"I BEG YOUR PARDEW?"

Posted '9:30am bells' Tuesday 8th January 2013

"SOMEWHERE ON THE 'A47'
HEEDIN' TOWARDS NORWICH!"

The latest utterances of wor beleagered manager make worryin' reeedin'!---accordin' to him the young players he hoyed in at the deep end in wor woeful performance @ Brighton last Saturday did well enough to be considered for a place in the team @ Norwich this comin' Saturday!???

"I can't fault them for effort!", he reportedly said? and claimed he was pleased with the workrate of his young players? <(must have been watchin' a different game to us!--like!???)

This iz very disturbin' news indeed!, az 'not one of them' are anywhere near Premya Leegue standard and we will be on anotha 'hidin' to nothin' if nowt iz done soon to add to the Debuchy signin' and fortha strengthen wor squad, before 'the window' closes once again at the end of the month!

Honest!---we've got nowt against James Tavernier, 'The Lone Ranger', Sammy 'Ami' or 'Dummy' Dummett, but the reality IZ!----they're simply not 'up to it', Alan---mate!

SO!-tell 'The Fat Controller' to 'get hiz hand in hiz pocket' before it's tooo F*****' late! ("AGAIN!!!")

NE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTON 2 THE TOON 0

Posted '12:35pm bells' Sunday 6th January 2013

THE TOON (IN MAROON!) MAKE A RARE ATTACK
IN THE 2nd HALF!  (VIEW FROM ROW 'A'!)

A case of 'deva ju' doon on the sooth coast for the second year runnin' in the FA Cup az we lost in a shockin' performance once again @ The Amex Stadium in Falmer!

We cannit think of ONE plus point to say aboot wor performance, but at least we cannit face Man U, The Arse or Chelski away in the next roond now! (thank god!)

Wor day started off at the ungodly hour of 'three bells' when we had to drag worsels oot of wor 'sctatchers' to catch the '4:45' to King's Cross and then anotha train to Brighton @ '9 bells' from St Pancras, arrivin' in the southern seaside resort @ 10:30ish
A few quick 'liquid refreshments in Wetherspoons and a bar near the train station caalled 'The Railway Bell' were consumed before catchin' the 11:50 to Falmer.

THE RAILWAY BELL

The queue for the train waz massive and some Toon fans panicked and hailed taxis instead to get them there for the '12:30 bells' kick off.

However the queue soon moved and before we knew it we were at the groond with plenty of time to spare!

The Toon team line up conformed wor worst fears az it waz more or less a resorve side due to Ba leavin' and wor lang injury list!
And so it proved, az we were dire in the forst half hour with Brighton makin' most of the play.

They not suprizinglee took the lead in the 33rd minute when Orlandi vollied a left foot shot past resorve keeper Elliot to put them in control.
We could hardly put two passes together and aa can anly think of three shots we had in the forst period, from Shola, Anita and Bigiramana, non of them any trouble to the home keeper!

The second half waz even worse and we seemed to be encamped at the far end of the pitch in the direction that the home side were attackin'!

Shola waz then sent off for a debatable second bookable offence just after the hour mark to make it even harder for us!
We then came to life a bit, when sub Marveaux's shot waz deflected but blocked by their keeper.
Wor misery waz finally compounded when Hoskins strode through wor defence to put the final nail in wor coffin!

We then faced the 'lang trek' back yem via Falmer, Brighton, St Pancras, King's Cross and we finally crossed the King Edward Bridge ower the Tyne at just before midneet to complete yet anotha miserable day! (apart from the drink that iz!)

Toon (resorve!) team: Elliot, Tavernier, Perch (Dummett 46), Williamson, Santon, Anita, Abeid (Ranger 46), Bigiramana, Obertan (Marveaux 70), Shola Ameobi, Sammy Ameobi

Attendance: 21,740 (officially 1,978 p*ssed off Toon fans!)    

DID YOO SPOT WOR DILIBIRIT MISTEAKZ?"

Posted '8:20pm bells' Friday 4th January 2013

"AWARD YORSELZ ONE OF THEEZE, YOO CLEVER SH***S!"

Did yi spot that 'The Geordie Times' had said that wor game waz live on SKY tomorrow when in fact it iz live on ITV!

Did yoo aallso spot that we (on purpose!) gave the wrang kick off time az well???---'12:45pm bells' instead of '12:30pm bells'!

If yoo did then award yorsels a 'gold' 'Blue Peter' badge!
WELL DONE for spottin' wor 'dalibarutt missstaycks' wonce agenn!

NE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTON v THE TOON ***TOMORROW

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 4th January 2013

ACTION FROM WOR FA CUP TIE
@ 'THE AMEX' FROM LAST SEASON
(THE TOON ARE IN BLACK)

Orly tommorrow mornin' we face the lang trek to a place caalled Falmer for wor FA Cup thord roond tie, which iz 'ne where near' 'yee naa where' for an absolutlee ridiculous dinna kick off time of *'12:45 bells' for live telly!

It makes yoo wonder if there's someone @ SKY who hates wor guts az we will have to drag worsels oot of wor 'scratchers' @ the ungodly hour of '3:00am bells' for wor lift to 'The Central' to catch the 4:45 to King's Cross and then onward to the sooth coast via St Pancras! (we'll be well stocked up with '12 pack slabs' for the five hour plus jorney!)
(*Even 'the watch it on the telly' 'pub plonkies brigade' arnt happy with the orly kick off time!)

A match report from wor FA Cup tie there last season can be foond in the 'Archive groond section' @ the top of the page or in the 'reet hand side-bar'

It remains to be seen just wot team wor manager will send oot, considerin' the injuries we have at the moment and wor perilous leegue position, but wor imminent new £5.5mill signin' Mathieu Dabuchy<(hope av spelt this reet?) will NOT be playin', we hear!

Match and jorney report to follow az usual when we eventually get back!

DEBUCHY DEAL DONE AND DUSTED!

Posted 'one minute past high noon bells' Friday 4th January 2013

MATHIEU DEBUCHY IN ACTION
FOR FRANCE v ENGLAND LAST SUMMER

News haz reached 'The Geordie Times' by wor faithful carrier pigeon that French international full back Mathieu Debuchy haz signed a five year deal for a reported £5.5 mill!
He played 233 times in10 years at Lille and helped them de the French Ligue and cup double in 2010-2011

THE TOON 1 THE TOFFEE NOSES 2

Posted '10:35am bells' Thorsday 3rd January 2013

"IF ANLY A GAME COULD LAST JUST TWO MINUTES!"

"THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END!"

If this waz a boxin' match then we would surely have won it on points, but of course it wasn't and yet anotha defeat at the tail end of the festive period (12th neet isn't til January 6th!) makes it a very sorry situation indeeed!

Just TWO wins oot of the last ELEVEN (NINE defeats!), tells yoo that we are in serious trouble at the wrang end of the table!
The referee didn't help wor cause eetha, by denyin' us a stonewaall penalty in the forst half when Shola waz brought doon in the box---and then he awarded the visitors a soft free kick @ The Leazes End, from which Baines scored a 30 yard screamer!

It started off so well with Demba Cisse puttin' us aheed in the forst minute @ The Gallowgate End, when the baall boonced ower the Scousers defence after an upfield 'punt' by Toon goalie Tim Krul and it fell nicely for hiz bonce and he heeded it straight into the net ower the dispairin' Tim Howard in the visitors goal!

James Perch then hit the post with a heeder, but with wor luck at the moment, it boonced back into play! 
Baines free kick then levelled things and we went in 1-1 at the break.

"GRAINY ACTION @ THE LEAZES END IN THE 2nd HALF
("Couldn't keep the camera still az I thought
we were aboot to score and waz shakin' like a leaf!")

We had chances to win it in the 2nd half through Shola Ameobi and Santon, who missed glorious chances to sew the game up, but it waz 'The Toffee Noses' who clinched it with another goal conceded through defensive errors in the 60th minute, when substitute Anichebe poked the baall in @ The Gallowgate End.
(Predicted? new signin' and full back Mathieu Debuchy watched on from the Milburn Stand---he must have cringed!)

On 'Match of the Day' later, 'stat man' 'Gary the Crisp', telt us that 'The Toon' were the forst team ever to score three goals away from home in two consecutive Premya Leegue games and not win! (against 'The Arse' last Sat and Man U on Boxin' Day) (some consolation!---"EH!")

That's NE points oot of NINE ower the festive period and THORTEEN goals conceded in three games! (although we HAVE scored SEVEN times in vain!) That's TWENTY goals in total!---sureleee anotha record, 'Gary'?

Toon team: Krul, Perch (Ranger 87), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Tiote (Sammy Ameobi 79), Anita, Cisse, Marveaux, Obertan (Bigimarana 65), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: 49,391 (2,000 Toffee Noses)  

DEMBA BA RELEASE CLAUSE ACTIVATED! ***STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!

Posted '2:40pm bells' Wednesday 2nd January 2013

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that the release clause in Demba Ba's contract haz been activated az expected by Chelski and that he therefore will NOT be playin' for us toneet against 'The Toffee Noses'.

Wor manager haz said that we can cope withoot him, but just HOW to you cope withoot a player who haz scored half wor goals this season???

GEORDIE TIMES 'MET OFFICE' WETHAA REPORT ***UPDATE!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 2nd January 2013

VIEW FROM THE RIVER TYNE WEB CAM
A FEW MINUTES AGO!

Since wor last update (below) the wethaa haz improved on Tyneside and the 'Freda Paine' haz stopped for the moment, but iz expected to retorn later!
It iz aallso a lot waama than it waz a few hours ago az we look forward? to the big match toneet @ St James' Park against 'The Toffee Noses' of Morseyside.

THE TOON v THE TOFFEE NOSES***TOONEET!

Updated '11:20am bells' Wednesday 2nd January 2013


"A VIEW OF ST JAMES' PARK FROM
THE HAYMARKET BUS STATION"

Results elsewhere yesterday havvent exactlee gone wor way and we now find worsels just TWO points above the 'abyss' in wot haz been a terrible season so far.
2013, we hope, will be 'lucky' for us, but 'The Toffee Noses' of Morseyside will ne doubt have sommik to say aboot that toneet @ '8 bells'!
We havvent got a clue wetha Demba Ba will be playin' or if he will have 'flown the nest' by kick off time? (we certainly need him!)

Last season we beat wor visitors 2-1 on 'Bonfire neet'--which (for the benefit of wor owerseas reeders!) iz the anniversary of  Guy Falkes who waz famously bornt alive at the stake for tryin' to blow the Hooses of Parliament' up in 1605!<("Yes!---we naa wor history!") 
Ryan Taylor scored wor winnin' goal that day and there's ne doubt that there's plenty at 'stake' toneet az well! (ne doubt there'll be loads of 'fireworks' az well!)<(aa naa!--it gets worse doesn't it!?) ("sic!")

It's freezin' caad ootside today and the 'Freda Paine' iz chuckin' it doon az I write this and a soggy St James' Park will greet the fans and players alike @ kick off time!
The game iz live on SKY for aall yeez fair wetha 'Pub Plonkies' and  'can in the hand' 'Couch Spudatoes'!

Match report to follow tomorrow in yet anothaa 'must win game'!   

"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO AALL WOR REEEDERS!"

Posted '11:40am bells' New Years Day 2013

      "HAPPY  NEW  YEAR!"

FIREWORKS DISPLAY FROM NEWCASIL QUAYSIDE
LOOKIN' TOWARDS GATESHEED!

The new year iz upon us, the torkey haz been eaten and 'The Toon' have been beaten!

We can anly hope that 2013 iz a better year than the 'back half' of the last, az wor record iz shockin' to say the least!
NE wins in FIFTEEN away from home in Leegue, Cup and Europe and we have aalso conceded more away goals than ANY otha Premya Leegue side includin' 'The Hazbeens and Villians' of Bormingham!
Frightingly, we sit just THREE points above the 'abyss' and wor star centre forward and top goal scorer iz dein' hiz best to 'jump ship'!

Some good news though!--the much needed iminent signin' of French full back Mathieu Debuchy iz expected in the next couple of days and we hear that he will be in the stands for wor crucial game against 'The Toffee Noses' of Morseyside tomorrow neet!

20'13' might be an unlucky number for some---lets hope (and pray!) that it ISN'T for us and that we can get a good result!?