THE CRYSTAL BAALLS 0 THE TOON 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '11:40am bells' Sunday 22nd December 2013


BEN ARFA PENALTY *** 3-0 !

Forst of aall 'grovelling apologeeez' for the failure to bring yoo the match report from wor resorve game on Friday against 'The Canary Custards of Norwich, which we won 4-1!
This was because after the match aa made the fatal misteak of gannin' with 'The Caped Crusader' for a few festive gargels in Benton, which resulted in me gettin' completleee 'snozzled' and gannin yem late and gannin to 'bedy byes' orly <(if yi see wot aa meen?) az aa had to get up and catch the 7:22 to King's Cross the next day for the Palace game!
(A match report on that game will be forthcomin' sometime this week!)

The game at Selhurst Park waz played in torrential rain and drivin winds az The Toon torned oot in their 'lucky' Brazil away strip once again! (The one we wore and won at Man U a fortneet ago!)

And it didn't tek lang to break the deadlock when Yohan Cabaye shot home in the 25th minute with his effort takin' a deflection off a Palace player to wrang foot their goalie! (it would have went in anyway!)

The Crystal Baalls then completeleee 'baalls'd it up' when a cross from Debuchy foond Palace's Gabbidon who spectacularly kicked the baall into hiz own net meanin' that he waz anly the 2nd non French player to score for us in the Premyaa Leegue this season! (the othaa bein' wor own Paul Dummett who iz English!) (Gabbidon iz Welsh!)

VIEW FROM ROW 17

Reeely, it waz 'curtains' after this az the home side were p*ss poor throughout and yoo could tell by the atmosphere in the home sections that they are resigned to their fate of bein' relegated at the end of the season <(hopefully with the SMBs!)

The wind swirled aroond in the 2nd half az the rain teemed doon and this iz when the home side had their best period in the farcical conditions! <(there waz a slight worry that the match could be abandoned!)

The win waz sealed near the end when 'super sub' Shola waz tripped in the box and 'super sub 2' Ben Arfa stepped up to put the baall beyond Speroni in the Palace goal to send the 2,600 travellin' faithful into a festive frenzy az thet sang the 'Jingle Bells' song!
Just after this 'Goofy' Gouffran waz unlucky az he hit the angle of the post and bar and we had to settle for a 3-0 win!
This meenz that we have won six games oot of the last eight and amazingly we could be just SIX points off top spot come Christmas Day!
After the match we heeded for 'Victoria' for some celebratory drinks in several hostelries includin' 'The Elusive Camel'! <(where DO they get the names from?)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita, Cabaye (Ben Arfa 79), Tiote, Sissoko, Remy (Shola Ameobi 75) ,Gouffran

Attendance: 24,936 (not a full hoose, but they wouldn't give us any more tickets!) (2,600 Toon fans) 

THE TOON U21 RESORVES 4 THE CANARY CUSTARD U21 RESORVES 1 *** PLAYED @ 'HIGH NOON BELLS' LAST FRIDAY!

Posted '8:05pm bells' Sunday 22nd December 2013 (2 days late!)

JUST SECONDS AFTER AA TOOK THIS ACTION SHOT, THE BAALL
'JUST' CROSSED THE LINE FOR AN EQUALISER FOR THE TOON,
MUCH TO THE DISMAY OF THE NORWICH GOALIE WHO THOUGHT
THE BAALL HADN'T CROSSED THE LINE!
 MY VIEW THAT IT HAD INDEED CROSSED THE LINE, COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN BETTER! (SEE MATCH REPORT BELOW!)

This 'high noon bells' Friday dinnaatime kick off @ 'Blue Flames' attracted the lowest crowd that av ever seen at a Toon resorve fixture and a coonted that 130 were present az the game started!

Played in windy and chilly conditions 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' drew the forst 'blood' when they took the lead in the 26th minute, after a misstayk by Toon defender Curtis Good and Morris took advantage for the visitors by slottin' the baall home.

The Toon hit back on the half hour mark, when, (and az aa waz waalkin' behind the Norwich goal), the baall came across and Rolando Aarons played it to Adam Campbell who fired towards the goal, the baall hit a Norwich defender and just crossed the line for the equaliser!

SPOT THE 'CROWD'

Their keeper Ben Killip protested and claimed it had NOT crossed the line, but it clearly had, az aa waz standin' reet behind the goal!

Az he waalked back towards the goal after hiz 'protest', aa shouted to him, (that, although aa waz biased), the baall had indeed crossed the line! ('The Fink' magic eye wins the day!) <(he waz NOT a happy bunny!)

Anyway!--it didn't matter az forthaa goals from Bigiramana from the penalty spot in the 35th minute, 'Spiderman' in the 64th minute, (who scored after a neat 'one-two' with Campbell) and finally (in the last throws of the game) a corner kick, which foond 'The Mighty' Jonathyn Quinn who then prodded the baall home to complete the scorin' for The Toon!

The official 'crowd' waz announced ower the tannoy and waz given az just 125 (5 lower than aa coonted at the start!) <(aa waz never any good at maths at skoool!---like!)

After the match we heeded for the three boozers on the way back to 4 Lane Ends Metro station where we got completeleee 'snozzled' <(hence the very late reportin' of this game!)

THE TOON U21 RESORVES v THE CANARY CUSTARD U21s *** HIGH NOON BELLS' TOMORROW!

Posted '1:10pm bells' Thorsday 19th December 2013

'BLUE FLAMES' (AKA WHITLEY PARK)

Tomorrow dinnaatime on 'Black Eye Friday' <(scroll doon page for explanation!) we take on Delia Smith's mob @ 'Blue Flames', Benton in a resorve leegue fixture!

'The Canary Custards' are flyin' up with a full squad, az on Saturday their forst team take on the SMBs @ The Stadium of Sshhh! (Yee Naa Wot!) in the Premyaa Leegue! (Bet yih anything yi like that they are NOT stayin' owerneet in mackemland!)

Anyway!---a'm dein' yet anothaa neetshift truck-run to Halesowen (near Bormingham) toneet (for the 105th time since Joon!) and hope to be finished orly so that aa can grab a few hours kip before heedin' for Benton! <(we shall see!?)

Admission iz free to season ticket holders and members of course, but 'aall othaz must pay £3 and £1 to gain entry!

A match report shud be forthcomin' sometime on Friday neet?---and then orly on Saturday mornin' of course, we heed for King's Cross in 'Landan' by choo choo train, where we play 'The Crystal Baalls of Croydon' in a '3 bells' start in 'The Premyaa'!

More to follow on aall this later tomorrow (sometime!)

THE BARNSLEY TYKES U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 2 ***FA YOUTH CUP

Posted '11:47am bells' Wednesday 18th December 2013

Match report and stats by 'The Geordie Times' chief Futbaall correspondent 'Liam from the Lamp'

The forst half waz even stevens and we went in goal-less at the break

The deadlock waz broken when Adam Armstrong shot home from a Greg Olley corner in the 49th minute of the game.
We doubled wor lead 10 minutes later when Armstrong again scored with a 20 yard pile driver!

The Tykes pulled one back at the death when Alton scored, but it waz aall tooo late and we held on for a 2-1 win.
We meet the SMB U18s in the next roond @ St James' Park sometime in January or February!

Attendance: 400 to 500 (number of Toon fans not known yet!--but mad-sad groundhoppers 'The Caped Crusader', 'Michael the Mag' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' were there!)

Sorry there are ne match pix, but Liam's camera iz knackered and he haz been severely reprimanded by 'The Geordie Times' for this!
He can't even remember the name of the boozer he waz in pre-match! <(an absolute disgrace!!!) 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS (FOR BEGINNERS!)

Updated '12:33pm bells' Tuesday 17th December 2013

Tooneet wor U18s are in action @ Oakwell in Barnsley when we take on their U18s in an FA Youth Cup thord roond tie @ '7 Bells'
We naa that there are quite a few of 'The mad-sad groundhoppers' who will never have been here before and this iz a glorious opportunity for them to get this groond 'under their belt'!
It's just A QUID to get in for everybody and aall procceds will gan to Barnsley Hospice! <(which iz very good of them!)

Then later this week on *'Black Eye' Friday' @ 'High Noon Bells', we face 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' in a re-arranged home U21 Resorve Leegue game @ 'Blue Flames' in Benton! <(in the Eest end of Newcassel) 

 

 

*'Black Eye' Friday'---an explanation for wor owerseas reeders:
Traditionally on the last Friday before Christmas everybody gans mad with the drink and the bars are packed to the rafters and punters are p*ssed oot of their brains!
This invariably leads to spilt beer and josslin' and fights often break oot between the drunken revellers resultin' in black eyes, broken noses and bust lips! <(yoo have been warned!) 

"IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT! *** IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT! *** IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT!"

Posted '10:10am bells' Monday 16th December 2013

The followin' NUFC games ower the festive period are now completleee selt oot!

Saturday 21st December *** The Crystal Balls v The Toon
(away allocation 2,600) <(been selt oot for weeks?)

Sunday 29th December *** The Toon v The Arse

New Years Day, Wednesday 1st January *** The Baggie Troosers v The Toon <(away allocation not known yet)

There are tickets still available for wor home game against The P*ss Potts of Stoke on Boxin' Day, but this iz aalso expected to be a complete selloot! <(so yi'd better hurry up if yih want to gan!)

THE TOON 1 SOOOTHAMPTON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 15th December 2013


'THE TOON' ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
IN THE 1st MINUTE OF THE GAME!

Predicably! we were unpredictable again against Sooothampton and could anly manage a draw @ St James' Park!

'Goofy Goffran' put us aheed @ 'The Gallowgate End' in the 27th minute when he neatly rounded their keeper to slot the baall home!
We had several chances after that to increase wor lead, but failure to do so would cost us dear in the 2nd half!

Quite simply we took 'the foot off the gas' for a 20 minute period in the 2nd half and the 'alarm bells shud have rung then', when Sooothampton forward Steve Davis hit the post but hiz effort rebounded oot and we got off with it!
However!---and just a couple of minutes later, luck waz on hiz side when anothaa effort by him, went in off the post this time, to give them an equaliser to loud protests from Toon fans and players alike who thought he waz offside!

Loic Remy who had missed a glorious chance in the 1st half shud have wrapped the game up when an error by Gazzaniga in the Sooothampton goal gave the baall to him in the box, but somehow he managed to kick the baall ower the bar, when it waz easier to score!

Then a comical incident in the 87th minute when 'The Sissoko Kid' accidently smacked the ref in the gob after tryin' to help Gazzaniga up from the floor. The ref went doon 'like a sack of taaties' and the game waz held up for a few minutes!

And then deep into injury time a horrendous tackle by Schneidelin on Haidara resulted in the Sooothampton man receivin' a yellow card, when it shud have been a definite 'red'!

Aall hell then broke oot on the bench with both goalkeepin' coaches from each side bein' sent off for fightin' on the touchline!

We now find worsels on the SIXTH branch of the Christmas tree, while results elsewhere meen that the SMBs will defiantly be 'bottom of the tree' amongst the cast off needles, come Christmas Day! <(lang may it continue!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon (Haidara 78), Sissoko, Anita, Tiote, Gouffran (Ben Arfa 73), Shola Ameobi (Cisse 61), Remy

Attendance: 49,164 (1,000 or so Sooothampton fans)
('The Geordie Times' prediction of a 50,000 crowd waz 836 oot!)
The crowd waz the highest in Britain ower the weekend
(NUFC Premyaa Leegue average: 50,089) <(3rd highest in England and 11th highest in the world!) 

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '11:20am bells' Saturday 14th December 2013

YOHAN CABAYE SCORES FROM THE PENALTY SPOT
AGAINST SOOOTHAMPTON LAST SEASON IN WOR 4-2 WIN

This afternoon @ St James' we gan for wor sixth Premyaa win in seven games and fourth home win 'in a row' against a Sooothampton team in poor form!
Wor visitors could aalso be withoot SEVEN forst team players through injury!

Hero of the moment Yohan Cabaye, who got the 'goalden goal' against 'The Manc Muppeteers' last week iz suspended, while 'The Sissoko Kid' iz just one bookin' away from suspension!
We have ne more fresh selection problems az wor manager faces one of hiz former clubs
A win could lift us up to the 'dizzy heights' of fifth! (we are seventh at the mo!)

Az this iz a non televised game <(apart from the pirate channels!)  and a '3 bells' kick off, we predict that a 50,000 crowd will torn up?
Not sure how many tickets wor visitors have selt, but we reckon that they will have at least 1,000 in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes'

After 'The Lord Mayors Show' @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' last week, lets hope we divvint come doon with a bump like we have so many times in the past???

Must dash to catch the bus to the Toon for the pre match 'liquid lubrications'!
More to follow on aall this tomorrow when a full match report will be forthcomin'!

NORTH SHEEELDS 1 THE TOON RESORVES 3 **** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 12th December 2013

MATCH REPORT BY
PERCY THE PIGEON

The Toon resorves progressed to the semis of The Northumberland Senior Cup when they beat North Sheelds in front of a 730 crowd @ Ralph Gardner Park <(it's original name!) last neet.

Sheeelds took a shock lead however when ex Toon player Keiron Wrightson put them aheed in the 7th minute, but it didn't tek The Toon lang to regroup and Gillesphey equalised soon after from the far post with a tap in.

Then in the 17th minute Adam Campbell put us in front after a neat pass from Bigiramana.

It waz 3-1 to us just after the interval when Campbell got hiz 2nd goal with a fine lob and that waz the end of the scorin'!

The Toon now await their semi final opponents when the draw iz made in the near future! "Coooo!"

NORTH SHEEELDS v THE TOON RESORVES *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wednesday 11th December 2013

Toneet wor resorves take on North Sheeelds @ Ralph Gardner Park in a Northumberland Senior Cup qwaataa final tie.

Admission iz a fiver for big kids and three quid for aall othaaz and the big kick off iz at '7:30 bells'!

The groond iz a five minute waalk from both North Sheeelds and Meadowell Metro stations <(the choice iz yours, where yoo get mugged!)

We've been here before of course on a past 'groundhoppin' mission', but unfortunately I have to gan to graft doon to the Bormingham area yet again toneet---but fear not!---az wor faithful 'winged wonder', 'Percy the Pigeon' (pictured!)  will give yoo a full match report sometime tomorrow afternoon!

"COO!" WHEY HURRY UP MAAN!
OR WE'LL MISS THE METRO TO NORTH SHEEELDS!"