THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS 0. THE TOON 0 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2025-2026

 Posted ‘high noon 🛎️ bells’ Sunday 17th August 2025

TOON IN THE GREEN STRIP. VIEW FROM ROW GG UPPER TIER

“PREMYAA LEEGUE CORRUPT AZ FCUK!”

The main talkin point of the game wazzint who woz playin, but who wazzint! (3 guesses?)

Withoot an out and out striker we couldn’t break Villa’s resolve, even when they went doon to 10 men in the 2nd half when Anthony Gordon woz hauled doon by Konza in the 60th minute, (who got an instant red card!) we still couldn’t find the back of the net!?

Elanga had a great chance in the forst half when he woz put clean through, but hiz shot woz deflected by the Villa keeper to keep the game scoreless in the 3rd minute!

He caused them aall sorts of problems in the forst half, but withoot a certain number 14 to lead the line, we couldn’t make the breakthrough against a poor Villa side!

In the 2nd half chants of “Premyaa Leegue corrupt az fcuk!” and “Fcuk PSR!” were sung by BOTH sets of fans, who are frustrated that we both arnt allowed to compete with the Cartel 6 even though we both have very rich owners!

The sendin off with half an hour to gan should have opened the floodgates for us, but instead we were ‘drip feeded’ az chance upon chance went ‘a beggin’!

THE MATCH WOZ ON A BIG SCREEN OOTSIDE THE GROOND—NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE!

What we need iz a quality centre forward!—OH! forgot!—we dee hav one cnut, who haz went on strike! 

FT 0-0

At the final whistle the Toon players came ower to thank the 3,000 fans for their support -and chants of “There’s only one greedy bastard!” reverberated aroond the away section, to acknowledgement from the green clad team , who clapped the chant!

I wonder who they could possibly meen???

Attendance: TBC??? 

GANNIN FOR A BURTON!

*On the way doon on the Cross Country train🚂 an annooncement came ower the loudspeaker az approached Derby station: “This train will NOT stop at Burton on Trent and the next stop iz Tamworth after Derby!  If you wish to travel to Burton you must leave the train at Derby and catch a connecting train!” This woz repeated 3 times and quite a few left the train to get a connection to Burton!

After we left Derby anothaa annoocement came ower the loudspeaker! “This train will now have an extra stop at BURTON ON TRENT in 10 minutes!”

Not much good to those who had departed the train at Derby! (Yih couldn’t possibly make it up) 

Updated Sunday afternooon in The Strawberry next to SJP!⬇️

Pub crawl photos in Birmingham to appear here later!

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS V THE TOON *** SATURDAY DINNAATIME!

 Posted ‘high noon 🕛 🔔 bells’ Friday 15th August 2025

JACOB RAMSEY JETS INTO TOON AIRPORT!

Forst, the news that Jacob Ramsey jetted into Toon Airport in a private jet last neet for hiz medical and a fee of £43million includin add ons for the Villa midfielder haz been agreed between clubs! (Because of the unfair PSR rules, Villa have been forced to sell!)

We doubt very much that he will be available to play against hiz old club tomorrow, but yoo never naa with these things!?

Of course a certain number 14 haz downed 🪚 🔨 tools and will play no part!  If he doesn’t want to play for us, then why oh why did he sign a 6 year contract in the forst place?—Hiz rogue agent haz a lot to answer for, az does the media like Talksport and Sky Sports News who have tried their very best to sell wor star striker for the entire summer transfor window!😬

Anyway! let’s concentrate on wor forst Premyaa Leegue game of the season at Villa Park!

Anthony Elanga and Malick Thiaw will start, but we arnt sure just who will be in goal? The Pope or Aaron Ramsdale? Joe Willock will definitely not play 

The ‘12:30 🔔s kick off time doesn’t help anybody apart from the couch potatoes 🥔 and pub pundits🍺!

Because of the 💩 kick off time we are on wor train 🚂 travels this afternooon to New Street (Birmingham) and an owerneet stay in Ing-er-lang’s so caalled second city!— Bin strikes and aall!⬇️

THE SCENIC ROUTE TO VILLA PARK! 🐀 

 

A match and boozer report will appear here sometime on Sunday!

Az per usual “Watch this space!”

GATESHEED HEEDBANGERS 3. THE TOON U21s 4 *** NATIONAL LEEGUE CUP GROUP STAGE

 Posted ‘high 🕛 noon 🔔s’ Thorzday 14th August 2025

TOON PLAYED IN GREEN***HEFFERMAN (4) SCORED WINNIN GOAL!

“TOON TORNAROOND!”

An amazing come back saw wor U21s recover from 3-1 doon at The International Stadium to win the game in the 90th minute!

The goal sequences were az follows:

9th minute:The Heedbangers take the lead through Kaim Adom with a lang range shot! 1-0 to them!

14th minute: Sean Neave equalises with a fine effort! 1-1

21st minute: Harrison Chapman restores The Heedbangers take lead with a shot from inside the 6yard box! 2-1 to them! HT

49th minute: The home sides lead iz forthaa extended when Callum Bone fired a shot past Harrison in the U21s goal!  A bone of contention on wor part, perhaps?(sic!) 3-1 to them!

70th minute: When the game looked lost, up popped Fitzgerald to hit a low shot across the box to reduce the deficit! 3-2 to them!

83rd minute: A defensive error from Gatesheed’s Richardson, who torned the baall into hiz own net! 3-3

90th minute: When a penalty shootout looked the likely outcome, up stepped central defender Cathal Hefferman, who rose above The Heedbangers defence to heed past Shelvey in the home goal for a remarkable victory! (NOT Jonjo Shelvey by the way!) 4-3 to ‘us’ FT 

Attendance: 509 (Aall in the Main Stand)

*

BLYYYTH TOON 0. DUNSTON BLUE BOYS 2

 Date of First Visit: 12th August 2025

Gateway Park, Newsham, Blyth

Blyth Town 0

Dunston 2

Northern Premier League East Division

Attendance: 350 estimated

 “LET THE 🚂 TRAIN TAKE THE STRAIN!”

We (me and Tex Taylor) met up in The Gunner ower the road from The Central (station) and decided to get the new train 🚂 sorvice up to Newsham station on The Northumberland Line!  Blyyyth Toon play on the south side of Blyyyth!

It took aboot 20 minutes to get there, plus anothaa 10 minute waalk to the groond which iz caalled Gateway Park!

There looked to be quite a few in the groond az we went through the gate and (of course!) we heeded straight for the clubhoose for some liquid lubrications of the alcoholic variety!

                    ⬇️🍺🍺🍺🍺⬇️        

It woz an hour to kick off when we got there and the old ‘current bun’ 🌞 woz blazin doon from the blue sky above!  So (of course!) we took shelter from its rays, inside!(Az yih dee!🤪👍🍺)

There looked to be a canny crowd of aboot 350ish includin quite a few Dunstoners,—several of them young Ultras who had travelled the 15 miles north. 

This woz Blyyyth Toon’s forst home game in The Northen Premyaa Leegue, after promotion from The Northern Leegue last season!

The game kicked off az the air cooled a bit (7:45 🛎️s) and straight away Dunston in their new dark red away strip attacked The Clubhoose End to wor right!

It didn’t take lang for them to take the lead when Jude Swailes sent a powerful heeder past Blyyyth’s keeper to put The Blue Boys (in red!) 1-0 up after 18 minutes on the clock 🕰️ 

It woz soon 2-0 to Dunston when Danny Shaw woz fouled in the box by Fogarty and the ref pointed straight to the spot!

Up stepped Josh Donaldson who put the baall to the far left of their keeper who had dived the reet way, but couldn’t get near it! (see top photo)

Their woz nee more scorin in this half az we made a mad dash back to the clubhoose for some more alcoholic liquid refreshment!🍺🍺⬇️

In the 2nd half Blyyyth played a bit better, but couldn’t find a way through Dunston’s defence!

The best chance in this half fell to Dunston’s JJ O’Donell, who tried a spectacular owerheed kick, which just went ower the bar in the 80th minute at ‘The Big Trees End’!⬇️

Dunston were quite happy to run the clock doon and there woz nee more scorin! We had to leave 5 minutes from the end (9:30) to make sure that we caught the train back to The Toon which woz due at ‘9:45 🔔s’

It woz bang on time and aa got yem at ‘10:30 🛎️s’ *** Yet another groond off the never ending list!***76 now for Dunston games! (29 of them with NUFC, but not this one!)

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

“WE WOZ THERE!—-THE PROOF!—-THE MOUTH WATERIN PRICE OF THE TRAIN TICKETS!—£1:35 EACH WAY!

“COME IN NUMBER 12!”

 Posted ‘high noon 🕛 🛎️ bells’ Wedinzday 13th August 2025

Malick Thiaw ⬆️ iz wor latest recruit to sign ✍️ on the dotted line……!

The 24 year old Jawman International haz signed from AC Milan for a reported £35Million!

He’s a central defender and haz been 🧢 capped 3 times for Jawmany and IZ available for wor forst Premyaa Leegue game of the season at Villa on Saturday!  Malick will wear the number 12 shirt!

More signings are in the pipeline and we will anly bring YOO, wor loyal subjects, news of this, when it actually happens and NOT before!

Meeenwhile! we 👂 hear that wor number 14 says he will NEVER play for us again and haz downed 🪚 ⚒️ tools to try and force a transfor to a certain club 140 miles away!

Any news of the above will be online in The Geordie Times, before yoo naa it!

Tooneet wor U21s take on Gatesheed in The National Leegue Cup at The International Stadium!  (‘7:30 🛎️s’)

A report on that game will appear here ——-eventually! 🤔

THE TOON 0. ATLETICO MADRID 2 *** SELA CUP

 Posted ‘12:45pm 🔔 bells’ Munday 12th August 2025

VIEW FROM THE LEAZES END MIDDLE TIER WHERE THERE IZ NEE LEGROOM!

Wor final pre season game against giant opposition from Madrid ended in a 2-0 defeat, meeenin that the anly win woz against Carlisle, now a non Leegue club, by 4 goals to nil!(BehindClosedDoors!)

7 pre season games: Won 1, drawn 2, lost 4! Goals scored 9, Goals conceded 13!

Az there were nee tickets available for mee normal seat in The Milburn Stand upper tier when aa went to book mee ticket, aa decided to buy an aisle seat in The Leazes End Middle tier!-- The reason aa wanted an aisle seat woz because the seats there are too close together and with mee bein 6 foot taall, mee knees would be rammed against the seat in front!---With an aisle seat aa can sit sideways with mee legs in the aisle!

Of course that didnt gan to plan az when aa got there this gadgy woz sittin in it!!!---"This iz MY seat!" aa said!---Hiz wife pipped up, "He's got a broken foot and needs to stick hiz leg in the aisle, do you mind sittin 3 seats in?"

Not wantin to be a c**t, I reluctantaly agreed and sat doon with mee knees pressed up against the seat in front, like aa knew they would be!

The seat next to me woz empty at the time and aa turned to the left to give me more space----and aye, you've guessed it!---A big fat kid came and sat beside me, makin it even more uncomfortable for mee poor knees!

Aa stood up but a steward told me to sit doon!----The gadgy in my seat decided to sit on the steps of the aisle az it woz hiz left foot that woz broken and the aisle woz on the right! (ie: he could stick hiz good foot oot, but not hiz broken foot!) So aa DID eventually sit in the seat aa'd booked in the end! (I hope yoo havvint faallen asleep readin this!?)

In the meeentime of course they eventually opened the Upper tiers and aa could see that fans were sittin in the seats that aa normally sit in---WITH loads of legroom! (Sods law!) 

Anyway!---enough 0f that!----Withoot a proven striker who had downed tools (guess who?) Anthony Gordon led the line up, but we couldnt make the breakthrough az we attacked The Leazes goal!

A completleee different line from the neet before took to the field az we played in wor home strip for a change! (We played in wor dark blue strip in the 2-2 draw with Espanyol the neet before!)

Kieran Tripper came closest to scorin for us with a free kick just ootside the box, but the Madrid keeper made an excellent stop!

Madrid had most of the play but just couldnt get a goal and the game ended level at half time with nee score!

The 2nd half woz a bit different az wor visitors attacked The Leazes goal!---The breakthrough came in the 50th minute when wor defence were at sixes and sevens and Alvarez had the eazy task of side footin the baall into the net to give them a 1-0 lead!

Their second goal wozzint lang in comin 13 minutes later, when another defensive mix up let in Griezmann, who fired past The Pope in The Toon goal! 2-0 to them!

It woz a case of 'would they score anymore?', rather than 'would we pull one back?', and az the game petered oot the crowd, many of them young kids with their mammys and daddys started to leave the groond!

ATLETICO FAN WITH ⬆️A TOON SCARF                         

"ARE YOO SUND’LIND IN DISGUISE?"

Attendance: 51,544 

(2 Atletico Madrid fans spotted)⬆️

Az there were 30,782 at the Espanyol game(they had NEE fans), it gave a combined attendance for the 2 days to 82,366!---||Not bad for 'a smaall tin pot club' for 2 friendlies (Accordin to Livaapoool and Moan U fans!)

*PS: The Toon lasses aalso lost 2-0 to Atletico lasses in the orlier game!----

Footnote: The Geordie Times,z record of havin seen every home friendly since 1967 iz still intact! (Last friendly missed woz v Linfield in 1966---NUFC won 7-2!)

THE TOON 2 ESPANYOL 2 *** FRIENDLY FIXTURE

 Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 10th August 2025

THE TOON ARE WOR DARK BLUE 3rd STRIP

NUFCs forst home pre season game ended in a 2-2 draw in front of a 30,000 plus crowd (Looked much less than that?)

Az we were playin Atletico Madrid the next day aall the squad member were used for both games!

In this game new boys Park Seung and Aaron Ransdale made their home debuts.

VIEW FROM THE EAST STAND, LOOKIN TOWARDS THE MILBURN STAND

After havin most of the play in the forst 15 minutes, Espanyol broke free and took the lead in the 17th minute with a breakaway run when Exposito hit a great sshot from ootside the box with Ramsdale unable to get near it! 1-0 to them! (Not one cheer woz hord from the Espanyol fans to celebrate the goal,  az they didnt appear to have any fans there at aall!)

It didnt take lang to find the equaliser when Lewis Miley crossed the baall in the 21st minute and Matt Targett woz on target (sic!) az he heeded the baall into the net at The Gallowgate End! 1-1

VIEW TOWARDS THE GALLOWGATE END

A dodgy lookin penalty woz then awarded to Espanyol by Toon fan Micheal Oliver in the 37th minute! ("Howay mate, we thought yoo were on wor side!?)

However justice woz done when Ramsdale guessed the right way to save Paudo's penalty to huge cheers this time! HT 1-1

Again in the 2nd period we were the better team with Schar and Osula gannin close, and we eventually took the lead in the 79th minute when a defensive misstayk by a Espanyol defender let in Jacob Murphy who made 'nee mistttake by welly'in the baall into the net from 20 yards oot at The Leazes End! 2-1 to us!

VIEW TOWARDS THE LEAZES END

Just when we had thought we had won the game and in the 90th minute, Garcia heeded past Ramsdale for the Spaniards 2-2!

Just seconds after this Oliver the ref blew for full time!

Attendance: 30,782 (The upper decks of The Milburn Stand and Leazes End were closed, az woz the back section of The Gallowgate End) NEE Espanyol fans!

The next day an entirely different line up lost 2-0 to Atletico Madrid!

Match report on THAT game will appear here sometime on Munday!

THE TOON v ESPANYOL ON FRIDAY AND ATLETICO MADRID ON SATURDAY

 Posted '5:00pm bells' Thorzday 7th August 2025

Haz there ever been a more depressin transfor window than this one for Toon fans?, with countless rejections in the summer transfor market!

The cartel six have certainly put a spanner in the works az they hijack and pinch the star players that we were after forst!---And or course theres the little matter of one of wor OWN star players, havin to train on hiz own because he 'wants away'!

Espanyol from Barcelona are wor opponents tomorrow neet at SJP with a ‘7:30 🛎️s kick off—-and we play Atletico Madrid the next day at ‘4:00 🔔s, (which iz bein played after wor lasses game v Atletico lasses which kicks off at ‘1:00pm 🛎️s if yoo are interested?) 

We reeely divvint naa wot the line ups will be ? aalthough we dee expect that new ‘on loan’ goalie Aaron Ramsdale, Anthony Elanga and 18 year old South Korean, Park Seung-Soo will make their home debuts in one of the two games! ---While Sven Botman iz doubtful and Joe Willock will definatleee miss oot! 

Obviously wor number 14 will probably not be there? OR on Saturday eethaa? in the 2nd game of the double heeder!

Lets hope we can finally make some big transfor breakthroughs before its TOOO late! 🙏🏻 (Elanga iz the anly BIG signin so far at £52million!)

A match report on both games will appear here sometime on Sunday!

Az per usual "Watch this space!"

GATESHEED REDHEUGH 0 WALKERGATE XI 2 *** NORTHERN ALLIANCE DIVISION 3

Eslington Park, Teams, Gateshead

Date of First Visit: Saturday 2nd August 2025

Gateshead Redheugh 1957  0   Walkergate XI  2

Northern Alliance Division 3 (Level 14 in the footbaall pyramid)

Attendance: 25 (Estimated)

REDHEUGH IN THE WHITE SHIRTS, ATTACK ‘THE TOWER BLOCKS END’ DURING THE FORST HALF!

With non of me fave teams in action last Saturday, aa decided to gan to watch a grassroots Northern Alliance game at Haltwhistle Jubilee to continue mee quest to see just how many teams , who play in towns on the banks ‘o’ the Tyne that aa could visit! (Haltwhistle iz on the River South Tyne!)

However! on the day of the game there were black clouds ower towards the west and az Haltwhistle’s groond had nee cover, aa decided not to risk it! (Most Alliance groonds have nee cover)

The weather woz OK on central Tyneside, so aa heeded for Gatesheed Redheugh for their Tyne derby v Walkergate who hail from the east end of Newcasil!

Gatesheed Redheugh iz famous az 'one' Gazza (Paul Gascoinge) started off here, playin for Redheugh Boys Club, before joining NUFC in 1985!

Anyway! the kick off woz billed az ‘2🔔bells’ and I arrived to see the game kick off 5 minutes orly, at precisely 1:55🛎️bells’ instead?

The Eslington Park groond iz simply a grass pitch with a metal fence aroond it, with anly taall trees for cover on 2 sides of the groond (behind the south goal and on one side)--and 2 huge tower blocks at the other end, which dominated the skyline behind the north goal!

By this time the old 'current bun' had made an appearance through the clouds and so aa took shelter beside the trees near the halfway line, az it woz startin to 'heat up' by this time!

It woz aall Walkergate from the start az they attacked 'The Taall Trees End' (sic!) and they took the lead through their number 8 with a fine finish after aboot 15 minutes play!  

WALKERGATE IN THE GREEN STRIP LAY SEIGE TO ‘THE TAALL TREES END’ GOAL!

Redheugh just wornt in it and conceded again when their keeper made a great save, but, unfortunatly for him, the baall fell nicely to Walkergate's number 10 (I Fink?) who scrambled the baall ower the line to double their lead!     

       

It woz aall Walkergate again in the 2nd half az they attacked 'The Tower Blocks End', (wot else?) but they couldn't find a way to forthaa increase their lead!

(Redheugh Park, where Gatesheed FC once played Leegue futbaall, used to be on the other side of the tower blocks, across the duel carriageway) (Now demolished and replaced by a 'Pitz Super Soccer' 5 a side pitches!)

The ref woz fcukin' useless and sent a Redheugh player off for an innocuous challenge late in the game-- and one of the linesmen bellowed oot instructions to the Redheugh team az he ran doon the line!!! (Nee neutrals here!)⬇️

     A REDHEUGH THROW IN ---110% !

In the end it woz an eazy win for 'The Toon East Enders', played in front of approximitleee 25 fans, includin aboot 6 from Walkergate, 5 dogs of various breeds, 4 bairns in pushchairs, 3 blind mice (honest!), 2 cyclists (one of which woz a little kid who furiously peddled hiz little bike aroond the perimiter track several times!) and ONE sendin' off!

                “WHO LET THE DOGS OOT!?”🐕 

      “SPOT THE BIKE!?”

It woz boilin hot by this time and on the final whistle aa heeded for 'The Teams Social Club' up the road, to quensh mee thorst! (Az yih dee!) 

“THE CLUB’S A BIT FAR FROM THE BUS STOP, LIKE!”

NEW GROONDS FOR 'THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS'!--"WE'RE GANNIN FOR A GANDER!"

 Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 6th August 2025

THE ARDEN GARAGES STADIUM, STRATFORD TOWN!                                                    "NEW GROOND! NEW GROOND!"

Az we've said many, many times before, The Geordie Times won't speculate on any new arrivals until they are standin in front of  The Trainin groond or The East Stand sign, holdin eethaa a Toon shirt or scarf above their heeds!

We are sick to death of the departure/arrivals speculation and won't comment til it actually happens!

"TO BE OR NOT TO BE! ---(at the game)--THAT IZ THE QUESTION!"

In the MEEEENTIME! the U21 Leegue fixtures have been released and we hear that Bormingham City will play wor U21s at Stratford Town in Stratford Upon Avon the neet before wor 1st team away game at Leeedz!---A nighmare situation az to what to dee and how to get to both games!? (Stratford game on Friday August 29th at '7 bells' and Leeedz on Saturday the 30th at '5:30 bells' for live telly!)

William Shakespeare, born in Stratford Upon Avon

"GANNIN FOR A 'GANDER' DOON THE GREEN!"

Then we see that Crystal Palace U21s will play at former Leegue 2 Sutton United's groond!---NUFC U21s are due to play there on Munday Octobaa 27th) They play at Ganders Green Lane

Then of course we have a trip to Evaatin's new abode at The Dickheed Stadium (or whatever its caalled?) at the end of Novembaa!

NOT forgettin possible new groonds in The Champions Leegue az well!---Happy times for The mad-sad groundhoppers!