"IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT! *** IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT! *** IT'S A FESTIVE SELL-OOT!"

Posted '10:10am bells' Monday 16th December 2013

The followin' NUFC games ower the festive period are now completleee selt oot!

Saturday 21st December *** The Crystal Balls v The Toon
(away allocation 2,600) <(been selt oot for weeks?)

Sunday 29th December *** The Toon v The Arse

New Years Day, Wednesday 1st January *** The Baggie Troosers v The Toon <(away allocation not known yet)

There are tickets still available for wor home game against The P*ss Potts of Stoke on Boxin' Day, but this iz aalso expected to be a complete selloot! <(so yi'd better hurry up if yih want to gan!)

THE TOON 1 SOOOTHAMPTON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 15th December 2013


'THE TOON' ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
IN THE 1st MINUTE OF THE GAME!

Predicably! we were unpredictable again against Sooothampton and could anly manage a draw @ St James' Park!

'Goofy Goffran' put us aheed @ 'The Gallowgate End' in the 27th minute when he neatly rounded their keeper to slot the baall home!
We had several chances after that to increase wor lead, but failure to do so would cost us dear in the 2nd half!

Quite simply we took 'the foot off the gas' for a 20 minute period in the 2nd half and the 'alarm bells shud have rung then', when Sooothampton forward Steve Davis hit the post but hiz effort rebounded oot and we got off with it!
However!---and just a couple of minutes later, luck waz on hiz side when anothaa effort by him, went in off the post this time, to give them an equaliser to loud protests from Toon fans and players alike who thought he waz offside!

Loic Remy who had missed a glorious chance in the 1st half shud have wrapped the game up when an error by Gazzaniga in the Sooothampton goal gave the baall to him in the box, but somehow he managed to kick the baall ower the bar, when it waz easier to score!

Then a comical incident in the 87th minute when 'The Sissoko Kid' accidently smacked the ref in the gob after tryin' to help Gazzaniga up from the floor. The ref went doon 'like a sack of taaties' and the game waz held up for a few minutes!

And then deep into injury time a horrendous tackle by Schneidelin on Haidara resulted in the Sooothampton man receivin' a yellow card, when it shud have been a definite 'red'!

Aall hell then broke oot on the bench with both goalkeepin' coaches from each side bein' sent off for fightin' on the touchline!

We now find worsels on the SIXTH branch of the Christmas tree, while results elsewhere meen that the SMBs will defiantly be 'bottom of the tree' amongst the cast off needles, come Christmas Day! <(lang may it continue!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon (Haidara 78), Sissoko, Anita, Tiote, Gouffran (Ben Arfa 73), Shola Ameobi (Cisse 61), Remy

Attendance: 49,164 (1,000 or so Sooothampton fans)
('The Geordie Times' prediction of a 50,000 crowd waz 836 oot!)
The crowd waz the highest in Britain ower the weekend
(NUFC Premyaa Leegue average: 50,089) <(3rd highest in England and 11th highest in the world!) 

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '11:20am bells' Saturday 14th December 2013

YOHAN CABAYE SCORES FROM THE PENALTY SPOT
AGAINST SOOOTHAMPTON LAST SEASON IN WOR 4-2 WIN

This afternoon @ St James' we gan for wor sixth Premyaa win in seven games and fourth home win 'in a row' against a Sooothampton team in poor form!
Wor visitors could aalso be withoot SEVEN forst team players through injury!

Hero of the moment Yohan Cabaye, who got the 'goalden goal' against 'The Manc Muppeteers' last week iz suspended, while 'The Sissoko Kid' iz just one bookin' away from suspension!
We have ne more fresh selection problems az wor manager faces one of hiz former clubs
A win could lift us up to the 'dizzy heights' of fifth! (we are seventh at the mo!)

Az this iz a non televised game <(apart from the pirate channels!)  and a '3 bells' kick off, we predict that a 50,000 crowd will torn up?
Not sure how many tickets wor visitors have selt, but we reckon that they will have at least 1,000 in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes'

After 'The Lord Mayors Show' @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' last week, lets hope we divvint come doon with a bump like we have so many times in the past???

Must dash to catch the bus to the Toon for the pre match 'liquid lubrications'!
More to follow on aall this tomorrow when a full match report will be forthcomin'!

NORTH SHEEELDS 1 THE TOON RESORVES 3 **** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 12th December 2013

MATCH REPORT BY
PERCY THE PIGEON

The Toon resorves progressed to the semis of The Northumberland Senior Cup when they beat North Sheelds in front of a 730 crowd @ Ralph Gardner Park <(it's original name!) last neet.

Sheeelds took a shock lead however when ex Toon player Keiron Wrightson put them aheed in the 7th minute, but it didn't tek The Toon lang to regroup and Gillesphey equalised soon after from the far post with a tap in.

Then in the 17th minute Adam Campbell put us in front after a neat pass from Bigiramana.

It waz 3-1 to us just after the interval when Campbell got hiz 2nd goal with a fine lob and that waz the end of the scorin'!

The Toon now await their semi final opponents when the draw iz made in the near future! "Coooo!"

NORTH SHEEELDS v THE TOON RESORVES *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wednesday 11th December 2013

Toneet wor resorves take on North Sheeelds @ Ralph Gardner Park in a Northumberland Senior Cup qwaataa final tie.

Admission iz a fiver for big kids and three quid for aall othaaz and the big kick off iz at '7:30 bells'!

The groond iz a five minute waalk from both North Sheeelds and Meadowell Metro stations <(the choice iz yours, where yoo get mugged!)

We've been here before of course on a past 'groundhoppin' mission', but unfortunately I have to gan to graft doon to the Bormingham area yet again toneet---but fear not!---az wor faithful 'winged wonder', 'Percy the Pigeon' (pictured!)  will give yoo a full match report sometime tomorrow afternoon!

"COO!" WHEY HURRY UP MAAN!
OR WE'LL MISS THE METRO TO NORTH SHEEELDS!"
 

90,000 REASONS TO BELIEVE!

Posted '12:12pm bells' Tuesday 10th December 2013

With aall the hype and hysteria of wor famous victory @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Saturday, anothaa un-noticed milestone waz passed by 'The Geordie Times'!

We received wor NINETY THOOSANDTH HIT sometime ower the weekend and we are now less than TEN THOOSAND from 'the holy grail' of the magical 100,000 mark!
146 countries and territories aroood the world (plus Mars!) have now viewed this site with the last 3 bein' Suriname, Angola and Djibouti <(wherever that iz?) 

Yet again we thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' into this NUFC fan website!

The top 'hits' aroond the world and beyond are az follows.
(Countries with ower 1,000 pageviews)

1: UK***46,734
2: USA***16,062
3: Ukraine***4,289
4: (Mee old) China***2,641
5: Jawmany***1,816
6: Rushaa***1,116
7: The Guinness Republic***1,071



"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

FA CUP THORD ROOND DRAW *** THE TOON v THE CARDIFF RED HERRING GULLS!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Monday 9th December 2013

It haz certainly been a canny weekend az far az 'The Toon' are concerned and we have (thankfully!) been drawn at home to 'The Red Herring Gulls of Cardiff' in roond three of the FA Cup, which iz definitely better than yet anothaa horror away trip to '(Ne Where Near) Brighton', az haz happened in the previous two years! (and two horror defeats!)
The game will tek place in the forst week of January on eethaa Saturday, Sunday or Monday! <(dependin' if it iz picked for live telly---but we doubt it!)

Of course Cardiff used to be known az 'The Bluebirds', but their new far east owner haz changed their strip to bright red, much to the annoyance of the majority of their fans! <(anothaa case of: "It's my trainset and I'll do what I want!") 

One paper ower the weekend even caalled them 'The Bluebirds' but how can this be if they play in red?---so 'The Red Herring Gulls' it iz, az far az we are concerned!
 

(Or shud that be simply: 'RED HERRINGS'!?)

"ARE YOU WATCHING BOBBY CHARLTON?"

The game waz broadcast live by Norwegian TV and their excited commentator had the follow to say after the final whistle!

"Are you watching Ryan Giggs?---are you watching Eric Cantona?---are you watching Bobby Charlton?---are you watching Alex Ferguson?"
"Your boys took one hell of a beating!"

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD v THE TOON ***TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 6th December 2013

SOMEWHERE IN 'THE STRETFORD END'!

We heed off to 'Muppetland' on the 'six bells' train tomorrow mornin' for this '12:45 bells' kick off @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' in Salford, near Manchester and (shud?) arrive just after 9:30!
'The Retro Bar' not far from the station will be wor forst 'liquid lubrication location' where several pints of the local brew will be consumed!

We can anly hope that we play much better than we did @ Swanzee (match report below!) and put in a 'Dr Jykell' performance rather than a 'Mr Hyde' one! >>>>>>>>>>
Aall 3,000 tickets allocated to us have (not suprizingleee!) been sold!

More to follow on aall this much later!---when we get back!

THE SWAN LAKERS 3 THE TOON 0 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 5th December 2013

THE TOON (in dark blue) ATTACK THE SWANZEE GOAL
FROM A RARE CORNER! (View from row 'S')

"NINETEEN (and a half!) HOURS OF PURE PURGITORY!"

The torturous bus jorney started off ootside St James' Park, where aa boarded the coach just before '10 am bells' and 10 minutes later we were off on wor 750 mile 'epic'? roond trip to sooth Wales!

Withoot borin' yoo to death aboot bein' held up in jams and roadworks, we eventually arrived ootside Swanzee's groond at 'qwaata past six bells', some EIGHT hours (plus) after leavin' Tyneside!

This meant that we didn't have much drinkin' time before the kick off so we heeded for 'The Harvester' next to the groond, where three pints of 'Strongbow' were quickly dispatched doon mee 'Gregory', before heedin' for the tornstiles.

More than *2,000 Toon fans had made the awkward lang jorney and they were in good voice in anticipation of anothaa good result in the offing az the game kicked off! ---WRANG!
Wot we got waz one of wor 'Mr Hyde' performances and any excuses that ref Howard Webb didn't give us at least THREE blatant penalty shud not detract from an aaful performance @ The Liberty Stadium by us!

Both teams were c*ap in the forst period, with the anly action of note that aa can remember bein' a heeder by Loic Remy that waz tipped around the post by Swanzee keeper Vorm!


"THE WEBB OF DECEIT!"

And then in the second period 'the wheel came off' <(just like in a vorse of 'The Blaydon Races' song!) after we were denied TWO blatant 'hand baall' penalties for Remy and Cabaye and a shove in the back for Gouffran in the box, makin' THREE major penalty decisions missed by Webb??? <(yoo shud gan to 'Specsavers' mate!) 

Swanzee then took the lead through Shelvey when hiz shot waz deflected off Debuchy and az we didn't look az though we could hit a barn door at this stage it looked 'game ower' at this point!

Two forthaa home goals sealed wor fate az we faced wor forst defeat in five!
Like aa say Howard Webb didn't help us one bit, but wor inability to have any shots on target in the 2nd half proved to be wor doonfaall! "THREE NIL---TO THE REFEREE!"

We then faced the torturous jorney yem via detours for motorway closures arrivin' yem at '5:30 am bells' and nineteen hours plus after leavin' from St James'***
"NEVER AGAIN!" <(whey! aa said that the last time az well!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy Williamson (Yanga 77), Coloccini, Santon (Haidera 56), Sissoko, Tiote, Cabaye, Gouffran, Remy Shola Ameobi (Obertan 67)

Attendance: 20, 457 (more than 2,000 Toon fans?) <(some sources say anly 1,000 plus?) < (looked aroond aboot the 2,000 mark to me---like!)