"IT'S A SELLOOT! *** IT'S A SELLOOT! *** IT'S A SELLOOT!"

Posted '1:41pm bells' Wednesday 9th April 2014

News that wor last 3 away games of the season are now completlee selt oot, haz reached 'The Geordie Times' newsdesk!

For wor game against 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke on Saturday we will have the backin' of 2,900 fans in 'The Sooth Stand', while @ 'The Arse' on the last Monday of this month we will have 1,800 in 'The Clock Stand' <(we must have taken wor minimum allocation for this?)

Then!--on the final day of the season we will have 2,800 in 'The Anfield Road End' when we travel to play 'The Liverbirds' on Sunday May 11th (tickets still to be sent oot!)

Tomorrow we will be reviewin' wor trip to 'The Potteries' on Saturday---wor 2nd worst away trip of the season behind the SMBs! (drastic plastic glasses!---lang waalks to groond, which iz in the middle of newhere from the very few cr*p boozers! red and white striped opponents! and a horrible 'flat-pack' groond! surroonded by duel carriageways, which iz very similar to 'The Smellnet Stadium' in 'Smoggieland'! (etc! etc! etc!)

NUFC NEW MD

Posted '2:03pm bells' Tuesday 8th April 2014

'THE FAT CONTROLLER'S' WALLET! 

News that we have a new MD haz shocked the futbaall world!
Lee Charnley? iz hiz name and he takes ower from 'Llambs to the Slaughter' who resigned last Joon in the wake of JoeK in Your Ears' appointment az 'Director of Fools'!

Az we aall naa, we need at least SIX new player to survive in the Premyaa Leegue next season and Charnley haz issued this rathaa worryin' statement!

"Our immediate priority of course iz to finish this season as strongly as possible!" (last 3 results 0-3,0-4,0-4!)

"Our minimum target is a top TEN finish!" <(WOW! we are NINTH at the mo!---just!)

"Looking ahead to future seasons our primary focus will be (survival in) the Premier League!" <(so forget aboot 'the cups' and Europe!)

"We will continue to operate in a financially stringent manner and live within our means and we will continue to be prudent in our transfer dealings!" <(on loan players and free transfors!)

"We don't look at the transfer windows in isolation, but rather as a full trading year!" <(whatever that's supposed to mean?)

"Our average attendance for League games so far this season is more than 50,000, making us the THIRD best supported club in England!" <(so why? oh why?? can we NOT compete with the top SEVEN teams in 'The Premyaa'?????????????????)

"Our intention for the first team is to sign ONE or TWO players PER YEAR to strengthen the squad!" <(SEE WOT WE THINK ABOVE!)

We may well be roaring with laughter at the mackems at the moment, at their current predicament!---but divvint laugh tooo lang!, az withoot major surgery to wor team, we could well be joinin' them in 'The Championship' the season after next! <(DIVVINT SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOO!)

"USA AALL THE WAY!"

Posted '10:15 am bells' Monday 7th April 2014

Before the Man U game, one of the lads torned up in 'Pleased to Meet You' <(it's the name of a boozer in High Bridge!) in a Tee shirt sent to him by Joe Cirelli who comes from Baltimore in the USA.

He'd met Joe at a home game a couple of years ago and then at Everton this season. He'd had a few 'liquid lubrications' with him and Joe kindly sent him (and others) the local Toon Tee shirt!

(He WASN'T smilin' after the game!---by the way!)

 

THE TOON 0 MOYZEEZ MANC MUPPETS 4 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 6th April 2014

'THE TOON' ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
(VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY)

"OH DEAR! WOT CAN THE 'MATA' BE?"

Yet anothaa abject performance in front of 52,000 plus waz a sad but predictable outcome az 'The Manc Muppets' cruised to an eazy victory @ St James' Park.
Their forst goal shud nevaa have been though, az the free kick given to the visitors not lang before the break waz under 'false pretences' az  Darren Fletcher clearly dived under the challenge from Dan Gosling!
The resultin' free kick by Mata beat Rob Elliot at the near post and withoot anybody in wor side capable of scorin' due to the absence, once again of Loic Remy (hiz 5th game missin' in a row!) there waz ne way back! (De Jong, ne goals so far since he signed in January, Cisse,1 goal in open play this season and super sub? Shola, ne goals so far this season!)

TOON ACTION? @ THE LEAZES END
Cisse heeds just ower the bar in a rare Toon attack!
("Tut tut baaldy nut!")

The Muppets doubled their lead not lang after the restart when a blunder by 'Fab' Coloccini let in Mata to score hiz 2nd goal of the game!
It waz then just a 'MATA' <(sic!)of "how many?" for the visitors az wor heeds went doon!
Hernandez added a 3rd at the mid point of the half with a chance that you or I could have scored and at this point wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' had 'had enough' and made a 'beleaguered' exit, alang with 'half' of the crowd!

The final nail in the coffin came when Januzaj convorted anothaa simple chance in stoppage time!

Just where do we gan from here?--we ask worselves??
It's a very good job that we have enough points on board to avoid relegation--az that's the kind of 'form' we have shown in the last 11 days!  0-3, 0-4 and 0-4!

Put it this way!---if 'The Fat Controller' doesn't put hiz hand in hiz pocket in the next transfor window, then the 'R' word iz a certainty next season!

Toon team: Elliot, Santon, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidara, Anita, Gosling, Tiote, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi 85) <(wot waz the point in that?), De Jong (Ben Arfa 61), Cisse

Attendance: 52,081 (3,000 Muppets in 'The Leazes')  

THE TOON v MOYZEEZ MANC MUPPETS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:52pm bells' Friday 4th April 2014

THE TOON PLAYERS CELEBRATE WOR FAMOUS 1-0  VICTORY
IN FRONT OF THE JUBULANT TOON FANS  
@ 'THE THEATRE OF MUPPETS' ORLIER THIS SEASON!

"83 YEARS OF HURT!"

Next up iz a game against Moyzeez Muppets @ St James' tomoorow afternoon with a very unusual '3 bells' kick off time!
Unusual because we are normally on the telly when we play them, but we are not complainin'!

Again top scorer Loic Remy will be missin' from wor line up which iz very bad news az we carnt seem to score withoot him!
Krul, Debuchy and 'The Sissoko Kid' are aalso missin', so it's just az well we have enough points on board in the safety zone!

We can anly hope that we divvint put in anothaa dismal performance like last weeks surrender @ St Mary's in Sooothampton---but this iz NUFC of course and anything can happen!---especially az Moyzee 'The Chosen One' isn't exactly flavour of the month in London/Dublin/Cardiff/and in the skies ower 'The Theatre of Muppets'!!!

We are lookin' for wor forst double ower Man U since 1930-1931! WHEN we won by the incredible score of 7-4 @ Old Trafford in front of---wait for it!---just 7,000 spectators on September 13th 1930!
For the record, Cape got a hat-trick and Starling scored 2 with wor othaa goals comin' from Lindsey and J.R. Richardson! <(remember him???)

The retorn game @ St James' waz played in front of a 20,000 crowd when we won 4-3 with Bedford (2), Boyd, Hutchinson and an own goal, givin' us wor last double ower them on January 17th 1931! ---for an ELEVEN-SEVEN aggregate score, ower the two games, ne less!

A full match report will of course appear here sometime on Sunday---"See yoo then!"

"JAWMANY CALLING!" **** "NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!"

Updated '2:00pm bells' Thorsday 3rd April 2014

"ATTENTION AALL NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!"

'The Toon' have annoonced two pre-season friendlies in Jawmany on the weekend of 2nd and 3rd of August in a fower team tournament, aalso involvin' Schalke 04 of Jawmany, Malaga of Spain and one other unnamed team!
The city of Gelsenkirchen will host the games in the 'Veltins Arena' which iz the home of Schalke 04!
Opened in 2001 the magnificent stadium haz a retractable roof and can hold 62,000 and waz host to the 2004 Champions Leegue final, az well az 5 matches in the 2006 World Cup finals (includin' England's defeat by Portugal on penalties!)

NOTE THE STANDIN' TERRACES!

Details are eagerly awaited on tickets etc. and we will bring yoo forthaa news az we find oot!


  

USA *** TWENTY THOOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 3rd April 2014

"TOON! *** TOON! *** BLACK AND WHITE ARMY!"

Today wor great friends from across the pond recorded their 20,000th hit on 'The Geordie Times' website!
A MAGnificent achievement considerin' that wor American cousins are NOT supposed to be that interested in the 'big roond baall game'!
Az per usual the celebrations have started in New York City and we again thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' in to this daft blog!

Countries with ower 1,000 pageviews:

UK***53,535
USA***20,004
UKRAINE***6,036
(Mee old) CHINA***3,213
JAWMANY***2,071
RUSSIA***1,237
THE GUINNESS REPUBLIC***1,086

Wor total owerseas 'hits' now stands at a fantastic 52,257 (149 countries, territories and the planet MARS!)

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

THANK YOO AALL FOR LOGGIN' IN!

SOOOTHAMPTON MATCH PIX AT LAST!

Posted '1:17pm bells' Monday 31st March 2014

At last! and two days late (az usual!) 'The Geordie Times' brings yoo---wor loyal reeeders some match and 'liquid lubrication location' pix from Saturday!


"EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY!"
(WE WERE 3-0 DOON AT THIS POINT!)
 

A'v worked oot (or at least Julie did!) how to doonload photos from mee new *'tellin bone' <(see match report article below!)

THE TOON (IN BRAZIL YELLOW)
ATTACK THE SOOOTHAMPTON GOAL
(VIEW FROM ROW 'Q' SEAT 1178)

SOOOTHAMPTON 4 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '10:50pm bells' Sunday 30th March 2014

(Match pix to follow here!---when aa can work oot just how to doonload them from mee new 'telling bone'!??????)

*"THE WONDERS OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY!---HELP!"

Forst of aall--apologeeeez for not updatin' this site until now!---there are FOWER reasons for this!
ONE!: A'd had ne kip for ower a day! (see article below!)
TWO!: The train didn't get back to The Toon til nearly '1 bells' in the mornin' !
THREE!: The clocks went forward and so aa missed a valuable hours drinkin' time on Sunday!
FOWER!: Aa had an urgent appointment with a pint of John Smith's extra cold in 'The Hotspor' on Sunday afternoon!

"ITS' NOT! LIKE WATCHIN' BRAZIL!"

An absolutleee disastrous performance waz meted oot to the lang sufferin' lang distance travellin' faithful, on a glorious sunny day doon the sooth coast!--but it wasn't the 'faithful who got 'tanned' but the the team on the pitch wearin' their 'lucky'??? Brazil away kit!

Kickin' towards the far goal from us in the forst half we had to suffer wave after wave of attacks on the goal in front of us az Sooothampton bombarded wor defence!
FOWER times they hit the side nettin' with the home fans convinced that the shots had gone in--and FOWER times the Toon fans scoffed at them with ironic cheers!

However! wor cheers soon torned into groans az the home side eventually made the inevitable breakthrough just before half time when Rodrigues netted for 'The Simon Templar Mob'!

It soon got worse in the 2nd period when in the 50th minute Llallana crossed for Lambert to fire the baall into the roof of the net!
It got much worse just a minute later when Lallana slammed an unstoppable shot into the goal with sub goalie Rob Elliot helpless to stop it!

There was 'ne way back' for NUFC, especially az wee hadn't had a shot on target up until this point and the 'Simon Templar Mob' rubbed it in with chants of "Inger-land--Ingerland!--Ingerland!" in response to the fact that THREE Englishmen had scored against us! <(When?--waz the last time that that happened!???)

Super sub striker??? De Jong then missed a very simple chance to open hiz Toon goalscorin' account in the 80th minute, but he somehow??? managed to 'baallz it up aaltogether' and 'missed' the baall in front of goal! <(a goal which your great grate grandma could have scored!)

Wor misery waz completed in the 89th minute when Rodgues doubled hiz tally to send us onward, homeward, for the 'hazardous' jorney yem, havin' just witnessed wor very worst performance of the season! <(the retorn jorney included--a replacement bus!---a packed train back to London!---a 'sardined' tube ride back ti King's Cross!---and a torturous FOWER hour jorney back to 'The Toon', havin' been stuck needlessleee in Northallerton Station for ower half an hour!) <(with grovellin' apologeez for the delay blasted from the train tannoy every few minutes, az aa tried in vain to get some 'shuteye'!)

It's great to be a Toon fan!

Toon team: Elliot, Yanga (Santon 46), Williamson, Coloccini, Haidera, Anita, Sissoko (Dummett 78), Ben Arfa (De Jong 46), Gouffran, Cisse

Attendance: 31,360 (2,187 very disalloooshand and thoroughly 'p*ssed off' Toon fans!)

*Catweasle explanation for wor younger reeeders!: The top photo iz of 'Catweasle', a TV programme from the 1970's.
'Catweasle waz transported from the middle ages to the present day in a time machine and had obviously never seen a telephone before. When it rang and he answered it, he caalled it 'a telling bone' az it spoke to him! <(so nuw yi naa wot a 'tellin bone' iz!      

SOOOTHAMPTON v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:00pm bells' Friday 28th March 2014

"A THOOSAND MILES FOR ONE OF YOUR SMILES!"

We make wor 2nd langest jorney of the season tomorrow, when we travel by 'choo choo train'(s) to deepest Hampshire via London, for a Premyaa Leegue fixture @ St Mary's (Swanzee iz forthaa!)

We depart from 'The Central' @ '6 bells' and shud be there by dinnaatime to catch the '2nd wave' of 'gargling' time! (the 1st 'wave' iz before '11 bells'---like!)

A'v got to de a neetshift truck run to Halesowen yet again toneet ('run 159' since last Joon!) and shud complete the 450 mile roond trip by '4 am bells' in the mornin'---just enough time to gan yem and get changed/showered/fed, before grabbin' a few cans and heedin' for the train station!
Then it's a 650 mile roond trip to Sooothampton makin' mee total jorney time just to see the match of 1,100 miles!

Aa could of course eethaa miss the match' (an unfinkable non starter of course!) OR skip work toneet (so aa could get some kip!), but az they naa where am gannin in the mornin', they would, ne doubt, put 'two and two together' and mee cards would be on the office table on Monday mornin'!

And so aa'll have to try and catch a few hours 'shuteye' on the way doon in coach 'F' to 'recharge mee batteries' before gannin' on the hoy doon there! <(the things yi de to follow The Toon!)

Not sure of wor team line up yet?, but worryingly, top goalscorer Loic Remy iz unlikely to be in the startin' 11 again, due to injury!
aalso missin' will be goalie Tim Krul who picked up a knee injury against Everton on Tuesday and Debuchy iz aalso still crocked!

A full match report will follow sometime on Sunday (when aa wake up!)---"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

Meeenwhile---below are two match reports from 'The Geordie Times' archive---one iz from mee forst visit to the now lang gone 'Dell' way back in the 1968-1969 season when aa waz still at school and the othaa from 1984-1985