THE CHELSKI OAPs v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Updated '8:44pm bells' Friday 9th January 2015

We heed for the delights of west 'Landan' tomorrow afternoon where we will attempt to de the double ower The OAPs from Stamford Bridge! <
 (Can pigs fly!?-yi'd better beleeeve it!) 
<<<<<
We have sold wor full allocation of 2,200 tickets @ £55 'a go' (+£1 bookin' fee!) and we can anly hope that we put up a better show than the shambles we had to witness @ Lestaa last week---or else we will be in serious trouble!

A 'miraculous recovery' iz expected from the 5 players who missed oot the FA Cup tie debacle @ Lestaa because of 'injuries'!---Chelski have a 100% record at home in the Premyaa Leegue this season!----The trains are 'wet' on the way doon and 'dry' (az per usual!) on the way back! 

Because we are oot of AALL competitions for fieldin' an understrengh 'X1' in the Lestaa game, the anly thing we have to play for, iz to finish in the top 10 and avoid gettin' dragged into a relegation battle! <(still a distinct possibility az we are anly 10 points off the drop zone!)

On the othaa hand we could gans on a winnin' streak and win the leegue az there are still 54 points to play for and a max of 81 iz possible!? <(Aye!---a'v had a few 'liquid lubrications' today!)

"NO!--NOT THAT 'BRIDGE OF SIGHS'!"

A full 'Geordie Times' match/boozer report will appear here on Sunday sometime! <(lets hope that it's a 'Fantasy Futbaall' story and not a 'Bridge of Sighs' story'!?)

THE SMOGGIES U18s v THE TOON U18s *** FA YOUTH CUP *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:07 pm bells' Thorsday 8th January 2015
 

"WELCOME TO TEESSIDE!"

For those of yoo who are at a 'loose end' tooneet, wor youth team are in action in 'Smog Monster Land' when we face 'The Smoggies' in the 4th roond of the FA Youth Cup @ The Riversnide Stadium in a '7 bells' kick off.

This iz NUFCs anly chance now of some 'silverware' ("Er!"-- apart from the resorves in the Northumberland Senior Cup!) and there shud be a canny crowd in this Tyne/Tees tussle!

Admission iz £3 for big kids and just a 'quid' for sprogs and zimmerframeites and whatever yi de---divvint forget your breathin' equipment! >>>>>>

Unfortunately 'yours truly' wont be there coz a'v got to gan to graft to orn some money to pay for mee Chelski away match ticket (£56) and train tickets (£70+!) on Saturday! <(plus booze money of course!)


Update Friday: THE SMOGGIES 2  THE TOON 3

A dramatic last minute winner from Sean Longstaff seeled a 3-2 victory in front of less than 1,000 @ The Riversnide Stadium last neet! <(Hardly a 'canny crowd'!)
In a 'ding dong' game we went aheed in the 5th minute through Jamie Cobain, anly for 'The Smoggie bairns' to equalise and then take the lead later on.
We levelled things 5 mins from full time with a Dan Barlaser  shot, before Longstaff won the day in the 90th minute to avoid extra time and the dreaded penalty shoot out!

Attendance: 939 (includin' some of the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!)

PS: We have been drawn away to eetha 'the mackems' or Ipswich Toon in the 5th roond!

"SHEAR MADNESS SAYS ALAN!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 7th January 2015

Toon record goal scorin' legend Alan Shearer sez it aall!----
ne need for 'The Geordie Times' to add anything!
'The Fat Controller' shud hang hiz head in shame! 

 

"88 HOURS AND 55 MINUTES!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 5th January 2015

At preciseleee '4:55 pm bells' on Saturday the ref blew for full time which condemned us to yet anothaa 'trophy free' season and we believe that this must be the orliest ever to have nothin' to play for!
(88 hours and 55 minutes from the start of the new year!)

Not anly that! but we now have lost three successive FA Cup ties for the forst time in wor lang history, which stretches back to 1887 when we played wor forst tie, when we were known az Newcastle East End----some 127 years ago!

"It doesn't get any worse than this, folks!"

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE X1 1 THE TOON X1 0 *** FA CUP 3rd ROOND

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 4th January 2015

COLOCCINI SOUNDS THE BATTLE-CRY IN SATURDAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!
HE DIDN'T EVEN PLAY!???

"THE ABYSMALALITY OF IT AALL!"  

The thord of January!---Anothaa year!---anothaa FA Cup exit before February!---yet more blank weekends to fill in!--it just gans on! and on! and on! and on!

Despite promises to the 4,400 travellin' fans that we would put wor strongest possible team oot, 'Pieman' Carver left oot: Moussa Sissoko, Jack Colback, 'Fab' Coloccini, Daryl Janmaat AND Ayoze Perez from the startin' line up! <(Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times'---see article below!)

Basement club Lestaa aalso had a very weakened team and left 7 forst team players oot and predictably the game waz one of the worst we've ever witnessed!

The match officials were ne better and we had a porfectlee good goal scored by Remy Cabella ruled offside by a linesman, when telly replays later on clearly showed that he waz ON SIDE!

The anly goal that counted waz scored by the home side in the 40th minute when a heeder from Ulloa hit the underside of the bar and rebounded off the goal line and into the roof of the net!

THE TOON MAKE A RARE ATTACK DURIN' THE 2nd HALF

Basically that waz it! az both teams struggled badly in one of the most borin' games imaginable!

The Toon fans were in a 'no forgivin' mood' az they got 'stuck into 'The Fat Controller', with the usual:
"Get out of our club, yoo fat Cockney bustard!" song! <(don't think he would have been able to hear it in Barbados, mind!?) 

And "Whey aye the pie" Carver didn't escape eethaa with chants of: "Carver iz a 'Yes Man'!" in response to hiz unforgivable team selection <(we don't want any saleable player's 'Cup-tied' in the January transfor window!---do we, John/Mike/Lee!?)

But perhaps the most ominous chant waz: 
"We're sh*t and we're sick of it!"---which just aboot sums up the abysmalality <(if there iz such a word!) of it aall!

And!---The situation which just aboot summed up how much we wanted to be in the 4th roond draw, happened halfway through the 2nd half when Williamson hit a free kick near the halfway line BACK TO ALNWICK IN WOR GOAL!????? <(We were 'gobsmacked'!) <(The fans then snapped and vented their fury!)

News then filtered through that both Gatesheed (0-7!) and Blyth (2-3) had lost their cup ties az well!---A 'black day' indeed for Tyneside and beyond!

Ne domestic trophies now for SIXTY YEARS!---and coontin'!

Toon X1!: Alnwick, Santon (Satka 59), Williamson, Dummett, Haidera, Anita, Tiote, Vuckic (Roberts 79), Cabella, Armstrong, Riviere

Attendance: 23,212 (4,400 thoroughly p*ssed off Toon fans!) *

The pre and post match gargels took place here!

BAR NEXT TO SHEFFIELD STATION  (We had to change trains here!)  

THE REGENT CLUB, LEICESTER

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE v THE TOON *** FA CUP THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '7:15am bells' Saturday 3rd January 2015

It's that time of the year again folks when we enter the FA Cup at the 3rd roond stage!---We heed for the delights of 'Lestaa' this mornin' where wor resorves will be takin' on their resorves/juniors!

It's nigh on certain that wor opponents, who are fightin' for their Premyaa Leegue lives, wont risk any injuries to key players and will play a very weakened team.
NUFC ne doubt will aalso play a weakened team, <(like we normally de in the FA Cup!) so it's anybodys guess if we will be in the 4th roond draw come next Monday?

PS: Can we just wish the othaa north east's 'Big Two' 'aall the best' in the FA Cup today. We meeen of course 'The Heedbangers of Gatesheed' and 'The Spartans of Blyth' who take on West Brom and Bormingham, retrospectively <(we naa aall the big words!) 

A full 'Geordie Times' match/boozer report will appear here sometime ower the weekend!

THE TOON 3 BORNLEEE 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:52am bells' Friday 2nd January 2015

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (1st half)

With new caretaker manager 'Pieman' Carver in charge for the forst time, we 'shot worsels in the foot' a total of THREE times in this match!

Bornleee hit the woodwork orly on and this waz a wake up call az we looked half asleep at the back!

We took the lead in the 15th minute when Steve Taylor 'glanced in' Jack Coback's corner <(a rare event indeed for us to score from a corner!)

It anly lasted fower minutes though when we 'shot worsels in the foot' for the 1st time when an attempted back pass by Paul Dummett looped ower Jak Alwick's heed in The Toon goal to put the visitors level! <(bet he felt like a real 'dummy'!)

VIEW OF THE EAST STAND FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY

Wor lead waz restored just 7 minutes later when Jack Colback fired in a 25 yard screamer off the post @ The Leazes End!
(half time 2-1 up!)

We 'got oot of jail' just 3 minutes after the re-start when Bonleee hit the underside of the bar and post in quick secession, but thankfully 'lady luck' waz on wor side and the baall rebounded oot!

They hit the post again not lang after (for the 4th time!) but they finally got their reward with a 2nd equaliser at the mid-point of the half,  when Ings glanced an effort off the post and this time it went in!

We retook the lead yet again 12 mins from time when Perez raced doon the pitch and foond Armstrong who in torn foond Sissoko and he fired past Heaton in the visitors goal @ The Gallowgate End to put us 3-2 up!

ACTION @ THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Bornleee wornt givin' up though and with just 4 mins to gan we 'shot worsels in the foot' for the 3rd time when after a midfield mix up, Boyd hit a low shot that Jak Alwink shud have saved, but the baall went under hiz body and into the net to make the final score 'three's a piece'!

We lie in 10th place, 10 points above the drop zone and the anly person who iz happy aboot wor mid-table mediocrity iz 'The Fat Controller'! *** "Happy new year!?"

Toon team: Alnwick, Janmaat, Steve Taylor (Williamson 60)Coloccini, Dummett, Colback, Tiote, Sissoko, Perez, Gouffran (Haidera 71), Riviere (Armstrong 57)

Attendance: 51,761 (3,000 Bornleee fans) *(Highest crowd in Britain!)    

  

THE TOON v BORNLEEE *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:05am bells' New Years Day 2015

Forst of aall we wish yoo aall "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and hope that it's much better than the last one we had!
We have a new man in charge today following the departure of P45DEW to Palace.
John "whey aye the pie!" Carver <(hiz new name---see article below!) and hiz 'sidekick' Steve Stone take their places on the touchline today and we wish them well against a Bornleee side that iz 'on a high' at the moment followin' their dramatic comeback @ Man City on Sunday, when they came from 2 goals doon to draw with the champions of Inglind!

We havvent played them @ St James' for 'many a year' and so not suprizingleee they have sold their full allocation of 3,000 tickets in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes' and will ne doubt be in good voice this afternoon @ '3 bells'!

The fact though that we have to gan through yet anothaa period withoot a permanent manager to replace "yee naa who", iz the latest farcical situation which we find worsels in, for the 'Yes Man' Crawlers Job!?

History lesson: We last played them @ SJP just ower 32 years ago, on 6th November 1982, when we won 3-0 with wor goals comin' from 'Special K' Keegan, Imre Varadi and Chris Waddle.
Just 20,961 were present that day includin' 'The Geordie Times' of course!
Wor forst ever meetin' with Bornleee at 'wor -place' took place 120 years ago on 2nd February 1895 in an FA Cup tie which we won 2-0 in front of an 8,000 crowd, with Tom Rendell gettin' both wor goals! <(wonder if he's still alive!?) 

Match report and pix to follow much later az per usual!

"PIE AYE THE LADS!" *** THE TOON v BORNLEY **** NEXT YEAR, "ER!", TOMORROW!"

Posted '9:45pm bells' New Years Eve 2014

John Carver's press conference after the Everton game reeely summed up wor farcical predicament! ----Didn't it!

P45DEW fails to show for the post-match press conference and asks hiz deputy to step in and 'de it'!

"I waz eatin' a pie when Alan Pardew asked me to de the press conference!"

He didn't expand on this, so wot we divvint naa and iz 'vitally' important!---IZ!---waz it a chicken pie?, waz it a mince and onion pie??, waz it a 'Dickmans' mushroom and 'taatty' pie <(with 'Bisto' gravy)???, OR! waz it in fact a 'Fray Bentos' snake and pigmy pie????---that he waz eatin'?????

"Answers on a postcard pleeeze!" to!: 'The Fat Controller', who we understand iz gettin' 'pie-eyed' in Barbados, at this very moment---"az we speeeek!"

   

P45DEW HEEDS FOR THE PALACE!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Tuesday 30th December 2014

News that Alan Pardew iz to fly the Magpies nest for the Eagles nest iz dein' the roonds in aall the papers today!

Claims that he waz driven oot by the hate mob are not far off the mark, but the fact that he will DOUBLE hiz salary @ Selhurst iz a major factor az well!

This man gans doon in wor history for aall the wrang reasons havin lost 4 derbies in a row for the forst time ever! <(That's sommik to have on your CV isn't it!)

Hiz excuses when we lost (which iz quite often!) were borderin' on the ridiculous! 
Dodgy refs, blatant hand balls, offsides, sendins off, fouls in the box and last but not least the FANS fault for not winnin a game, coz we were CHEERIN' tooo much!? <(absolutleee ridiculous!)

Wot more can we say in a year which haz seen just ONE good month, which waz in November!

Now the speculation begins az to just who will take ower the 'Yes Mans' post? <(we shall see---we shall see!?)

Watch this space!


On anothaa point, it iz claimed that we sang 'The Munich song' at Man U on Boxin' Day by some Twitter users?----We were in the middle of the away section and can tell yoo that we hord
NO SUCH CHANT WHATSOEVER!

It shud be noted that the usual 17th minutes applause for the victims of the MH17 air crash waz NOT taken up by the Man U fans!----The forst time that any of wor opponents this season haz failed to do so? <(mebeez they didn't realise just why we were clappin'?) < (We therefore, will give them the benefit of doubt!)