THE TOON RESORVES v THE SPARTANS of BLYTH *** TONEET *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Toneet wor resorves take on Blyth @ St James' Park in the final of The Northumberland Senior Cup. ('7 bells' kick off)
Az Blyth have have lost the last NINE finals they have played in the result shud be a foregone conclusion!---BuT! this IZ NUFC and anythin' could happen! (Blyth lost 0-7 at home to Whitby yesterday!)

A'v got to work a neetshift doon to the Midlands again toneet (run 174 since last Joon!) so 'Liam from the Lamp' will be bringin' yoo a full match report and pix from toneets game and this will appear in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow.

Admission iz six quid for big kids and three quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and az usual anly 'The East Stand' will be open for payin' spectators! (no 'freebeez' for season ticket holders!)

NE KNEE JERK (NE JURK) REACTION *** THAT'S A STAT!

Posted '10:25am bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Followin' on from wor disastrous run of form, wor beleaguered manager now haz the followin' records:
The 1st NUFC manager to lose FIVE consecutive Premyaa Leegue games and score anly THREE goals at home since Boxin' Day!

The followin' teams have scored MORE goals at St James' Park than we have since Boxin' Day in the Premyaa Leegue: (that's!---fower (4) months!)
Sporz 4 goals and (the now sacked) 'Moyzeez Manc Muppets' 4 goals!

The followin' teams have scored the SAME number of goal at St James' Park in that time:
The SMBs and The Toffee Noses of Everton both with 3 goals each!
 We currently have scored just 20 goals @ St James' this season in 'The Premyaa'---wor lowest total in the past iz 22 goals in the 1997/98 and 2006/07 seasons!---anothaa unwanted 'Premyaa' record on the horizon for 'I Beg Your Pardew'!

With two away games left against 'The Arse' and 'The Liverbirds' and one home game against relegation threatened 'Cardiff Red Herrings' (who beat us at home in the FA Cup in January!) we face the very reeel prospect of not pickin' up one more solitary point from now til the end of the season!
'Eight in a row'? it doesn't bear thinkin' aboot!

The club's response az usual iz that: "There will be NO knee jerk reaction as to the managers future!" (or shud that read 'ne jurk' reaction?)
('Ower the Pennines', Man U beg to differ!)

THE TOON 1 THE SWAN LAKERS 2 *** PREMYAA LEAGUE 2013-2014

Posted '11:40am bells' Eeester Sunday 20th April 2014

"FREE-FALL!"

  SOMEWHERE ABOVE WOR BENTON TRAININ' BASE LAST WEEK!
'THE TOON' TRY OOT A NEW SECRET FORMATION!
(COPYRIGHT TO 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!)
(Special thanx to Porcy the Pigeon for the foto which waz taken
on hiz zoom lenz camraa!) <("honest!")

For the 5th game in a row we lost badly, which iz a new unwanted record for NUFC in the Premyaa Leegue era, az we continue to 'free-fall' doon the table with ZERO points oot of the last 15!
Just a month ago it looked impossible to finish lower than 9th in the table but with wor catastrophic losses, combined with both Stoke and Palace winnin', we face the very real possibility of finishin' the season in the bottom half!

Action @ The Leazes End in the 1st half
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

Relegation threatened Swanzee came oot with aall guns blazin' az they attacked The Gallowgate End in the forst half and were unlucky on a couple of occasions, not to take the lead!
This actually happened in the 23rd minute when WOR number 23 scored @ The Leazes End to end wor fower match goal drought and HIZ! (wait for it!)> forst goal in 1,399 minutes!

And did Shola celebrate in style, az did the fans, BUT! az the half drew to a close we conceded a corner which resulted in a heeded goal for Bony who had left hiz marker for dead! (Williamson!)

Lookin towards The East Stand and city centre

The 2nd half waz mostly dross az we went through the motions and then to cap it aall and deep into injury time Tiote needlessly gave away a penalty when he fouled Emnes, which waz convorted by Bony to send the 800 Swanzee fans wild!---It waz tooo late for a comeback of course, az we lost wor fifth game in a row and seven oot of wor last nine home games!



Action from The Gallowgate End (2nd half)


'The Arse' away are next up!!!--an eazy three points accordin' to Pardew ne doubt!?---roll on the end of the season!---anly THREE more games to gan!

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Anita, Gosling (Armstrong 80), Tiote, Gouffran, De Jong (Remy 40), Cisse (Debuchy 21), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: an unbeleeevable 51,057 considerin' wor previous home form! (800 happy Swan Lakers!)


View up Barrack Road from The Milburn Stand concourse


PS: After the match wor under fire manager said that if he had been allowed to be on the touchline we WOULDN'T have conceded that penalty!!!---Just wot waz he gannin' to de to stop Tiote foulin' the Swanzee player in the box???---run onto the pitch and heedbutt him!---perhaps!????? <(hiz excuses for defeats get more ridiculous and bizarre az the season draws to an end!)

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS *** EASTER SATURDAY @ 3 BELLS!

Updated 11:30am bells' Eeester Saurday 19th April 2014

WOR VISIT TO SWANZEE ORLIER THIS SEASON (TOON IN DARK BLUE)
WE LOST 3-0 !

Wor 2nd last home game of this troubled season takes place this afternoon @ SJP against sooth Wales opposition.
We gan into this match hopin' to arrest a torturous slide, which haz seen us lose the last fower games in a row!

And here's a 'stat' to "ROCK YOO TO THE CORE!"
The SMBs have actually scored more goals in the Premyaa Leegue @ St James' Park (3) than The Toon have this year (2) !!!  and considerin' that we are into the 2nd half of April, this iz a shockin' stat that orgently needs to be rectified against strugglin' Swanzee!

Still ne news az to wethaa Remy and Debuchy will retorn---and by god we need them!---to stop wor slide doon the table! (Stoke are just THREE points behind us in 10th place after last weeks disastrous performance against them and Palace are now just SIX points behind us in 11th place, havin' won at Everton on Wednesday neet!)

More team news when we find sommik oot!---but divvint haad yer breath!
A full and compreeehensive match report will of course follow in tomorrow's 'Geordie Times'!

THE HEEDBANGERS 2 SOOTHPORT 2 **** CONFERENCE 2013-2014

Posted '10:10am bells' Easter Saturday 19th April 2014

GATESHEED ARE IN WHITE SHIRTS
(VIEW FROM THE BACK OF THE MAIN STAND)

In front of their biggest crowd of the season, Gatesheed froze in their attempt to get into the end of season play-offs, with the prize a trip to Wembley and a place in the Futbaall Leegue in this Good Friday encooontaa @ Gatesheed International Stadium! 

'We' ,bein' me and 'Grumpy Stumpy' <(on the scumpy!) started off in 'The Bridge Hotel' next to the 'new' castle and High Level Bridge, which iz the nearest point to Gatesheed withoot actually bein' there!

THE 'NEW' CASTLE, THE TYNE BRIDGE AND THE BRIDGE HOTEL

It waz then onward 'across the waataa' to 'The Nags Head' on Gatesheed High Street which iz the unofficial HQ of 'The Heedbangers fan club'!

The bar waz packed with 'Heedbangers' who were (appropriately!) singin' their 'heeds off'!  After a few 'gargels' and a bit of 'chin-wag' it waz time to heed for the stadium and several mini-bus style taxis were waitin' for us ootside the bar to whisk us away! (it's a good 20 minute waalk to the groond from there!)

On arrival the queues to get in were massive az 'the glory-hunters' <(like us!) waited patiently to get through the tornstiles!
A fiver discount waz offered to Toon fans who showed their NUFC season tickets <(but NOWT for safc fans!)

The game kicked off and straight away the home side were on the back-foot az Soothport took the lead in the FORST minute when Luke George fired in a left footer!

A norvy 'Heed' tried to get back into the game and it wasn't until the 26th minute that they made the breakthrough when Jamie Chandler hit a sweet right foot shot into the Sootport net, sendin' the (wot looked like) 3,000 'Heedbangers crazy' in the main stand!

That waz the score at the break and again a norvy 'Heed' couldn't break doon the visitors defence in this vital game for both clubs (The Heed for the play-offs and Soothport to avoid relegation!)

The main taalkin point of the game came in the 51st minute when Sootport's 'Shola Ameobi' lookalike Emannual Monthe waz sent off for a 2nd bookable offence!---Straight away the visitors ran upfield and scored their 2nd goal with the Heed defence at sixes and sevens!

It wasn't until 'the death' that 'The Heed' got a crucial goal and point when James Marwood supplied a pass to Jamie Chandler in the 88th minute and he hit anothaa sweet right footer to again send the 'Heedbangers' wild with delight!
The point keeps The Heed in the last play-off position, just above Braintree in sixth!

After the match it waz back to 'The Nags' and then onward to the Quayside for some more liquid lubrication before heedin yem!

Attendance:2,121 includin' a 9 month old baaby screamin' hiz lungs oot for most of the match in front of us! (see above foto!) (150 Soothport fans in the far stand) < (see top  photo)
(Er! yi'll have ti torn yi heed sideways az aa cannit torn foto aroond!)

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"
THE MILBURN AND LEAZES STAND ROOF @ ST JAMES' PARK
 CAN JUST BE SEEN ON THE SYLINE IN THE CENTRE OF THE PHOTO
 (RIGHT HAND SIDE OF 2nd PANE OF GLASS!)
WHICH WAZ TAKEN FROM THE BACK OF
GATESHEED STADIUM'S MAIN STAND
"ARE THERE ANY WINDOW CLEANERS OOT THERE!?" 

THE HEEDBANGERS v SOOTHPORT *** GOOD FRIDAY @ '3 BELLS'

Updated '11:35am bells' Good Friday 18th April 2014

There's a very important game on Tyneside this afternoon---and NO!---a divvint meen a Toon game, but 'ower the waataa' in Gatesheed, where the home side are playin' a vital game against Soothport, with the aim to cement a place in the Conference 'play offs', with the ultimate prize a trip to Wembley and a place in the Futbaall Leegue!

'The Geordie Times' iz heedin' that way in the next hour or so, and 'The Nags Head' on Gatesheed High Street iz wor drinkin' destination before the match!

Admission iz just £9 for big kids if yoo produce your NUFC season ticket (just £2 for sprogs) and a good fower figure crowd iz guaranteed! <("ER!"--that's at the match, NOT at the pub!")

There will be a match/hootch report on this game in 'The Geordie Times' ower the weekend--so watch this space!

"HOWAY THE HEEDBANGERS!"

A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Posted '12:20pm bells' Wednesday 16th April 2014

'THE TOON ON TOUR!'

News last week that 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham are the 4th team in 'The Schalke Tournament' to be played in Jawmany in August iz NOT good news!
This iz because of previous 'history' between the two clubs, when infamously, some 34 years ago a Toon fan hoyed a firebomb into West Ham section of St James' Park!

Aalthough violence at matches iz ne where near the level of the 1970s and 80s there iz still a bit of 'bad blood' between the two sets of fans because of this!

Think aboot it!--both 'The Toon' and 'The Jellied Eels Mob' will take a boat-load of fans to this weekend tournament, az we both are oot of Europe next season and this will be wor/their anly chance to see European action in the next 18 months! (Aa hord that WE are takin' thoosands!)

Add in the fact that we will be mixin' with them for 4 days in the many boozers sellin' strong Jawman beer, then this iz a recipe for disaster waitin' to happen!
Whoever thought of puttin' the two sides together in a foreign tournament need their heeds knockin' together! <(are yoo reedin' this Alan Pardew?)

The othaa two teams involved are Malaga of Spain and (of course!) the hosts, Schalke 04  (Ne news of any ticket sales yet!)
Game times (but not opponents) have now been finalised and will be played @ Shalke's stadium on Saturday 2nd August with the forst game kickin' off @ '3 bells' (Jawman time!) and the second kickin' off @ '5 bells'
Then the next day the two losin' teams from the previous day will play each othaa @ '3 bells' with the winners of the previous day kickin' off @ '5 bells' (lets hope that these the anly 'kickin off times'!??)



 

GANNIN FROM BAD TO WORSE!

Posted '2:50pm bells' Tuesday 15th April 2014

GEORDIE TIMES COMMENT!

Followin' on from Saturday's disastrous defeat @ Stoke, where Toon fans---for the forst time, torned on wor beleaguered manager--- who in torn torned on the local 'rags' negative reportin' and for windin' the fans up, and blamin' them for 'US' tornin' on him! (see 'Sundih Sun' below) It haz now reached breakin' point for Pardew az wor season peetaaz oot!

Then there's the row between Ben Arfa, some othaa players and 'him' to roond off a thoroughly miserable two months for The Toon Army!
(That's!--- The Toon fans against him!, the press against him! AND the players against him!---wot next for 'I Beg Your Pardew'!???)

YESTERDAY'S SUNDIH SUN *** EVERY HEADLINE TELLS A STORY!

Posted '9:47am bells' Monday 14th April 2014

THE P*SS POTTERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '12:28pm bells' Sunday 13th April 2014



THE SOOTH STAND VISITORS SECTION
(View from row 26 , seat <(standin' place!) 901 !

Wot can we say aboot yet anothaa aaaful performance from NUFC?
A fluke goal won it for the home team but that shouldn't detract from anothaa defeat az wor season continues to 'implode'!
Wor top goalscorer Loic Remy waz again missin' and with 'Shola 'no goals' Ameobi' up front, we just aall knew that withoot Remy in wor side, we just cannot 'hack it'!

For the forst time 'anti Pardew chants' could be hord from the visitors section and there were aalso a couple of banners unfurled caallin' for hiz heed! <(but NOT for hiz heedbutt!)

SOMEWHERE TO 'TRAIN' WOR THOUGHTS!

Before the match we heeded for a different location for the pre match 'gargels' az last season we were forced to drink oot of drastic plastic pots in a boozer some 25 minutes walk from 'The Britannia Stadium!

This time it waz a 20 minute waalk on the othaa side of the groond in a boozer caalled 'The Locomotive' where we were the anly Toon fans in the bar!
The locals were friendly enough and more importantly we got to drink oot of propaa glasses for a change! <(a 'propaa pub' in Stoke!)

THE LOCOMOTIVE 'TROPHY TRAIL!'

Az for the match---and playin' in wor 'lucky'? Brazil strip, we again 'went through the motions' with Stoke makin' the most of wor ineptitude <(we naa aall the big words!)

Lanky 'bean pole' Peter Crouch <(hiz 'figure' reminds me of a car's dipstick!) heeded against wor post in the 9th minute, but luckily for us it rebounded oot to safety, but wor 'luck' waz aboot to run oot!

The anly goal of the game came when a intended cross from 'The P*ss Potts' striker Erik Pieters, deceived Tim Krul and the baall floated into the top corner of the net in front of the Toon fans, just before the interval!

Az we had hardly had any efforts on goal up til this point most Toon fans concluded that there waz ne way back!---and that of course proved to be the case in the 2nd half az we tried in vain to break doon the home defence!
A double substitution in the 73rd minute when (a rather tubby!) Ben Arfa and (slim Jim!) Adam Armstrong replaced the ineffective Gosling and Cisse, made absolutely ne difference az we 'plodded on aimlessly' til full time!  


"ER!"---YI'LL HAVE TI TORN YI COMPUTAA SIDEWAYS TO VIEW THIS
 AZ AA CANNIT TORN THE PICTURE THE REET WAY UP!?"


That's 4 (FOWER!) defeats in a row now, with 12 goals conceded and NONE scored!---it's just az well we are safe in 9th place in the table---isn't it just!?

Toon team: Krul, Steve Taylor (Yanga 61), Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Anita, Tiote, Gosling (Ben Arfa 73), Gouffran, Cisse (Armstrong 73), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: 27,400 (2,900 P*st off Toon fans!) (0 NUFC board members?) (In the photo below note the block of empty red seats in the Stoke directors box (above and to the left of the red 'STOKE CITY FOOTBALL CLUB' sign) This iz where the NUFC hiararcy shud have been sittin', but were conspicuous by their absence!---who says they divvint care!!!???