THE CRYSTAL BAALLS V THE TOON *** TONEET

Posted '10:25am bells' Wednesday 11th February 2015


THE LAST TIME WE WERE HERE (SEPTEMBER!) RIVIERE SCORES FROM
THE PENALTY SPOT IN THE LEEGUE CUP---WE WON 3-2!


For the 2nd time this season we must heed for the depths of sooth London where we take on 'I beg your Pardew's Palace side @ Selhurst Park <(comin' here once mid-week iz bad enough---but TWICE!???)

We are on the '12:25 bells' choo choo train to King's Cross and shud arrive in good time for some customary 'gargels' aroond that area!

Team news: Siem De Jong haz suffered a collapsed lung and will be oot for the foreseeable future, while Steve Taylor, Ronaldo Aarons, Rob Elliot and Cheik Tiote are aall 'crocked' and wont feature toneet @ '8 bells'!

Selhurst Park iz a lucky ground az far az we are concerned and we are gannin for wor SEVENTH win in a row there! <(lang may it continue!)

History lesson: Amazingly wor forst ever visit to Selhurst Park waz az recently az 1965 when we drew 1-1 in an (old 2nd Division game in front of 21,756. Bobby Cummings scored wor goal that day!

'Geordie Times' history: 45 years ago! (see ground number 014 archive report from 1970 which iz printed below!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match/hootch report will appear here az per usual in good course! *

THE TOON U21s 1 THE ARSE U21s 2 @ ST JAMES' PARK *** MONDAY NEET

Posted '11:11pm bells' Tuesday 10th February 2015 <(better late than never!)

Match report by wor new female futbaall correspondent
'Rosie Bear'!

Followin' on from 'Beanpole' Crouch's 90th minute equaliser for Stoke the day before, 'The Toon' fell to their 2nd cruel blow in two days @ SJP when a last gasp goal from 'The Arse' U21s gave the visitors aall 3 points at a less than packed groond!

'The Arse' took the lead in the 36th minute when Iwobo weaved through The Toon's defence to beat goalie Freddie Woodman @ The Gallowgate End!

Then in the 55th minute Dan Barlaser shot through a crowd of defenders to level things and send the 1,000 plus crowd, mostly housed in The East Stand, wild with delight!

That 'delight' didn't last, however, and deep into stoppage time Lipman heeded home @ The Leazes End to secure the 3 points for The Arse's 2nd string in this U21s 2nd Division game.
The Toon, despite this result, remain 'top of the tree' in forst place in the table!

Attendance: 1,305 (highest of the season home or away!)  *

THE TOON 1 THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE 1 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:42am bells' Munday 9th February 2015

"THE QUESTION ON EVERYBODYS LIPS PRIMEMINISTER---IS!"----
"IS WATCHING US TALK ABOUT THE ECONOMY AND DEFICIT 
MORE INTERESTING THAN WATCHING
NEWCASTLE v STOKE ON SKY?"
"WELL! THE ANSWER HAS GOT TO BE YES!!!"

"MR BEAN SPOILS THE PARTY!!!" 

A visit to The Newcastle Arms before the match told it's own story on just wot the attendance waz likely to be, az the bar waz half empty just two hours befor kick off, when normally it would be 'packed to the rafters'

A few 'liquid lubrications' later and it waz time to heed for The Milburn Stand level 7 to take up wor seats and the huge gaps in The Leazes End away section told us that this would be the lowest crowd of the season (Stoke had sold less than half of their 3,000 allocation of tickets!)

If yoo were watchin' this match in the hoose then yoo surely would have reached for the 'remote' and switched the telly ower to sommik more interestin' like 'The Politics Show' with Andrew Marr!

For us who were sat freeezin' inside SJP it waz a different story az we didn't have that option and just had to sit and suffer this dross on the pitch below us!

CABELLA SENDS IN A FREE KICK @ THE LEAZES END (1st half)

A truly aafil game between two mid-table sides who were lookin' ower their shoulders at even worse dross below us in the table!

By half time we were wishin' that it waz 'full time' az both teams gave the baall away time after time and that 5-1 victory against them last season seemed a very lang time ago! (and highly improbable today!)


VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY TOWARDS THE EAST STAND


Jack Colback proved to be wor savior when it looked certain that the game would end goal-less when he fired home in the 74th minute @ The Gallowgate End to awake the lifeless crowd from their slumbers!
Reely!--he shouldn't have been on the pitch az a bad tackle from him on a Stoke players not lang before, waz waved on when a bookin' waz deserved. He should have been sent off az this waz hiz 2nd bookin' of the game but the ref Mr 'Friend' thankfully missed the incident!
Super-sub'? Gabriel Obertan then missed a great chance to win the game when he 'fluffed hiz lines' inside the box---and a forthaa chance from Perez who weaved through the visitor defence, only to blast the baall high ower the bar, when it waz easier to score, would prove to be very costly indeed just a few minutes later!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END GOAL


The P*ss Potts' then sent on their 'secret weapon', namely 'Bean Pole Crouch' with just 10 minutes to gan and some frantic defendin' @ The Leazes End from us looked to have secured the 3 points---BUT!---with just seconds to gan before the board waz raised for stoppage time up stepped 'Mr Beanpole' to heed home at the near post with Tim Krul in The Toon goal well and truly beaten!

A predictable result, but with 2 valuable points chucked away (yet again!) it leaves us stuck in 11th place, 11 points above the drop zone!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Haidara, Anita (Cisse  65), Coloccini, Williamson, Sissoko, Colback, Perez, Cabella ( Obertan 69), Sammy Ameobi (Abeid 86)

Attendance: 47,763 (the lowest of the season which waz originally predicted by 'The Geordie Times'--but we changed wor minds when we hord that they had slashed prices to try and get bums on seats, but it didn't work this time!---wonder why???) (No more than 1,300 P*ss Potts' who sang 'Delilah', by Tom Jones umpteen times---WHY?---Tom Jones comes from sooth Wales, NOT Staffordshire!???)   *


In othaa news The U21s are takin' on 'The Arse U21s @ SJP @ '7 bells' tooneet, if yoo fancy freeezin' to death again!

Az iz usual in theeze situations when 'The mad-sad groundhopper' can't get to a resorve or junior game because of 'graft', we will be sendin' a new member of wor team to report on toneets proccedings!---watch this space tomorrow to find oot just who he/she iz!
PS: will be updated on Tuesday neet sometime <(remember! we bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Updated '9:50pm bells' Saturday 7th February 2015

ACTION @ THE BRITANNIA STADIUM ORLIER THIS SEASON (we lost 1-0)

Tomorrow @ '2:05 bells' Mark 'sour puss' Hughes brings hiz 'P*ss Potts' to SJP for a live SKY telly game!
Just why? SKY chose 'this one' iz anybodys guess az I'm sure that most fans who have ne interest in eethaa team will NOT be rushin' to their local to watch it!???

Because of slow ticket sales and the fact that wor visitors wont bring many fans, prices have been slashed and yoo can buy a 'big kids' ticket for £20 for level 7 of The Leazes End and a sprogs ticket for a fiver!

The lowest crowd of the season waz predicted by us, but givin' the above prices, that might not be the case and we could even get a 50,000 plus crowd! <(we must be mad!)

(Wor lowest crowd so far this season iz 49,119 when we played 'Broken Nose Bruce's' Hull side!)

 

Team news: Gabriel Obertan, Paul Dummett and Ryan Taylor are back in the squad,  but Taylor's namesake Steve iz still side-lined, while Rolando Aarons and Rob Elliot are still 'crocked' and Cheik Tiote iz on African Cup duty with the Ivory Coast!

History lesson: Wor forst ever meetin' with Stoke @ SJP happened 117 years ago on 20th April 1898 when we won 2-1 in a 'test match' (play-off) for promotion to the (then) 1st Division.
17,000 were in attendance and Johnny Harvey and Will Smith got wor goals!

'Geordie Times' history: A 3-1 win in front of 39,408 (includin' me!) on 24th March 1967, some 48 years ago, with Peter Noble gettin' a 'brace' and John McNamee gettin' the othaa goal!

Last season we beat them 5-1 on Boxin' Day, with Remy (2), Gouffran, Cabaye and Cisse (pen) scorin' wor goals in front of 51,665---A repeat of that tomorrow afternoon would be very nice indeed! 

In total we have played 'The P*ss Potts' 89 times in wor history, winnin' 43, drawin' 20 and losin' 26 times!

Posted Saturday dinnaatime:
In othaa news we can tell yoo that North Shields FA Vase tie against Phoenix Sports this afternoon iz ON!---az iz Gatesheed's FA Trophy tie against Wrexham @ Gatesheed Stadium (both '3 bells' kick offs)
Dunston's Vase game at Glossop waz caalled of yesterday due to a frozen pitch!

PS (much later!)
North Shields won 4-1 in front of a 1,000 plus crowd, while 'The Heedbangers' drew 2-2, but lost 5-4 in a penalty shootout after extra time! 

 

 

EVERTON U18s v THE TOON U18s @ FINCH FARM

Posted Saturday dinnatime!---LIVE FROM SCOUSERLAND!



LIVE ACTION FROM THE 1st HALF THANX TO 'SECRET PIGEON'S' CAMERA!


We have 'flown' wor secret undercover reporter ---non othaa than 'Secret Pigeon' to Finch Farm, (at great expense!) where Everton U18s are playin' wor U18s---the game kicked off @ '12:30 bells' and we can bring yoo live upates now from 'Secret Pigeon's mobile 'telling bone'!

'12:34 bells' (4th minute): Everton gan aheed after Toon keeper Harker kicks the baall straight to one of their strikers and he puts the home side 1-0 up!

'12:57 bells': 2-0 to home side ---Toon hardly in Everton half!

'1:05 bells': 3-0!---anothaa howler from wor keeper! Cross at ground level and wor keeper pushes the baall into hiz own net!---I could have stopped it with my wing! <(Secret Pigeon!)

 

'1:08 bells' : That's 4!---I hope my battery does not die at this rate!

HT 4-0 to Everton! ---The Secret Pigeon haz had az many touches az the Everton keeper!

"ER!"---It's time for 'The Geordie Times' to 'gan on the hoy' and we will update yoo the final score later!---lets hope it isn't a cricket score!

Update '2:55 pm bells'
Back from the boozer for sommik to scran!

'1:43 bells': That's 5!---with the 'Six Nations' underway this could be a rugby score!

'1:57 bells': Everton no 15 sent off for horrific tackle on Heaney

'2:02 bells': George ne well? scores a screamer from ONE yard--hopefully starting the biggest comeback since the Arsenal game (4-4!) 5-1 to Everton!

Final score 5-1 ---Off back to my perch to warm up! "Coo Coo!"

Crowd: 46 (includin' the security guard who telt me not to stand behind the goal in case I got hit by the ball!)

THE ULTIMATE DISASTER DAY!

Posted '12:37pm bells' Friday 6th February 2015


"WE'RE DOOMED!!!"


43 years ago yesterday, NUFC suffered wor worst defeat in wor entire history when we got knocked oot of the FA Cup by a certain non leegue team whose name begins with the letter 'H'

'The Geordie Times' waz unfortunate 'in the extreeeme' to witness this 'disaster' aall those years ago and it gives mee NE PLEASURE WHATSOEVER to publish this archive groond report (below!)from 1972

mackem u18s 0 THE TOON U18s 0 aet (The Toon win 3-1 on penalties!) @ The SOS!

Posted '10:49pm bells' Wednesday 4th February 2015

                        ^ "WOOD YOU BELIEVE IT!" ^

Toon goalie Freddie Woodman waz the hero of the night on 'wearyside', when he valiantly saved 2 penalties (with the othaa 1 missed!) az The Toon Youth team won the tie by scorin' 3 penalties to the SMBs 1, after a goal-less 120 minutes @ 'The SOS', to progress to the qwaata final stage of the FA Youth Cup and a plumb tie against current holders Chelski @ SJP!

Adam Armstrong, Ben Drennan and Sean Longstaff were the othaa Toon 'heroes' from the penalty spot, in front of just 1,733, includin' around aboot 400 Toon fans in the South Stand! <(Some Toon fans didn't get in til half an hour after kick off, az there waz anly ONE tornstile open and there were massive queues!)

mackem U18s v THE TOON U18s *** TOONEET @ The SOS!

Posted '5:59pm bells' Wednesday 4th February 2015

In just ower an hours time wor youth team take on the mackem's equivalent in the FA Youth Cup 5th roond!

The game kicks off @ '7 bells' and Toon fans will be housed in The South Stand of The Stadium of "Shhh ye naa wot!" and admission iz £3 for big kids and £1 for everybody else!

The winners will then take on current cup holders Chelski @ home in the next roond

'The Geordie Times' will of course have a match report from the game sometime toneet/tomorrow!

NEWCASTLE RANGERS REBORN!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 3rd February 2015

WHERE NEWCASTLE RANGERS WERE BORN!---LEAZES TERRACE 1800s
(The tree on the left iz where the East Stand iz now)

Az predicted ne transfors came in but we have loaned oot SIX players on the final day of the window. Davide Santon haz went to Inter Milan while FIVE squad players are on their way to Rangers!

In 1880 Newcastle Rangers were born and they played on a patch of grass next to Leazes Terrace and St James Street and they named the 'field' St James' Park!---They folded 2 years later and Newcastle West End took ower the said 'field'.

Newcastle 'Rangers' have therefore been 'reborn' 132 years later, (thanx to a certain 'Fat Controller'!) with half of Glasgow Rangers ootfield now consistin' of Toon loaneez!
They are: Shane Ferguson, Remie Streete, Gael Bigiramana, Haris Vuckic and Keven Mbabu!

"IT'S TRANSFOR DEADLINE DAY FOLKS!"

Posted '10:10am bells' Munday 2nd February 2015

Today iz the final day of the transfor window and we await with baited breath to see if any of wor best players will be sold at the last minute to forthaa line 'The Fat Controller's' very fat wallet!

Davide Santon iz reported to be gannin to Inter Milan on loan for the rest of the season<(to lighten wor wage bill!) but nowt else at 'the mo'!

Az for incomin' transfors for large sums of money!---FORGET IT!---COMPLETLY!!!

In othaa news, wor resorve U21 game against WBA this afternoon haz now been switched from 'Blue Flames' to Darsley Park and iz now behind closed doors!
But fear not!---'The Geordie Times' iz sendin' 'Secret Pigeon' to fly ower the pitch and bring coo excluuusive news of the game, which will be online sometime tomorrow!----az per usual---watch this space!

Update Munday afternoon!: The Resorves drew 1-1 with their west midland coonterparts with Tom Heardman gettin' wor goal orly on before Albion equalised not lang after "Cooo Cooooo!"