THE TOON v FAT SAM'S TOFFEE NOSES *** TOONEET!

Posted 2 35pm bells Tuesday 12th December 2017
Updated 12:45pm bells Wednesday

The Strawberry corner of

The Gallowgate Stand from

The Strawberry car park

"ELEVENTH TOP OR SECOND BOTTOM!"

We gan into tooneets game @ '7:45 bells' lookin for wor forst win in 8 weeks, when we take of Fat Sam's new charges at SJP!
In that time we have plummited from 6th to 16th in the table and are just 2 points from 3rd bottom place!

Thankfully Lascelles iz fit again which might just help stem wor shockin goals against record, which iz 15 conceded in the last 5 games in hiz absence!
Atsu iz aalso expected to retorn aftaa injury

Ne doubt that Fat Sam will put 10 men behind the baall with Rooney up front!

Can we get a win?  Who knows? but we must try or else we will end up in the relegation zone with hard games against The Arse and The Blue Moonies of Manc-land to come later this month!

IF we can beat Evaatin this evenin' and othaa results gan wor way we could climb az high az 11th place in the table---
HOWEVER!---shud we lose and West Ham,West Brom and Swanzee win, then we will end up in 2nd BOTTOM place----such iz the tight nature at the lower end of the Premyaa!

Match report to follow on Thorsday!

BIG AL HAZ HIZ SAY!

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Munday 11th December 2017

News that wor record goalscorer woz conspicuous by hiz absence when players of the past were introduced at half time to commemorate NUFCs 125th birthday, sez it aall aboot the plight of wor great club!

Eeethaa Big Al (who woz in hiz private box in The Milburn Stand) wasn't invited, OR that he refused the invitation to gan on to the pitch, iz not clear--but the fact he watched the half time proceedings from hiz box tells yoo everything yoo need to know aboot the mess we are in!

Of course the club wasn't happy with hiz criticism a few years ago and changed the name of the bar underneath The Gallowgate End from Shearer's to Number 9 to get their own back on him!

And Big Al had plenty to say in the papers and on 'Match of the Day' aboot wor predicament and urged 'The Fat Controller' to "sell up and get oot before it's too late!" (ie: yet anothaa relegation!)

It's so sad it's unbeleeevible!  

THE TOON 2 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 3 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted 10:40am bells' Sunday 10th December 2017
Updated Munday

THE BLACK AND WHITE FLAGS WERE OOT IN FORCE BEFORE THE GAME

TO 'CELEBRATE' 125 YEARS TO THE DAY SINCE WE CHANGED WOR NAME

FROM NEWCASTLE EAST END TO NEWCASTLE UNITED!

"A NOT SO HAPPY BORTHDAY!"

Anothaa display when wor defence collapsed cost us the game on wor 125th birthday 'celebrations'?

With the flags wavin' it enspired us to gan for goal straight from 'the off' and we took the lead after just 4 minutes when Murphy foond Gayle who crossed to Joselu and he fired home at The Gallowgate End to send the 'birthday boys' into a frenzy!

Personally, aa woz prayin' for a good result az this woz mee 1,100th competitive game 'in a row' watchin' wor forst team!

Mee hopes were soon dashed though when Lestaa equalised in the 20th minute through Manrez and the norves started janglin' after this! (Half time 1-1)

Gray doubled wor visitors lead on the hour mark and the doom and gloom enveloped the stadium! (apart from the 3,000 'Basil Brush' foxes in the away end that iz!)

We came back again 13minutes later when a Merino heeder foond Gayle and he wellied the baall into the back of the net at The Leazes End to send the Toon fans into raptures---BUT!---az seems to be the case theeze day, we shot worsles in the foot when sub Perez toe poked the baall into hiz own net with barely 3 minutes left on the clock to inflict wor 3rd home defeat in a row az we slide doon the leegue ladder!

That's 7 games in a row withoot a win and just 1 point taken from  the last 21----we are nuw just TWO points above the abyss and the 'winter of discontent' iz nuw upon us!

Geordie Times comment: Theeze are desperate times for NUFC---quite simply if 'The Fat Controller' (he woz absent again!) doesn't sell the club to 'The Amanda Staveley consortium' then we fear the worst and wor 'beloved owner'? could well oversea a 'hat-trick of relegation under hiz tenure in 9 years! (that (on average) would be a relegation every 3 years since he haz been in charge!!!!)
"FOR GODS SAKE SELL UP AND GET OOT OF WOR LIVES!"  

NUFC team line up and more pix to follow later az a'm gannin' 'oot on the hoy' shortly to drown my sorrows! (yet again!)

Sometime later!---"hic!"

Toon team: Darlow  Yedlin  Leujene  Clark  Manquillo  Murphy(Perez 71) Marino   Hayden   Richie(Atsu 62)   Gayle    Joselu (Mitrovic 88)

Attendance: 52,177 (3,000 'Basils')

THE 'LETS GAN ON A BENDER IN DECEMBER' CRUSADE CARRIED ON BEFORE AND AFTER THE MATCH!

THE TOON v THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE *** TOMORROW EVENIN

Posted 6 30pm bells Friday 8th December 2017 at Trowell sorvices truck park

"HAPPY BORTHDAY TO 'US'!

We take on Lestaa at SJP in a live telly game tomorrow at 5 30 bells.
NUFC changed their name from Newcastle East End to Newcastle United exactly 125 years ago tomorrow
This could aalso be a special day for me, but I dont want to 'jump the gun' and will explain aall in mee match report on Sunday!

Hopefully 'the borthday boys' can stop the rot and end wor winless run which stretches to 6 games--- lets hope its '7 heaven come 7 bells tommorow neet!

News that Amanda (Staveley) haz met 'The fat controller' ower a curry in London aboot take ower talks is good news and hopefully the club will be under new ownership very soon!

We await with baited breath!!!!

(NE WHERE NEAR) BRIGHTIN U18s v THE TOON U18s *** FA YOUTH CUP 3rd ROOND

Posted just before 'high noon bells' Thorsday 7th December 2017

THE LAST TIME WE WERE HERE IN SEPTEMBER!

Tooneet wor U18s make the lang trip to The Amex Stadium in Falmer (which iz ne were near Brightin!) to take on Brightin's U18s in the FA Youth Cup!

Kick off iz at '6 bells' and we anticipate that there will be hardly any NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers at the game, due to the fact that we have been here 4 or 5 times before!---the last time just 3 months ago for a forst team game which we lost 1-0!

If yoo ARE gannin admission iz a fiver for big kids and 2 quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites!

A Geordie Times report on this game will appear here in due course! (probably at Woodall services truck park on  the M1 near Sheffield, sometime near midneet!)

Updated 11 25pm bells at Woodall services

The Toon won 5 0 at the AMEX with Kelland Watts scorin a hat trick (2 pens) with Lewis Cass and Kurtis Russell gettin the others to put wor U18s into the 4th roond draw
253 were in attendance (not known yet if any NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers torned up?)

329 weston homes community stadium, colchester

Ground number 329
Date of first visit: 4th December 2017
Weston Homes Community Stadium, Colchester

Colchester United U23s 1
Newcastle United U23s 2 (Luke Charman, 2)

Premier League Cup
Attendance: 175 estimated

"There's anly one Luke CHAPman!"

2 goals from Luke CHARman sealed this win in Colchestaa in front of a sparse crowd, which included 6 'NUFC mad sad groundhoppers' who had travelled doon from various parts of the north to see The Toon play on a leegue groond we had nevaa previously visited!

The groond iz one of those 'new build lego stadiums' that aall look the same with 4 smaall stands and iz 2 miles from Colchestaa toon centre

Aftaa THREE 😮disallowed goals for hand baalls and offside we finally made the breakthrough bang on half time when Charman fired home
(Durin this half we aalso hord the FA Cup draw which paired us with Luton who beat Gatesheed 5 0 on Sunday)

The home side equalised just after the restart through a defensive error, but justice woz done at the midpoint of the half when Charman sidefooted home to muted cheers from the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!

The team sheet said that Luke Chapman woz wor number 9 when in fact it woz Luke Charman and the stadium annooncer got it wrang, az well az the scoreboard operator!
Just after wor goal the ref, (who woz caalled 'Mr Hair'!) told wor number 3 Kyle Cameron that he "Was taking the mick!" when he went to take a throw in, by movin' forward 10 yards from where he shud have taken it, which brought merriment to the fans in the main stand!

'WE' got sommik very wrang az well, az we thought wor U23s were playin Colchestaaz forst team, when in fact it woz their U23 side! (Zero oot of ten for us!)(that's 'me', Dave from York, Alex of St George and Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer!) (Hence the very low 'crowd'!)

Some of the 175 (or so!)

who bothered to torn up!

"We woz there!"

(A rather crumpled team sheet!)

Footnote: Of the current 92 leegue groonds NUFC have now played on 80 of them---and 'The Geordie Times' haz been to aall 80 of them az well!😊

The pre match gargels took place here in Colchestaa toon centre

And the post match 'celebrations'

took place here near King's Cross in London

(Where several liquid lubrications were consumed!)

Updated '1:40 pm bells onwards 'Tuesday 5th December 2017

Aa got oot of bed at 6:45am bells at the hotel near King's Cross and caught the 8 bells train to get yem orly az aa had to gan to graft at 2pm bells.
It took just 2 hours 20 mins to get to Darlo at 10:20 bells (250miles)-- and then the train didnt move?
An annoncement ower the train tannoy telt the packed carriages that the train woz gannin "No where!" az somebody had been hit by a train forthaa up the line!
Aftaa an hours wait on the platform we were telt that replacement busses would take us to The Toon and by the time we got there at 1 pm bells it had taken langer to get from Darlo (35miles!)than it had from Kings Cross to Darlo!

Az mentioned aa had to gan to work at 2 bells and drive to Redditch in Worcestershire and back in mee truck, which iz a 440mile roond trip!
Who would be a Toon fan!?

COLCHESTAA v TOON U23s

Posted 7 bells Munday 4th December 2017

Latest score updated periodicalleeee!
HT 1  0 UP  (LUKE CHARMAN)
FT WON 2  1 (LUKE CHARMAN)☺

Match report tomorrow

THE STADIUM OF SSHHH!!!! ("NOW YIH NAA WHY!")

Posted '10:50am bells' Munday 4th December 2017

sund'lind's new seats arrive to replace the faded pink ones!

If yoo ever wondered why NUFC fans caall sund'linds groond 'The Stadium of Sh***e then the answer iz here! >>>>>>>>>> 

One of their bretheren decided to drop hiz strides durin' Saturday's 3-1 defeat to Readin' and unbelievably had a 'number 2' on hiz seat, much to the disgust of fellow fans beside him!

Pictures and comments then appeared on WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook and my phone went 'mental'!

reaction from fellow supporters!

sund'lind unvail plans to make

the stadium of sshhh!!!! (yee naa wot!) an indoor arena!


The press have named the story
'POO GATE' and
the mackem who did a 'number 2'
denied he had done it,
(he would---wouldnt he!)
despite drinkin 12 bottles of Bud and 6 pints
of Strongbow Dark Fruit and
2 chocolates from hiz advent calender?
He says he cant remember a thing,
so how does he know he didn't do it?,
especially when fellow fans around him said
HE DID! (why would they make it up?) 

"NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!"

Posted '11:25am bells' Sunday 3rd December 2017 

Tomorrow evenin' we face anothaa 'lang trek', this time to Colchestaa, where wor U23s are takin' on Colchestaa'z forst team in 'The Premier Leegue Cup' @ The Weston Homes Community Stadium, which iz a NEW LEEGUE GROOND for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' to visit!

We fully expect that at least half a dozen 'mad-sad groundhoppers' will travel doon for this one, with many more Geordie exiles in attendance az well!

Kick off iz at '7 bells'
(Match report and pix to follow on Tuesday)

Meeenwhile!!!--- 'The Heedbangers of Gatesheed are takin' on Luton Toon this afternoon at The International Stadium in the 2nd roond of the FA Cup and a good crowd iz expected---if yoo are planning to gan the kick off iz at '2 bells'!

Update: The Heed lost 5-0!-----the draw for the 3rd roond takes place just az wor U23s kick off at Colchestaa!

CHELSKI OAPs 3 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '11:00am bells' Sunday 3rd December 2017

VIEW FROM ROW 13 'CORNER FLAG UPPER TIER'

"IT'S AALL SO PREDICTABLE!" 

A result we fully expected at the end of the day, but we did take the lead in the 12th minute when Dwight Gayle tapped in at The Matthew Harding End after Murphy woz upended in the box to send the 3,000 faithful in the opposite Shed End wild with delight!

It didnt last long though and the 'hazard warnin lights' came on when Eden Hazard equalised in the 21st minute with a shot which rebounded off the turf and past Karl Darlow into the corner of the net!
It woz soon 2-1 to 'them' 10 minutes later, when a wayward heeder by Ritchie let in Morato, to heed home in front of the Toon fans!

Reeely it woz ower by then, az Chelski made Karl Darlow bring off some excellent saves to keep the score doon to 2-1 by the half time break!

The 2nd half woz played virtually in 'wor half' of the field az the home side went for more goals and predictably they went 3-1 up in the 75th minute, when Ritchie brought doon Moses in the box and Hazard convorted from the penalty spot!
Many Toon fans then 'gave up the ghost' and heeded for the exits, while those that stayed (including 'us') sang their hearts oot for the lads! "We're gonna win F*** aall!" etc!

"THE PAIN TRAIN!" 

Thankfully the OAPs <(their former nickname woz 'The Chelsea Pensioners') didn't add any more, to dent wor goals against column and we trundled to the exits and onwards to King's Cross where we boarded the '5 bells' train back to Tyneside, which unbeleeevableee had a sund'lind emblem on the engine!!!!

"YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!"

Thoughts of refusal to get on the train entered wor heeds, but it would have cost 3 figures to book on anothaa train back yem and so we very reluctantly 'lumped it'!---News that the SMBs had lost 3-1 and extended their home record to 21 winless games then reached us!
"HA HA!"---must get this train more often!" ("NOT!")


We are now in 'free faall', havin taken just ONE point oot of the last 18 and are in 14th place, just 5 points above the drop zone az we speak!
Luckily for us, several othaa poor teams are 'in the mix', and this shud just aboot 'save us' at the end of the season (hopefully!?)

Toon team: Darlow, Mbemba, Clark, Lujeune, Manquillo, Diame (Shelvey 75), Merino (Yedlin 85?), Ritchie, Perez (Hayden 62), Murphy, Gayle

Attendance: 41, 538 (3,000 'resigned' Toon fans!)

*For 'Pub crawl' pix see next article doon!