THE TOON v THE TAFFY NOSES *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:30pm bells' Friday 18th January 2019

THE LAST TIME CARDIFF WON AT SJP

THE GROOND LOOKED LIKE THIS!

"IT'S THE HOPELESSNESSS THAT KILLS YOO!"

Wor must, must, MUST win home game v Cardiff tomorrow iz probably wor biggest game of the season, az a win would propel us oot of the drop zone (for the time bein' at least!) BUT a draw or (god forbid!) a defeat, will keep us rooted near to the bottom of the table, with games v Man C, Sporz and Wolves comin' up behind!

With just 13 days left of the transfor window, we fear the worst that we wont sign anybody for a fee to bolster wor threadbare squad, and that loan deals will be wor anly option, az the alleged takeover??? iz now draggin' on, with fans now beleeevin that it wont happen anyway! 

It's the hope that kills yoo! (or should that be 'hopelessness'?)----
and IF we don't sign a proven striker/defenders etc and have to rely on wor current crop of players, then a 3rd spell in The Championship in 10 years under The Fat Controller's lack of leadership iz likely!
(The Taffy Noses have just splashed oot 18 million for a new striker, for example!)

The FA Cup game v Wotfaad a week on Saturday iz mearly a 'sideshow' az a scratch Toon X1 will play, just like at Bleakburn on Tuesday.----Meeenin that it will be very hard to progress to the 5th roond, az wor visitors are in a safe position in the leegue and will probably play a full strength team!

We reeely MUST win the Cardiff game---any othaa scoreline iz unfinkable!

NUFC v CCFC HISTORY LESSON
Cardiff haven't won at SJP for 56 years---an old Division 2 game in 1963

Az far az top flight games gan, they haven't won here for 93 years!
Their last success comin' in 1926! (Since then NUFC have won 9 and drawn 1 in the top flight)

The forst meetin' took place 97 years ago in 1922 at SJP in the old Division 1 and ended goalless in front of a 28,000 crowd

The last meetin' took place at Cardiff City Stadium in August this season---aalso a goalless draw in front of 30,720

NUFC have won the last 9 home games v Cardiff, so there IZ some hope!
Full record: Played 57, won 27, drawn 14, lost 16

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Sunday
(Pleeeze god, let it be a good one!!!)

Footnote:
"THE POISON DWARF IZ BACK!"

News from wor 'little sister' paper, The Times of London

BLEAKBURN ROVERS 2 THE TOON 4 *** FA CUP 3RD ROOND REPLAY

Posted '1:07pm bells' Wedinzday 16th January 2019

LONGSTAFF'S GOAL IN THE FORST MINUTE
(HOPE YOO'VE GOT GOOD EYESIGHT!)

"A 6 GOAL KILLER!"

Anyone reeedin this scoreline must have thought it woz a brilliant game, but it woz anything but on a bleak night in Bleakburn!
Az expected The Toon sent oot a weakened team which included 5 resorve team players and 3 othaa 'fringe' players!

We took the lead in the very forst minute when Sean Longstaff fired in from 20yards oot, with their keeper unsighted az we attacked The Bleakburn End, which housed the home supporters (they misspelt it 'The Blackburn End' on the stand sign!)
This woz 21 year old Longstaff's very forst, forst team goal az well!

Anothaa 21 year old 'rookie' Callum Roberts aalso scored hiz forst senior goal and doubled wor lead in the 22nd minute with a fine effort from 8 yards oot from a Murphy cross, to send the estimated 2,500 toon fans into 'wild with delight mode', in the opposite Darwen End of the groond!

"GAME OWER!"---well not quite!---this iz NUFC after aall--and former Toon player Adam Armstrong reduced the deficit with a shot into the corner of the goal which gave Freddie Woodman in The Toon goal nee chance!
Rovers levelled things when they scored deep into stoppage time after defensive blunders, to send The Toon fans into 'meltdoon mode'!

The 2nd period woz c**p and if yoo were watchin' this live on BT Sports in your hoose, yoo would have torned ower to watch the Brexit news from 'The Hooses of Parliament' instead! (ie; very borin stuff indeed!)

To add to the fans 'punishment' it went to extra time and Joselu (who had had a c**p game himself!), put us 3-2 up at The Bleakburn End when he slotted home an easy chance in the 3rd minute of 1st half extra time, after Fabian Shar had hit a 20 yard shot which rebounded nicely to hiz feet!

He looked and WOZ offside, but unlike the forst game at SJP, there woz nee VAR to prove this!---This completely unsettled Bleakburn and within seconds of the 2nd half of extra time Perez put the game beyond doubt with a 'cross the box shot' which hit the underside of the bar and went in! 

This meeenz that we will have a game v Wotfaad a week on Saturday in the 4th roond, instead of anothaa blank weekend!

Injuries to Clark and Lascelles durin the game put a cloud ower the result, but we must 'plod on' with nee new signings forthcomin'!

We made hard work of this, but have to be thankful of the final outcome and hope that it gives wor squad a lift az we have that must, must, MUST! win game in the leegue v Cardiff at HQ on Saturday!

Toon team: Woodman, Sterry, Clark (Lascelles 46) (Hayden 57), Fernandez, Manquillo, Schar, Longstaff, Roberts (Perez 94), Murphy, Ritchie (Atsu 109), Joselu

Attendance: 14,228 (2,500 Toon fans--estimated)

We did wor pre match 'gargelin' here!

"WHERE MEE 99 FLAKE?"

The papers react to wor sorry and depleated team line up!

THE DAILY MAIL

*And from wor 'little sister' paper, The Times of London!

BLEAKBURN ROVERS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW NEET

Posted '4:35pm bells' Munday 14th January 2019

"THE GAME THAT NE ONE WANTS!"

We travel to deepest bleakest Lancashire for an FA Cup replay that ne one wants!
Bleakburn divvint want it, The Toon divvint want it and Toon fans definatly divvint want it!

The FA Cup used to be the glamour competition in futbaall, but now its '2nd rate' with top flight clubs more interested in gettin into The Champions Leegue, or (in wor case now) avoidin relegation!

A team of resorves will no doubt play to avoid injuries az we play a must, must, MUST win game v Cardiff next Saturday in the battle to survive!
The game iz live on BT and kicks off at '7:45 bells' with NUFC allocated 6,900 tickets for The Darwen End!---However we anly expect less than half that number to travel!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Wedinzday

THE CHELSKI OAPs 2 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted 'from '9:30am bells' onwards,  on the train back yem Sunday 13th January 2019

"COVER UP AT THE WELLY!"

The jorney doon to 'the smoke' (London) started az per usual from 'The Central' (station) at '8:58am bells' and we arrived in Chelsea in good time for a 'gargel' (or 10) in The Wellington which iz anboot a 20 min waalk from the groond, where we met up with some othaa Toon fans!
Straight away the manager noticed wor accents and woz reluctant to sorve us az this woz a 'Chelski  fans bar'!
We told him that we just wanted a drink and he said that we must 'hide wor colours' so az not to cause offence to the home fans! (The things yiv got to dee!)

We agreed az we were desperate for a 'gargel' and I took my coat off and hoyed it on a windowsill az the bar had the heatin full blast!

The manager kept lookin at me and came ower to wor table and told me to put my jacket back on to hide mee Toon tattoos!

NAMED AND SHAMED!

Reluctantly I did, but wasnt happy aboot it, I can tell yoo!
Aa meeen--when Chelski played at 'wor place' a few months ago, their fans were welcome to come into the bars with tops, scarves and hats showin'---but not in the revorse fixture for us!!!

Aa had 3 pints but woz 'sweatin like a pig' az the bar woz packed by this time, so it woz decided to heed to 'pastures new' which torned oot to be a restaurant (which sorved beer!) alang the road az AALL the bars on the way had notices in the windows sayin: 'Chelsea fans only'! 

ONE OF THE OFFENDIN

FADED TATTOOS!

It wasnt cheep with a half pint bottle of beer costin the thick end of 'a fiver'! (The things yiv got to de to get a 'gargel'!) (And aa took mee jacket off!)

It woz then 'onwards' to the game!

The Toon dropped into the bottom 3 az we lost 2-1 at Stamford Bridge, while teams below us aall picked up points!

Things didnt start off well and it took the home side just 8 mins to open the scorin' when Pedro fired home!
The Toon fought back
 and equalised in front of wor own fans  housed in The Shed End when a Ritchie corner (which woz ootside the 'D') foond the heed of Clark and he powered hiz heeder into the net!
HT 1-1

We held wor own for 12 mins in the 2nd half before The Pesioners (their old nickname) retook the lead when a Willian banana shot acroos the box flew into the net!

We couldnt find a way back and deep into stoppage time we hot a corner! Instead of hittin it across the bix Ritchie inexplicably passed to Perez who then made a 'pigs ear' of his attempted cross and the game woz lost!


Its woz off to Parsons Green after the game where we had ne bother gettin sorved! (Must come here more often!)

Toon team: Dubravka,Lejeune, Lascelles,Clark,Yedlin(Manquillo 82), Hayden,Langstaff, Atsu, Ritchie, Perez(Murphy 82), Rondon

Attendance:40,491 (2,500 Toon fans)

*Footnote: We travelled back on Sunday mornin' but the train woz delayed for 40 mins because of a fault with the brake system.
We eventually left King's Cross and had to take a detour to Peterborough via Cambridge because of bridge work on the main line, which put anothaa hour onto the jorney!

We were in 'the quiet carriage' which woz nice and peaceful til we got to York!  6 teenage lasses got on and sat in the seats next to us and on the far table seats----they were makin a hell of a racket and then az we passed Northallerton station one of the lasses cried, "We're going the wrong way!"
They were gannin to Leeds but had got on wor train by missteak!
They had to get off at Darlo (Darlington) and catch a train south again!----It woz nice and peaceful again after that! 

*More pub crawl pix

GIANLUCCA, FULHAM

PARSONS GREEN, FULHAM

FULHAM
(Stamford Bridge iz actually in Fulham and NOT Chelsea)

THE CHELSKI OAPs v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2:40pm bells' Friday 11th January 2019

Tomorrow we heed for London yet again, where we face The Chelski OAPs at Stamford Bridge in a '5:30pm bells' kick off for live telly (BT)
The jorney doon to KX will take an hour langer than usual az there iz bridge replacement work at Huntingdon and we must travel via Cambridge!  There are NE trains back after the match because of this!

Ki and Muto are away on Asian Cup duty, while Dummett and Shelvey are doubtful az iz Diame and sub goalie Darlow!
Kenedy cant play against hiz parent club eethaa!
However!--Lejeune, Clark and Fernandez are available!

In othaa news it looks highly unlikely that we will make ANY permanent signings in the January transfor window!---
A DRY JANUARY indeed, az the front page of today's 'Ronny Gill' puts it!!
*

*EXPLANATION: KX=King's Cross train station, London

Chelski OAPs=Their former nickname woz 'The Pensioners' in the 1960s after The Chelsea Pensioners war vets (OAPs=Old Aged Pensioners) Chelski=The Russian pronoonciation!(Russian owner!)

The Ronny Gill=The local paper iz so caalled because the paper sellers shout wot sounds like 'Ronny Gill' for 'Chronicle' at the top of their voices!

HEEDACHE FOR HEED FANS AZ HEED COACH HEEDS SOUTH!

Posted '4:10pm bells' Thorsday 10th January 2019

Former Toon player Steve Watson haz sensationally quit National Leegue Gatesheed after 15 months in charge to gan to York City, who are in the National Leegue North, which iz the leegue below 'The Heedbangers'!
Gatesheed are currently just ootside the play off places and hiz loss will be a big blow!

We have ne idea why he would leave to gan to a lower leegue club, but money talks we 'fink', in this case!

"DEVASTATIN' NEWS FOR THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!"

Posted '3:43pm bells' Wedinzday 9th January 2019

Shock news reaches The Geordie Times that wor game away to Sporz on Saturday 2nd February will be played at Wembley and NOT the forst game at their new stadium in Tottenham az woz expected!
  This iz devastatin' news for 'the groundhoppers' amongst us, az we thought we would get a new stadium 'under wor belt'!
However Sporz have said that their next 4 home games from the end of January will be played at Wembley and have given March az a possible? openin date----(they may az well play the rest there az well, az the season will be nearly finished soon!)

A crowd 'cap' of 51,000 haz been imposed which meenz the top tier of Wembley will be completely empty (just like at sund'lind!)
(see article and pix below!)

SMBs SENIORS 4 NUFC JUNIORS 0 *** CHECKATRADE TROPHY

Posted '3:13pm bells' Wednizday 9th January 2019

THE TEAMS RUN OOT TO CHEERS FROM THE SMB FANS--- 
DISGUISED AZ EMPTY SEATS!

(THE NUFC KIDS ARE IN LIGHT BLUE)

"Nnnnnnnineteen!"

With 10 teenage players oot of 14 used, with an average age of just ower "nnnnineteen!" (19) we held wor own in the forst half against the mackems senior squad az Toon fans sang throughout the half!
Coach Ben Gibson had decided to play the same team az had beat the SMB resorves the previous week!

With a 'cap' of 3,000 tickets we were housed az per usual in the top deck of the North Stand, where even the gangways were full!

In complete contrast the main stand to wor right, woz virtually empty of home supporters, az the top picture shows!

The 2nd half woz difficult az wor youngins tired and the SMBs took the lead not lang after the restart when an unfortunate Kelland Watts put through hiz own goal!---It woz soon 2-0 in the 52nd minute!

The Toon fans kept up a non stop barrage of songs, includin': "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when!" and 
"Its anly wor kids!", in reference to the fact that 10 of wor team were teenagers az the sad mackems celebrated the goals wildly az though they'd won a cup!

Anothaa 2 goals followed, but az their 4th goal went in the Toon fans cheered in mockin' style, az a mackem player with 'cheezy chips' bright yellow hair, hit their 4th!---It woz bizarre to say the least, that a SMB goal woz cheered by NUFC fans!
"Cheezy chips, give us a wave!"- and "He's got cheezy chips on hiz head!", they mocked, az the groond emptied near the end in the home sections!
(Melted cheese on top of greasy chips iz a favourite delicacy in mackemland!) 

For the record the Toon 'Teenyboppers' line up, plus the 3 subs used woz az follows:---with their age in (brackets)
Harker(20)  Walters(18)  Gibson(21)  M Longstaff(18)  Bailey(19)  Watts(19)  Allan(19)  Longelo(19)  Sangare(20)  Roberts(21)  Sorensen(19)  Toure(18)  Wilson(18) Cumbrera(19)
Average age of squad iz 19 years old! (oldest 21, youngest 18)

THE TOON PLAYERS ARRIVE  IN THEIR CARS UNDER 
A POLICE ESCORT!

Attendance: 16,654 (includin' 3,000 Toon fans---the crowd would have been much higher if they had given us wor full allocation of tickets!) 
*
PS: Man City U21s are the anly ones left in the competition oot of the top 2 divisions U21 sides (Chelski U21s could join them tooneet if they can beat Peterborough's 1st team---'update---Peterborough won 3-1)

The pre match 'gargels' took place here!

NAGS HEED, GATESHEED

STATION EAST, GATESHEED

BRIDGE HOTEL, NEWCASIL

ROSE AND CROOWN, NEWCASIL

NEWCASIL ARMS, NEWCASIL

BAR LOCO, NEWCASIL

SMBs 1st TEAM v NUFC U21s (RESORVE TEAM)

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 8th January 2019

Tooneet we face the mackems at The SOS ("Stadium Of Sssshhh!--yee naa wot!") in The Checkatrade Trophy @ '7:45 bells'!

While NUFC will send a youthful 'resorve' side to wearyside the SMBs must field their 1st team in a 'no lose game' for us!
IF they win then people will say that its anly against NUFC U21s, while a defeat for them will be humiliatin' to say the least!
(3rd and 4th tier sides must field their 1st teams, while teams in The Premyaa Leegue and Championship must field mostly U21 players (ie: Their resorve sides!)

If the tie iz level after 90 minutes a penalty shootout will then take place to determine who will gan through to the last 8 of the competition. 

NUFC have sold the entire 2,800 allocation (we asked for 4,800 tickets, but were knocked back by 'The Dibble'!) while the mackems have sold an estimated 10,000 tickets!

There are ne ticket sales today to try and avoid NUFC fans getting into the home areas!

A full Geordie Times match and pix report will appear here sometime on Wedinzday!

NEWS AT TEN *** FA CUP DRAW TOONEET'!

Posted '1:24pm bells' Munday 7th January 2019

The FA Cup 4th roond draw takes place tooneet at aroond aboot '10 bells' and NUFC are baall number 10 in the pot!

We are lucky of course to still be in it after Saturday's horror draw v Bleakborn, but unlucky az well az we will have to travel there a week on Tuesday or Wedinzday for the 3rd roond replay!

Like Bornley, just up the road, Blackborn iz a bleak place indeed for a midweek replay--especially on a freeezin caad January neet in this Lancashire outpost! (Hence we have renamed them 'Bleakburn Rovers'!)

Oot of the 30 odd teams left in the competition there are anly 4 groonds that we havent been tee---Barnet, Newport, AFC Wimbledon and Shrewsbury, who face a replay away to Stoke! (However!-- 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have been to Barnet's, Shrewsbury's and Wimbledon's old groonds) 

A home draw would be preferable (IF? we can beat Bleakburn in the replay at Ewood Park), but if not, then an away tie at the above mentioned!

The Geordie Times will of course bring yoo the news of the draw az soon az we find oot and will be printed below!

Updated just before '10 pm bells'

The Toon have drawn Wotfaad at home, shud we beat Bleakburn in the replay next Tuesday or Wedinzday neet!