THE P*SS POTTERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '12:28pm bells' Sunday 13th April 2014



THE SOOTH STAND VISITORS SECTION
(View from row 26 , seat <(standin' place!) 901 !

Wot can we say aboot yet anothaa aaaful performance from NUFC?
A fluke goal won it for the home team but that shouldn't detract from anothaa defeat az wor season continues to 'implode'!
Wor top goalscorer Loic Remy waz again missin' and with 'Shola 'no goals' Ameobi' up front, we just aall knew that withoot Remy in wor side, we just cannot 'hack it'!

For the forst time 'anti Pardew chants' could be hord from the visitors section and there were aalso a couple of banners unfurled caallin' for hiz heed! <(but NOT for hiz heedbutt!)

SOMEWHERE TO 'TRAIN' WOR THOUGHTS!

Before the match we heeded for a different location for the pre match 'gargels' az last season we were forced to drink oot of drastic plastic pots in a boozer some 25 minutes walk from 'The Britannia Stadium!

This time it waz a 20 minute waalk on the othaa side of the groond in a boozer caalled 'The Locomotive' where we were the anly Toon fans in the bar!
The locals were friendly enough and more importantly we got to drink oot of propaa glasses for a change! <(a 'propaa pub' in Stoke!)

THE LOCOMOTIVE 'TROPHY TRAIL!'

Az for the match---and playin' in wor 'lucky'? Brazil strip, we again 'went through the motions' with Stoke makin' the most of wor ineptitude <(we naa aall the big words!)

Lanky 'bean pole' Peter Crouch <(hiz 'figure' reminds me of a car's dipstick!) heeded against wor post in the 9th minute, but luckily for us it rebounded oot to safety, but wor 'luck' waz aboot to run oot!

The anly goal of the game came when a intended cross from 'The P*ss Potts' striker Erik Pieters, deceived Tim Krul and the baall floated into the top corner of the net in front of the Toon fans, just before the interval!

Az we had hardly had any efforts on goal up til this point most Toon fans concluded that there waz ne way back!---and that of course proved to be the case in the 2nd half az we tried in vain to break doon the home defence!
A double substitution in the 73rd minute when (a rather tubby!) Ben Arfa and (slim Jim!) Adam Armstrong replaced the ineffective Gosling and Cisse, made absolutely ne difference az we 'plodded on aimlessly' til full time!  


"ER!"---YI'LL HAVE TI TORN YI COMPUTAA SIDEWAYS TO VIEW THIS
 AZ AA CANNIT TORN THE PICTURE THE REET WAY UP!?"


That's 4 (FOWER!) defeats in a row now, with 12 goals conceded and NONE scored!---it's just az well we are safe in 9th place in the table---isn't it just!?

Toon team: Krul, Steve Taylor (Yanga 61), Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Anita, Tiote, Gosling (Ben Arfa 73), Gouffran, Cisse (Armstrong 73), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: 27,400 (2,900 P*st off Toon fans!) (0 NUFC board members?) (In the photo below note the block of empty red seats in the Stoke directors box (above and to the left of the red 'STOKE CITY FOOTBALL CLUB' sign) This iz where the NUFC hiararcy shud have been sittin', but were conspicuous by their absence!---who says they divvint care!!!???

  

THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON

Posted '12:17pm bells' Friday 11th April 2014

Tomorrow afternoon we heed ower the 'M62' and doon the 'M6' to sample the 'delights'? of Stoke on Trent!

A'm workin' neetshift again toneet doon to the Bormingham area and wont finish til at least '3:30am bells' in the mornin'!-----After (hopefully!) aboot three hours kip "ZZZZzzzz!!!!" a'll be up and on the road again, passin Wetherby racecourse on the southbound 'A1' a few hours after passin' it northwards!

The boozer we normally gan in beforehand iz a good 20 minute waalk from the groond with 'drastic plastic pots' to drink wor 'liquid lubrication' from!
This iz just one of just a handful of boozers anywhere near Stoke's groond<(makes yoo glad yoo live and drink in a place with ower 100 boozers within 20 minutes of St James'---doesn't it!?)

The bad news iz  Toon team will again be depleted with top scorer Remy missin' for the sixth consecutive game alang with Debuchy and 'The Sissoko Kid'.
Ne news yet az to wethaa Gouffran and Sammy Ameobi will play eethaa!

A full match and 'liquid lubrication location' report <(from wor ONE and ANLY pre-match boozer!) will appear here sometime on Sunday az per usual!---az ever!---watch this space!!!    

THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** SATURDAY AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:27pm bells' Thorsday 10th April 2014

THE VICTORIA GROOND *** AZ IT LOOKED IN 1971

On Saturday we heed for 'The Potteries' ower the M62 motorway and doon the M6.
It waz so much a different story way back in 1971 when there were hardly any motorways and yoo had to travel through towns and city centres to get to your destination!

A'v dug up this 'classic' from mee forst ever visit to Stoke some 43 years ago when aa nearly got done for speedin' in Huddersfield!

It's a true story (like they aall are!) from 'The Geordie Times' archive---'ground number 18' (see below!)

A full match preview of Saturday's game will appear here tomorrow ---sometime!

018 victoria ground stoke

(GROUND NUMBER 18)

Date of First Visit: 27th NOVEMBER 1971

THE VICTORIA GROUND, STOKE ON TRENT

 

STOKE CITY  3 

NEWCASTLE UNITED  3  (MacDonald (2), Craig)

(OLD) DIVISION ONE)

ATTENDANCE 16,855  (2,000 or so Toon fans)

 

 

"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GEORDIELAND, SON!

BUT WE'VE GOT SPEED LIMITS IN HUDDERSFIELD!"

 

This match was played in the days before the likes of the M62 motorway was built. (Aye!---it was a lang time ago!)

Aa was seventeen at the time and had an aad Morris Minor 1000, which a'd bought off mee faatha after a'd passed mee drivin' test three months orlier.

 

Ah decided tih give the car a 'spin' and drove doon with three of mee mates. One was caalled 'Punter the Hunter' (he comes from Lobley Hill!), Dylan and the other was a kidda who went by the name of 'Yuk'! (where DID they get their names from in them dayz?--'Fink'  iz a far more 'civilised' 'monicer'!----divvint yee thinx???)

 

Because the 'said' M62 did'nt exist, wih had tih drive through the likes of Leeds, Huddersfield and Manchester on the ‘A62’  tih get to the 'Potteries'.

On the way through Huddersfield, ah was stopped for speedin' by an ower zelious traffic cop and like a scene from 'Z Cars' (a popular cop TV series of the 60s and 70s), the conversation went sommik like this:

 

Officer Dibble (leanin' through mee car window): "WHERE ARE YOU GOING, SON?".

"WIH GANNIN TIH STOKE!", aa replied (leanin' on the steerin' wheel)

Officer Dibble (notepad and pencil at the ready): "WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?".

"NEWCASIL!---WHY DEE YIH WANNA NAA?---LIKE?", Aa said with a puzzled look on mee face!?.

Officer Dibble: "WHAT!---NEWCASTLE UNDER LYME?". (Near Stoke)

"NO!---NO!------NEWCASIL, GEORDIELAND!", said 'I', deadly seriously!

 

After a lang pause, and a scratch of the heed, he just looked at iz, and said in a exaspirated voice,

"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GEORDIELAND, SON!---BUT WE'VE GOT SPEED LIMITS IN HUDDERSFIELD!".

He lerriz off with a warnin', that he'd 'DO ME' if he caught iz speedin' again!.

From then on ah stuck RIGIDLY! tih the speed limit!, aall the way tih Stoke, checkin’ mee rear view mirror every few seconds!

                                             

After negotiatin’ the one way system in Manchester city centre we (eventually!) arrived in Stoke and parked up in a cobbled street in the shadow of the floodlights. 

The Victoria Ground at that time was the oldest League groond in the world (Stoke had played there since 1878) and their groond back in 1971 it has tih be said, was one of the better ones, with cover on three sides.

‘Yuk’ and ‘Punter’ had had a few bottles of ‘dog’ and tins of  ‘McEwans lager’ on the way doon and with their heeds ‘aspinnin’, they decided to gan in the Stoke ‘hard end’ by themsels!   ‘Little old sober me’ and Dylan ‘opted oot’ and stayed in the main stand paddock instead where a few other Toon fans were situated! 

The match itself was a 'ding dong affair', with the Toon comin'  back from a three-one doon, tih draw 'three's a piece', with two goals from 'Supermac' (who else?) and one from full back Davy Craig.

A'd escaped an endorsement and a speedin' fine, and the Toon had escaped with a point!. (Very satisfactory!)

                                            

On the return journey yem, passin' through Huddersfield, (deein' aboot twenty miles an hour!) ah kept a 'very wary' eye oot for 'Officer Dibble', but he was nee where tih be seen!. (Thank God!)

"GEORDIELAND--GEORDIELAND, HERE WE COME!"

                                            

Footnote:

Sadly---(in my humble opinion!) Stoke, decided tih move to a new groond in 1997, a few hundred yards away from their aad one, thus givin' the title of the worlds oldest League groond tih Dumbarton, (of aal places!) who've played at Boghead Park since 1879.

"IT'S A SELLOOT! *** IT'S A SELLOOT! *** IT'S A SELLOOT!"

Posted '1:41pm bells' Wednesday 9th April 2014

News that wor last 3 away games of the season are now completlee selt oot, haz reached 'The Geordie Times' newsdesk!

For wor game against 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke on Saturday we will have the backin' of 2,900 fans in 'The Sooth Stand', while @ 'The Arse' on the last Monday of this month we will have 1,800 in 'The Clock Stand' <(we must have taken wor minimum allocation for this?)

Then!--on the final day of the season we will have 2,800 in 'The Anfield Road End' when we travel to play 'The Liverbirds' on Sunday May 11th (tickets still to be sent oot!)

Tomorrow we will be reviewin' wor trip to 'The Potteries' on Saturday---wor 2nd worst away trip of the season behind the SMBs! (drastic plastic glasses!---lang waalks to groond, which iz in the middle of newhere from the very few cr*p boozers! red and white striped opponents! and a horrible 'flat-pack' groond! surroonded by duel carriageways, which iz very similar to 'The Smellnet Stadium' in 'Smoggieland'! (etc! etc! etc!)

NUFC NEW MD

Posted '2:03pm bells' Tuesday 8th April 2014

'THE FAT CONTROLLER'S' WALLET! 

News that we have a new MD haz shocked the futbaall world!
Lee Charnley? iz hiz name and he takes ower from 'Llambs to the Slaughter' who resigned last Joon in the wake of JoeK in Your Ears' appointment az 'Director of Fools'!

Az we aall naa, we need at least SIX new player to survive in the Premyaa Leegue next season and Charnley haz issued this rathaa worryin' statement!

"Our immediate priority of course iz to finish this season as strongly as possible!" (last 3 results 0-3,0-4,0-4!)

"Our minimum target is a top TEN finish!" <(WOW! we are NINTH at the mo!---just!)

"Looking ahead to future seasons our primary focus will be (survival in) the Premier League!" <(so forget aboot 'the cups' and Europe!)

"We will continue to operate in a financially stringent manner and live within our means and we will continue to be prudent in our transfer dealings!" <(on loan players and free transfors!)

"We don't look at the transfer windows in isolation, but rather as a full trading year!" <(whatever that's supposed to mean?)

"Our average attendance for League games so far this season is more than 50,000, making us the THIRD best supported club in England!" <(so why? oh why?? can we NOT compete with the top SEVEN teams in 'The Premyaa'?????????????????)

"Our intention for the first team is to sign ONE or TWO players PER YEAR to strengthen the squad!" <(SEE WOT WE THINK ABOVE!)

We may well be roaring with laughter at the mackems at the moment, at their current predicament!---but divvint laugh tooo lang!, az withoot major surgery to wor team, we could well be joinin' them in 'The Championship' the season after next! <(DIVVINT SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOO!)

"USA AALL THE WAY!"

Posted '10:15 am bells' Monday 7th April 2014

Before the Man U game, one of the lads torned up in 'Pleased to Meet You' <(it's the name of a boozer in High Bridge!) in a Tee shirt sent to him by Joe Cirelli who comes from Baltimore in the USA.

He'd met Joe at a home game a couple of years ago and then at Everton this season. He'd had a few 'liquid lubrications' with him and Joe kindly sent him (and others) the local Toon Tee shirt!

(He WASN'T smilin' after the game!---by the way!)

 

THE TOON 0 MOYZEEZ MANC MUPPETS 4 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 6th April 2014

'THE TOON' ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
(VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY)

"OH DEAR! WOT CAN THE 'MATA' BE?"

Yet anothaa abject performance in front of 52,000 plus waz a sad but predictable outcome az 'The Manc Muppets' cruised to an eazy victory @ St James' Park.
Their forst goal shud nevaa have been though, az the free kick given to the visitors not lang before the break waz under 'false pretences' az  Darren Fletcher clearly dived under the challenge from Dan Gosling!
The resultin' free kick by Mata beat Rob Elliot at the near post and withoot anybody in wor side capable of scorin' due to the absence, once again of Loic Remy (hiz 5th game missin' in a row!) there waz ne way back! (De Jong, ne goals so far since he signed in January, Cisse,1 goal in open play this season and super sub? Shola, ne goals so far this season!)

TOON ACTION? @ THE LEAZES END
Cisse heeds just ower the bar in a rare Toon attack!
("Tut tut baaldy nut!")

The Muppets doubled their lead not lang after the restart when a blunder by 'Fab' Coloccini let in Mata to score hiz 2nd goal of the game!
It waz then just a 'MATA' <(sic!)of "how many?" for the visitors az wor heeds went doon!
Hernandez added a 3rd at the mid point of the half with a chance that you or I could have scored and at this point wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' had 'had enough' and made a 'beleaguered' exit, alang with 'half' of the crowd!

The final nail in the coffin came when Januzaj convorted anothaa simple chance in stoppage time!

Just where do we gan from here?--we ask worselves??
It's a very good job that we have enough points on board to avoid relegation--az that's the kind of 'form' we have shown in the last 11 days!  0-3, 0-4 and 0-4!

Put it this way!---if 'The Fat Controller' doesn't put hiz hand in hiz pocket in the next transfor window, then the 'R' word iz a certainty next season!

Toon team: Elliot, Santon, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidara, Anita, Gosling, Tiote, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi 85) <(wot waz the point in that?), De Jong (Ben Arfa 61), Cisse

Attendance: 52,081 (3,000 Muppets in 'The Leazes')  

THE TOON v MOYZEEZ MANC MUPPETS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:52pm bells' Friday 4th April 2014

THE TOON PLAYERS CELEBRATE WOR FAMOUS 1-0  VICTORY
IN FRONT OF THE JUBULANT TOON FANS  
@ 'THE THEATRE OF MUPPETS' ORLIER THIS SEASON!

"83 YEARS OF HURT!"

Next up iz a game against Moyzeez Muppets @ St James' tomoorow afternoon with a very unusual '3 bells' kick off time!
Unusual because we are normally on the telly when we play them, but we are not complainin'!

Again top scorer Loic Remy will be missin' from wor line up which iz very bad news az we carnt seem to score withoot him!
Krul, Debuchy and 'The Sissoko Kid' are aalso missin', so it's just az well we have enough points on board in the safety zone!

We can anly hope that we divvint put in anothaa dismal performance like last weeks surrender @ St Mary's in Sooothampton---but this iz NUFC of course and anything can happen!---especially az Moyzee 'The Chosen One' isn't exactly flavour of the month in London/Dublin/Cardiff/and in the skies ower 'The Theatre of Muppets'!!!

We are lookin' for wor forst double ower Man U since 1930-1931! WHEN we won by the incredible score of 7-4 @ Old Trafford in front of---wait for it!---just 7,000 spectators on September 13th 1930!
For the record, Cape got a hat-trick and Starling scored 2 with wor othaa goals comin' from Lindsey and J.R. Richardson! <(remember him???)

The retorn game @ St James' waz played in front of a 20,000 crowd when we won 4-3 with Bedford (2), Boyd, Hutchinson and an own goal, givin' us wor last double ower them on January 17th 1931! ---for an ELEVEN-SEVEN aggregate score, ower the two games, ne less!

A full match report will of course appear here sometime on Sunday---"See yoo then!"

"JAWMANY CALLING!" **** "NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!"

Updated '2:00pm bells' Thorsday 3rd April 2014

"ATTENTION AALL NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!"

'The Toon' have annoonced two pre-season friendlies in Jawmany on the weekend of 2nd and 3rd of August in a fower team tournament, aalso involvin' Schalke 04 of Jawmany, Malaga of Spain and one other unnamed team!
The city of Gelsenkirchen will host the games in the 'Veltins Arena' which iz the home of Schalke 04!
Opened in 2001 the magnificent stadium haz a retractable roof and can hold 62,000 and waz host to the 2004 Champions Leegue final, az well az 5 matches in the 2006 World Cup finals (includin' England's defeat by Portugal on penalties!)

NOTE THE STANDIN' TERRACES!

Details are eagerly awaited on tickets etc. and we will bring yoo forthaa news az we find oot!