"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!, ALAN!"

Updated '2:37pm bells' Friday 6th September 2013

"DID I HONESTLY SAY THAT!?"

Club spokesman 'I Beg Your Pardew' <(whey! who else speaks for them apart from "I'll tell you a story***'JoeKanory"?) haz been comin' oot with some unbeleeevible stuff ower the last couple of days!

Let us remind yoo wot 'The Fat Controller's' 'puppet on a string' said after the last season fiasco, when we nearly got relegated!

May 2013: "We are very (very!) lucky to have the support that we've got!
We still need to make sure that we bring in two or three new recruits which will take us forward! 
We genuinely, genuinely, need a couple in the first team that compliments the others!"

And then two days ago he sez this!: "Joe(K) has been working very hard on numerous targets <(vodka,whisky,gin, etc!)  but they were beyond our financial means! <(ie: ne free transfors!)
"We did the majority of our business in the January window, signing five excellent players!" 
"With the strong squad we have we should all approach the new season in a positive, optimistic frame of mind!" <(we nearly got relegated!) (did we reeely lose 6-0 at home to Liverpool?)

Pinocchio hazzent got a look in with him and 'JoeK'!

"JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!"

Posted '1:10pm bells' Tuesday 3rd September 2013

"FANTASY FUTBAALL!"

So the transfor window haz come and gone with ne new permanent signins on board and wor Irish born adopted 'Cockney Clown' 'Joe Kanory' haz made up some fantastic, fantasy and 'make believe' stories aboot this, in a new book to be published soon!

Claims that he would sign quality players of Champions League standard and that he had many (many!) contacts in the game with top managers like Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho, (who he speaks to on a daily basis!), and that he can pick the phone up and caall ANY other managers in the world aboot transfor targets, are just some of the brilliant stories he haz written for us ower the last two and a half months in hiz role az a 'Director of Fools' at NUFC!
Yi couldn't make it up!
"JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!" 

"THE CLOCKS A TICKIN' JoeK'!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 2nd September 2013

'JoeKanory' haz less than SEVEN HOURS to make a permanent signing for us in the transfor window, after TWO and a HALF MONTHS in the job? of 'Director of Fools'!

A reminder to wot he said when he got the job on June 16th:

"I will sign players of CHAMPIONS LEAGUE quality and I have many irons in the fire and am in daily contact with many top managers!"

Geordie Times reply: "Whey! JoeK--Yi have less than half a day to make az many quality signins az yi like!---we shall see by '11 bells' toneet!"

Conclusion?: see photo at top of page!

THE TOON 1 THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS 0

Posted '11:45am bells' Sunday 1st September 2013

A crucial game so orly in the season and one we had to win or else we would be stuck in 'the abyss' took place against a Fulham side who were actually worse than us!

It waz obvious from the start that Guss's side were here for a goal-less draw az they put 11 men behind the baall aalmost from the kick off!

That's the way it stayed til half time az most of the crowd sat dozin' in their seats!

The failure of  *'The Cockney Clown' 'JoeKanory' to sign any players in the two and a half months he haz been here waz clear to see az we were unable to break doon 'The Wackos' defence!
*(We naa that he's Irish, but he IZ an 'adopted Cockney' az he haz lived there most of hiz life!) <(and still does!)

The 2nd half wasn't much better and not until the introduction of Yohan Cabaye (to quite a few boos!) and loan signin' Loic Remy (at last!) did we look capable of scorin'!

Cisse then hit the bar with a free heeder which woke the crowd from their slumbers and Remy caused chaos in the visitors defence az the clock ticked doon!

And then at last after aalmost FIVE MONTHS of waitin', in the last throws of the game, up stepped Ben Arfa to slam an unstoppable shot from outside the box after a fine dribble, to leave Stockdale in The Wackos goal stranded az the baall flew past him into the net at The Gallowgate End!

A massive roar then enveloped St James' az the players celebrated wildly, az did the fans!

Three valuable points were in the bag and justice had been done against the negative visitors who will ne doubt be in the mire by the end of the season! (Lets hope that WE are NOT!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Yanga, Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Sissoko, Anita (Cabaye 65), Marveaux (Remy 74), Shola Ameobi (Gouffran 65), Cisse 

Attendance:46,402 (just 500 Wacko Jackos!)

THE TOON v THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS of FULHAM ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '11:25am bells' Saturday 31st August 2013

ACTION FROM WOR GAME AGAINST 'THE WACKOS' IN APRIL

We must now torn wor attention away from The Leegue Cup and back to The Premyaa Leegue where we play the men from Craven Cottage, (home to the Michael Jackson statue!) @ St James' Park for the THORD '3 bells' Saturday home game in a row! (Wor resorves played Wolves here two weeks ago and of course we played West Ham last week!)

We are lookin' for wor forst home goal for nearly FIVE MONTHS (April 7th!) when, coincidently <(we naa the 'massive' words az well!) we beat Fulham 1-0 with a 94th minute last gasp goal from Demba Cisse @ The Gallowgate End <(where wild celebrations followed!)

It looks likely that Cabaye(bye!) will be in the squad after hiz disgraceful refusal to play against Man City and West Ham, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him which waz torned doon! But many fans are unhappy aboot this (inc me!) and think he shud be shown the door for hiz complete un-loyalty to us!

Anyway!--the fact that we havvent scored at home for so lang, tells it's own sorry story aboot wor plight and the inactivity in the transfor market, despite repeated promises from 'JoeKanory' that we will sign a striker of CHAMPIONS LEEGUE QUALITY??? <(yi havin' a JoeK!)
With just THREE days left before the window closes, it iz an  unbelievable situation that we find worsels in! <(pass a crate of 'broon ale'---quick!)

Match and pub crawl report to follow sometime tooneet or Sunday mornin'!

MORECAMBE v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Updated '1:04pm bells' Wednesday 28th August 2013

"NO!***NOT THAT MORECAMBE!"

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will make their forst ever visit to The Globe Arena, Morecambe, toneet, aalthough some of us have actually seen The Toon play in Morecambe before, when wor resorve side played Blackborn resorves there a few years ago at their old Christie Park groond!

We're not sure wot side 'I Beg Your Pardew' will send oot for this League Cup tie, but we have hord that Sammy Ameobi will be in the startin' line up, which meens we think that a mainly resorve team iz expected to play? < (we shall see!)


"AYE!***THAT ONE!"

The groond which opened in 2010 and cost £12 million to build, holds just 6,400 and we have been allocated 600 seats and 1,200 standin' places and aall tickets are now sold oot!

We leave at '2 bells' for the delights of Morecambe Bay!
More to follow on this game later when we get back!

"AND HERE'S SOME 'JoeK's' WE MADE UP ORLIER!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 26th August 2013

"TOON FANS IN 'THE LEAZES END' GIVE 'JoeK'
A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE BEFORE SATURDAY'S
GAME AGAINST 'THE JELLIED EELS MOB!"
(JUST A PITY HE WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT!)

Somebody haz been rattlin' 'JoeKanory's cage once again and he haz awoken from hiz slumbers and come oot of hibernation to give us hiz export opinion on wor current state of affairs!

Yesterday
JoeKanory: "I DON'T understand where the negativity comes from?---We are 2 games into a 38 game season and already the doom and gloom merchants are looking for a scapegoat!"

(Since the end of last season and 'Joek's arrival, we have weakened the team by gettin' rid of Steve Harper, Danny Simpson and James Perch and replaced them with NE new permanent signings!----aalso there's Yohan Cabaye's disgraceful refusal to play for us on Saturday, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him, (which waz torned doon!) but hiz imminent departure won't be lang now, we finx!)

JoeKanory: "Before the season started we sat down and agreed that the squad was BIG enough and STRONG enough to finish in the TOP HALF of the table!"

(The anly way we will finish in the top half of the table iz if yoo torn it upside doon!)

JoeKanory: "Last week we flew to Nice and were met by a private helicopter transfer to Mike Ashley's yacht off St. Tropez <(very nice!) and we spent 7 hours thrashing out every idea and to how to plan to take the club forward!"

(That waz  less than TWO weeks before the close of the transfor window!---he's anly been in the job since June 16th on the remit of signin' players of "CHAMPIONS LEAGUE STANDARD!" <(hiz words NOT wors!)

JoeKanory: "I sanctioned the one year LOAN deal for Loic Remy and if it goes 'pear-shaped' I will take full responsibility for it!"

(He haz aalready missed the forst two games due to injury and iz set to miss at least the next two!---and then there's a little matter of a court case in September, where he iz accused of gang rape!---so he might NEVAA get to play for us!---"pass the pears, pleeeze!")

THE TOON 0 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0 ***** "JUST LIKE MY DREAMS ***** THEY FADE AND DIE!"

Updated '10:46pm bells' Sunday 25th August 2013



"DARK CLOUDS DESCEND OWER ST JAMES'!"
"IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!"

'Judgement day one' (az Pardew caalls it!) started off with a goal-less draw against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' from "eest Landan!" and anly ONE shot waz on target from eetha team in the entire 90 minutes! (and NOT from us!)

A crowd approachin' 50,000 were assembled to watch these two poor teams and apart from an orly chance for us @ The Leazes End when the visitors nearly scored an own goal, we were 2nd best to them for most of the game!

Shola partnered Cisse up front but neethaa got the service they craved and it waz the visitors who shud have won it with 3 good chances which they 'fluffed', notably former Toon player Kevin Nolan, who, unmarked, heeded ower the bar @ The Leazes End in the 2nd half, when it looked easier to score! <(he got a canny reception from The Toon fans at the start!---mebeez he felt guilty and missed it on purpose?)

Az if the wethaa 'knew it', black clouds and heavy rain desended ower the groond and  West Ham sub Morrison even came on wearin' a PAIR OF GLOVES! <(in AUGUST!) < (wot wud John McNamee make of that!?)

"THEY'RE DEFINATELY NOT BOXIN' GLOVES!"

Then!---at 'the death' Sammy Ameobi sent ower a cross which rebounded off the stanchion of the goal and fell nicey for Gouffran, who had the easy chance of side footin' the baall into the net, BUT! instead chose to hoist the baall ower the bar and into The Gallowgate End, where the faithful held their heads in their hands in despair!  NIL-NIL final score!

We now havvent scored in the last fower Premyaa Leegue games @ St James', gannin back to last season and wor failins are blindingleee obvious to aall who were present!

'The Jellied Eels Mob' (above!) have a club song caalled 'Bubbles' and one line gans: "Just like my dreams they fade and die!"----Surely this shud be WOR song az a major trophy iz sommik we definitely WON'T win under the leadership of 'I Beg Your Pardew', 'JoeKanory' (see below!) and 'The Fat Controller'!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Santon, Anita, Coloccini, Yanga, Sissoko, Marveaux (Sammy Ameobi 66), Cisse (Gouffran 72. Shola Ameobi, Ben Arfa

Attendance: 49,622 (2,500 Jellied Eels!)

THE TOON v THE JELLIED EELS MOB ***THIS AFTERNOOON! ***"JUDGEMENT DAY ONE!"

Updated '11:35am bells' Saturday 24th August 2013

The forst of two home game in a week in wot wor beleagred manager describes az "Judgement days!" (see below!)  teks place this afternooon @ '3 bells' against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' from "eest Landan!"

Steve Taylor will of course be missin' after hiz stupid sendin' off @ Man City on Monday neet!
Gutierrez iz aalso oot az iz Tiote and of course wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far Loic Remy, who iz carryin' a calf injury and definatleee won't feature! (Williamson iz said to be 'strugglin' az well!)
And az for Yohan Cabaye???---we havvent got a clue if he will be playin'! ,(he apparently wasn't in 'the reet frame of mind' to play for us @ Man City followin' Arsenal's £10 million bid!)
 
Wor visitors will NOT have former Toon player Andy Pandy in their line up az he iz 'cattled', but "No-No-No-Nolan!" iz expected to play and it will be interestin' to see wot reception he gets!?

Havin' conceded 10 goals in the last 3 home games of last season (withoot reply!) this iz indeed 'Judgement day one!' az far az the lang sufferin' Toon fans are concerned! (especially az it's virtually the SAME players who played in those games!) 

'The Ronny Gill' says the match iz a selloot, whereaz othaa sources say that there are still plenty of tickets available???

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a full match report sometime later today or tomorrow <(dependin' on the result!)

THE SMOGGIES U21s v THE TOON U21s *** @ THE SMELLNET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 23rd August 2013


"ONE WE MADE ORLIER!"

Tooneet the resorve U21s make the short trip to Smogland for a leegue fixture.
Admission iz £3 (ne concessions!) via the West Stand lower tier and divvint forget to take your smog mask if yi gannin doon for the '7 bells' start!

Late update: We lost 4-3 with wor goals comin' from Jonathyn Quinn (toe poke), Adam Armstrong ( shot) and Curtis Good (shot)

Attendance: 577 (a 'smatterin' of Toon fans!)