THE TOON v THE ARSE ****TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Updated '1:17pm bells' Saturday 28th December 2013

THE LAST GAME OF LAST SEASON * WE LOST 1-0 TO 'THE ARSE' @ ST JAMES'

Tomorrow @ '1:30 bells' we face 'The Arse' @ St James' Park in wor thord festive fixture, which iz 'live on SKY'!  
In the previous two we have scored EIGHT goals and conceded ONE!--
 Az mentioned yesterday we have now won a total of 1,800 Leegue games in wor history---the very forst bein' 120 years ago against wor opponents tomorrow, when we won 6-0 against the 'then' 'Woolwich' Arsenal on Saturday, September 30th, 1893 @ St James' Park with both Wallace and Thompson gettin' a 'hat-trick' each! <(remember them?)

2,000 fans were present that day to witness this 'slaughter', whereaz 52,000 will be present tomorrow dinnaatime!
Az coincidence would have it, we were 'slaughtered' 7-3 @ 'The Emirates' a year tomorrow, which waz wor worst defeat of last season!
Amazingleee!--IF? we can manage to beat 'The Arse', who are top of the table, then we will anly be THREE points behind them! ***"We shall see!"
(We havvent beaten them at home for EIGHT years, when we won 1-0 in December 2005, with Nobby Solano gettin' the anly goal of the game for us!)


A 'Geordie Times' full match report will of course be forthcomin' sometime tomorrow evenin', or on Monday! <(dependin' how much 'liquid lubrication' we've had to drink!?)

THE TOON 5 THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Updated '1:51pm bells' Friday 27th December 2013

"GEORDIE BOYS TAKIN' THE P*SS!"(POTTS!)

CISSE STEPS UP TO PUT US 5-1 UP!

SIX goals, THREE sendings off, TWO penalties, TWO penalty appeals and ONE blatent 'hand baall' torned doon, were the main taalkin' points of this crazy Boxin' Day game played in freeezin' conditions @ St James' Park!

The chaotic sequence of events were az follows:

1st HALF:
29th minute: It started off badly for The Toon az 'The P*ss Potters' spurned two great chances orly on az we just couldn't get 'off the blocks'!
The warnings wornt heeded and the visitors deservedly took the lead through a great strike from Assaidi @ 'The Gallowgate End' from 18 yards oot!

30th minute: The P*ss Potters fans sing: "Shall we sing a song for you!?" <(aall 600 of them!--- who were given FREE travel and REDUCED ticket prices! <(A pathetic torn oot for Boxin' Day!) 

34th minute: Stoke's Whelan iz booked for a rash challenge on 'The Sissoko Kid'!

40th minute: Whelan iz booked again and sent off for daft tackle on Cabaye!

42nd minute: Mark Hughes the 'P*ss Potts' manager iz aalso sent off for complainin' aboot Whelan's dismissal and hoys hiz coat away!

44th minute: Anothaa sendin' off!---This time it's Stoke's Wilson who pulled doon Remy in the box!

44th minute: Remy takes the penalty himself but it iz saved by ex mackem goalie Sorensen!

44th minute: Stoke break upfield and have a handbaall appeal torned doon when Williamson handles reet in front of the ref! <(it must be Christmas!)

45th minute: From the haandbaall incident we break upfield and Remy makes amends for hiz miss a minute orlier when hiz shot iz deflected twice, before endin' up in the net! (below)

45th minute: Stoke's Nzonzi iz booked for arguin' aboot the 'Williamson' hand baall incident! 

That's! (deep breath!) SEVEN incidents in just FIVE minutes!

2nd HALF:
48th minute: The nine men carnt cope with wor attacks and 'Gooffy' Gouffran puts us aheed with a fine left footed effort, just inside the box!

'GOOFFY' (with hiz arm outstretched) SCORES WOR 2nd GOAL! 

55th minute: Loic Remy heeds home from a Debuchy cross to make it 3-1 to us!

REMY GOAL

66th minute: Neat 'one touch futbaall' from 'The Toon' pays off and Yohan Cabaye nets with a great side footed shot! (game ower!)

CABAYE SCREAMER!

79th minute: We are awarded wor 2nd penalty of the game when Pieters fouls 'Uncle' Ben Arfa just inside the area!

80th minute: Super sub Cisse grabs the baall and fires it past a dejected Sorensen to cries of: '"Your just a sad mackem Bustard!" from the Toon faithful!

CISSE PEN 5-1 ! (Aall photos taken by t'The Geordie Times' paparazzi fotografaa!) 

82nd minute: A tussle between Cabaye and Shawcross shud have resulted in anothaa penalty for us, but the ref takes pity on wor visitors and waves 'play on'!

89th minute: Yet anothaa penalty appeal iz torned doon by the ref az Shawcross lunges at Haidera, but the ref again torns doon wor appeal!

93rd minute: "It's aall ower!"-- and the three points are well and truly in Santa's bag for a belated Christmas present for us!

On top of aall this 'Uncle' Ben Arfa aalso hit the post twice in the 2nd half!

'Geordie Times' Statfacts:
This waz wor 200th home win in the Premyaa Leegue era! <(and 'The Geordie Times' haz seen them aall!)
This waz aalso wor 1,800th Leegue win in wor history!
Wor 1st ever win waz when we beat Woolwich Arsenal 6-0  at St James' Park ower 120 years ago in September 1893 <(and NO!---due to circumstances beyond our control we wernt at THAT game!) 

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon (Haidara 61), Sissoko, Cabaye, Anita (Shola Ameobi 46), Ben Arfa, Remy, Gouffran (Cisse 72)

Attendance: 51,665 (Highest Boxin' Day crowd in Britain!)
(just 600 'P*ss Potters') < (A p*ss poor tornoot!)
The 5-1 win waz aalso the biggest in the entire 4 divisions of  the Leegue!

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE *** BOXIN' DAY!

 

Posted '3:50pm bells' ****Christmas Day****Wednesday 25th December 2013 ***Updated Boxin' Day @ '10:41am bells'



YOHAN CABAYE (inside the 'D') SCORES AGAINST
'THE P*SS POTTS' LAST SEASON IN WOR 2-1 VICTORY!

Tomorrow afternoon we face a rare home Boxin' Day game (anly wor 2nd in 11 years!) when we face 'The Red n White striped P*ss Potters of Stoke' in a '3 bells' kick off @ St James' Park.
We understand that tickets are still available for this game and theeze can still be porchaced from the NUFC ticket office!



"We aall p*ss in a red & white pot!"
(1st sang in 'The Leazes End' in the 1960's against a
certain team who play 11 miles away!)
(to the tune of 'Yellow Submarine by 'The Beatles!)

Last season we beat them 2-1 and a similar result will not be 'sniffed at' by us, az we climb up the the Christmas Tree and we are currently on the sixth branch!
If we DE win than this will be wor 200th home win in the Premyaa Leegue era! <(and 'The Geordie Times' haz seen them aall!)

Cheik Tiote iz suspended for this game, but the rest of the team who won 3-0 at 'The Palace' last week are aall available for selection! 

THE NEW EUROPA CUP
PERHAPS!?

On aboot the difference between this and last season, when we were strugglin', wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' commented: "The Europa League had a massive impact for us last season, like it's having on Swansea now!
If Swansea didn't have The Europa League then they would be much higher up the table now!"

In othaa words!---WE DIVVINT (under any circumstances!) want to finish FIFTH again at the end of this season, az it's a Europa Leegue 'poison chalice'!--- and az a top fower 'Champions Leegue' finish looks beyond us!--- we'd better stay where we are then, in sixth place!

A full Boxin' Day match report will be forthcomin' on Friday!

"ROCKIN' AROOND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!"

Posted '5:38pm bells' Christmas Eve Tuesday 24th December 2013

Followin' the goal-less draw between 'The Arse' and 'The Chelski OAPs' last neet, 'The Toon' gan into Christmas Day perched on the SIXTH branch of the Christmas tree and just SIX points off top spot!---while 'The SMBs' find themsels at the bottom of the tree amongst the cast off pine needles!---lang may it continue!

   "WE WISH YOO A MERRY CHRISTMAS!" 
             "AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

MAN YOO! *** THE LAST TABOO! (A LIST OF WHEN WE LAST BEAT THE CURRENT PREMYAA LEEGUE CLUBS)

Updated '9:20am bells Monday 23rd December 2013

'THE THEATRE OF MUPPETS' *** 07/12/2013 *** THE LAST TABOO!
(THE TOON ARE IN 'BRAZIL' YELLOW'!)

Wor historic win @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' after 41 years of failure, means that we have now beaten EVERY SINGLE current Premyaa Leegue side at least once both home and away since 1990!

Teams listed below are in 'Geordiebetical' order!

The dates of the last home and away wins and scores. 
Aall are for Premyaa Leegue games (unless stated in brackets)
Key: LC=Leegue Cup    FA=FA Cup     CH=Championship

Dates of teams that we have beaten this season so far are in 'Brazil' yellow'  

   HOME                                              AWAY
The Arse: 10/12/05 won 1-0             07/11/10 won 1-0

The Liverbirds: 01/04/12 won 2-0    28/11/1995 won 1-0 (LC)

Chelski: 02/11/13 won 2-0               02/05/12 won 2-0

Blue Moonies: 24/09/05 won 1-0     30/09/2000 won 1-0

Toffee Noses: 05/11/11 won 2-1      18/09/10 won 1-0

Sporz: 18/08/12 won 2-1                  10/11/13 won 1-0

Sooothampton: 24/02/13 won 2-0    19/09/04 won 2-1

Manc Muppets: 04/01/12 won 3-0    07/12/13 WON 1-0 !

Swanzee: 28/11/09 won 3-0 (CH)    06/04/12 won 2-0

Hazbeens & Villians: 05/02/12 won 2-1     14/09/13 won 2-1

Hull Tiger Lillys:15/10/1997 won 2-0 (LC)   06/01/1990 won1-0 (FA)

Stoke P*ss Pots:10/03/13 won 2-1      31/10/11 won 3-1

Canary Custards: 23/11/13 won 2-1  04/01/1994 won 2-1

Baggie Troosers: 30/11/13 won 2-1  25/03/12 won 3-1

Cardiff Red Herrings: 05/02/10 won 2-1 (CH)  05/10/13 won 2-1

The Jellied Eels Mob: 05/01/11 won 5-0      23/10/10 won 2-1

The Jackson Jivers of Fulham: 31/08/13 won 1-0   15/12/07 won 1-0

The Crystal Balls: 27/01/10 won 1-0 (CH)     21/12/13 won 3-0

SMBs: 31/10/10   WON 5-1 !              20/08/11  WON 1-0 !

'Geordie Times' Factfile: The anly team we haven't beaten at aall in the 21st century are 'Broken Nose Bruce's Hull Tiger Lillys'!
'The Liverbirds' are the anly othaa team we haven't beaten away this century! (1995)

AND!---(nearly 24 hours later!)
"Er!"----DID yoo spot 'The Geordie Times' dillibritt misstayk???
We aalso havvent beaten 'The Canary Custards' away since 1994!
If yoo spotted this, then award yourself '3 Brownie pints'! 

        
                                

THE CRYSTAL BAALLS 0 THE TOON 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '11:40am bells' Sunday 22nd December 2013


BEN ARFA PENALTY *** 3-0 !

Forst of aall 'grovelling apologeeez' for the failure to bring yoo the match report from wor resorve game on Friday against 'The Canary Custards of Norwich, which we won 4-1!
This was because after the match aa made the fatal misteak of gannin' with 'The Caped Crusader' for a few festive gargels in Benton, which resulted in me gettin' completleee 'snozzled' and gannin yem late and gannin to 'bedy byes' orly <(if yi see wot aa meen?) az aa had to get up and catch the 7:22 to King's Cross the next day for the Palace game!
(A match report on that game will be forthcomin' sometime this week!)

The game at Selhurst Park waz played in torrential rain and drivin winds az The Toon torned oot in their 'lucky' Brazil away strip once again! (The one we wore and won at Man U a fortneet ago!)

And it didn't tek lang to break the deadlock when Yohan Cabaye shot home in the 25th minute with his effort takin' a deflection off a Palace player to wrang foot their goalie! (it would have went in anyway!)

The Crystal Baalls then completeleee 'baalls'd it up' when a cross from Debuchy foond Palace's Gabbidon who spectacularly kicked the baall into hiz own net meanin' that he waz anly the 2nd non French player to score for us in the Premyaa Leegue this season! (the othaa bein' wor own Paul Dummett who iz English!) (Gabbidon iz Welsh!)

VIEW FROM ROW 17

Reeely, it waz 'curtains' after this az the home side were p*ss poor throughout and yoo could tell by the atmosphere in the home sections that they are resigned to their fate of bein' relegated at the end of the season <(hopefully with the SMBs!)

The wind swirled aroond in the 2nd half az the rain teemed doon and this iz when the home side had their best period in the farcical conditions! <(there waz a slight worry that the match could be abandoned!)

The win waz sealed near the end when 'super sub' Shola waz tripped in the box and 'super sub 2' Ben Arfa stepped up to put the baall beyond Speroni in the Palace goal to send the 2,600 travellin' faithful into a festive frenzy az thet sang the 'Jingle Bells' song!
Just after this 'Goofy' Gouffran waz unlucky az he hit the angle of the post and bar and we had to settle for a 3-0 win!
This meenz that we have won six games oot of the last eight and amazingly we could be just SIX points off top spot come Christmas Day!
After the match we heeded for 'Victoria' for some celebratory drinks in several hostelries includin' 'The Elusive Camel'! <(where DO they get the names from?)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita, Cabaye (Ben Arfa 79), Tiote, Sissoko, Remy (Shola Ameobi 75) ,Gouffran

Attendance: 24,936 (not a full hoose, but they wouldn't give us any more tickets!) (2,600 Toon fans) 

THE TOON U21 RESORVES 4 THE CANARY CUSTARD U21 RESORVES 1 *** PLAYED @ 'HIGH NOON BELLS' LAST FRIDAY!

Posted '8:05pm bells' Sunday 22nd December 2013 (2 days late!)

JUST SECONDS AFTER AA TOOK THIS ACTION SHOT, THE BAALL
'JUST' CROSSED THE LINE FOR AN EQUALISER FOR THE TOON,
MUCH TO THE DISMAY OF THE NORWICH GOALIE WHO THOUGHT
THE BAALL HADN'T CROSSED THE LINE!
 MY VIEW THAT IT HAD INDEED CROSSED THE LINE, COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN BETTER! (SEE MATCH REPORT BELOW!)

This 'high noon bells' Friday dinnaatime kick off @ 'Blue Flames' attracted the lowest crowd that av ever seen at a Toon resorve fixture and a coonted that 130 were present az the game started!

Played in windy and chilly conditions 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' drew the forst 'blood' when they took the lead in the 26th minute, after a misstayk by Toon defender Curtis Good and Morris took advantage for the visitors by slottin' the baall home.

The Toon hit back on the half hour mark, when, (and az aa waz waalkin' behind the Norwich goal), the baall came across and Rolando Aarons played it to Adam Campbell who fired towards the goal, the baall hit a Norwich defender and just crossed the line for the equaliser!

SPOT THE 'CROWD'

Their keeper Ben Killip protested and claimed it had NOT crossed the line, but it clearly had, az aa waz standin' reet behind the goal!

Az he waalked back towards the goal after hiz 'protest', aa shouted to him, (that, although aa waz biased), the baall had indeed crossed the line! ('The Fink' magic eye wins the day!) <(he waz NOT a happy bunny!)

Anyway!--it didn't matter az forthaa goals from Bigiramana from the penalty spot in the 35th minute, 'Spiderman' in the 64th minute, (who scored after a neat 'one-two' with Campbell) and finally (in the last throws of the game) a corner kick, which foond 'The Mighty' Jonathyn Quinn who then prodded the baall home to complete the scorin' for The Toon!

The official 'crowd' waz announced ower the tannoy and waz given az just 125 (5 lower than aa coonted at the start!) <(aa waz never any good at maths at skoool!---like!)

After the match we heeded for the three boozers on the way back to 4 Lane Ends Metro station where we got completeleee 'snozzled' <(hence the very late reportin' of this game!)

THE TOON U21 RESORVES v THE CANARY CUSTARD U21s *** HIGH NOON BELLS' TOMORROW!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Thorsday 19th December 2013

'BLUE FLAMES' (AKA WHITLEY PARK)

Tomorrow dinnaatime on 'Black Eye Friday' <(scroll doon page for explanation!) we take on Delia Smith's mob @ 'Blue Flames', Benton in a resorve leegue fixture!

'The Canary Custards' are flyin' up with a full squad, az on Saturday their forst team take on the SMBs @ The Stadium of Sshhh! (Yee Naa Wot!) in the Premyaa Leegue! (Bet yih anything yi like that they are NOT stayin' owerneet in mackemland!)

Anyway!---a'm dein' yet anothaa neetshift truck-run to Halesowen (near Bormingham) toneet (for the 105th time since Joon!) and hope to be finished orly so that aa can grab a few hours kip before heedin' for Benton! <(we shall see!?)

Admission iz free to season ticket holders and members of course, but 'aall othaz must pay £3 and £1 to gain entry!

A match report shud be forthcomin' sometime on Friday neet?---and then orly on Saturday mornin' of course, we heed for King's Cross in 'Landan' by choo choo train, where we play 'The Crystal Baalls of Croydon' in a '3 bells' start in 'The Premyaa'!

More to follow on aall this later tomorrow (sometime!)

THE BARNSLEY TYKES U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 2 ***FA YOUTH CUP

Posted '11:47am bells' Wednesday 18th December 2013

Match report and stats by 'The Geordie Times' chief Futbaall correspondent 'Liam from the Lamp'

The forst half waz even stevens and we went in goal-less at the break

The deadlock waz broken when Adam Armstrong shot home from a Greg Olley corner in the 49th minute of the game.
We doubled wor lead 10 minutes later when Armstrong again scored with a 20 yard pile driver!

The Tykes pulled one back at the death when Alton scored, but it waz aall tooo late and we held on for a 2-1 win.
We meet the SMB U18s in the next roond @ St James' Park sometime in January or February!

Attendance: 400 to 500 (number of Toon fans not known yet!--but mad-sad groundhoppers 'The Caped Crusader', 'Michael the Mag' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' were there!)

Sorry there are ne match pix, but Liam's camera iz knackered and he haz been severely reprimanded by 'The Geordie Times' for this!
He can't even remember the name of the boozer he waz in pre-match! <(an absolute disgrace!!!) 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS (FOR BEGINNERS!)

Updated '12:33pm bells' Tuesday 17th December 2013

Tooneet wor U18s are in action @ Oakwell in Barnsley when we take on their U18s in an FA Youth Cup thord roond tie @ '7 Bells'
We naa that there are quite a few of 'The mad-sad groundhoppers' who will never have been here before and this iz a glorious opportunity for them to get this groond 'under their belt'!
It's just A QUID to get in for everybody and aall procceds will gan to Barnsley Hospice! <(which iz very good of them!)

Then later this week on *'Black Eye' Friday' @ 'High Noon Bells', we face 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' in a re-arranged home U21 Resorve Leegue game @ 'Blue Flames' in Benton! <(in the Eest end of Newcassel) 

 

 

*'Black Eye' Friday'---an explanation for wor owerseas reeders:
Traditionally on the last Friday before Christmas everybody gans mad with the drink and the bars are packed to the rafters and punters are p*ssed oot of their brains!
This invariably leads to spilt beer and josslin' and fights often break oot between the drunken revellers resultin' in black eyes, broken noses and bust lips! <(yoo have been warned!)