THE TOON 0 THE TOFFEE NOSES 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '9:55am bells' Wednesday 26th March 2014

Yet anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance from us this season (wor umpteenth!) saw us crash 3-0 to European contenders Everton @ St James' Park last neet.
However! it could have been 'oh so different' if De Jong, Cisse and Gouffran hadn't missed good chances orly on @ The Leazes End! (an 'end' where were haven't scored a solitary Premyaa goal this year!)

They DIDN'T score of course and 'The Toffee Noses' took advantage az they pounded wor goal @ The Gallowgate End with a procession of corners!

They made the breakthrough when one of WOR corners 'went astray' and foond Everton's Ross Barkley in mid-field and he evaded several attempts to stop him by firing a shot past Tim Krul to put them 1-0 up at the mid-point of the half!

That's the way it stayed til the interval, but it didn't tek the visitors lang to double their lead when Lukaku hits home from 3 yards oot in front of their 2,000 or so travellin' faithful, high up in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes'!

Wor inability to finish waz evident az De Jong and Cisse struggled up front and the inevitable  thord goal came in the 'dyin embers' of the 90 minutes when Osman rifled the baall into the net az the groond emptied faster than pullin' a plug from a bath full of dorty waataa!

Shola then came on with TEN SECONDS to gan!? ---WOT! waz the point in that???
Honestly! there wernt 20,000 Toon fans left inside az the ref ended wor misery and we slunked off to 'The Newcastle Arms' to drown wor sorrows! ("ER!"---for the umpteenth time this season!)

Toon team: Krul, Yanga (Marveaux 74), Williamson, Coloccini, Sissoko, Dummett, Anita, Tiote, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi 91?), De Jong (Ben Arfa 57), Cisse

Attendance: 47, 622 (2,000 plus 'Toffee Noses')  

THE TOON v THE TOFFEE NOSES *** TOOONEET!

Posted '12:10pm bells' Tuesday 25th March 2014


ACTION FROM WOR GAME @ GOODISON PARK ORLIER THIS SEASON
(THE TOON LOST 3-2!)

"IT NEVAA RAINS IT POURS!"

Not havin' had a home game for a month we now play wor second home game in three days when 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton visit SJP toneet in a re-arranged Premyaa Leegue game!
(KO '7:45 bells')

We can anly hope that we divvint put in a disastrous forst half performance like we did at Goodison orlier in the season, when we foond worsels three doon at the interval, when it could easily have been double that---such waz wor inept performance that Monday neet! (we came back in the 2nd half to reduce the deficit to 3-2!)

Again!--top goalscorer Loic Remy will be missin' through injury (az will Debuchy and Santon) and we can anly hope that wor othaa striker Pappis Cisse's confidence haz returned after hiz dramatic 93rd minute winner against Palace on Saturday ---hiz FORST goal in open play this season! (he scored a penalty against Stoke on Boxin' Day az well!)

The reason we are playin' on a Tuesday neet and not a Wednesday (az iz tradition on Tyneside) iz because wor (still!) banned manager requested this day, for reason unknown to man nor beast!? (ne live telly!)

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a compreeeehensive match report sometime tomorrow---watch this space az per usual!

THE TOON 1 THE TRAMP IN A TRACKSUIT'S CRYSTAL BAALLS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '10:15am bells' Sunday 23rd March 2014


"CISSE HEEDS HOME IN THE 93rd MINUTE TO WIN THE GAME!"
(WARNING!--THIS FOTO IZ UNDER STRICT
COPYRIGHT TO 'THE GEORDIE TIMES')

"PAPPIS PUNISHES PULIS'S PALACE!"

Assistant John Carver again took the limelight in The Toon dugout az wor banned manager watched on a live video link from wor Benton trainin' base some six miles away! (communicating via 'mobile telling bone'!)

Anothaa one of those frustratin' games where we couldn't make the breakthrough beckoned @ St James' Park and Pappis Cisse had two good chances in the forst period to put us in front, but hiz goal drought continued az he fluffed hiz chances!

Pulis's Palace had came for a point and this waz obvious from the start az they wasted time and played a defensive formation to frustrate us!

The 2nd half wasn't much better but Palace fired a warnin' shot to us by rattlin' Tim Krul's crossbar in the 56th minute @ The Leazes End, through Bolasie!

ACTION @ THE LEAZES END DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from Milburn Stand balcony)

Cheik Tiote then did likewise late on @ The Gallowgate End with his effort reboundin' off the bar, eventually findin' the feet of Cisse in front of goal, but he completely missed the baall and the chance waz gone!
This waz at 'the death' and by this time some 15,000 (or more!) Toon fans had departed---but they were soon to regret their decision to leave orly!

Into the 93rd minute of the game 'super sub' Ben Arfa raced forward and crossed into the box where hiz pin-point baall foond the heed of Pappis Cisse and he heeded past Speroni in the 'Crytsal Baalls' goal, (their main timewaster!)  to deservedly win the contest, az the 30,000 plus Toon fans left in the groond went ballistic!---

Justice had been done against Pulis's negative tactics! (He complained bitterly after the game that the ref had played too much 'Fergie time' and therefore the game shud have finished before wor goal waz scored!) <(sour grapes from 'The Tramp in a Tracksuit'!---az the Toon fans love to caall him!)

Not a good game to watch---but at least Papiss Cisse iz a happy man to have scored hiz FORST goal in open play this season!---lang may it continue!

Toon team: Krul, Yanga, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Sissoko (Marveaux 88), Tiote, Anita, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi 76, De Jong (Ben Arfa 58), Cisse

Attendance: 51, 588 (includin' 'The Fat Controller' who waz at his 1st home game since last September!) (2,700 Palace fans)
*The crowd wasn't the selloot that waz predicted --but still--- 51,000 plus for a mid-table team against mediocre opposition isn't bad!---iz it!?

Meeenwhile doon in 'Smogland' orlier yesterday!---the Toon U18s won 2-0 against Boro's equivellent and 'Liam from the Lamp' sent us this 'excluuusive picture of the game on hiz 'mobile telling bone'!

Joe Kerridge (6th minute) and Dan Barlaser (84th minute) scored wor goals by the way!

THE TOON v THE CRYSTAL BAALLS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2:20pm bells' Friday 21st March 2014

"WHICH ONE OF US WILL IT BE THIS TIME!?"

Tomorrow we play wor forst home game for a month when we face Pulis's Palace @ St James' Park in a '3 bells' kick off!

This game, we understand, iz now a complete 52,000 plus selloot, which iz hard to believe given the mediocre opposition who are deep in relegation trouble!

However! 'mediocre opposition' (like defeat at relegation haunted Fulham last week!) tend to give us a 'Mr Hyde' complex and with wor top goalscorer Loic Remy again missin' through injury we must 'plod on' with strikers Pappis Cisse (ne Premyaa goals in open play this season!), De Jong (ne Premyaa goals in open play this season !) and 'super-sub' Shola Ameobi ("ER!"-ne Premyaa goals in open play this season!)

Debuchy and Santon will aalso be missin' again through injury, but Ben Arfa iz expected to be fit and will probably be on the subs bench alang with Sammy Ameobi and Rob Elliot 

We can anly hope that wor strikers find their 'shootin boots' at last and get us the three points like we did @ Selhurst Park orlier in the season when we won handsomely by three goals to nil!
A 'Dr Jykell' performance tomorrow??? <(get your 'Crystal Baall' oot!) >>>

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will of course be published sometime on Sunday---so watch this space az usual!   

KOP THAT! *** THE LIVERBIRDS U21s v THE TOON U21s ***TONEET @ ANFIELD

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 21st March 2014

"ATTENTION AALL EXILES AND GROUNDHOPPERS!"


"SOMEWHERE IN NORTH WALES!"


Toneet in 'MickeyMouseLand' we play 'The Liverbirds' in an U21 fixture @ Anfield!
Anly 'The Kop' will be open for payin' spectators and admission iz £5 for grown up kids and just £1 for little kids and zimmerframeites!

Kick off iz @ '7 bells', so if yoo plan on gannin', set away orly az the 'M62' motorway iz notoriously bad for traffic AALL day on a Friday! <(take my word!)

"SING IN THE CHEAP SEATS!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 19th March 2014

THE LAST TIME WE WERE AT 'THE ARSE'!***£35:50

News that NUFC are to subsidise two forthcomin' away games have been announced through the 'Premyaa Leegue Away Supporter initiative'!

Tickets for wor visit to 'The P*ss Potts' of Stoke on 12th April have been reduced to £20, (a reduction of £10) while wor visit to 'The Arse' in late April will cost us the princely sum of £25.50 for 'big kids' (a reduction again of £10) (Sprogs reduced ticket prices, meenz that they will gan virtually free of charge!)

Az 'The Arse' away game iz now on a Monday neet, meeenin' an owerneet stay, this iz at least a little help for the owercharged Toon Travellers amongst us!

THE WHITLEY BAYWATCHERS 0 THE TOON U21s 1 *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP SEMI FINAL

Posted '12:30pm bells' Tuesday 18th March 2014

NUFC resorves/U21s  progressed to the final of The Northumberland Senior Cup by beatin' 'The Whitley Baywatchers' 1-0 @ Hillheads last neet in front of a 877 crowd! (includin' a 'nutter' caalled  Pardew!)
Wor rovin' reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' sent us this comprehensive match report by the wonders of modern technology, text messages from hiz mobile phone!

"Rolando Aarons cut inside and fired an unstoppable shot into the goal in the 84th minute!---1-0 finish but very poor game!  The goal waz without a doubt the anly bit of quality seen!"

"Any of the players tryin' to push for forst team positions showed nothin' that would get them anywhere near, but the truth iz the resorves have been poor aall season and it shows the huge lack in cover and in part quality, the club haz reet now!"

'Liam from the Big Lamp'

For the benefit of wor owerseas reeders in particular: 'The Big Lamp' iz the name of a district, not too far from St James' Park!
(There used to be a 'big lamp' there at one time!)

THE WHITLEY BAYWATCHERS v THE TOON U21s *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP *** TONEET!

Posted '1:11pm bells' Monday 17th March 2014

Great news for any new 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers'!----@ '7:30 bells' toneet wor U21s take on Whitley Bay @ Hillheads Park in 'the semis' of The Northumberland Senior Cup!

Again! aa cannit make it coz av got to de a 'neet trunk' to Halesowen near Bormingham yet again in mee truck (for the 151st time since last Joon---if yoo are remotleee interested!?)
A'v been to 'Hillheads' of course many times before to watch 'The Toon', or else a would have taken a precious  *'loo day' off work to see it! <(*Geordie Times spelllin'!)

However!---wor for ever unreliable cheef reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' will bring yoo an excluuusive match report via text messages to mee mobile and I will put that online sometime tomorrow!

Hopefully he will send me some pix az well?----but divvint haad yer breath!
(see below!---SEE BELOW!!!)

"WE'LL BRING YOO AALL THE NEWS 2nd HAND 1st!"

Posted '9:13am bells' Monday 17th March 2014

At f*****' last!---nearly a week after the event, wor cheef paparazzi reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' haz eventually sent us hiz 'fuzzy pix' from the FA Youth Cup game, played last week @ St James' Park where wor U18s lost 3-2 to Chelski's equivillent!

REMEMBER! 'The Geordie Times' az per usual, brings yoo the latest news 1st hand 2nd!---or shud that be 2nd hand 1st???

THE WACKO JACKO-LESS JIVERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '12:50pm bells' Sunday 16th March 2014

"IT'S ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOO TO DRINK!"

"SPOT THE DRASTIC PLASTIC!"

The trip doon to King's Cross on the '6:30 bells' train from 'The Central' waz uneventful and we made straight for Hammersmith on the tube to sample the delights of a large brekky and a 'gargel' in The William Morris boozer!---WRANG!---When we got there @ '10:15 bells' we were telt that although we could porchase a brekky, ne alcohol could be sorved til '11 bells' on the orders of the local 'dibble' az there waz a futbaall match on! (the nearest waz actually QPR v Yeovil in nearby Shepherd's Bush!)

After 'demolishin' the 'said scran' we heeded back to the bar @ '11 bells' where 'Big Al' waz telt that he would have to drink hiz bottle of imported 'Edinger' ale oot of a plastic glass! <(on the orders of 'dibble' again yoo understand)
The bottle which he took to wor table waz 'glass' which of course totally contradicted their 'no glass' policy!'
To compound things, I then went to porchase a pint of 'Smiths' where (believe it or not!) aa waz given a PROPAA 'GLASS' glass by the barman!??? and az he gave it to me, aa quickly grabbed it, (spillin' some of the contents in mee haste!) before he had a chance to realise hiz 'missteak' and just wot he had done! <(and replace it with a plastic one!)
'Sarnie Steve' and 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa' then came back with pints of Guinness in PLASTIC! <(yi couldn't make it up---could yi!???)

We then moved on a bit nearer to the groond, two minutes away ower the road, where we went into 'The Duke of Cornwell' on Fulham Palace Road fully expectin' to be sorved oot of 'the drastic plastic pots'---and GUESS WOT!???---YES that's reet!---we were aall given PROPAA GLASSES with wor beer! (yi couldn't ma---!)


"GET YOUR EXPENSIVE DISH-WAATAA HERE!"


Movin' on to 'The Crabtree' aftaa this, it waz back to DRASTIC PLASTIC again, where mee pint of luke waam beer (which tasted like coloured soapy dish waataa!) cost me the grand sum of fower poond, eighty pence! <(it waz 'easy rider' (cider) aftaa this at just £4:50!)

It waz then time to gan to the match which waz played in cloudless blue skies az the 'current bun' shon brightleee above!

"A CR*P VIEW AGAIN---FROM ROW 'H' !"
(VIRTUALLY THE SAME VIEW AZ LAST SEASON!?)

With top goalscorer Remy and key player Debuchy oot through injury we wondered just where wor goals were gannin to come from---and we were proved reet az John Carver took the place of Alan Pardew in the dugoot!
Anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance waz in the offin' az we hoofed the baall upfield time and time again in wor aall blue change kit!--Fulham were even worse and we were glad when the ref blew for half time!

"THE WEBB OF DECEIT!"

The 2nd half wasn't much better az we humped the baall aimlessly up field once again, just like a Sunday leegue team would de!
And then came the tornin' point of the game!---Cisse, who waz put clean through, hit hiz shot straight at the Fulham keeper!---a foul from behind a minute later on De Jong went unpunished az ref Howard Webb waved 'play on' ---the baall foond Fulham's Dejagah on the edge of the box and he fired a shot that Tim Krul fumbled and it ended up in the back of wor net!---1-0 to the bottom team, who hadn't won in their previous NINE games!

"NICE VIEW OF THE CORNER FLAG, THOUGH!"

De Jong then had a heeder easily saved and then 'super sub'? Shola came on to save the day---but didn't!---and wor last 'throw of the dice' came when Adam Armstrong came on with just FOWER mins to gan (too little tooo late) although he DID manage a shot near the end! Then!---in the final second of the game wor goalie Tim Krul came up for a corner and the baall foond hiz right peg. He hit it straight at a home defender who raised hiz arm to stop it!---a blatent hand baall in anybody's book---but NOT Howard Webb's---who again torned a blind eye and blew for full time imedietly after this with strong protest from 'Timmy' waved away!

We trooped off back towards Hammersmith where more 'liquid lubrication' waz taken on board in 'The Suffolk Punch' before we made wor way to 'Edgware' for the final three 'gargel' locations! (see below!)

It waz then back to KX to catch the '9 bells' back yem! (a DRY train of course to compound wor misery!)

More pix and team line ups toneet---a'm of on the'hoy' now!---see yooo later!

Six hours later:---And here we are later toneet!---

Toon team: Krul, Yanga, Dummett, Anita (Marveaux 81), Williamson, Coloccini, Tiote, Sissoko, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 71), De Jong (Armstrong 86), Gouffran

Attendance: 25,664 (2,900 Toon fans plus many more in the so called 'mixed areas')

*'The Wacko Jacko-less Jivers'--an explanation: The Micheal Jackson statue that stood outside Craven Cottage in the 'Al Fayed' era haz now gone, so 'The Geordie Times' haz renamed them!