He'd had a blinder up until this point with 3 great saves to deny the visitors!)

The main taalkin' point of the 1st half however, waz when after a tangle of legs, Papiss Cisse clashed with Johnny Evans.
The Manc player unforgivably hockled in Cisse's face and wor number 9 repaid 'the complement' in kind! <(can yoo blame Cisse for that?---WOT would YEE DE if somebody spat in YOUR face???)

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL DURIN' THE 1st HALF

10 minutes after the re-start Krul made a fantastic double save @ The Leazes End to deny the visitors! 

Spiderman Gutierrez then came on to replace Ryan Taylor midway through the 2nd half and he received a rapturous reception from The Toon fans after hiz fight against cancer!---it wa great to see him back!

Anyway!---the game waz lost once Man U had scored so late on and anothaa unfortunate defeat iz now on John 'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver's CV

Hiz NUFC record in charge now reads: Played 10---won 2---drawn 3---lost 5    
Home record: Played 5---won 1---drawn 2----lost 2 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor (Gutierrez 66), Obertan, Abeid, Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi (Gouffran 81), Cisse, Riviere (Perez 69)

Attendance: 49, 801 (nearly 2,000 lower than wor game against Villa on Saturday!) Double ticket prices, live telly and the fact that NE tickets went on general sale to prevent any Man U fans buyin' tickets for the home sections, were the main reasons it wasn't a 'sell-oot'!)  (3,000 (plus) Muppets in Leazes level 7 az usual!)  *

THE TOON v THE MANC MUPPETEERS/COCKNEY REDS *** TOMORROW NEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 3rd March 2015

'The Cockney Reds of Salford' come to Toon tomorrow evenin' in wot iz wor 2nd home game in 5 days! ('7:45 bells'---live on BT Sport)

We very much doubt if they will play az badly az 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' did on Saturday, but we can anly live in hope!

Louis Van Crash <(apparently he's had loads of road accidents!) brings hiz 4th placed side to SJP, lookin' for hiz forst ever win against us at wor place in hiz 3rd attempt!
(He waz manager of Barcelona in 1997 when we won 3-2 and then AZ Alkmaar in 2007 when we won 4-2!)

Wor home record against Man U however doesn't make good readin' with just ONE win in the last ELEVEN games and losin' EIGHT times!

WE sit cemented in 11th place, 5 points above Palace in 12th and 4 points behind Stoke in 10th and 'The Fat Controller's wish that we shud finish in mid-table mediocrity looks likely to come to fruition!

History lesson: We forst played 'Newton Heath' <(az Man U were then known) @ SJP 120 years ago, when we won 3-0 on 13th April 1895.
Bill Thompson, John McNee and Will Milne got wor goals in an old 2nd Division game played oot in front of 4,000 spectators!

Geordie Times history: A 2-2 draw in 1967 when The Leazes End sang "Bobby iz a Geordie!" to Man U centre forward Bobby Charlton! <(Can't imagine that happinin' tomorrow neet, IF he decides to torn up in the Directors Box,--- can yoo?) 

Jim Iley and Tommy Robson got wor goals that December day az a 48,639 crowd watched on!

Wor aall time record against them isn't good havin' lost twice az many games az we have won! 
(Games played: 160---Won 41, Drawn 37 and lost 82!)

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Thorsday! 

THE LIVERBIRDS U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 3 *** FA PREMYAA U18s LEEGUE @ KIRKBY ACADEMY

Posted '8:55am bells' Munday 2ndMarch 2015
(Match played  Saturday dinnaatime)

Match report by 'The Secret Pigeon'!

"The Secret Pigeon' landed @ Kirkby Academy with 35 minutes of the U18s game being played, havin' sneaked away early from work! 
It appears that the person who I asked what was the score can't have arrived much before me, as I was told the score was 0-0
A goal by an unknown player before my arrival however, meant that it was in fact 1-0 to The Toon!

Subsequently <(The Secret Pigeon naaz aall the big words!) someone else scored in the 40th minute to make it 2-0!

No team sheet and no glasses means 'The Secret Pigeon' won't be tellin' you the scorers, but if you want to know them subscribe to LFC TV as it's on there!

Half time 2-0 and the crowd of aboot 120 are tucking in to burger and chips, however 'The Secret Pigeon' is gannin hungry as I left my wallet in the car in the rush to get in! <(obviously there are ne thieves in Liverpool!)

Liverpool pull 1 back with a well worked goal in the 60th (ish) minute!---Flustered after an argument with a steward as I tried to get a picture! <(Hence ne match pix!)

3-1 to Toon, 2 minutes later!---can't type quick enough!

The Toon look relatively comfortable throughout the 2nd half, competin' well in the mid-field and defendin' well---bar the goal conceded! A similar scoreline in April would make me happy! <(When we play @ Anfield!)

Time to fly!" <(Wot!---in a CAR?)



Special thanx to 'The Secret Pigeon' for this in depth <(of despair!) match report!---An extra packet of Trill bird seed iz on it's way to him az we speak!



    

THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '9:29am bells' Sunday 1st March 2015

"WHO'S YOUR NEXT 'MESSIAH'?"---
"JASPER CARROTT!???"

'The Hazbeenz & Villians' came to St James' Park on the back of six defeats in a row and were hopin' that new heed coach Tim Sherwood would be able to dig them oot of the mire of 2nd bottom place in the Premyaa Leegue!

Of course there waz 'history' between the fans, when in 2009 Villa fans took great pleasure in witnessin' wor relegation to The Championship, when they unveiled banners in The Holte End of Villa Park, which read: "SOB ON THE TYNE!" and "WHO'S YOUR NEXT 'MESSIAH'?"---"ANT OR DEC!???"

There waz absolutleee ne need for this at the time az The Toon and Villa  fans (up til this point in history) had ne animosity between them!---this aall changed on that fateful day in 2009 and we have never forgotten that they 'took the p*ss' and laughed at wor demise and even had those banners made, to 'rub it in'"!


"WOT GANS AROOND!---COMES AROOND!" 

'GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!' *** CISSE'S GOAL!
(HE IZ PARTIALLY HIDDEN BY NUMBER 28 AMEOBI)

The game started off with many mistayks from both sides, but Villa had the better chances orly on and 'fluffed their lines' in front of goal on 3 occasions at least @ The Gallowgate End!

A rare sorte into The Leazes End in the 37th minute from 'us' saw an unmarked Papiss Cisse score from inside the box, from a pinpoint Janmaat cross from the right!---wor FORST shot on target az well! to send 49,000 of the 51,000 plus crowd, wild with delight! (Villa had 2,000 travellin' fans!)

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (2nd half)
(View from Milburn Stand balcony)

We played much better in the 2nd half and 2 chances of note were missed by us. The 1st waz when Obertan waz put through---he raced up the pitch and with anly Guzan in the Villa goal to beat he 'baallzd it up' and missed hiz chance.
Then 'at the death' Perez hit the post after Guzan punched clear, but 'it mattered not' az we played oot SEVEN minutes of stoppage time <(where the hell did they get that from?) before the ref finally blew, much to the relief of The Toon faithful!

We are now 'cemented' in 11th place in the table, while 'The Hazbeenz' remain 2nd bottom in the relegation 'mire' <(oh how we would celebrate if they went doon!)

And yi naa that old sayin'---divvint yiz!---
"WOT GANS AROOND COMES AROOND!"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidara (Ryan Taylor 61), Obertan (Gouffran 78), Sissoko, Abeid, Sammy Ameobi, Riviere (Perez 73), Cisse

Attendance: A MAGnificent/foolhardy? 51,573 (2,000 plus 'Hazbeenz & Villians'!) *

PS: Jasper Carrott iz a diehard Bormingham City fan!---the ideal choice for the next Villa manager!