NUFC PRE-SEASON TICKET NEWS

Posted '12:42pm bells' Thorsday 3rd July 2014

Tickets are nuw on sale from the NUFC ticket office for the followin' pre-season friendlies***

(Aa told him) Oldham @ Boundary Park on Tue July 15th
£15 for big kids and £5 for sprogs and zimmerframeites

Sheff Wed @ Hillsborough on Wed 30th July
£15 for big kids and £5 for sprogs and zimmerframeites
(It shud be noted that a NUFC X1 iz likely to be playin' in this game)

Sat and Sun 2nd and 3rd August in Jawmany tournament
£31 for a seat and £11 to stand for both games against Malaga on the Saturday and Schalke 04 on the Sunday

 'uddersfield Toon on Tue 5th Aug @ McAlpine Stadium <(it's original name) £15 for grown ups and £10 for sprogs and zimmerframeites (Again! it shud be noted that a NUFC X1 are likely to be playin')  

"GOING FOR A 'DE JONG'!" ***

Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 2nd July 2014

"TOON TAKE AJAX TO THE CLEANERS!"

For the forst time in a year and a half we have signed a player for cash who will gan straight into the forst team! (Colback waz a free transfor and Perez who cost us £1.5 'mill', waz signed az a 'one for the future')

25 year old Siam De Jong who signed from Ajax of Amsterdam yesterday haz 'cleaned oot' <(sic!) 'The Fat Controller's wallet by £ 6 'mill'
The Dutch international midfielder, who haz 6 caps for hiz country haz signed a 6 year contract and we can anly hope that he iz better than hiz now departed bruvvaa Luuk De Jong, who scored az many goals for The Toon az we have!

More class signings are still needed of course to strengthen wor squad or else we will be fightin' for wor lives at the wrang end of the table!---at least 4 more by wor reckonin'!

(For the latest NUFC transfor 'IN's and 'OOT's see below!)

NUFC SQUAD NUMBAAZ 2014-2015

Updated 'high noon bells' Wednesday 2nd July 2014


"I AM NOT A NUMBER! ***I  AM A FREE MAN!"


The latest Toon squad numbaaz for the new season are az follows:

GOALEEZ
1: Tim Krul
21: Rob Elliot
42: Jak Alnwick
47: Freddie Woodman

DIFENDAAZ
2: 'Fab' Coloccini
3: Davide Santon
6: Mike Williamson
13: Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa
16: Ryan Taylor
19: Massadio Hairara
26: Mathieu Debuchy
27: Steve Taylor
33: Curtis Good
36: Paul Dummett
37: Lobomir Satka
44: Remie Streete
? : Shane Ferguson

MIDFEELDAAZ
7: Moussa Sissoko
8: Vernon Anita
10: Hatem Ben Arfa
20: Gael Bigiramana
22 Sylvain Marveaux
24: Cheik Tiote
25: Gabriel Obertan
28: Sammy Ameobi
45: Olivier Kemen
46: Ronaldo Aarons
? : Jack Colback
? : Mehdi Abeid
? : Jonas Gutierrez
? : Haris Vuckic
? : Siam De Jong

STRIKAAZ
9: Pappis Cisse
11: Yoan Gouffran
43: Adam Armstrong
49: Adam Campbell
? : Ayoze Perez

ARMOUR-RAMA!

Posted '1:37pm bells' Friday 27th Joon 2014

THE TOON UNVEIL THEIR NEW KIT FOR THE LIVERPOOL GAME!
(NOTE THE EXTRA SHOULDER PADDING!)

News that Luis Suarez iz banned from aall futbaall for fower months makes worryin' readin' for Toon players!

For hiz Premyaa Leegue comeback for 'The Liverbirds' after hiz record ban for 'havin an Italian', iz against (would yoo believe it!?) US!

The panic stricken NUFC hierarchy have aalready contacted 'The Keep' at the 'new' castle (below) to see if they can borrow any 'bite proof' armour on display, for the game @ St James' on the forst of November! 

TOON ON TELLY! *** "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

Updated '12:45pm bells' Thorsday 26th Joon 2014


"NIGHT GOGGLES AT THE READY!"


The good news iz that The Toon's two games in New Zealand are to be shown on telly by BT Sport!

The bad news however iz that the forst one iz at '8:30 AM bells' on Tuesday 22nd July against Sydney and the second one iz even worse az it kicks off at '4:30 AM bells' on Saturday 26th July!

"Black coffee and night goggles at the ready!" ***"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

PS: news reaches us that wor two games in Jawmany on the 2nd and 3rd of August are aalso to be shown live by the Jawman tv channel 'Sports 1 TV' <(ne news yet of any UK broadcaster takin' these games!?

GEORDIETIMES QUIZ ANSWERS

Posted '2:11pm bells' Monday 23rd Joon 2014

We asked yoo two questions yesterday aboot The Toon's placin' in the aall time aggregate attendance list:

We asked yoo: " Which position in the top ten list are we!?"

The answer izzzzz!:
NUFC ARE IN 4th POSITION IN THE AALL TIME LIST!

We aalso asked yoo: "To guess just how many fans had been through the St James' park tornestiles since we joined the leegue 121 years ago in 1893!?"

The answer izzzz!:
70 MILLION PLUS!

The top ten aall time list up until the end of last season:

1 Man U *** 85,592,912
2 Liverpool *** 74,974,359
3 Arsenal *** 71,845,308
4 THE TOON! *** 70,379,044
5 Everton *** 70,300,863
6 Man C *** 65,612,949
7 Sporz *** 65,013,900
8 Villa *** 64,094,648
9 Chelski *** 63,708,425
10 SMBs *** 58,062,481

GEORDIE TIMES QUIZ

Posted '12:42pm bells' Sunday 22nd Joon 2014

Question: In the aall time top ten Futbaall Leegue/ Premyaa Leegue list, where do NUFC stand in the aggregate attendance leegue?

IZ IT!: IN 3rd POSITION? ***
4th POSITION?? ***
7th POSITION??? *** OR!
10th POSITION????

Aalso wot are wor aggregate aall time Leegue attendances since we joined the Futbaall Leegue in 1893?

IZ IT!: 50,000,000 (50 million) PLUS? *** 60,000,000 PLUS?? ***
70,000,000 PLUS??? *** OR! ***
80,000,000 PLUS???? 

The answers will appear here tomorrow sometime!
"WATCH THIS SPACE TO FIND OOT IF YOO ARE REET!"

NUFC FIXTURES 2014-2015 *** "BLUE MOON IN TOON!"

Updated '9:33am bells' Sunday 22nd Joon 2014

The Premyaa Leegue fix are oot for the new season and wor forst game like last season iz against champs 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland!
Unlike last season however, we are at home to them this time (we were away last season!)

Then we must travel to Bormingham a week later to face 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' and sample the delights of 'The Geordie Times away pub of the year', which iz 'The Wellington' not far from New Street Train Station!

A Leegue Cup tie iz then 'sandwiched in', against az yet unknown opponents or venue

The Crystal Balls then complete wor August fixtures when they visit St James' at the end of the month!

Wor langest two away trips will take place in September and October when we vist Sooothampton and Swanzee respectiveleee!


Then! fast forward to Xmas time where we will have some 'festive fun'? when we play the SMBs @ 'The SOS' 5 days before Santa comes doon the chimney and we are away to The Manc Muppets on Boxin' Day

New Years Days see's us at home to newly promoted Bornley, while wor retorn against the SMBs takes place at the start of April.
We end the season with a home game against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' on Sunday May 24th!

Ne doubt that there will be a canny few of them changed for live telly etc!

KEY:
Home games in gold
Away games in pink

AUGUST 2014

Sat 16th *** The Blue Moonies @ St James' @ '3 bells' <(bet it's not!)

Sat 23rd *** The Hazbeenz & Villians @ Villa Park @ '3 bells'

W/C 25th ***  Leegue Cup 2nd roond (draw on 13th or 14th Aug)

Sat 30th *** The Crystal Balls @ St James' @ '3 bells'

SEPTEMBER 2014

Sat 13th *** Sooothampton @ St Mary's @ '3 bells'

Sat 20th *** Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys @ St James' @ '3 bells'

W/C 22nd *** Leegue Cup 3rd roond <(if we get that far!?)

Sat 27th *** The P*ss Potters @ The Brit Stadium @ '3 bells'

OCTOBER 2014

Sat 4th *** Swanzee @ Liberty Stadium @ '3 bells'

Sat 18th *** Lestaa @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 25th *** Sporz @ White Hart Lane @ '3 bells'

NOVEMBER 2014

Sat 1st *** The Liverbirds @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 8th *** The Baggie Troosers @ The Hawthorns @ '3 bells'

Sat 22nd *** Shepherd's Bush Rag & Bone Men @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 29th *** The Jellied Eels Mob @ Upton Park @ '3 bells'

DECEMBER 2014

Tue 2nd *** Bornley @ Turf Moor @ '7:45 bells'

Sat 6th *** Chelski OAPs @ St James' @ '3:00 bells'

Sat 13th *** The Arse @ The 'Em' @ '3 bells'

Sat 20th *** The SMBs @ St James' @ '3 bells' <(aa'll bet yoo anything yoo like that this will be changed!)

'Boxin' Day' Fri 26th *** The Manc Muppets @ The Theatre of Muppets @ '3 bells'

Sun 28th The Toffee Noses @ St James' @ '3 bells'

JANUARY 2015

'New Years Day' Thu 1st *** Bornley @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat/Sun 3rd/4th Jan *** FA Cup 3rd roond

Sat 10th *** Chelski OAPs @ Stamford Bridge @ '3 bells'

Sat 17th *** Sooothampton @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 24th or Sun 25th *** FA Cup 4th roond <(If we get that far!?) 

Sat 31st *** Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys @ KC Stadium @ '3 bells'

FEBRUARY 2015

Sat 7th *** The P*ss Potters @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Tue 10th *** The Crystal Balls @ Selhurst Park @ '7:45 or 8 bells'?

Sat 21st *** The Blue Moonies @ City of Manc Stadium @ '3 bells'

Sat 28th *** The Hazbeenz & Villians @ St James' @ '3 bells'

MARCH 2015

Wed 4th *** The Manc Muppets @ St James' @ '7:45 bells'

Sat 14th *** The Toffee Noses @ Goodison Park @ '3 bells'

Sat 21st *** The Arse @ St James' @ '3 bells'

APRIL 2015

Sat 4th *** The SMBs @ The Stadium of SSHhhh! ("Ye Na Wot!?") @ '3 bells' <(bet it's not!)

Sat 11th *** The Liverbirds @ Anfield @ '3 bells'

Sat 18th *** Sporz @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 25th *** Swanzee @ St James' @ '3 bells'

MAY 2015

Sat 2nd *** Lestaa @ The Waalkers Stadium <(It's original name) @ '3 bells'

Sat 9th *** The Baggie Troosers @ St James' @ '3 bells'

Sat 16th *** Shepherd's Bush Rag & Bone Men @ Loftus Road @ '3 bells'

And finaleee!
Sun 24th *** The Jellied eels Mob @ St James' @ '3 bells' <(date and time 'cast in stone'!)

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!?" *** "I KNOW NOTHING!"

Posted '1:30pm bells' Saturday 21st Joon <(the langest day of the year!) 2014

"WHY DID 'THE TOON' UNDER PERFORM LAST SEASON!?"
"THE WORLD CUP'S TO BLAME!---I KNOW NOTHING!"

Wor manager haz been spoutin' off again aboot wor poor finish to the 2nd half of last season.
Accordin' to him the reason waz!-----"Players in contention for World Cup duty were distracted from the 'league scene' and under performed because of this!"
We have a grand total of just FOWER (4) players on World Cup duty by the way!  Namely---Tim Krul for Holland, Cheik Tiote for the Ivory Coast and Mathieu Debuchy and 'The Sissoko Kid' for France! 
Honestly the excuses comin from hiz gob get weirder and weirder!

The season before last we "under performed" because we had a load of European games to contend with and now it's the World Cup to blame!

Az there are ne International competitions next summer and NUFC arnt in Europe, wot excuse will he come up with NEXT summer???

And az for 'Ing-er-land's disasterous perfomances in Brazil, Greg Dyke says that az a "non Football person", "he knows nothing about football", and let "Football people" decide on Roy Hodgson's fate! <(he stays!)

Greg Dyke---lest we forget?--- is CHAIRMAN of the FA!
Which begs the question---if he openly admits that he is a "non football person", then wot the hells he dein there in the forst place!???

"ING-ER-LAND EXPECTED! *** AND GOT EXACTLY WOT WAZ EXPECTED!!!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 20th Joon 2014

"SUAREZ 'CHEWS' ING-ER-LAND!"


IT'S A 'NO BRAINER'!
"I WISH MY INDEX FINGER WAS A GUN!"



ING-ER-LAND 1   URUGUAY 2

Last Saturday before Ing-er-land's forst game in the World Cup 'The Geordie Times' told yoo that they had az much chance of winnin the World Cup az 'The Toon' had of winnin the Premyaa Leegue!
This prediction came back to 'bite em' last neet az they imploded against Uruguay, az a Luis Suarez 'double' 'chewed' Ing-er-land up' (sic!) and consigned them to a 2nd defeat and aalmost certain elimination from the tournament after less than FIVE DAYS!

'Luckily'? for me aa anly had to listen to Chris Waddle's 'mackem twaddle' and Alan Green's 'rants' on the radio az aa drove doon to Bormingham in mee truck and didn't have to watch this garbage on the telly, az 20 million other 'sufferers' did, throughoot the nation!  

("NOT many 'Ing-er-land' flags flyin' in wor street today!---like!)