THE TOON 2 THE CHELSKI OAPS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:50am bells' Sunday 7th December 2014

"IT'S A LOAD OF BAALLS!, MOANRINHO!"

THE TOON KICK OFF!
(The North Sea iz on the horizon 8 miles away!)

We said yesterday that we would like to wipe the 'non smile' of Jose Mourinho's face and that's exactly wot we did az we ended 'The Invincibles' unbeaten run! <(he actually 'smiled' at the end of the match!)

Chelski started off the better of the two sides and had several chances to tek the lead az they attacked 'The Gallowgate End' orly on!
Jack Colback had the best chance for us a little later on when hiz shot waz blocked on the line and the teams went in' aall square' at half time!

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (1st half)

"PAPISS TAKIN' THE P*SS!"

Both sides had chances to score orly in the 2nd period and the deadlock waz finally broken by 'super-sub' Papiss Cisse in the 57th minute when he latched onto a Sammy Ameobi pass to score from just 3 yards oot to send the crowd into raptures!

(A'd said to 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' who sits next to me, that we had ne chance of beatin' them and just THREE seconds later Cisse scored!)

Cisse's 2nd came in the 78th minute when a cross from Sissoko foond hiz feet and he gleefully exepted hiz chance to bury the baall in the back of the net @ 'The Gallowgate End'
12mins to gan!---surely we'd won the game!?

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

But this iz NUFC! so we tried to 'push the self destruct button' when Steve Taylor needlessly got a 2nd yellow card and iz sent off in the 82nd minute. From the resultin' Chelski free kick, they score through a Drogba heeder to set the game on a knife edge!

Drogba then tried to bully Cisse into restartin' the game quickly, with wor centre forward hero havin' 'none of it' az he waved hiz arms in anger at him!
I then dropped a 'major bollock' by shoutin' praise for a great save from Rob Elliot in The Toon goal!
I then got a glarin' look from the 'old doll' who sits in front of me and she told me in no uncertain terms that it waz JAK ALWICK in wor goal and that he had replaced Elliot at half time (who had picked up an injury from a goal kick!) "HELP!"

Somehow we managed to get to the 90 minute mark when the 4th official put up SIX minutes of  'Fergie time' on hiz board, which brought howls of derision from The Toon faithful!

SEVEN? minutes of torture followed <(the ref foond anothaa minute from somewhere?) before he finally blew for full time az the roof lifted off St James'!
Chelski's unbeaten run from the start of the season waz ower---we have now beaten them THREE years in a row at home!
Who's 'invincible'?

P45DEW <(we still resorve wor judgement on him til Xmas!) said we had just beaten the best team in Europe and Moanrinho blamed the baall boys for hiz sides defeat?, az he claimed they hadn' given the baall back quick enough went it went oot of play!
UTTER TOSH! if yoo ask me and sour grapes for yoo, Jose!

We move up to 7th place in the table, just 2 points behind Man U in 4th!

"Arsenal!-Arsenal! here we come!" <(wor next game, next Saturday in London!)

Toon team: Elliot (Alwick 46) <(didn't notice he'd came on!)
Janmaat, Steve Taylor, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Sissoko, Cabella (Cisse 53), Sammy Ameobi (Williamson 83), Perez

Attendance: 52,019 (3,200 'Invincible' followers!)

And finally!  Can we just wish Gatesheed the best of luck in their FA Cup tie against Warrington which kicks off @ 'high noon bells' today and iz live on BT Sports!  <(If they get through lets hope (and pray!) we divvint draw them or Blyth in the 3rd roond draw on Monday!)>>>>>>>>>>>>

THE TOON v THE CHELSKI OAPs *** @ DINNAATIME TOOODAY!

Posted '9:50am bells' Saturday 6th December 2014

"5-1 to 'The Geordie Boys'?"

We face the dauntin' task of beatin' the current seemingleee invincible Chelski side who havvent lost a game this season so far!
The game kicks off @ '12:45 bells' and iz live on BT Sports.

It would be very nice indeed to wipe that 'non smile' of Jose Mourinho's face <(if yi see worra meeen!?) and claim the three points this afternoon!

It isn't beyond the realms of possibility that we can be the forst side to put a dent in the west Londoners armour and a white hot atmosphere iz guaranteed @ St James' Park in just a few short hours time!

History lesson: Wor forst ever meetin' with Chelski @ St James' Park occurred 107 years ago on Saturday September 14th 1907 when we won 1-0 thanx to a goal by 'one' Robert Orr, in front of a 35,000 crowd!

'Geordie Times' history: A great occasion for me az we slaughtered them 5-1 ! under the huge 150 foot high floodlights, (that yoo used to be able to see from miles away!) on a Wednesday neet, 47 lang years ago in August 1967, in front of 34,809 @ St James'

I waz in the old standin' Leazes End on that memorable neet and wor goals were scored by 'Ankle's' Bennett, Wyn (the leap) Davies (who got 2), Dave Elliott and Tommy Robson
It cost me 'half a crown' to get in (2s 6d in old money) <(12 1/2 pence today!) and the match programme waz 'a bob' (1 shilling in old money) <(5p!)

If ONLY we can repeat that result today???

And finally! Congratulations to 'The Spartans of Blyth' for their fantastic FA Cup win against 'The Monkeyhangers of Hartlepool' last neet. They came from a goal doon to spectacularly win the tie in the 90th minute!
Lets hope (and pray!) that we DIVVINT get them in the thord roond draw on Monday neet (Or 'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheed, shud they get through tomorrow!)  TWO 'banana skins' if ever there waz one! <(If yi see worra meeen!?)

Full 'Geordie Times' match report on today's Chelski game will be published online sometime tomorrow! 

NORTH EAST'S BIG 4 ON TV!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 5th December 2014

There are an unprecedented THREE live games on the telly ower the weekend featurin' the north east's BIG FOUR clubs!

The forst one iz tooneet when The Spartans of Blyth tek on The Monkey Hangers of Hartlepool in the 2nd roond of the FA Cup @ The Victoria Groond in Monkeyhangerland and this game iz live on BBC 2 @ '7:30 bells' <(me finx?)

Then!---tomorrow dinnatime WE tek on the Chelski Pensioners <(their old nickname) in the Premyaa Leegue @ St James' @ '12:45 bells' on BT Sports

We then nip one mile across the Tyne Bridge to Gatesheed Stadium on Sunday where The Heedbangers tek on Warrington Toon in the 2nd, 2nd roond tie of the weekend featurin' north east clubs.
The game kicks off @ 'high noon bells' and iz live on BT Sports
£15 for big kids*** £10 for zimmerframeites *** £8 for sprogs
This game iz AALL TICKET but they can be bought from the Gatesheed  ticket office <(where else?), today or tomorrow
NONE on sale on Sunday!?

BORNLEEE 1 THE TOON ! *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:37 am bells' Wednesday 3rd December 2014

"SOMMIK 'FISHY'S' GANNIN' ON!"

^^^^^^^ "WHO ARE YOO!???" ** "COO!-COO!"^^^^^^^

'The Magnificent Seven' of us set of from the north east in mee convorted mini bus and after a torturous jorney ower the Pennines via Ripon, Harrogate, Blubberhooses and Colne, we finally arrived at wor destination 3 hours later, which waz 'The Talbot' boozer, 10 minutes waalk from Turf Moor!

The previous neet The Toon U21s had played Blackborn U21s in Leigh and az aa waz workin' aa couldn't gan!

A series of text messages had then appeared on mee 'mobile' from a number with no name, tellin' me the score from Leigh!
"1-0 Bigiramana" waz the 1st one
"1-1 f*ck knows who scored!" waz the 2nd

Curious az to just who had sent it, I replied, "Who are you?"
"It's the secret pigeon!  I will reveal myself (not literally) in time!", came the reply?
"2-1 up---Callum Roberts!" waz the next one---and finally "Final result 3-1. Crowd unknown and the anly person I have recognised is Biffa!"---" The secret pigeon!"

Aa waz still puzzled the next day az aa waalked into 'The Talbot', where anothaa series of text messages suddenly appeared on mee 'tellin bone'!

"Put an open bag of cheese on the window where u r sittin in 'The Talbot' Coo! Coo!"
'The Secret Pigeon' waz obviousleee in the bar---but who waz he (or she)???  and then finally!  "Stop lookin' at your fone!"
It waz spooky and everyone waz a suspect!
It waz soon time to heed for the groond and we were housed in The David Fishwick Stand! (sommik 'fishy' waz definatly gannin on!)

ACTION AT THE FAR END!

The forst half waz utter cr*p from us and we went in 1-0 doon after sustained Bornleee pressure!

Anothaa message from 'The Secret Pigeon' then appeared
"Your shoelace is undone!"---and I looked doon to see the lace flappin' loose!   "HELP!" a'm bein' stalked!" aa said to Big Al who waz next to me!

Anyway we played much better in the 2nd half and equalised just after the re-start when Pappis Cisse fired a great shot home in from of the 3,000 Toon fans in 'The Fishwick', sendin' them into a crazed frenzy!

THE TOON ATTACK THE FISHWICK END!

  
A final message from 'yee naa who' then came through! "Bet u r glad u never went for a p*ss or u wud have missed the goal!"---
'secret pigeon'!"

That waz the final goal of the game az well and 1-1 waz a fair result considerin' we nevaa got oot 'of the blocks'!


"THE XMAS POST COMES EARLY IN BORNLEE!"
(thanx to Dave from York for the comment!)


And az for 'The Secret Pigeon'?---WHO THE F*CK ARE YOO????????

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Haidera, Williamson (Steve Taylor 46), Dummett, Tiote, Abeid, Gouffran, Cisse, Perez (Cabella 46) Sammy Ameobi (Riviere 75)

Attendance: 18,791 (3,000 Toon fans) <(would have been more but at £40 a ticket that's not bad!) <(sorves them reet for bein' greedy bustards!)

BORNLEEE v THE TOON *** TOONEET!

Posted '10:21am bells' Tuesday 2nd December 2014

Last neet wor resorve U21 side beat Blackborn's equivalent 3-1 @ Leigh, with wor goals comin' from Bigiramana, Roberts and Quinn in front of a 322 'crowd'

Meeenwhile, the forst team face a rare trip to Bornleee @ '8 bells' tooneet, az it's a lang lang time since we last played them @ Turf Moor in a competitive game. 31 years in fact, when we lost a 2nd Division game 1-0 in from of a 13,900 crowd!
However! we have played them there since, in a friendly match 14 years ago, when we won 1-0 with Carl Cort gettin' the anly goal of the game!

We have been allocated 4,000 places in The David Fishwick Stand--a 'stand' we inadvertently said we'd 'been in' at West Ham on Saturday!
Kick off iz @ '7:45 bells'

History lesson: Wor forst ever meetin' @ Turf Moor happened 117 years ago on 3rd October 1897 when we lost 3-0 in front of an 8,000 crowd!
We are 'neck and neck' in the 98 'head to head'  encoontaaz, with The Toon winnin' 41 times, 17 drawn games and 40 defeats in the leegue and cups

'Geordie Times' history: Wor forst visit occurred 40 years ago on 23rd November 1974 when we lost 4-1 in front of 19,523 with Stewie Barrowclough gettin' wor anly goal of the game 
(archive report from that game below---ground number 034) 

A full match report from tooneets game will appear here sometime tomorrow!

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! *** BLACKBORN U21s v THE TOON U21s @ LEIGH TOONEET!

Posted '9:50am bells' Monday 1st December 2014

For any 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' who havvent been here, wor resorve side are playin' Blackborn's @ Leigh Sports Village tooneet @ '7 bells', which iz aalso the home of Leigh Centurians Rugby Leegue Club.
The purpose built groond in the middle of ne where holds 11,000 and admission iz £4 for big kids and £2 for zimmerframeites. Under 16s FREE! 

Some of us have been here once before, ower 3 years ago, when we witnessed an '8 goal thriller'
(archive match report below *** ground number 278)

THE JELLIED EELS MOB 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:05am bells' Sunday 30th November 2014

"DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET!"----"NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED!"

A disastrous day in "eest Landan" ended wor winnin' streak of 6 games when 'Fat Sam's Jellied Eels' won the game with a very fortuitous goal indeed!

The day started off @ 'The Central' @ '7 bells' where a squad of 'Dibbles' 'greeted us'? az we attempted to gan through the ticket barrier to get onto the 'DRY' train.
One of wor company had brung a bottle of champagne and some wine glasses and waz forced to drink it on the station concourse and he handed aall of us a glass of the fizzy stuff just before we departed! <(honest!---I kid yoo not!)---and then it waz time to get the '7:20 bells' train to King's Cross 

"Any alchohol?", one 'Dibble' asked me and I replied "NO!" just a bottle of diluted orange!"
He refused to beleeeve me and checked by bag which aalso contained some beef sarnies and 2 bags of crisps! (It WAS anly orange az well--with nothin' 'added'!)

We were soon in London and caught the tube to East Ham where we heeded for wor 'local' doon here, which waz 'The Overdraft Tavern' next to the tube station!

Several liquid lubrications later and it waz time to heed for the groond which iz 20 minutes waalk from there through a park to the away end!
Some more searches by the local 'Dibble' before we went in took place in what waz deemed a 'high risk' game for 'bovver'!

Anyway!---we simply didn't get oot of the blocks az we attacked the 'Bobby Moore Stand' at the othaa end of the groond in the forst half and a cannit recall ONE shot on target from us in the entire half <(pleeeze correct me if a'm wrang!?)

The 2nd half torned oot to be a disaster az we had Sissoko sent off for 2 bookable offences and Jack Colback aalso booked meanin' that under the toppin' up procedure, <(we naa aall the big words!) he misses wor next game against Bornley on Tuesday neet az well!

Just when it looked az though the game would 'peetaa oot' into a goal-less draw a wicked deflection from a shot from a West Ham player foond the feet of Cressweell and he gleefully took hiz chance to toe poke the baall past Rob Elliot in The Toon goal.

Sissoko's sendin' off followed and with ne shots again on target in the 2nd period from us , 'The Jellied Eels Mob' took the 3 points and dented wor unbeaten run!---(we dropped from 5th to 9th in the table!)

After the match it waz back to 'The Overdraft' after dodgin' some 'Dibbles' who refused to let us gan back through the park---so we simply waalked a hundred yards up the road and went through anothaa gate to avoid them! <(ne need for this kind of hassle!)

It waz then onward to 'Farringdon' near King's Cross for the final liquid refresments before catchin' the 'DRY' train back to The Toon!

The Transport Dibbles were oot in force again at the station, searchin' everybody's bags for the dreaded 'alcohol'!

< Some of wor younger fans reeely 'took the P*SS' by offerin' the Dibbles some of their glasses of 'coke' to drink on the train!---which waz heavily laced with VODKA they had smuggled on and mixed in!
"Yi COULDN'T make it up!"

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Steve Taylor 74), Heidara, Williamson, Dummett, Colback, Tiote (Cisse 63), Gouffran (Cabella 63), Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi, Perez

Attendance: 34,977 (3,000 Toon fans in 'The Clever Trevor (Brooking) Stand'!)   

  

THE JELLIED EELS MOB v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Friday 28th November 2014

YOHAN CABAYE FIRES WOR 3rd GOAL HOME LAST SEASON (NUFC WON 3-1)
(Sorry aboot the blurred pic, but a'd had a bit to drink by this time!)

Tomorrow we heed for "Landan's eeest end" where we take on 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham @ The Boleyn Groond!

Aall 3,000 places allocated behind 'The David Fishwick Stand'? <(nevaa knew they had a player called 'Fishwick?---Soonds a bit 'fishy' to me?) have been sold, ensurin' a canny atmosphere come '3 bells'!

News that the trains are aall 'dry' both DOON and BACK from King's Cross for this game haz been conformed by the Transport Dibble, az the fixture iz regarded az 'Category B' for 'Bovver'!

This stems from wor pre season in Jawmany when both the eest Landan mob and 'us' played in the Schalke Tournament, when there waz a bit "bovver" between the two sets of fans!

Anyway!--we'll just have to abstain from the 'hootch' for 3 hours, before heedin' for 'The Overdraft' boozer in East Ham for wor liquid luncheon, which iz aboot a 20 minute waalk from the ground

We are gannin for wor SEVENTH win 'on the boonce', while the home side are flyin' high az well under the guidance of 'Big Fat Sam'

History lesson: NUFCs 1st ever visit to Upton Park took place 105 years ago when we drew 0-0 in an FA Cup tie in front of 17,000 in February 1909 (NUFC won the replay 2-1)
We have played them 125 times in Leegue and cups and have won 50, drawn 37 and lost 38 times.
'The Geordie Times' 1st visit happened 45 years ago in March 1969, when we lost 3-1
(Archive match report on that game below!---ground number 009)

A full Geordie Times match report from 'tomorrow's' game will appear here az per usual sometime on Sunday!  

"WE BRING YOO AALL THE NEWS SECOND HAND, FORST!"

Posted '1:18pm bells' Thorsday 27th November 2014

MOSS LANE, ALTRINCHAM <<<("AT LAST!!!")

"GEORDIE TIMES NEWSFLASH!"

Due to the wonders of modern technology we have just received the match pix from last Friday when wor U18s played Man Us equivalent @ Altrincham!

Adam (without aunt) who 'groundhopped' to this game, promised to send them to 'The Geordie Times' by electronic transfor from hiz laptop (E mail!) az soon az he got back---and the excitin' news IZ!---we have just got them this very minute!

When yi consider that Adam (without aunt) anly lives SIX miles from me, then aa'll think you'll agree, that to anly tek SIX DAYS for the E mail to get here, iz a marvellous and wonderous achievement!? <("ER!" it would have been quicker if he'd crawled here on hiz hands and knees ower broken glass!!!)

Remember wor motto:? "We bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!"---(or iz it "second hand, forst???)

A 'DRY' SENSE OF HUMOUR!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 26th November 2014

"EMPTY'S PLENTY!"

"RUNNIN' ON EMPTY!"

Anyone plannin' on a 'liquid lubrication breakfast' on the train doon to West Ham on Saturday had better think again!
In conjunction with the 'British Transport Dibbles', 'East Coast Trains' have announced that there will be NE ALCOHOL allowed on trains TO and back FROM King's Cross on Saturday!

They reeely de like to try and spoil wor day!------divvint they!?------ and we are just wonderin' that 'The Dibble' might just follow us off the train and stop us enterin' any boozer en route to Upton Park! <(DIVVINT bet against it!)

Just why they have put this new restriction upon us iz anybodys guess??? (az we are AALL ower 18 < just!)  and we plan to sneak away when they are not lookin' and heed for 'East Ham' and 'The Overdraft' boozer in particular! <("Er!"---hope they divvint reeed this---or we are in deep trouble!)
Aall  3,000 away tickets have been sold at the ridiculous price of £43 and we will update yoo on any forthaa 'spoiling' developments later in the week!