JULY MORNING!

Posted '7:40am bells' Thorsday 31st May 2012

The orliest pre season friendly game so far haz been annoonced and it's an Under 18s game between 'The Toon' and 'The Monkey Hangers of Hartlepool'.
The game will take place @ Little Benton on the mornin' of July 14th @ '11:00 bells' (Saturday) which by wor reckonin' iz just 44 days away!

For more pre season fixture dates/rumours---see below! 

PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2012-2013****LATEST NEWS

Posted '9:50pm bells' Tuesday 29th May 2012

Wor forst, forst team pre season fixture haz nuw been conformed.
We will be playin' 'The Bluebirds of Cardiff' in sooth Wales on Saturday August 11th @ '3 bells'
Tickets are priced at TWENTY 'dust bin lids' which iz exstorshanate<(the spell checkers gone 't*ts up'!) for a f*****' friendly against a Championship side!??---- and a ridiculous 'tenner' for schoolbairns! (divvint get killed in the stampede to get a ticket!) 

For otha rumoured games---see below!

PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2012-2013****LATEST RUMOURS!

Posted ' 2:45pm bells' Monday 28th May 2012

Az far az we can gather the quoted pre season friendlies are az follows.

Participation in the Vodacom Challenge Tournament in Sooth Africa iz 'cast in stone' (supposedleee?) and we are due to play Kaizer Chiefs, Orlando Pirates and Mazembe.

Aalso rumoured are friendlies away to Sportin' Lisbon and CARDIFF!? <(thought we wouldn't have to gan there az they lost in the 'play offs'!)

The resorves, meanwhile, are due to play away friendlies against Tyneside opposition in the shape of Gatesheed on Wednesday, August the forst and FA Vase winners Dunston UTS on a date to be conformed.

The Premier League campaign starts on August 18th and fixtures are due to be released on June 18th.

Wor European campaign will kick off on Thorsday 23rd August against 'god naaz who' in the forst leg off the Europa League group stage play offs, with the second leg takin' place a week later!

More news on theeze games when we find oot!

WORLD AVERAGE ATTENDANCE LEAGUE 2011-2012

Posted 'just before midneet bells' Friday 25th May 2012

The Geordie Times haz compiled the latest world average attendances from aroond the globe.
Europe haz the top 20 attendances.

The Toon are currently the 14th best supported club side in the world.

1 Barca 84,620
2 B Dortmund 80,521
3 Man U 75,387
4 Real Madrid 75,311
5 B Munich 69,000
6 Schalke 04  61,139
7 The Arse 60,000
8 Stutgart 55,090
9 Hamburg 53,636
10 H Berlin 53,449
11 B Monchen 51,846
12 Celtic 51,398
13 Ajax 50,044
14 THE TOON 49,936
15 AC Milan 48,735
16 Koln 47,647
17 Man C 47,045
18 Rangers 46,324
19 Napoli 45,789
20 Hannover 44,884

PENNY PINCHIN'!

Posted '11:05pm bells' Thorsday 24th May 2012

Forst of aall, sorry for not updatin' more regularleee this week!
This iz because a'v been graftin' feverishly  to orn some pennies, so aa can gan and watch The Toon in Europe next season!
Hope yoo understand and aa'll update A.S.A.P. when aa get a 'mo'!

Time for bed said Zebedee!     

"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!"

THAT'LL DE 'NICE'LY!

Posted '8:10pm bells' Wednesday 23rd May 2012

Wor forst signin' of the close season haz been completed with the signin' of Romain Amalfitano from French club Stade Reims.
He'll officially sign for us on July the forst when hiz contract at Reims expires.
A fower year deal haz been agreed for the 22 year old Nice born French midfielder. (that'll de
'nice'leee!)
He iz quoted az sayin' : "I am very happy to be a Newcastle player!
"I have seen a bit of the city already and it is a change from France!
When a club like Newcastle wants you to play for them it can only be a good thing. I have taken the opportunity to play in the Premier League!"

"WELCOME TO THE TOON ROMAIN!"

FINAL AVERAGE GATES IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE 2011-2012

Posted '9:30pm bells' Monday 21st May 2012

The Leazes End of St James' Park
from Leazes Park's bandstand 

The final Premya Leegue average gates table for 2011-2012 iz below.
Again 'The Toon' finished up az thord best supported club in England/Wales with an average gate of just under 50,000 and 10,841 above the SMBs!


1 The Cockney Glory Hunters of Salford---75,387
2 The Arse---(exactleee!) 60,000
3 THE TOON---49,936
4 The Blue Moonies---47,045
5 The Liverbirds---44,253
6 The Kings Road OAPs---41,478
7 Moanin' Martin's SMBs---39,095
8 Happy Harry's Hotspors---36,026
9 McLeish's Spanish Holiday Home X1----33,873
10 The Toffee Noses---33,228
11 The Pullis P*ss Potts---27,226
12 Deliah's Custard Crumbles---26,606
13 Bent Nose McCarthy Wanderers---25,672
14 The Jackson Jivers---25,293
15 The Baggie Troosers---24,798
16 Ne Where Near Bolton, Wanderers---23,670
17 The Tandoori Chicken Rovers---22,551
18 The Swan Lakers---19,946
19 The Blue Wigs---18,634
20 Shepherds Bush Rag & Bone Men Rangers---17,295

"THANK GOD WE DIDN'T FINISH FOURTH!"

Posted '6:30pm bells' Sunday 20th May 2012

AN ARTISTS IMPRESSION OF
'HAPPY HARRY' LAST NEET @ '10:30 BELLS'!

'The OAPs of Chelski's' (very jammy!) win against 'The Baying Munichs' in the Champions League final means that fourth placed Spors now drop into the Europa League!

Can yi imagine if we had finished fourth in a Champions League spot, anly for Didier Drogba to snatch it away with less than two minutes to play, with Munich 'cruisin' it'.
And then to see him score the winnin' goal in the penalty shoot out would have been tooo much to bear!
Glad we finished FIFTH and didn't have to gan through this like the (not so!) 'Happy Harrys Hotspors'!
Mee poor aad ticker wouldn't have been able to 'take it'!

PREMIER LEAGUE LINE UP CONFORMED

Posted '11:00am bells' Sunday 20th May 2012

"WE'LL BE HERE A CANNY FEW TIMES NEXT SEASON!"
McGLYNN'S BAR---KINGS CROSS 

A dramatic late winnin' goal by Vaz Te for West Ham in the Championship play off final means that we must travel to 'the smoke' at least eight times next season! 
That's six times for London games and another two for wor visits to Soothampton and Reading (via Kings Cross)

There are now just five Lancashire based teams left followin' the relegation of Bolton and Blackborn (plus Blackpool's failure to gain promotion)

Then there's just two midlands teams left (Villa and WBA) plus Swanzee in sooth Wales and finally nearer to home, 'Moanin' Martins SMBs!

Chelski's dramatic win in the Champions League final means that they and not Spors will gan into next season competition with Man C, Man U, and The Arse (with Spors droppin' doon to the Europa League alang side us and The Liverbirds)

We will start wor campaign on August 23rd in the Europa League (many, many possible opponents!)

IT'S COUCH POTATO TIME FOLKS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 19th May 2012

Nuw that the season haz finally finished, there are not many 'futbaall fixes' left for live viewin' by 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'!

The anly game we could find on Tyneside today WAZ!>>>>>Percy Main Amateurs! v Percy Main Old Boys! in a testimonial game @ Purvis Park, Percy Main (near North Shields)

It's two quid to get in, but me thinx aall stick to the 'beer bar' instead, where live on the big screen will be 'The Holloway Blackpool Rockers' v 'The Fat Samboys of West 'aim' @ '3 bells' on Sky 1 and the Edinburgh derby 'Jockish Cup final' between 'The Hi'beez' and 'The Jam Tarts' aalso @ '3 bells' on Sky 4. (will decide which one to watch later!)

Then, it's off to Jawmany later toneet where 'The Baying Munichs' will have (an unfair) home advantage against 'The OAPs of Chelski' in the Champions League final which iz live on ITV @ '7:45 bells'
Az this game cannot now affect us az we didn't finish fourth, we couldn't care a less who wins now!
BUT!---aa'll bet a million dollars that 'Happy Harry' does!--and he will be pullin' hiz dyed hair oot by the roots at the prospect of a 'Pensioners' win and therefore failure for hiz beloved Spors to qualify for the Champions League!
We, on the other hand (or shud that be IN the other hand?) will have a pint of 'liquid lubrication' to celebrate one or the others failure to qualify!

Then of course there's another telly 'play off'  tomorrow for the 'couch potatos' amongst us, in the shape of York v Luton for a place back in the Futbaall Leeegue! (Premier Sports channel)

"ROLL ON NEXT SEASON FOR WOR NEXT 'LIVE NUFC FIX'!"

PS: A'm workin' on a few 'archive match reports' at the moment and will publish some in the near future-----"THE HOUSE OF HORRORS!" comin' up next! (Watford away in the 1980's!)