THE JELLIED EELS MOB 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:05am bells' Sunday 30th November 2014

"DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET!"----"NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED!"

A disastrous day in "eest Landan" ended wor winnin' streak of 6 games when 'Fat Sam's Jellied Eels' won the game with a very fortuitous goal indeed!

The day started off @ 'The Central' @ '7 bells' where a squad of 'Dibbles' 'greeted us'? az we attempted to gan through the ticket barrier to get onto the 'DRY' train.
One of wor company had brung a bottle of champagne and some wine glasses and waz forced to drink it on the station concourse and he handed aall of us a glass of the fizzy stuff just before we departed! <(honest!---I kid yoo not!)---and then it waz time to get the '7:20 bells' train to King's Cross 

"Any alchohol?", one 'Dibble' asked me and I replied "NO!" just a bottle of diluted orange!"
He refused to beleeeve me and checked by bag which aalso contained some beef sarnies and 2 bags of crisps! (It WAS anly orange az well--with nothin' 'added'!)

We were soon in London and caught the tube to East Ham where we heeded for wor 'local' doon here, which waz 'The Overdraft Tavern' next to the tube station!

Several liquid lubrications later and it waz time to heed for the groond which iz 20 minutes waalk from there through a park to the away end!
Some more searches by the local 'Dibble' before we went in took place in what waz deemed a 'high risk' game for 'bovver'!

Anyway!---we simply didn't get oot of the blocks az we attacked the 'Bobby Moore Stand' at the othaa end of the groond in the forst half and a cannit recall ONE shot on target from us in the entire half <(pleeeze correct me if a'm wrang!?)

The 2nd half torned oot to be a disaster az we had Sissoko sent off for 2 bookable offences and Jack Colback aalso booked meanin' that under the toppin' up procedure, <(we naa aall the big words!) he misses wor next game against Bornley on Tuesday neet az well!

Just when it looked az though the game would 'peetaa oot' into a goal-less draw a wicked deflection from a shot from a West Ham player foond the feet of Cressweell and he gleefully took hiz chance to toe poke the baall past Rob Elliot in The Toon goal.

Sissoko's sendin' off followed and with ne shots again on target in the 2nd period from us , 'The Jellied Eels Mob' took the 3 points and dented wor unbeaten run!---(we dropped from 5th to 9th in the table!)

After the match it waz back to 'The Overdraft' after dodgin' some 'Dibbles' who refused to let us gan back through the park---so we simply waalked a hundred yards up the road and went through anothaa gate to avoid them! <(ne need for this kind of hassle!)

It waz then onward to 'Farringdon' near King's Cross for the final liquid refresments before catchin' the 'DRY' train back to The Toon!

The Transport Dibbles were oot in force again at the station, searchin' everybody's bags for the dreaded 'alcohol'!

< Some of wor younger fans reeely 'took the P*SS' by offerin' the Dibbles some of their glasses of 'coke' to drink on the train!---which waz heavily laced with VODKA they had smuggled on and mixed in!
"Yi COULDN'T make it up!"

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Steve Taylor 74), Heidara, Williamson, Dummett, Colback, Tiote (Cisse 63), Gouffran (Cabella 63), Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi, Perez

Attendance: 34,977 (3,000 Toon fans in 'The Clever Trevor (Brooking) Stand'!)   

  

THE JELLIED EELS MOB v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Friday 28th November 2014

YOHAN CABAYE FIRES WOR 3rd GOAL HOME LAST SEASON (NUFC WON 3-1)
(Sorry aboot the blurred pic, but a'd had a bit to drink by this time!)

Tomorrow we heed for "Landan's eeest end" where we take on 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham @ The Boleyn Groond!

Aall 3,000 places allocated behind 'The David Fishwick Stand'? <(nevaa knew they had a player called 'Fishwick?---Soonds a bit 'fishy' to me?) have been sold, ensurin' a canny atmosphere come '3 bells'!

News that the trains are aall 'dry' both DOON and BACK from King's Cross for this game haz been conformed by the Transport Dibble, az the fixture iz regarded az 'Category B' for 'Bovver'!

This stems from wor pre season in Jawmany when both the eest Landan mob and 'us' played in the Schalke Tournament, when there waz a bit "bovver" between the two sets of fans!

Anyway!--we'll just have to abstain from the 'hootch' for 3 hours, before heedin' for 'The Overdraft' boozer in East Ham for wor liquid luncheon, which iz aboot a 20 minute waalk from the ground

We are gannin for wor SEVENTH win 'on the boonce', while the home side are flyin' high az well under the guidance of 'Big Fat Sam'

History lesson: NUFCs 1st ever visit to Upton Park took place 105 years ago when we drew 0-0 in an FA Cup tie in front of 17,000 in February 1909 (NUFC won the replay 2-1)
We have played them 125 times in Leegue and cups and have won 50, drawn 37 and lost 38 times.
'The Geordie Times' 1st visit happened 45 years ago in March 1969, when we lost 3-1
(Archive match report on that game below!---ground number 009)

A full Geordie Times match report from 'tomorrow's' game will appear here az per usual sometime on Sunday!  

"WE BRING YOO AALL THE NEWS SECOND HAND, FORST!"

Posted '1:18pm bells' Thorsday 27th November 2014

MOSS LANE, ALTRINCHAM <<<("AT LAST!!!")

"GEORDIE TIMES NEWSFLASH!"

Due to the wonders of modern technology we have just received the match pix from last Friday when wor U18s played Man Us equivalent @ Altrincham!

Adam (without aunt) who 'groundhopped' to this game, promised to send them to 'The Geordie Times' by electronic transfor from hiz laptop (E mail!) az soon az he got back---and the excitin' news IZ!---we have just got them this very minute!

When yi consider that Adam (without aunt) anly lives SIX miles from me, then aa'll think you'll agree, that to anly tek SIX DAYS for the E mail to get here, iz a marvellous and wonderous achievement!? <("ER!" it would have been quicker if he'd crawled here on hiz hands and knees ower broken glass!!!)

Remember wor motto:? "We bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!"---(or iz it "second hand, forst???)

A 'DRY' SENSE OF HUMOUR!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 26th November 2014

"EMPTY'S PLENTY!"

"RUNNIN' ON EMPTY!"

Anyone plannin' on a 'liquid lubrication breakfast' on the train doon to West Ham on Saturday had better think again!
In conjunction with the 'British Transport Dibbles', 'East Coast Trains' have announced that there will be NE ALCOHOL allowed on trains TO and back FROM King's Cross on Saturday!

They reeely de like to try and spoil wor day!------divvint they!?------ and we are just wonderin' that 'The Dibble' might just follow us off the train and stop us enterin' any boozer en route to Upton Park! <(DIVVINT bet against it!)

Just why they have put this new restriction upon us iz anybodys guess??? (az we are AALL ower 18 < just!)  and we plan to sneak away when they are not lookin' and heed for 'East Ham' and 'The Overdraft' boozer in particular! <("Er!"---hope they divvint reeed this---or we are in deep trouble!)
Aall  3,000 away tickets have been sold at the ridiculous price of £43 and we will update yoo on any forthaa 'spoiling' developments later in the week!

THE TOON U21s v CREWE ALEX U21s *** TOONEET!

Posted '10:17am bells' Monday 24th November

ACTION ORLIER THIS SEASON @ BLUE FLAMES
 (U21s v READING U21s)

Tooneet @ Blue Flames in Benton (aka Whitley Park), wor resorves have a mouth waaterin' cup tie against Crewe Alexandra? in the U21 Premier Leegue Cup!
Just how Crewe are in the U21 Premier Leegue iz anybodys guess? az of course their forst team languish in the lower reaches of the Futbaall Leegue <(where they have aalways been!) 

Get there orly to avoid 'the crush' az a crowd of 200 plus iz expected! 
The tie will be settled on the neet with extra time and penalties if necessary!
Kick off iz @ '7 bells' and admission iz FREE to season ticket holders and members

Updated Tuesday:

The Toon progressed to the next stage of the competition by defeatin' 'The Alex' 2-1 in front of a 317 'crowd'

Callum Roberts and Tom Heardman scored wor goals with Heardman's comin' in extra time to win the tie and put us in the last 16!

THE TOON 1 'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG & BONE MEN RANGERS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:27am bells' Sunday 23rd November 2014

"Sissok-go!---It's SIX in a row!"

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END

This game waz 2nd last on 'Match of the Day' last neet which tells yoo just how good the game waz! (The mackems were on last!)

We started off well az we attacked 'The Leazes' and aalmost went aheed in the very forst minute when QPR goalie Green wellied a baall, which hit Colback and nearly rebounded into the net!

The rest of the half waz a bit dour with the visitors happy to gan in at the break on level terms!


LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE EAST STAND


An injury scare for Ryan Taylor waz the most worryin' point for us in the forst period and he waz forced to come off in tears in the 34th minute after his forst start for 993 days!

The 2nd half wasn't much better and with a goal-less draw loomin', up stepped 'The Sissoko Kid' to fire home an unstoppable shot from inside the area @ 'The Gallowgate' to send the 50,000 Geordies inside St James' crazy with delight!

There waz ne way back for 'The Rag & Bone Men' from Shepherd's Bush <(BBC comedy duo from the 1960s 'Steptoe & Son' came from here!) and we ran oot one-nil winners and recorded wor FIFTH leegue win in a row and SIXTH in aall competitions!

We amazingly climbed briefly to a 'Champions Leegue' position (4th) but MAN Us win @ 'The Arse' later on, knocked us back doon to 5th!

ACTION AT THE LEAZES END

Afterwards we foond oot that Ryan Taylor's injury wasn't az bad az we'd thought and he came off az a precaution az hiz knee felt 'a bit dodgy'! <(we wish him well!)

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Dummett, Haidera, Ryan Taylor (Gouffran 34), Sissoko, Colback, Cabella (Cisse 68), Perez (Armstrong 89) , Sammy Ameobi

Attendance: 51,915 (inc my great nephew 'Dan from Darlo') (1,400 or so QPR)

                                      
(2nd highest attendance in the UK behind 'The Arse')

SOME QPR FANS OOTSIDE ST JAMES' PARK!

*
Wor stats for the season so far are quite impressive actually.
In the Premya Leegue and Leegue Cup oot of 15 games played so far, we have won 8 *** drawn 4 *** and lost just 3 !

P45DEW?---we still resorve wor judgement til after Xmas az we still have to play Chelski, 'The Arse', Sporz, 'The SMBs', and Man U!

THE TOON v 'APPY 'ARRY's RAG & BONE MEN RANGERS *** TOODAY @ '3 BELLS'

Posted '10:19am bells' Saturday 22nd November 2014

THE LAST TIME WE MET***
THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END

After a fortneets break we are back in action against QPR @ St James' this afternoon

We understand that ower 50,000 tickets have been sold so far and a 'selloot' looks on the cards (not sure just how many wor visitors have sold?)

We are gannin for wor SIXTH! win on the boonce against lowly QPR--but this iz NUFC of course and anythin' can happen!!!???

History: The last time we met @ SJP we won 1-0 with Shola Ameobi gettin' the anly goal of the game in the 2012-2013 season in front of a 50,180 crowd (900 QPR).

Wor forst EVER meetin' took place az recently az 1968 @ SJP where we won 3-2 in front of a 35,000 plus crowd in an old  forst Division match. <(now Premyaa Leegue!)
Wor goal scorers were Ollie Burton, Keith Dyson and Tommy Gibb and 'The Geordie Times' waz there!

In total we have played the "west Landaners" 46 times, winnin' 22, drawin' 8 and losin' 16!   Goals for 66---goals against 67

A full and compreeehesive 'Geordie Times' match report and pix will appear here sometime tomorrow!

MANC MUPPETS U18s 2 THE TOON U18s 0

Posted '9:47am bells' Saturday 22nd November 2014

On a rainy neet in the Manchester suburbs <(wot else in Manchester!?) the Toon U18s succumbed to Man Us equivalent and lost 2-0.
3 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers made the trip, namely 'Michael the Mag', Adam (minus hiz aunt!) and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer'! And they sent 'The Geordie Times' a compreeehensive match report and pix for yoo to enjoy?

"A goal each side of the break from Marcus Rashford condemned The Toon to defeat in front of 433 @ Moss Road, Altrincham last neet!" <(end of 'compreeehensive' match report!?)

And az for the 'pix'??? <(they forgot to send them!---they are sacked!!!!)

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS!

Updated '12:30pm bells' Friday 21st November 2014

Wor U18s game against Man U U18s toooneet haz been confirmed and will be played @ Moss Lane, Altrincham and NOT Man Us trainin' groond @ Carrington ,az haz been wrongly reported in various publications!

Kick off iz @ '7 bells' in this Under 18s Premyaa Leegue game!

Most of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' <(inc little ol' me!) have been here before, and therefore won't be gannin', but the likes of 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and 'Michael the Mag' havvent and they will be makin' the trek ower the M62 sometime this afternoon to tick 'this one' 'off their list'! <(the traffic iz terrible on the M62 on a Friday afternoon!---so best of luck to them!)

(PS: A mad-sad groundhoppers archive match report from 'The Geordie Times'z visit here 10 years ago, when NUFC resorves played Man U resorves, iz printed below!)
(ground number 233) 

233 moss lane altrincham

(GROUND NUMBER 233)

Date of First Visit: 21^st APRIL 2004

MOSS LANE, ALTRINCHAM

MANCHESTER UNITED RESERVES  2

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES  1  (Ferrell)

BARCLAYCARD PREMIERSHIP RESERVE LEAGUE (NORTH)

ATTENDANCE 333

 

“WHEN WILL WE EVER LEARN!?”

 

Ah had nee choice if ah wanted tih gan tih this one but tih tek a day off graft az ah waz offered some work deliverin’ goods tih Cheshire and Manchester (of aall places!) forCarters Express’.

Az we were actually playin’ in the Manchester area it waz temptin’ tih tek thework and ‘park up’ for the neet in Altrincham.

 

However!---because they needed the truck back for orly the next day, it waz ‘oot of the question’ and it would’iv meant missin’ the match az there would’nt be enough time tih drive back doon.

(Plus it would’iv meant iz drivin’ ower six hundred miles and passin’ ‘The ‘M62’ Farmhoose’, fower times in one day!----(It waz just TOO! much tih contemplate!)

And so (‘it came to pass’!) ah blew yet another days graft tih watch the resorves play on a new groond.

 

A’d picked ‘Biffa’ up on the way at Garforth station (he’d been workin’ in York) and just the two of us heeded for Moss Lane, the home of Altrincham and Man Utd resorves.

The King George booza just doon the road from the groond waz wor forst ‘port ‘o’ caall’ when we arrived there.

Amazingly, ‘The Undertaker’ had decided tih give this one ‘a miss’ az he waz runnin’ out of lou days from graft and said that he’d ‘catch up’ when we played there the followin’ season.

 

Afta a couple of gargels wih heeded for the groond and surprizingly, (considerin’ it was’nt too far from Manchester) there were very few fans inside the groond when we got there?

 

Az the match kicked off the were bearly 300 spectators present and this total (az usual) included quite a few Toon fans, most of them of course livin’ in the area!

‘Glen from Ashington’ then made an appearance and  he waz the anly ‘saddo’ apart from me and ‘Biffa’ who had travelled doon from the north east.

(This waz aalso ‘Biffas’ 100^th Toon game of the season!)

 

We were waalkin’ aroond the groond tih get a good vantage point when Man U struck the forst blow.

With bearly thorty secs on the clock, ‘one’ Chris Eagles had a shot which ‘flew’ (sic!) intih the Toon net!----NOT! a good start!

 

That torned out tih be the anly score in the forst period, which tih be porfectly ‘blunt’ (and mee surname is ‘Sharp’)  waz total CR**!

 

At half time, Altrincham did a presentation to some Man U directors az this (the loudspeaker announcer announced) waz the last time that the Old Trafford second string would be playin’ there!

(Or waz it ManU deein a presentation tih Altrincham???)

Wait til ‘The Undertaker’ finds THIS! oot ah thought!---remember!--- he’d said that he’d dee this groond the next season! (OH! NO HE WON’T!)

 

ANYWAY!---the second half waz just az cr** az the forst and The Toon went fortha behind with twenty mins tih gan when Ramage in the Newcastle defence gave away a penalty.

Eagles took the pen and it ‘soared’ intih the top corner! (double sic!)

 

‘SICK’!----you’re not kiddin’, and it made us wonder just why we bother with theeze games (once again!)

 

Just before full time Andy Ferrell gave us sommik tih cheer when he scored with a fine solo effort!, but it waz aall much too late and aboot a minute later the ref blew for full time.

 

Aa  gave Glen a lift back in mee ‘limo’ and az wih past the ‘M62’ farmhoose the farmers wife waz busy

draa-in  hor bedroom curtains, ready for a bit ‘shut-eye’! (or sh**???)