THE TOON v THE FASCIST DWARF'S SMBs ***'HIGH NOON BELLS' TOOODAY!

Posted '8:15am bells' Sunday 14th April 2013

In exactleee 3 and 3qwaataa hours time from now, wor biggest Leegue game of the season kicks off, when we play 'The Fascist Dwarf's X1' @ St James' Park in the now usual 'high noon bells shootout'!

Just why the local 'dibble' make us kick off at this ridiculous time iz open to debate----aa meeen!, some bars in 'The Toon' are openin' legally @ 'NINE BELLS' this mornin', so the idea of stoppin' people drinkin' by havin' an orly start IZ a 'non starter' anyway!  

'The Geordie Times' can excluuusivleee reveal that Steve Taylor will defiantleee! be in the startin' line up, az told to us by wor 'secret club sauce'!
Mathiau Debuchy, Yohan Gouffran and Cheik Tiote are expected to play az well and we understand that Hatem Ben Arfa will be on the subs bench!

A win would take us EIGHT points clear of thoze who survive on benefits 12 miles south of the Tyne and Premyaa Leegue safty would surely be secured if this happens!

The 'dibble' have warned that facsist salutes by anyone will result in instant arrest, which will surely put that idea in to the heeds of anyone who hadn't thought of that!<(Aa wonder if this includes a certain Italian fascist dwarf, who will be rantin' and ravin' in the 'Away' dugoot!???)

A full match report will follow much later az per usual!

THE TOON 1 THE TEAM FROM THE 'PROPAA' STADIUM OF LIGHT 1 (BENFICA WIN 4-2 on AGGREGATE)

Posted '4:10pm bells' Friday 12th April 2013

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END
(1st half) (View from row 'Y' Middle Tier)

TWO! disallowed goals from Demba Cisse in this game plus his TWO! shots that hit the post last week in Lisbon, (but rebounded oot!), ultimately cost us this tie and we are heartbreakingleee oot of Europe for another year and a qwaata at least!<(due to the fact that wor current Premyaa Leegue position means we have 'ne chance' of qualifyin' for Europe next season!)

'The Geordie Times'z' 113th competitive European game 'in a row'<(and the last, for a while!) started off with the visitors the brighter of the two teams and they nearly scored orly on when Lima went close with Toon goalie Tim Krul stranded. Then Haidara saved the day for us with a clearance from a Gaitan effort, az Benfica went for the 'jugular'!

We simply couldn't get started and several passes went astray in the forst period az the clock ticked doon. Cisse waz then denied a goal just before the break @ 'The Leazes End' az the linesman flagged him for offside!

The second half waz much better from wor point of view and we went 'hell for leather' to reduce the 3-1 deficit from the forst leg az the crowd got behind the team.
Again, Demba Cisse foond the back of the net @ 'The Gallowgate End', but he waz denied once again by 'the liner'!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END
(2nd half)

Cisse DID eventually get onto the scoresheet when he tapped in a simple effort with 20 minutes to gan to send 50,000 Geordies wild with delight, az the linesmans flag stayed doon!

A 2-0 scoreline would give us the tie under the 'away goals rule' but we couldn't get the second goal. Ben Arfa who had came on az sub nearly 'did it', but his fine shot dipped ower the bar az the minutes ran doon!
And then at 'the death' Benfica's Salvio fired in unmarked to put the tie beyond us az the 1,500 'Propaa' Stadium of Light Brigaders' celebrated in 'level 7' above us!

A fair result against a great team, but wor thoughts torned to the two chalked off goals, which could have put us through to the 'semis' and a trip 'TO HELL' against Torkish side Fenebache!

That's 20,000 miles we have travelled this season in Europe, from Greece to Madiera to France to Belgium to Ukraine to Rushaa and finally to Portugal!< (and groond number 300 off the 'mad-sad' groundhoppers' list!)
The Euro trophy dream iz ower---for anothaa TWO YEARS at least!<(and aa didn't need to gan to Durham Passport Office to 'fast track' a new passport eethaa!) (see below!) 

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Haidara (Marveaux 67), Yanga, Williamson, Cabaye, Bigiramana (Shola Ameobi 46), Anita (Ben Arfa 63), Cisse, Sissoko, Gutierrez

Attendance: 52,157 (1,500 Benficans!) 

THE TOON v THE TEAM FROM THE 'PROPAA' STADIUM OF LIGHT! ***TOOONEET!

Updated '12:50pm bells' Thorsday 10th April 2013

Yet again we must switch wor attention between the domestic scene, to the European scene, when we welcome the great Benfica of Lisbon to St James' Park toneet for the 2nd leg of wor Europaa Leegue qwaata final tie!
(The game kicks off @ '8:05 bells' and iz live on ITV4)

Followin' wor dramatic win against 'The Wacko Jackos' of Fulham on Sunday (see below!) we are on 'a high' once again in the run up to this game!

It won't be easy az we of course lost the forst leg
3-1 @ 'The 'Propaa' Stadium of Light' last week<('Estadio Da Luz' in their lingo!) but dafter things have happened in the past! <(like on Sunday gone!) and we will be 'up for it' in wot will be a selloot 52,000 plus crowd!<(divvint naa how many Benfica have sold?)

Several of wor players like Demba Cisse and Steve Taylor and former players like Bob Moncur and 'Fat Boy' Quinn'<(az opposed to 'Fat Boy Slim'!) have been writin' in the local 'rag' that the tie iz far from ower az far az they're concorned!<(Lets hope they're reet!)

THE BACK PAGE OF WEDNESDAY'S 'RONNY-GILL'!

A white hot atmosphere awaits them and if we de get through to the semi-finals, aa'll have to rush to the passport office in Durham on Friday to renew mee passport, which runs oot soon!<(A'v aalready 'pre-booked' an appointment with them for 'high noon bells', to 'fast track' mee application, just in case we DE get through!)<(fingers and toes crossed!)

Update Friday mornin' 11th April
Unfortunatly, av been caalled into work unexpectedleee and have got to gan to Glasgow and will not be able to put the Benfica report online til late on Friday afternoon!    

GEORDIE TIMES 'EXCLUUUSIVE' PHOTOS FROM WOR GAME AGAINST 'THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS' OF FULHAM!

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 8th April 2013



CISSE (extreme right of pic) SCORES THE WINNIN' GOAL!

 

CISSE JUMPS INTO THE CROWD TO CELEBRATE!

 



WOR MANAGER AALSO JUMPS INTO THE CROWD,
CLAIMIN' LATER THAT SOMEBODY HAD
'HALF-INCHED' HIZ KEYS!
(Note the blonde lass in red, gannin' for
hiz back pocket!)<"STOP THIEF"!

 

ANOTHER VIEW OF CISSE'S WINNER!
(on deck in centre of pic!)

MATCH REPORT BELOW!

 



THE TOON 1 THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS 0

Posted '7:15am bells' Monday 8th April 2013

"FROM AGONY TO ECSTASY!"

"THE TOON ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
DURIN' THE 2nd HALF!" (View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

A dour forst half and news that the SMBs were winnin @ Chelski and that QPR had had a player sent off against Wigan, filtered through to the 'faithful', az we contemplated the fact that, shud we lose, we could be one point behind the SMBs, come the crucial derby game @ St James' next Sunday @ 'high noon bells' and equal with Wigan shud they win!

Really, we didn't get oot of the blocks in the forst period and a nil-nil scoreline looked on the cards az we couldn't break doon the away sides defence and looked unlikely to do so!

The 2nd half waz much better az we attacked 'The Gallowgate End'. Vurnon Anita had a shot which deflected onto the crossbar in the 53rd minute but the baall went ower the bar, rathaa than into the net!
Then, at the mid point of the half we hit the post TWICE in the space of a few seconds when Cabaye's heeder struck the upright and reboonded oot to Cisse, who's shot aalso struck the same post but, cruelly reboonded oot again! (the FIFTH time we had hit the goal frame and not scored in the last two games, includin' the two which hit the post against Benfica last Thorsday in Lisbon!) 

Just when it looked az though we would have to settle for a point and contemplate bein' equal thord bottom, up stepped Demba Cisse in the thord minute of injury time to poke the baall home @ 'The Gallowgate End' and win the game for 'The Toon'!---(The thord home game in a row that Cisse had won it for us in stoppage time!)<(the othaa two were against Stoke and Anzi!)

When he scored I swear the roof lifted off the groond az a deafenin' noise of relief and justice enveloped the stands!
Wor manager then jumped into the crowd in unbridled joy (and lost hiz keys in the process!), while Cisse waz booked for AALSO dein' the same thing!---such waz the emotion of the moment!

News then filtered through that the SMBs had lost 2-1 and that Wigan had anly drawn against the ten men of QPR which meens that we are now FIVE points above 'the abyss' instead of bein' 'in it'!

Surelee there iz ne othaa game like futbaall, to change your feelings of 'agony' one minute to 'ecstasy' the next!?

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Campbell 80), Santon (Anita 17), Steven Taylor, Yanga, Gutierrez, Cabaye, Marveaux, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi 69), Sissoko.

Attendance: a magnificent 51,847 includin' 502 'Wacko Jackos' from Fulham

Fixture and results section just updated---see top tool bar and 'click' <(23 days late!)

THE TOON v THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '9:05am bells' Sunday 7th April 2013


"WOR 'VIEW'? FROM CRAVEN COTTAGE IN
WOR GAME THERE, ORLIER THIS SEASON!"
(We lost 2-1!)

We must torn wor attention away, once again, from wor exploits in Europe to the domestic scene, when we take on 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' of Fulham @ St James' this afternoon @ '3 bells' in a non televised game<(unless yi watch it on one of the 'dodgy' channels!---like!)

Yet again it's a MUST WIN game az we are just 3 points above 'the abyss' az aa write this az again some results went against us yesterday!

Yohan Gouffran retorns to the squad aftaa missin' oot in Lisbon and Cheik Tiote iz aalso expected to retorn, while Danny Simpson iz 50/50 to play!
However!---current injuries to Ben Arfa, Debuchy, Haidara, Ryan Taylor and Vuckic meen that we will have fewaa to pick from once again!

Match report (az per usual) to follow later
Tomorrow mornin' sometime?

THE PROPAA STADIUM of LIGHT BRIGADE v THE TOON ***TOMORROW NEET @ '8:05 BELLS'!

Updated '5:05am bells' Wednesday 3rd April 2013


THE STADIUM OF LIGHT!<^(THE 'PROPAA' ONE!)


The build up to wor massive game against Benfica @ 'The Propaa Stadium of Light' in Lisbon<('Estadio Da Luz' in their lingo!) starts 'now'! az we prepare to travel to the Portugese capital this mornin' and a total of 3,800 tickets have been sold to Toon fans az we speak!

19 Toon players will travel to Lisbon and they are:
Krul, Elliot, Santon, Simpson, Perch, Yanga, Steve Taylor, Williamson, Anita, Sissoko, Cabaye, Gosling, Marveaux, Obertan, Gutierrez, Bigirimana, Shola Ameobi, Cisse and Campbell

Benfica are unbeaten in 24 Portugese Leegue fixtures and have scored ower 100 goals this season and won 6-1 against Rio Ave on Saturday az we were gettin' 'twanked' 4-0 in Mancland!
Oot of the eight teams left in the competition we are SIXTH favorites to win it, with the latest odds az follows:

The Chelski Pensioners 9/4
Sporz 11/4
The Propaa Stadium of Light Brigade 4/1
Di Canio's Lazio Fascists 13/2
Fenerbache 12/1
THE TOON 14/1
Ruban Kazan 16/1
The Basel Fawltys 33/1

In othaa words, they divvint give us much chance of winnin' it, but dafter things have happened in the past, like winnin' The Fairs Cup in 1969 against aall the odds aftaa finish TENTH in the 'then' Forst Division to qualify!

Of course! this will be 'The Geordie Times'z 300th groond watchin' the Toon<(if  'The mad-sad groundhopper' makes it!) and aa carnt think of a more fittin' place to 'de the triple ton', than the 'Real' Stadium of Light', in Lisbon! 

Az per usual wor faithful computaa will gan into hibernation (yet agen!) for a couple of days in a few minutes and will 're-awake' sometime on Friday to bring 'YOO'---wor loyal reeeders a compreeehensive match and trip report ! "ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz!!!!!"

THE P*SS POTTS U21 RESORVES 1 THE TOON U21 RESORVES 2 ***WE DID IT!

Posted '9:45pm bells' April Fools Day 2013

Ground number 299
Date of First Visit: April Fools Day 2013
Clayton Wood Training Ground, Stoke-on Trent 

Stoke City U21 Reserves 1
Newcastle United U21 Reserves 2 (Richardson, Mayo)

Barclays U21 Premier League (group 2)
Attendance: 5 inside the groond! (includin' 3 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!) 22 ootside the groond (plus 3 doggies!)

"WE'VE GOT MORE FANS THAN YOO!"

"SPOT THE TREES!"***
THE TOON ATTACK 'THE 100 TREES END'!

We set off @ '8 bells' from 'The Central' in mee 'canny tranny' for this behind closed doors resorve game @ Stoke's trainin' groond in the hope of gettin' in by means we cannit disclose!<(or we'll blow wor cover!)

The three 'saddos' bein' 'The Bear from Whitley Bay', 'Glennn from Ashington' and meesel, who waz drivin'!

On arrival in Stoke @11:30 bells' and with more than two hours to kick off, we decided to heed for the nearest place we could get a drink, which waz!---McDONALDS! a few hundred yards up the main road from the trainin' groond, where three large 'coffees' were consumed by us! <(we're gettin' 'soft' in wor old age!)

We then norvouslee heeded for the trainin' groond @ '1:00 bells', an hour before the kick off and were telt by two stewards that Stoke's forst team were trainin' and therefore they WOULDN'T let us in until wor IDs had been thoroughly checked!  
And just like 'April Fools' we were then telt to park wor 'canny tranny' and wait in the car park to see if they would let us in!

An anxious forty minutes then followed before we plucked up the courage to gan to the gate and try and get in by huff or bluff!

The stewards were very friendly and one even offered us some 'Mentoes mints', which we took, and aa promptly spilt half of them on the tarmac az aa try to prize them from the packet!

After a bit 'chin wag' and a 'grovellin' apology' from 'yours truelee' for spillin' hiz 'Mentoes', the gadgie on the othaa end of the stewards 'walkie talkie' telt them to "LET US IN!", and we didn't need much persuasion to gan through the gate az they opened it for us!

We'd DONE IT!<(by fair means or foul!) and promptly took up wor places on the far side of the away dugoots and aa shook hands with Peter Beardsley az he waalked past!

It waz freeezin' cold and it had snowed a little bit orlier on, but the sky waz clear az the match kicked off!

Lookin' aroond--and apart from players and kit men in tracksuits, we could see anly two more 'fans' apart from us actually inside the groond, who were wearin' Stoke colours!

Anothaa 22, plus 3 doggies, were ootside the perimiter fence and therefore not technically a part of the 'crowd'<(The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers 'rule 27b' clearly states that yoo must be INSIDE the groond to include it in your groundhoppin' records!)
(This meant that WE actually had MORE fans INSIDE the groond than THEM!) three of 'US'
to the two of 'THEM'!)

A huge number of taall trees to the right of where we were standin', lined the grass bank behind that  goal and stretched az far az 'the eye could see' and to the left, buildin' work waz in progress behind the othaa goal 

'The Toon' started off the more brightly az we kicked towards!---wait for it!---'The 100 Trees End' and Amalfitano hit the woodwork within 5 minutes!
We then took the lead just fower minutes later when Alex Gilliead foond Micheal Richardson in the box and he struck a fine shot past Bachmann in 'The P*ss Potts' goal!

That's the way it stayed til half time and the steward who had gave us the 'Mentoe mints', came doon with a tray of hot coffees, which he gave to us on the touchline!--A very nice gesture, which we aall greatly appreciated in the inclemite conditions!<(thanx mate!)

We were by far the better team and doubled wor lead @ ---'The Buildin' Site End' when Yven Mayo<(spelt 'MOMO' on the teamsheet!) waz put through and hiz deflected shot from 12 yards oot went straight past their keeper and into the Stoke net!

2nd HALF ACTION***THE STOKE GOALIE TIPS
OWER A FINE EFFORT FROM MICHEAL RICHARDSON!"

The home side pulled one back with just fower minutes to gan when Jaden Hall stabbed the baall in from close range.
An anxious last few minutes then ensued with 'The P*ss Potts' gannin close just before 'the death', but we held on to take the 3 points and gan yem happy, arrivin' back @ 'The Central' @ '7:30 bells'!  

       
"Just ONE more groond to gan to reach 'the holy grail'!"

THE PULIS P*SS POTTS RESORVES v THE TOON RESORVES ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '7:15am bells' April Fools Day 2013

STOKE'S TRAININ' GROOND
"BUT WILL WE GET IN?"

This afternoon @ Stoke's trainin' groond, wor U21 resorves take on theirs, in a BEHIND CLOSED DOORS Premyaa Leegue resorve game!

Aftaa wot happened to us @ Motspur Park, London, when we failed to gain admittance to a BCD game between Fulham resorves and the Toon resorves, aa said aa wouldn't try it again, az we were forced to watch the game through a fence and some trees ootside the groond! (see ground number 285 NOT!)  in 'The Archive Section' in the tool-bar @ the top of the page!)

However!---because this could be mee 299th groond watchin' the Toon, it would mean that wor game at the 'propaa' Stadium of Light in Lisbon this Thorsday against Benfica would bee mee 300th, if aa 'did' todays game!<(and wot a place to 'de it'!)

And so THREE of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' are gannin' doon in less than an hours time @ '8 bells' to 'attempt' to get in!---but will we succeed, when we failed last time?
Well!--we have 'continjunsee plans'<(Geordie Times spellin'!) in place and hopefully we will be successful this time!?

The game kicks off @ '2 bells' and we shud be back by late tooneet, which of course iz 'April Fools Day'! and if we divvint get in, then we will be 'the fools of the day'!

WATCH THIS SPACE TOONEET TO FIND OOT WOT HAPPENED!

WELCOME TO THE MANC 'NON PUB CRAWL'!***NAMED AND SHAMED!

Posted '12:35pm bells' Easter Sunday 31st March 2013

THE VICTORIA***NAMED AND SHAMED!***
NOT OPEN @ '11:05 BELLS'
"BOO!"

Before the match against 'The Blue Moonies' yesterday we 'attempted' to find a boozers that waz open beside the groond.
It waz 'five past eleven bells' when we made wor forst 'port o caall' @ 'The Victoria' which iz a ten minute waalk from the groond---but it waz SHUT!

The next 'attempt' waz a boozer we had been te before that waz on the main road to the groond---BUT!---it waz BOARDED UP!

It waz then onward past the groond heedin' towards the city centre where anothaa boozer WASN'T OPEN, namelee 'The Mitchell Arms '!

THE MITCHELL ARMS***NAMED AND SHAMED!***
NOT OPEN @ '11:20 BELLS'!
"BOO!"

Aftaa passin' TWO more boarded up boozers we made for the bars aroond the train station!
A bar caalled 'Monroes WAZ open---BUT!--the booncer on the door demanded that we show him wor MAN CITY season tickets or else we couldn't gan in!--Believe it or not?-- we DIDN'T HAVE ANY 'Blue Moonies' season tickets between us and he wouldn't let us in!


MONROES***NAMED AND SHAMED!***
'BLUE MOONIES' ANLY!
"BOO!"


WE EVENTUALLY got wor forst 'liquid refreshments' @ ONE MINUTE PAST 'HIGH NOON BELLS' in @ The Black Bull, but not before the booncer asked us where we were from!


THE BULLS HEED***SANCTUARY!***
BUT ANLY IF YI FROM NORTHAMPTON!
"HORRAY!"


One of wor party, namlee, 'Adam' (who waz asked the deadly question!) answered that he waz from Northampton and the booncer let us in! (he waz actually born there---so he waz tellin' the truth---even though he haz lived in the Toon most of his life!)<(so he wasn't lyin'!)

THE LASS OF GOWRIE***OPEN AALL HOURS!
NE BOONCERS!***
"HIP HIP HORRAY!"

It waz then onward to 'The Lass of Gowrie' and 'The Retro Bar' before hailin' a taxi to take us to the groond!<(ne booncers at theeze bars thankfully!)

RETRO BAR***OPEN AALL HOURS!
NE BOONCERS***CHEAPEST PINT SO FAR!
"HIP HIP HIP HORRAY!" 

A city the size of Manchester and NE boozers open @ '11 bells' anywhere between The City of Mancs Stadium and the city centre!---(a good half hours waalk away!) UNBELEEEVIBLE!