"JUDGEMENT DAYS A COMIN'!" ***

Posted '1:45pm bells' Thorsday 22nd August 2013

"THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!"

Followin' the debacle and the 'white flag of surrender' by 'I Beg Your Pardew' on Monday neet after just FIVE minutes (see below!) he now asks us to 'judge' hiz team ower the next two Premyaa Leegue games, both @ St James' and both against so called mediocre opposition!

With ne new signins on show despite 'JoeKanory's (broken!) promises to bring in players of "Champions Leegue standard!"?, the anly thing we naa for certain iz that Yohan Cabaye will soon be sayin' ---"Ca-BYE!-BYE!!"

Big Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' are the 'mediocre' opposition this comin' Saturday and the retorn of 'Andy Pandy' and "No-No-No-Nolan!" will add spice to the game!
It will be very interestin' indeed to see the size of the crowd az many fans wrapped their season tickets in after the shambles of the last campaign.
Indeed!---yoo can buy an adult ticket for az little az £15 for this game, when just last season the lowest price for an adult ticket for this fixture was £26! <(wot does THAT tell yoo!?)

Then in between the next Premya game on Saturday week against 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' of Fulham we must travel to Morecambe next Wednesday for a Leegue Cup tie against the seaside minnows!

Remember!--- 'Judgement Day Part One' iz comin' on Saturday!

More to follow on aall this ower the next couple of days!

THE BLUE MOONIES 4 THE TOON 0 ***'TAYLS' OF THE NOT! UNEXPECTED!

Updated '12:30pm bells' Tuesday 20th August 2013


THE TOON MAKE A RARE ATTACK ON THE BLUE MOONIES 
GOAL DURIN' THE 2nd HALF



The topic of conversation az we sped ower the 'M62' motorway past the 'famous farmhoose' towards 'Mancland' waz the £10 mill bid that 'The Arse' had put in for Yohan Cabaye orlier that day!

Anothaa player to bite the dust and disappear ower the horizon waz a certainty we thought!

Forthaa confirmation that he wasn't playin', telt us that we would nevaa see him in a Toon top again and the mood in 'The Retro Bar' in the city centre waz of 'doom and gloom' rathaa than optimism for the new season! < (just how many would we lose by?)

Anyway!---it waz soon time to heed for the stadium in east Mancland and anly around 1,450 hardy souls in black n white garb occupied the lower tier of 'The Sooth Stand' <(many of them p*ssed oot their brains!)

Steve Taylor ran oot punchin' the air to get us in the mood and he received a rapturous reception from the small band of followers! <(we could of had double that number of tickets, but we couldn't sell 'em at *£46 a go!) <(wot does that tell yi aboot wor 'plight'!?)

It took the home team preciseleee 5 mins and 40 seconds <(by my everwrong watch!) to score the openin' goal when Taylor's arm divorted the baall to the heed of Silva, who nodded past Tim Krul in The Toon goal!

The 2nd was 'inevitable' az City pounded wor goal and it came in the 23rd minute when Aguero put the baall beyond the reach of Krul to double their lead! <(game ower!)

Then 'Tayls' did a stupid and daft thing just before the break when he smacked Aguero in the gob with hiz right arm <(or waz it hiz left?), polaxin' the 'Blue Moonie'!
A red card waz shown by the ref and it waz now a case of 'damage limitation' in the 2nd period!

It waz soon 3-0 just after the re-start when a free kick by Toure on the edge of the box, beat 'the waall' (at least two Toon players shamefully 'ducked', to avoid the baall hittin' them!) and send the baall into the roof of the net.
The Toon barely ventured into The Blue Moonies half and the 4th and last goal waz scored by Nasri to complete wor misery!

The Toon fans were in foul mood by this time slaggin' off 'The Fat Controller' and singin': "SPEND SOME F*****' MONEY!"
The scoreline could have been much worse though and we got off lightly from a team a hundred million miles <(and poonds) aheed of us in the transfor window!

After just one game of the new campaign we find worselz at the bottom of 'the abyss' and anothaa lang hard season of sufferin' and heartache looks inevitable---for sure! <(pass the heedache tablets!---quick!)

Toon team: Krul, Steve Taylor, Debuchy, Coloccini, Yanga, Tiote, Sissoko, Gutierrez (Anita 44), Ben Arfa (Sammy Ameobi 65), Cisse, Gouffran (Dummett 45)

Attendance: 46,842 (1,450 'sufferers')

ONE OF THE LONG SUFFERIN' FANS!
(*the ticket price didn't include the £1 bookin' fee
imposed by NUFC!) (£45+£1=£46!)

THE BLUE MOONIES v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Posted '8:57am bells' Monday 19th August 2013


ACTION FROM LAST SEASON! ***WE LOST 4-0!


The new season iz upon us at last (two days late!) when we travel to The City of Manc Stadium to face The Blue Moonies.
With ne new signings on show we face an uphill task before we start az City have spent £100,000,000 compared to wor £0 in the transfor market!

Wor belegered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' seems to have hoyed the white flag of surrender up aalready with hiz comments that we carnt possibly compete with them in the transfor window!
He aalso stated on Friday that we had ne injurys for tooneet, but then went on to add that Davide Santon would NOT be playin' due to an injury!???
We've nevaa won here before and it looks a very lang shot that we will break wor duck @ '8 bells' tooneet!

We will be settin' off at '1:30 pm bells' for this Pennine outpost and we will of course bring yoo a full match report when we get back (sometime tomorrow!) 

'THE GOODIES' 3 'THE BADDIES' 1 (THE TOON U21s 3 WOLVES U21s 1)

Posted '10:20am bells' Sunday 18th August 2013

Jamie's forst game aged 3 years and 300 days!


JAMIE (STANDIN' BY FENCE) GETS CLOSER TO THE ACTION!


Me and wor lass picked 3 year old grandbairn Jamie up from hiz mammy and daddy's hoose and heeded for The Toon. <(yiv got to catch them young!) <(they've got to lorn to 'suffer' like us!)
Jamie who waz dressed in hiz black n white top for the occasion, waz excited aboot gannin' to the match and asked if we were gannin to 'the beer bar'
"YES!"--aa said, az he danced and waved hiz arms excitedly and off we set to 'The Strawberry'  'beer bar' next to the groond!

A pint of orange 'beer' waz consumed by Jamie az me and wor lass supped the normal 'broon stuff'!
Jamie then decided to get in a spot of 'serious pool practice'!


"CRUCIBLE!***CRUCIBLE!***HERE I COME!"


We then heeded for the tornstiles (Jamie crawled under them!) and we picked some seats near to the front, but just before the kick off it started 'chuckin it doon' and so we had to move forthaa back up The East Stand to keep dry!

In the 4th minute Haris Vuckic had a fine shot @ The Leazes End which waz tipped ower the bar by the Wolves keeper!

Then in the 21st minute disaster struck az the visitors took the lead through Altenmi who toe poked the baall past Alnwick in The Toon goal (NOT a good start for Jamie!)

I told Jamie that the team in the orange strip were 'The Baddies' and that we were 'The Goodies'

'The Goodies' then equalised when Vuckic crossed from the right and Gillespey fired home past the Wolves keeper, which brought loud applause from the smaall crowd and Jamie joined in in the celebrations by dancin' doon the steps!

Better waz to come when Adam Armstrong stabbed the baall home just a few minutes later and Jamie celebrated doon the steps once again! (HT: The Goodies 2 The Baddies 1)

The 2nd half waz'nt half az good az the 1st and Jamie who waz gettin' bored by now, torned aroond in hiz seat to face the wrong way!!! <(he had more sense than us!) <(the 'sufferin' had started aalready!)


"SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN!***SUFFER!"


Then! bang on full time Dan Gosling 'wrapped it up' when he tapped in a loose baall @ 'The Gallowgate End'
Jamie celebrated this time by runnin' alang the front of the East Stand!

The final whistle blew and Jamie's 'debut game' waz complete with a 3-1 win to 'The Goodies'! <(he now haz a lifetime of 'sufferin' to endue!***just like the rest of us!)

Toon team: Alnwick, Mbabu, Gillesphey (Quinn 46), Sakta, Streete, Good, Gosling, Bigiramana, Gilliead (Heardman 74), Vuckic (Logan 54), Armstrong

Attendance: *600 (includin' Jamie of course!) (*estimated crowd) 

PS: the official attendance waz later given az 584 (mee guess waz 16 oot!)

THE TOON U21's v WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ U21's ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '11:50am bells' Saturday 17th August 2013

THE EAST STAND

This afternoon @ '3 bells' a very rare occurrence will happen @ St James' Park when The Toon U21 resorve side tek on Wolves in a FA U21 Premyaa Leegue fixture!

We honestly carnt remember the last time the resorves played a '3 bells' Saturday game @ SJP, but aa naa one thing---it waz a very (very!) lang time ago!
In the 1960's when the forst team were away on the Saturday the resorves would play the revorse fixture on the hallowed torf and aa used to be a regular in them days!

It shud be mentioned that mee 3 year old grandbairn 'Jamie' will be in attendance for the very forst time and will be 'kitted oot' in hiz black n white strip for the occasion! (he will be 3 years and 300 days  old, preciselee, when the game kicks off!) <(yiv got to start them young!) <(they've got to lorn to 'suffer' like us!)

Admission iz via The East Stand and iz free to season ticket holders and members ---everyone else must pay £3 (or £1, dependin' on your age!)

Toon squad for the game: Alnwick, Booth, Aird, Mbabu, Goode, Sakta, Streete, Logan, Gosling, Gilliead, Gillespey, Bigiramana, Vuckic, Quinn, Armstrong, Heardman


A full match report on the Wolves game and Jamie's debut visit will be forthcomin' on Sunday mornin'!

Of course the reason we have a 'free Saturday' on the openin' day of the new season iz because we divvint play 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland til Monday neet @ The City of Manc Stadium!
(ne new signins on show---ne hope!) 

THE NOT SO PERFECT 'REMY'DY!

Posted '12:20pm bells' Thorsday 15th August 2013


"THE TOON'S NEW 4th STRIP---PERHAPS?"

News that Loic Remy, wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far in the transfor window, will not just miss wor openin' game of the season, but could aalso miss the next two games az well because of hiz calf injury, haz just been conformed by wor beleaguered manager!

The Hazbeens and Villians game @ Villa Park on September 14th haz now been 'pencilled in' az hiz possible debut???

Of course he might NEVER get to put the coverted black n white stripes on at aall, az he haz an inpendin' court case on an alledged gang rape charge!------IN SEPTEMBER!

"YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!"

THE LIVERBIRDS 3 THE TOON 1 (BEHIND CLOSED DOORS FRIENDLY)

Posted '12:25pm bells' Wednesday 14th August 2013


"SOMEWHERE OOTSIDE MELWOOD TRAININ' GROOND!"

Yesterday afternoon The Toon played a behind closed doors friendly @ Liverpool's Melwood trainin' groond, with ne public or press access! (apart from the above Scouse urchins!)

However!---'The Geordie Times' would NOT be beaten and we sent wor 'winged wonder' 'Percy the Carrier Pigeon' to fly ower the action and bring us back a match report!

"Coo! Coo! The Toon lost 3-1 in east Lancashire on Tuesday afternoon with Dan Gosling gettin' wor goal, firin' in from close qwaataaz, after bein' supplied by Adam Campbell.
It didn't help that we gave TWO penalties away and the result waz a fair one, considerin' that they put SIX past us @ St James' Park not so lang ago! Coooo!"

THE BISCUITMEN U21s 4 THE TOON U21s 2 ***LAST NEET!

Posted 2:05pm bells' Tuesday 13th August 2013

The U21s played at The Madjeski Stadium last neet in the Premyaa Resorve Leegue and we lost 4-2 with wor goals comin' from Gael Bigiramana (pen) and Adam Armstrong. The Toon sported yet anothaa change strip, this time bright yellow with black shorts!

We play again on Saturday against Wolves U21s @ St James' Park @ '3 bells' and the East Stand will be open for this game.

Tooneet the forst team play a 'behind closed doors' friendly against The Liverbirds at their trainin' ground. Unfortunately there iz a news blackout for this game, but we will send wor faithful carrier pigeon 'Percy', to fly ower the action and bring yoo a 'Geordie Times' excluuusive report sometime tomorrow!  

HARRODS v THE POOND SHOP ***NEXT MONDAY NEET!

Posted '12:40pm bells' Monday 12th August 2013


"THE 'TOON' SHOP HERE!"


With just a week to gan before the big kick off @ The City of Manc Stadium we STILL havvent signed a player for cash, despite wor 'Director of Fools' 'JoeKanory' tellin' us two month's ago that we would be signin' players "fit for the Champions League!" by the start of the new season!???

Whey!--- even wor 'one and anly loan player' Loic Remy iz 'UNfit' and iz oot of wor forst game next Monday with a calf injury!

The Blue Moonies in complete contrast to us have signed fower players for a total of nearly £100,000,000! and it looks like 'lambs to the slaughter time' come '8 bells' next week!

"THE BLUE MOONIES' SHOP HERE!"

We can anly hope that some poond notes are spent by 'The Fat Controller' by the weekend, or we will surely be in big BIG! trouble!

THE TOON 1 SC BRAGA 1

Updated '10:30pm bells' Sunday 11th August 2013

"TWENTY'S PLENTY!"

Wor one and anly home pre season friendly torned oot to be a 'non event' az we struggled against Portuguese side SC Braga @ St James' Park yesterday evenin'!

Wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far, Loic Remy, waz paraded before the fans before the kick off to a luke warm reception, with many fans refusin' to applaud a player who torned us doon in January, in favour of QPR for more dosh!

The Toon came oot sportin' a black n white 'half and half' Blackborn style strip, rathaa than wor traditional stripes, which puzzled us to say the very least??? 

We started off well when Coloccini shot just wide in the 2nd minute @ 'The Leazes End', but we faded after this and the anly othaa 'action' from us waz an effort from Cisse in the 18th minute which waz tipped ower the bar by the Braga keeper! 

The visitors took the lead bang on half time when one of their forwards waz adjudged to have been pushed in the box by Debuchy and the ref awarded a penalty with loud protest from the Toon players and fans alike!
Alan convoted the spot kick past Elliot in the Toon goal and so we went into the dressin' room 'one doon' at the break!

The 2nd half waz even worse than the 1st but Coloccini saved the day when he heeded in from a Ben Arfa corner @ 'The Gallowgate End' to send the 16,000 faithful into delerium! <(whey!---polite applause anyway!)

Attendance: 16,187 (we spotted TWO Braga fans @ the front of The Leazes End behind the goal!)   


The anly suprize for us waz the size of the crowd which waz some 6,000 more than we predicted at 16,000 plus <(there are more daft b*ggers than we thought!) 

Toon team line up: In total TWENTY players were used by us in this game and they were: Elliot, Krul, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Santon, Dummett, Yanga, Coloccini, Tiote, Cabaye, Sissoko, Anita, Cisse, Marveaux,  Shola Ameobi, Gouffran, Ben Arfa, Obertan, Gutierrez, (and finalleee)Sammy Ameobi!