THE TOON v THE BLUE MOONIES *** TODAY!

Posted '9:38am bells' Sunday 12th January 2014

ACTION FROM WOR LEEGUE CUP TIE AGAINST
'THE BLUE MOONIES' ORLIER THIS SEASON!
(WE LOST THIS ONE 2-0!) (VIEW FROM 'THE LEAZES END')

This afternoon @ St James' we have an 'eeezy'? fixture against 'The Blue Moonies of Mancland' in a '2:05 bells' kick off, for live telly!

Wor visitors have won the last NINE games against us and (az mentioned orlier this week) they are gannin' for an unprecedented 'TEN in a row'! which shows the gulf in class between the two clubs, who are both owned by the mega rich! (one spends the money and one keeps it!) <(guess which one 'keeps it'!?)

We can anly hope that they have an 'off day' after their six-nil demolition of 'Fat Sam's Jellied Eels' last Wednesday and hope (and pray!) that we divvint put in yet anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance az we did against Cardiff last week and West Brom on New Years Day!

Both 'Fab' Coloccini and Davide Santon are likely to miss the game due to injury and 'Mat' Debuchy of course iz still suspended, after hiz daft sendin' off at West Brom!

The weathaa on Tyneside today iz very frosty az aa look oot across 'the sacred Tyne river', but can we give 'The Mancs' a 'frosty reception' az well?, in front of an expected capacity crowd!
Put your hand up pleeeze 'Dr Jykell'!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' tomorrow mornin' and then we're off on the road @ dinnaatime to sample the delights of Bishop's Stortford in Hertfordshire to watch the Toon's U21 resorve side play Sporz U21s in yet anothaa mad-sad groundhoppin' 'mission' tomorrow neet! <(wethaa permittin'!?)

Match report on that game sometime on Tuesday!

SMB U18s 0 THE TOON U18s 1 @ THE ACADAMY OF SSHHH! (YEE NAA WOT?)

Updated '1:00 pm bells Saturday 11th January 2014

Az we speak the forst Tyne/weardo derby of the new year haz just taken place!
The Toon's U18s played their mackem coonterparts in Cleadon and wor rovin' reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' waz there to bring yoo! wor loyal reeders live updates az they happened!

Kick off 11:00am bells:
11:45 half time: So far ne score! but The Toon have had 3 good chances to tek the lead!

GOAL-FLASH! 55th minute: Herdman scores for the Toon from a Roberts cross---ONE- NIL UP!

FULL TIME: The Toon win the 1st derby of the year, but it waz a poor 2nd half played in an icy wind!

In the under 16s game on the next pitch The Toon won TWO-ONE!--to make it a double celebration on weardoside!

Attendance: 200 (half of them watchin' the U16s game!)
NUFC mad-sad groundhopper fans present, included: 'The Caped Crusader', 'Biffa the Beer', 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', 'Glennn from Ashington' and of course wor very own 'Geordie Times' chief futbaall correspondent, 'Liam from the Lamp'! 

SMB U18s v THE TOON U18s *** VENUE CHANGE TOMORROW!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Friday 10th January 2014

The forst Tyne/wear derby of the year takes place tomorrow mornin' when wor U18s travel to mackemland.
The game haz been switched from the  Eppleton Colliery Welfare groond to The Academy of Shh! (Yee Naa Wot!) @ Cleadon (SR6 7UN) and the game kicks off @ '11:00 am bells'!
Admission iz FREE!
So if yoo were plannin' to gan to Eppleton tomorrow to watch the youngins, then DIVVINT! (Unless yi want to watch the grass grow---like!?)

"A TALE OF TWO OWNERS!"

Posted '1:45pm bells' Thorsday 9th January 2014

We now must torn wor attention to Sunday dinnaatime when we take on 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland in a live 'SKY' 2:05 bells' kick off @ St James' Park!

Wor season of course came completely 'off the rails' and affectively finished on Jan 4th, when we were knocked oot of the FA Cup by Cardiff last Saturday, to end ANY interest in the last FIVE MONTHS of the season and ANY silverware (once again!)

The anly thing that matters to 'The Fat Controller' iz just how high we can finish up 'The Premyaa' 'gravy train' for 'the millions' on offer!
Wor own take iz!---we WON'T finish any higher than the 8th position that we are in at the moment and the lowest we will finish iz 10th!
Despite 'promises'??? to the contrary in the summer, we hear that there iz the distinct possibility that NE new signins will be forthcomin' in the January transfor window <("NO said JOE!---aa DON'T think so!"), az we 'plod on' 'trophyless' in mid table mediocrity! (see the back page of 'The Ronny-Gill' above!)

The mega rich 'Arab owned' 'Blue Moonies' in COMPLETE CONTRAST, are 'on the Inter |City 125 line' and are gannin for FOWER trophies az we speak!

They come here after the SIX-NIL demolition of 'Fat Sams' West Ham in the Leegue Cup semis and a certain Wembley place in the final!
On top of that they are gannin for 'The Leegue', the FA Cup and The Champions Leegue for an unpesidented quadruple! (ANYTHIN'! would de us!)

'The Blue Moonies' are aalso gannin for an 'unprecedented'  'TENTH' 'win in a row' against us and we dare-nit think wot the scoreline could be after last weeks shambles, plus wor 'New Years Day' 'no show' against West Brom, but ne doubt 50,000 will be there to see it!

"HUBBLE, BUBBLE, 'DIBBLE', TROUBLE!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 8th January 2014

"BAD NEWS I'M AFRAID ABOOT YOUR OVERTIME 'DIBBLE'!!!
THE TOON AND THE MACKEMS WANT TO KICK THE DERBY GAMES 
 OFF AT '3 BELLS' ON A SATURDAY FROM NOW ON!!!"

Both NUFC and the mackem hierarchy have joined forces to ridicule the claim by 'The Northumbria Dibble Force' that they DIVVINT in ANY WAY influence the kick off times in derby matches between the two clubs!

In an unprecedented joint statement both clubs have made the followin' accusations against 'The Dibble'

"NUFC and SAFC are surprised and disappointed with the statement issued yesterday by Northumbria Police in which the force CLAIMS that the police cannot direct changes for kick off times for the clubs fixtures, referring in particular to derby games!

Over a number of years both clubs have made repeated representations to Northumbria Police to try and reach agreement over kick off times to enable a traditional 3pm kick off or later to enable broadcasters to give the game consideration in the majority of their times slots for live coverage!

Police forces up and down the country have been able to police high profile derby matches for years, including most recently the first ever Welsh derby in the Premier League, Cardiff v Swansea @ 4pm, Arsenal v Tottenham @ 5:15pm and Man City v Man Utd @ 4pm!

In recent years Northumbria Police have rejected EVERY request for later kick off slots including 5:30pm Saturday, 4pm Sunday and 8pm Monday!

Both clubs have evidence in the form of considerable written correspondence which contradicts their statement yesterday!
The force also said that they WOULD NOT police games that kicked off later than 1:30pm!

For Northumbria Police therefore to issue a statement stating that they DO NOT direct changes to kick off times is quite frankly FALSE and ABSURD!

In light of this both NUFC and SAFC will now inform the Premier League that they will be available for kick off times that suit the clubs!" <("SO THERE"!) 

"HUBBLE, BUBBLE, DOUBLE, TROUBLE!" *** UPDATE FROM THE FUTBAALL SUPPORTERS FEDERATION (bottom of artice)

Updated '1:23pm bells' Tuesday 7th January 2014

"DEFINATLY NOT! 'THE 'MAGICAL' MYSTERY TOUR!"

News reaches us that the SMBs are to be FORCED to use the yellow double decker busses, if they wish to see the derby encoontaa on Saturday 1st February (now a '12:45 bells' kick off <(suprize!, suprize!)

The so caalled 'BUBBLE' 'EFFECT' that 'the Dibble' have insisted on, meenz that any mackem who lives ,say in Northumberland (and there are quite a few!) will have to cross the Tyne to The Stadium of Shh! (Yee Naa Wot!) to get their match tickets on the busses az they are driven snail pace back across the Tyne to St James' Park!

They then MUST get back onto the busses after the game and cross the Tyne once again where they will be dropped of back at the SOS! <(before havin' to travel back ower the Tyne for a FOURTH time!)
This may soond funny to us!---but think aboot it!???---if they de it to THEM, THEN!---guess wot???---we will ne doubt be forced to de the SAME THING when we next gan doon to wearyside!

It's OK for the likes of me who anly lives a 10 mins bus ride from St James', but wot aboot 'The NUFC London Branch', the Coonty Durham based Toon fans or people like 'Dave from York' who will be forced to de the above in revorse!

A DOUBLE TROUBLE whammy if yoo ask us!
Yet anothaa reason to hope and pray that the SMBs gan doon this season, so we divvint have to gan through aall this F*****' S**T!

There's a joint statement on 'The Football Supporters Federation' website which haz just been released by both sets of fans who strongly oppose 'the bubble match'!
gan to: www.fsf.org.uk/bubble 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS ***** "NEW GROOND! ***** NEW GROOND! ***** NEW GROOND!"

Posted '2:21pm bells' Monday 6th January 2014

After the doom and gloom of wor shambolic FA Cup exit at the weekend (once again!), we can bring yoo some happy news instead!

We understand that wor U21s resorve game @ Sporz will now be played @ BISHOPS STORTFORD FC and not Sporz trainin' groond az waz expected! <(we were there last season when we lost 5-0!)
Bishops play @ The ProKit UK Stadium (formerly Woodside Park!) and the groond iz within eezy reach of the M11 Motorway (aboot a mile!) The roond trip iz approx 510 miles!)

The game iz due to take place next Monday neet and plans are aalready 'underway' to take 'The Geordie Times Mini Bus' doon and SIX 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have declared their interest so far <(little ol' me included---az a'm drivin' it!)

We will be leavin' @ aroond aboot 'high noon bells' from 'The Newcastle Arms' drinkin' den, which sits in the shadows of St James' next to Chinatoon and expect to arrive doon there around aboot '5 bells' (plenty of time for 'a gargel' az the game doesn't start til '7'!) <(ER! 'the driver' will be drinkin' coke and shandy!) 

More to follow on aall this az the week progresses!

THE TOON 1 THE RED HERRINGS of CARDIFF 2 *** FA CUP 3rd ROOND *** 2013-14

Updated '11:48am bells' Sunday 5th January 2014

"NO 'HYDE-ING' PLACE FOR THE TOON!"


THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from the cramped seats in row 'T'!)


'The Geordie Times' said yesterday in wor final comment, that dependin' on wot team we put oot and how we performed, would we be interested in today's FA Cup 4th roond draw on ITV @ '2 bells'?
"WE NOW NAA THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION!?---DON'T WE JUST!"

Wor 'gangway' seats which we bought in The Leazes End so we had more 'legroom' (az wor own seats were unavailable) torned oot to be reet in the middle of row 'T' with ne 'legroom' <(the lass in the ticket office assured me that they were 'gangway seats when I bought them!---a'v got lang legs!), but this waz just the start of wor problems az The Toon came oot with 'ne guns blazin'!

'The Red Herrings' wernt any better az their pathetically low 300 fans huddled in the North East Corner of The East Stand!
The crowd in total looked to be in the high 20,000s with the top sections completely empty! (where we normally sit with plenty of 'legroom'!) That's ower 20,000 empty seats in the 'greatest' cup competition in the world!

SPOT THE CARDIFF FANS!
(RED DRAGONS, BLUE DRAGONS AND SCOTLAND FLAGS!?)

The half time interval couldn't come quick enough az we slogged it oot attackin' The Leazes End and thoughts of a mid-week replay 10 days later in sooth Wales filled me with dread!
The anly 'highlight' from us in this half iz when Ben Arfa hit the bar from a canny way oot at the half-way point!

The 2nd half wore on az we attacked the 'far' Gallowgate End and again Ben Arfa ratted the wookwork but hiz effort bounced back oot into play!
Then at last we made a breakthrough on the hour mark, when 'The Sissoko Kid' raced doon the pitch and fired in a ferocious shot which waz blocked by a 'Red Herrings' defender, but the baall fell nicely to Cisse and he tapped the baall in from 6 yards oot to give us the lead!
The Toon fans celebrated in 'The Strawberry Corner' by settin' off flares and smokebombs which filled the air with a grey cloud!


MORE ACTION AZ WE ATTACK 'THE LEAZES'!


However!---the 'grey clouds' ower St James' soon got 'darker' when, first, Gouffran waz replaced by Obertan (to boos from the crowd!)before the visitors equalised through a great shot from Noone in the 73rd minute which beat Elliot in The Toon goal.
The 'replay synario' then entered mee heed at this point and aa wondered just wot excuse aa would have to make to get the 2 days off 'graft' to gan to Cardiff!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END IN THE 2nd HALF

Aa shouldn't have worried though, az just 7 minutes later ex mackem striker Fraizer Campbell <(it had to be!) heeded home to win the tie for the visitors and send their 300 fans, dressed in blue AND red, wild with delight!
We were dead on wor feet at this point az the clock ticked doon and Pardew's final 'gamble' waz to bring on 'big guns' Remy and Shola with just 5 minutes remainin'! (too little toooo late!) and after 5 minutes of stoppage time the ref ended wor FA Cup misery for one more year!

 Yet anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance (wor 10th of the season by wor estimates!) ensued that we will gan yet anothaa season with ne major silverware in the bare 'trophyless' cabinet, that sits, hidden in a darkened room somewhere beneath the Milburn Stand!

SPOT THE EMPTY SEATS IN 'LEVEL 7' OF THE MILBURN STAND!

Under 'I Beg Your Pardew's' 'leadership? we have now lost FOWER FA Cup ties to 'lesser' opposition!--namely---Stevenage---Brighton---Brighton (again!) and now Cardiff!
This meens that the remainin' 5 months of the season will be spent tryin' to remain where we are in 8th 'pot of gold' position in the table!---after aall 'The Fat Controller's' 'needs' <(money!) are much greater than wors!

Footnote:
After the match 'I Beg Your Pardew' complained aboot the 'strange atmosphere' at the match, mentionin'  the fact that there were thoosands of empty seats!
But wot did he expect?---he made SEVEN changes in aall (three off them enforced through injury or suspension) and the fans just knew a 'Toon X1' would take the field and not hiz strongest team!---And just why top goalscorer Loic Remy wasn't on from the start iz a mystery, considerin' that wor next game iznt til a week today against 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland'

Toon team: Elliot, Santon, Haidara, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Tiote,  Sissoko (Remy 85), Anita (Shola Ameobi 85), Ben Arfa, Gouffran (Obertan 63) 

Attendance: 31,166 (more than we thought, but still 21,000 plus below capacity!) (still the 3rd highest crowd though, behind 'The Arse' and Everton) 300 'Red Herrings' (a pathetic tornoot from the Welsh!)

"I WIN THE DAY AGAIN, DR JYKELL!" ***HA! HA!" 



THE TOON v THE CARDIFF RED HERRINGS *** FA CUP 3rd ROOND *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated: '11:11am bells' Saturday 4th January 2014

Next up on the list iz a home tie against 'The Red Herrings' of Cardiff in the FA Cup @ '3 bells' today!
Accordin' to 'The Geordie Times dictionary', 'Red Herring' meenz: 'It leads or distracts from the truth'  <(The truth bein' that Cardiff shud play in blue and not red az their obnoxious owner Mr Tan seems to think they shud!) <(Yet anothaa case of: "Fcuk you!"---"It's MY trainset and I'll do what I want!")

They have a new man in charge aftaa the unceremonious departure of 'Malky' with Ole Gunnaa Solshar <(We divvint naa how to spell 'Solskjaer'!) takin' ower the reigns in sooth Wales and the big question iz???---which Toon team will torn up in this Jykell and Hyde season!

Debuchy iz of course suspended aftaa hiz daft sendin' off on Wednesday @ WBA and 'Fab' Coloccini iz oot for at least six weeks after hobblin' off in the same game!
There iz aalso a 'doubt' aboot Yohan Cabaye and goalie Tim Krul's participation az they are said to have picked up a 'mysterious' injuries?

We fully expect that 'The Sammyobi bruvvers' and Steve Taylor <(remember him?) will take part with several resorve team players like 'Marveaux the Magician', 'Dummy' Dummett and 'The Angel Gabriel' (Obertan!) aalso in the line-up!? <(who says we divvint take the FA Cup seriously???)

'The Red Herrings' fans certainly take the FA CUP seriously az they will have a huge followin' of! ("wait for it!")> 300!---and they will be housed in 'The North East Corner' of the groond and NOT on Level 7 az waz expected!

The last thing we need iz a draw against them however!---which would meeen a midweek 630 mile roond trip doon to Wales for the replay, so we can anly hope that 'Dr Jykell' will torn up and NOT 'Mr Hyde' az happened @ West Brom on New Years Day!

"WHICH TOON TEAM SHALL WE PLAY
AGAINST CARDIFF TODAY, DOCTOR?"

The 4th roond draw iz on ITV @ approx. '2 bells' on Sunday afternoon!----but dependin' on how we play and wot team we put oot today---will we be in it???

A full match report will of course be in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow!---and az we've said many times before!---watch this space!

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 1 THE TOON 0*** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 2nd January 2014

THE TOON (in Brazil yellow) MAKE A DESPERATE LAST ATTACK TO GET
THE EQUALISER DEEP INTO INJURY TIME (to no avail!)

"UNHAPPY NEW YEAR!"

We jumped onto the 'Cross Country' 'snail train' @ 'The Central' @ 7.30 am bells and arrived @ New Street, Bormingham some 4 torturous hours later, where it waz 'chuckin it doon'!

'THE WELLY'   "OPEN AALL HOURS!"

A couple of pints in 'The Wellington' reel ale bar up the hill from the station waz followed by a search for anothaa boozer that waz open, az we wandered aboot like lost sheep in the poarin rain tryin' to find one!


"NAMED AND SHAMED!"  'THE OLD CONTEMPTIBLES' WAZ CLOSED!
('CONTEMPTIBLE' IF YOO ASK US!)

Eventually after 20 minutes we foond one caalled 'The Old Royal' and we stopped there til it waz time to heed for the train to 'The Hawthorns' from Snow Hill Station <(shud have been caalled 'Rain' Hill!) 


"SANCTUARY!"  'THE OLD ROYAL' WAS OPEN!

It waz then onwards to the match and on enterin' wor end, Toon fans were havin' a 'beer fight' on the concourse underneath the stand so we made straight for wor seats az one soakin' waz enough with the rain!

NUFC's 'Mr Hyde' torned oot I'm afraid and the we didn't have one solitary shot on target in the entire half (neetha did 'The Baggie Troosers'!) and we could anly hope for better in the 2nd period az sheets of rain enveloped the groond!

Ne such luck!--I'm afraid!--- az the two teams looked likely to play oot a goal-less draw az the 2nd half wore on!

And then the tornin' point of the game came in the 62nd minute when Debuchy needlessly got sent off with a two footed tackle on Yocab and it waz obvious wot coloured card the ref waz gannin to get oot of hiz 'sky rocket'!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE BORMINGHAM ROAD END
(View from row LL seat 3)

WBA then attacked wor goal for the elusive goal and had several chances to take the lead against the 'Tyneside Ten'!.
But then---just az we thought we would get away with a draw, sub Ben Arfa lost possession and Tim Krul brought doon Vyria in the box to give 'The Baggie Troosers' a penalty with just three minutes left on the clock!
Berhino took it and just beat Tim Krul to win the game for the home side---their forst win in TEN games!
A desperately dissappointin' result after wor recent good wins on the road!

'Mr Hyde' must have been on wor train back yem az well, az it waz announced ower the train tannoy near Lichfield that there wasn't a driver to take us from Derby Station and we would be delayed 40 minutes at least, unil they foond one! (the driver who took us from Bormingham finished hiz shift at Derby!)
Finally, one torned up <(Horray!) and we eventually got back to Tyneside late into the neet!
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!?" < (yi'v got to be kiddin'!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini (Yanga 65), Williamson, Santon, Cabaye, Tiote, Sissoko, Remy, Shola Ameobi (Haidara 76), Gouffran (Ben Arfa 46)

Attendance: 26,430 (2,600 'hung over' Toon fans!)