2013-2014 PRE SEASON FIXTURES*** LATEST DATES & NEWS! ("KILLYMANJARO AWAY!")

Updated '7:50pm bells' Thorsday 27th Joon 2013


"NO!---NOT 'THAT' KILIMANJARO!"

The latest pre season fixtures that we naa aboot are printed below.

Yet more 'joyous news' for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'!, az yet anothaa Scottish Leegue groond that we have nevaa been te before, haz been added to 'the list', namely Kilmarnock, makin' it THREE 'newins' to visit now, with  Motherwell and St Mirren aalso on 'the list'!
However!--and to hoy a spanner into the works, Killy have advertised a forst team home game against Carlisle the previous neet---which meens that they will play twice within 24 hours, if that iz the case? <(aalso, there's nothing on their website yet, conformin' this game!) <(let the nail bitin' begin!)

The game at St Mirren haz been 'upgraded from a NUFC X1 game to a forst team game

"AYE!---'THAT ONE'!"

On top of that, two games in Portugal
have just been annoonced! (see below)

'Geordie Times'---dates for your diary!

Below iz a list of wot we naa so far involvin' the forst team, Toon X1/U21s and juniors (U18s & U17s) and we've 'culaa-coded' them to make it a bit eeezier for yoo to disifaa! (Aall of course, subject to change or cancellation!)

Key:
Gold=NUFC 1st team fixture
Yellow=NUFC X1/U21 resorve fixture
Green=NUFC junior fixture (U18s & U17s)
TBC=To Be Conformed
BCD=Behind Closed Doors

JULY
Tue 16 Hamilton Accies @ Blue Flames, Benton BCD

Tue 16 Motherwell @ Fir Park @ '7 bells'
(admission £15) The Toon have been allocated the whole end behind one goal, which haads 4,500

Sat 20 Soothampton @ Blue Flames, Benton BCD

Sat 20 Rio Ave of Portugal @ Estadio do Rio Ave

Tue 23 Pacos de Ferreira of Portugal @ Estadio de Mata Real 

Wed 24 Worky Tickets of Workington @ Borough Park @ '7:30 bells' 

Sat 27 Kilmarnock @ Rugby Park, kick off ?

Sun 28 Blackpool @ Bloomfield Road @ '3 bells'

Mon 29 O'Higgins of Chile @ Colraine Showgroonds, Northern Ireland @ '3:30 bells' (Northern Ireland Milk Cup)

Tue 30th St Mirren @ St Mirren Park, Paisley @ '7:30 bells' (admission £15 big kids, £8 zimmerframeites, £5 sprogs under 16)

Tue 30 Coonty Armagh @ Ballymena Showgroonds, Northern Ireland @ '8 bells' (Northern Ireland Milk Cup)

Wed 31 The Liverbirds @ Raida Park, Ballymoney, Northern Ireland @ '7 bells' (Northern Ireland Milk Cup)

AUG
Fri 2 (waz Sat 3 @ '3 bells') The Heedbangers of Gatesheed @ Gatesheed Stadium @ '7:30 bells' (admission £10 big kids, £5 zimmerframeites, £2 sprogs under 16) 

Sat 3rd Unconformed away game rumoured to be in Portugal (again!) against Arouca, who we were due to play on July 23rd

Sat 10 SC Braga @ St James' Park @ '6 bells'


Glasgow Rangers @ Ibrox Park 'BINNED'?

2 more games in Portugal against Estoril and Vitoria Setubal---'BINNED!?'

Tour of Sooth Africa---'BINNED!'


Anymore fixure news will be posted az soon az we find oot!              

ANLY FOOLS AND HORSES!***CONTINUED!

Posted '8:40pm bells' Wednesday 26th Joon 2013

It's now a week since MD 'Llambs to the Slaughter' resigned @ NUFC

The sequence of events which have happened ower the last couple of days in the desperate bid to replace him are listed below!

NUFC MD's JOB UP FOR GRABS!****'"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '9:45pm bells' Tuesday 25th Joon 2013

Part One:

Followin' the resignation of 'Llambs to the Slaughter' (above arrow, above!) from hiz MD's job at 'The Toon' last Wednesday, a vacancy for that prestigious position waz opened yesterday by NUFC!


The 'field' haz now been narrowed doon to just FOWER! (4) contenders today, from the thoosands who applied, and supreme court jesters 'The Fat Controller', I Beg Your Pardew' and 'JoeK In Yih Ear' will decided the winner after great deliberation tomorrow in 'The Orange Tree' pub, Landan!

The fower nominees ARE!---

1: Baldrick from Blackadder!

2: Benny from Crossroads!

3: Trigger from Only Fools and Horses!

4: Crusty the Clown from The Simpsons!

The winner of this executive post will be excluuusivleee reveeeled in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow afternooon!---SO!---WATCH THIS SPACE!

"IT'S TRIGGER!" ***"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '1:20pm bells' Wednesday 26th Joon 2013

Part Two:

The result of the NUFC MD's job went doon to the wire:
The votes for the fower nominees were az follows, az decided by the three NUFC supreme court jesters, 'The Fat Controller', 'I Beg Your Pardew and 'JoeK In Yih Ear'

In forst position: Trigger from Only Fools and Horses***ONE and a HALF votes!

In second position: Crusty the Clown from The Simpsons***HALF a vote!






In equal last position: Benny from Crossroads*** NE votes!

(and!) Baldrick from Blackadder***NE votes!




'I Beg Your Pardew' could'nt make hiz mind up az he thought that they were aall 'top draw' and abstained!
'The Fat Controller' couldn't decide between 'Crusty The Clown' or 'Trigger', (awardin' them half a point each!), so 'Joek In Your Ear' cast the final vote in 'Triggers favour', by declairin':

"He always calls 'Rodney', 'Dave', so he gets the job, coz he's obviously on the same 'wavelength' as me!"


"DAVE or RODNEY?"

SENSATIONAL NEWS FROM NUFC!***"TRIGGER GETS 'THE BULLET'!" ***"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '7:55pm bells' Wednesday 26th Joon 2013

Part Three:

After just FIVE MINUTES into hiz new job az MD of NUFC, Trigger from 'Only Fools and Horses' haz been sensationally sacked, az the club have foond oot that he iz anly 65 years old!<(born 22nd April 1948)

The clubs criteria for the vacancy clearly stated that the applicants must be at least 66 years old and that they shud caall players by their wrang names!

He passed the second part of the test easily, just like wor new 'Director of Futbaall' did, but the fact that he iz below the age limit, haz forced 'The Fat Controller' to sack him forthwith!

"THE SEARCH GANS ON!"

THE ASH CLOUDS ARE GATHERIN'!

Posted '2:15pm bells' Tuesday 25th Joon 2013


"THE FRONT PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'
SEZ AALL YOO NEED TO NAA!"

Last neet in a packed 'Newcastle Labour Club' (which, for those of yoo who divvint naa, lies within eezy 'hocklin distance' of St James' Park!), a meetin' of 'Newcastle Fans United' took place and a vote no confidence waz not suprizingleee given to wor 'beloved' owner aftaa the farcical events of the last few days! www.nufcfansutd.com

He haz been asked to sell the club before it's tooo late, but we at 'The Geordie Times' feel that this certain to faall on 'deaf ears' once again!

We've hord that hundreds of fans have swamped the ticket office in the last week tryin' to cancel their season tickets for the forthcomin' season followin' 'the said' farcical events.

But they have aalso been told that they are 'tooo late' to de so and that they can't de anythin' til the next season ticket renewals come oot next February! (ie that they will have to pay for the season tickets they have signed direct debits for, wethaa they like it or not!)
 
Aall in the mad-sad life of an NUFC fan!

LATEST PRE SEASON FIXTURES UPDATE!

Posted '2:35pm bells' Monday 24th Joon 2013

ESTADIO DO RIO AVE

At last!---NUFC have finally annoonced their Portugese pre season plans!

The games against Vitoria Setubal, Arouca and Estoril have been 'binned' and we now play two unknown teams caalled Rio Ave on Sat 20th July and Pacos de Ferreira on Tue 23rd July.

However!--and closer to home, there is ne mention of a game against Rangers @ Ibrox Park which had been mooted?

More info to follow when we find oot!

For the complete pre season fixture list, scroll doon the page!

NUFC LATEST PRE SEASON FIXTURE NEWS

Posted 10:00am bells' Sunday 23rd Joon 2013


FC AROUCA'S MAIN STAND!
("BUT WILL WE BE SITTIN' IN IT!?")


After the 'madhoose' events of last week, it's time to 'move on' and look at wor pre season futbaall fixtures once again!
Anothaa game haz been mentioned in Portugal against a team we've nevaa hord of caalled FC Arouca who play near Porto, where NUFC are reputed to be havin' a trainin' camp?

The game iz said to be played a month today on Tuesday 23rd July, but NE confirmation (az per usual at wor chaotic club!) haz been annoonced and so we are left 'in limbo' once again, like last pre season, when some European friendly games were anly conformed a week before they were played!<(late flight bookins of course meen much higher prices!)

To forthaa complicate things, Arouca's groond (which holds a 'mind bogglin 2,500 spectators!) iz bein' re-built and there are doubts az to wethaa the game can take place there anyway, because of this!---meenin' that it COULD be played BCD! (Behind Closed Doors!) or somewhere else!???

Aall in the chaotic life of the 'mad-sad groundhoppers, who have very deep pockets <(with ne money in them!) and take such things in their stride'!

We still divvint naa if or when the game against Rangers @ Ibrox will take place eetha?---but JULY haz been mentioned to 'narrow it doon a bit'!

The latest fixture and rumours are below!
   

"THAT WAZ THE WEEK THAT WAZ!"**** "THE LUNATICS HAVE TAKEN OWER THE ASYLUM!"

Posted '3:40pm bells' Saturday 22nd Joon 2013

"SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS
OF ST JAMES' PARK!"

 

"WELCOME TO THE MADHOOSE!"

Sunday: 'JoeK in Your Ear' iz appointed 'Director of Fools' (er sorry!) 'Footbaall' @ St James' Park by 'The Fat Controller'!
He then 'infamouslee' caalls Yohan Cabaye, Yohan KEBAB! amongst many othaa gaffs on live radio, like sayin' that he iz more intelligent than the fans!??? 

Monday: 'Joek' tells us that HE signed goalie Tim Krul, when in fact he waz signed in the Glenn Roeder era in 2006---THREE YEARS before 'Joek' ever set foot in St James' Park! (some intelligence!)

Tuesday: "The backlash starts az irate and dissalooshed fans inundate the 'Ronny Gill' with negative reaction to the appointment! (TEN pages of the 'local rag' are devoted to the story!)

Wednesday: MD 'Llambs to the Slaughter' resigns suddenly, to add to the chaos!

Thorsday: Sir John Haall gets involved and admits for the forst time that it waz a big (big!) mistake to sell the club to 'The Fat controller'!

Friday: The bar named 'Shearer's' underneath The Gallowgate End iz no more az the sign is ripped off with crowbars! (the 2nd time crowbars have been used to deface wor groond after the 'St. James' Park' signs were vandalised last year!)

Saturday: God naaz wot will happen today!---there's still more than eight hours left of the day!---so divvint haad yi breath! 

"OH NO!"****"NOW IT'S 'SHEARER'S BAR' FOR 'THE CHOP'!"

Updated '6:45pm bells' Friday 21st Joon 2013

Not! content with antaganizin' the Toon fans enough with the 'events' of the last week, crowbars have again been in action @ St James' Park az the 'SHEARER'S' sign haz been ripped off the bar named in hiz honour, underneath 'The Gallowgate End'!

'Big Al' iz said to be completleee 'stunned', 'dismayed' and 'betrayed' by it aall, and he said later:
"There was no consultation. I was simply informed be email of their decision to change the name!"
"It was not a question of me agreeing or disagreeing!"
"It's their ground and it's up to the owners what they want to do with it!" 
"It won't stop me buying my season ticket and supporting the team!"
(this iz wot happens when yoo 'dare' to critisise the club!)
 
Very soon (we are told!) a new name will appear above the bar!<('The Fat Controller Tavern', perhaps?)

We hord rumours two seasons ago that this waz gannin to happen at some time---and now the 'dasterdly deed' haz finally been done!

Why do the club feel the need to distance the fans from them once again, we ask worsels, az things just gan from 'sit-com' to 'pantomime'???

'Big Al' haz commented aboot the 'JoeK In Your Ear's appointment in today's 'Ronny Gill' and the shambolic way in which the club iz now run, caallin' us a 'LAUGHING STOCK'!<(he iz SO right!)

Wot the hell will 'The Fat Controller' de next???---we ask worsels???

It's HIZ 'train-set' and divvint we naaa it!!!!

"IT'S MY! TRAIN-SET!"
"AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!"