"YOUR LADS TOOK ONE HULL OF A BEATING!" ****THE TOON'S PREMYAA LEEGUE 'AWAY DAY WINS' LIST!

Posted '1:30pm bells' Tuesday 4th March 2014

'THE SISSOKO KID' (AND CO!)
CELEBRATE WOR 3rd GOAL @ HULL LAST SATURDAY
IN FRONT OF THE JUBULANT TOON FANS!

Followin' wor 'heedbangin' 4-1 win at Hull on Saturday, we have now beaten every one of the othaa current 19 Premyaa Leegue side away from home in the last 20 seasons!

Timeline list: (In the order that we last beat them away)

2014
1 Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys***won 4-1
2 Big Fat Sam's Jellied Eels Mob***won 3-1

2013
3 The Crystal Balls***won 3-0
4 The Manc Muppets***won 1-0
5 Sporz***won 1-0
6 Cardiff Red Herrings***won 2-1
7 The Hazbeenz and Villians***won 2-1

2012
8 Chelski OAPs***won 2-0
9 The Swan Lakers***won 2-0
10 The Baggie Troosers***won 3-1

2011
11 The P*ss Potts of Stoke***won 3-1
12 The SMBs***won 1-0 !

2010
13 The Arse***won 1-0
14 The Toffee Noses***won 1-0

2007
15 The Jackson-less Jivers of Fulham***won 1-0

2004
16 Sooothampton***won 2-1

2000
17 The Blue Moonies (@ Maine Road)***won 1-0

1995
18 The Liverbirds***won 1-0 (Leegue Cup)

1994
19 The Canary Custards of Norwich***won 2-1 

 

"A MONSTER IN WOR MIDST!"

Posted '2:37pm bells' Monday 3rd February 2014

"COME AND HAVE 'A GO' IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH!"

For gods sake!---Yi would have thought that Alan Pardew had mordered somebody @ '4:25pm bells' in Hull on Saturday!?---such iz the 'ower the top condemnation' of hiz 'touchin' of the heeds' with THAT ex mackem player!

The one thing that it did de, waz to knock the Leegue Cup final off the back pages of the Sunday papers!---very much to the annoyance of the SMBs!

Even the Monday papers have got in on the act by claimin' he iz some kind of a monster that shud be 'hung, drawn and quartered'! !---"Boil him in oil!---Send him to guillotine!---Keel haul him under the nearest ship on the Tyne!---Burn him at the stake!---Skin him alive!----Stretch him on the rack!---Tie him to the electric chair!"---Hang him from the rafters at Gallowgate! (like they used to de!)----"Aaltogether now!"----
"There's only one Alan Pardew!---One Alan Pardew!
Walkin' along!---He sticks the 'NUT' ON!
Walkin' in a Pardew wonderland!"

TODAY'S DAILY MAIL!

TODAY'S SPRINGFIELD SHOPPER!

"THERE'S ANLY ONE CHARLIE CHAPLIN!"

Posted '8:38pm bells' Sunday 2nd March 2014

THE BIG SCREEN IN 'THE SOHO BAR' @ '2:30 PM BELLS' TODAY!

Followin' wor fantastic 4-1 victory @ Hull yesterday, wor attention torned to the most important event on television today!---namely! 'The Charlie Chaplin' silent film that waz bein' shown in 'The Soho Bar', which iz just alang the road from St James' Park on the corner of Leazes Park Road!

There waz a certain futbaall match in London at Wembley at the same time az this, which kicked off @ '2 bells', but 'Charlie' took priority az far az we were concerned!
Norman the Cowboy Plumber' and hiz bruvva 'Faulty Towers' were there az well, when we hord that there waz some 'nightmare news' from Wembley, that a certain team from 12 miles away from us had took the lead against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester'!

Then az aa waalked past 'The 3 Bulls' sometime later a huge roar came from the bar and aa just knew that 'City' had eetha equalised or had gone in front!

A text message at 'fower bells' conformed that indeed 'The Blue Moonies' had scored and had lifted the Leegue Cup by eventually winnin' 3-1 and that the SMBs would come back trophy-less to mackemland!

A great weekend for aall of us in this part of the country!---get the broon ale on ice oot!

BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 1 THE TOON 4 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE *** 2013-2014

Updated '10:55am bells' Sunday 2nd March 2014

"BURN HIM ALIVE AT THE STAKE!"

SAVAGE JUSTICE FOR PARDEW!

There were no 'ifs' or 'butts' aboot this game az 'The Toon' were the better side throughout, 'butt' the main taalkin' point waz off the pitch when wor manager heed butted ex mackem player David Meyler who had unceremoniously pushed past Pardew to retrieve the baall!
Pardew didn't take to kindly to this and gave the ex mackem a 'Rab C. Nesbitt style' 'Glasgow kiss' for hiz 'disrespect', which resulted in a melee in the dugout area where Pardew waz sent to the stands by the ref! (We didn't see the incident from wor seats and didn't naa wot aall the fuss waz aboot?) <(til later!)

THE TOON (IN BRAZIL YELLOW) ATTACK THE FAR GOAL
DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(VIEW FROM ROW 'S' SEAT '138' IN THE NORTH STAND)

The sequence of events were az follows: (on the pitch!)

1st half:
9th minute: Tim Krul makes a Magnificent double save from Bruce and Jelavic to deny the 'Tiger Lillys'

10th minute: The Toon make the 1st breakthrough when the baall iz punted upfield from Krul's wonder saves and finds Debuchy on the right. He crosses to 'The Sissoko Kid' who blasts the baall into the net from 16 yards oot!

42nd minute: Loic Remy doubles wor lead when a horrendous back pass by Hull's Figueroa finds wor top goal scorer and he haz the simple task of side steppin' their keeper to put the baall into the empty net!

2nd half:
46th minute: Hull half wor lead just after the restart when Tim Krul misjudges the flight of the baall and it finds the heed of Davies who heeds home!

55th minute: Wor 2 goal margin iz restored, when, after a great Gouffran shot, the baall finds 'The Sissoko Kid' and he gleefully excepts hiz chance to 'tap in' in front of the Toon faithful!


'THE SISSOKO KID' CELEBRATES HIS 2nd GOAL
IN FRONT OF THE TOON FANS!


72nd minute: It aall gans to Pardews heed when he 'sticks a one' on ex mackem Meyler after the Hull man shoves wor manager oot of the way to get the baall!---aall hell then breaks oot az 'Pards' iz sent off and Meyler iz booked! <(he shud have went 'the distance' az well!)

93rd minute:
Anita sows the game up with a simple chance at the far post from a Dummett cross to score hiz 1st ever Premyaa goal for The Toon!

On the way yem, that innocuous 'Radio 5s'  'p*ss brain' known az Robbie Savage iz 'judge and jury' on Pardew and gans on and on (and on!) aboot how wor manager shud by (very!) severely punished for hiz 'disgraceful'? heed butt!--- ("Burn him at the stake, perhaps, Robbie"???) <(there waz absolutleee NE MENTION, by the way, of wor magnificent 4-1 win!?)

*(PS: we've since seen the replay on the telly---"Howway maan!---it wasn't THAT BAD!?")
To put it into context: Last week there waz an ice hockey game on the telly where one player started lacing into anothaa with hiz hockey stick and fists, hittin' him several times in the process az hiz opponent collapsed poleaxed onto the ice!
And hiz 'punishment'?---TEN MINUTES in the sin bin! 

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Yanga, Dummett, Anita, Tiote, Sissoko, Gouffran, Remy, De Jong (Gosling 89)

Attendance: 24,903 (2,500 'heedbangin' Toon fans!)

'GeordieTimes' STATSFACTS: This waz wor forst ever competitive victory @ 'The KC'----
This waz wor 100th away win in 'The Premyaa'!

THE PRE MATCH 'GARGELS' TOOK PLACE HERE!
(15 MINS WAALK FROM THE GROOND)



WILD ANIMALS ROAM THE BAR
AZ WE SIT PETRIFIED IN THE CORNER!
(OR SHUD THAT REEED 'PIE' EYED!?)



BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS v THE TOON *** THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '8:30am bells' Saturday 1st March 2014

Followin' last Sunday's dramatic injury time winner @ 'The Living Breathing Animal Stadium' <(aka St James' Park!), we now must travel past The Humber bridge to take on the manager aall Toon fans 'love to hate' namely, 'Broken Nose Bruce' and hiz Hull Tigers @ The KC Stadium <(or whatever it's caalled now?)

Hull of course have enraged their fans by tryin' to change their name from 'City' to 'Tigers'---anothaa case of:  "It's MY trainset---and aa'll de wot aa want!" <(and divvint WE naa it!)

Aall taalk in 'The 'Ronny Gill' this week iz aboot the fact that we can still qualify for 'the dreaded' 'Europa Leegue' next season, shud we manage to finish sixth in the table!
A complicated combination of results could even meeen that we could qualify by finishin' SEVENTH! <(but divvint haad yi breath!)

However!---'Brucey's Boys' are on a run themsels and are fresh from an FA Cup 5th roond win ower Brighton and a 4-0 away win at Cardiff---so it won't be an easy ride @ 'The KC' come '3 bells' this afternoon!

Not suprizingleee, we have sold wor entire allocation of 2,500 tickets for the game (we tried to get more but Hull said: "NO!")  

Team news: Ben Arfa and Santon are oot injured---but fear not!---coz Sammy Ameobi and 'Marveaux the Magician'? are both available for selection! <("Wow!")
('Fab' Coloccini will aalso be missin' due to a family bereavement back in Argentina) 

'The Toon' are lookin' for their forst ever win @ 'The KC' in a competitive game and if we de it, it will be wor 100th success on the road since we joined 'The Premyaa'!

For the record, fower of us are settin' off in 'The Caped Crusader's' 'Batmobile' in half an hours time---the othaa three bein': 'little ol' me'!, <('The Mad-Sad Groundhopper'), 'The Mad Professor' and 'Peddlin' Pensioner Paul'!  <("Er!"--he 'peddles' a push bike!---NOT contraband!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will of course appear here sometime 2moro!

"THE LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL!"

Posted '2:22pm bells' Tuesday 25th February 2014


LOIC REMY (CENTRE OF PICTURE) SCORES THE WINNER TO AWAKEN
'THE LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL'!

In post match comments on Sunday wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' referred to St James' Park az "A LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL!"
The 'animal' had been 'half asleep' for the forst 92 minutes of wor game against Villa, in wot waz a dire encoontaa, but then it 'woke up' spectacularly when Loic Remy scored that spectacular 93rd minute winner, which in torn sent 'the living breathing animal' ballistic az it's huge roar lifted the roof off the groond!

THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE *** 2013-2014

Updated '12:42pm bells' Monday 24th February 2014

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END DURIN' THE 2nd HALF
(VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY)

"REMY TO THE RESCUE!"

An unbelievable borin' game waz played oot @ St James' Park yesterday in front of a very quiet 50,000 plus crowd, although wor visitors had a few chances orly on with centres across the box at The Gallowgate End, but nebody to finish off the crosses <(thankfully!)

We didn't coont one decent shot on target from us in the entire 1st half az we 'attacked'? The Leazes End---dire stuff indeed!
Aa said to 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' who waz sittin' next to me that aa didn't realise we had won a corner!
"Are yi not watchin' the game--like?", he said and aa replied that actually, aa waz faallin' asleep, az the game waz so bad!

ACTION? FROM THE 1st HALF

The 2nd half wasn't much better with both sides passin' to each other in the middle of the park and we wondered just when we would see a goal, az we hadn't scored a leegue goal at home since BOXIN' DAY!---when we beat Stoke 5-1 <(59 days by wor reckonin'!)

And then aall of a sudden the game and crowd came to life in the 80th minute when a blatant hand baall in the Villa penalty area waz torned doon by the ref Martin Atkinson az he waved the protests from the Toon players away!
Then in the 88th minute Loic Remy somehow managed to hit the post in front of an open goal and we fell back in wor seats in despair!

Just when it looked like wor home goal drought would continue into March, Remy made amends for hiz glarin' miss 3 minutes into injury time when he latched onto a deflected effort from new boy De Jong to beat a defender before slammin' the baall into the net!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE CIVIC CENTRE AND THE COAST
ABOVE THE EAST STAND ROOF!
 

You would have thought we'd won the FA Cup!, such waz the roar and relief from the crowd for gettin' this 'monkey off wor backs', az Remy went ballistic and celebrated in The Strawberry Corner by rippin' hiz shirt off in unbridled joy! <(resultin' in a yellow card!)

We are now back in 8th place on 40 points and are 16 above the drop zone!---surely enough to banish aall thoughts of 'the abyss'!? with just 11 games to gan!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Anita, Tiote (Gosling 89), Sissoko, Gouffran, Remy, Cisse (De Jong 72) 

Attendance: 50,417 (2,000 Hazbeenz in The Leazes level 7) (Ne sign of 'The Fat Controller' again!---Hiz last 'leegue visit' to St James' waz against Hull on 21st September last year!) (5 months and 2 days!) <(proves beyond doubt he couldn't give a t*ss aboot us!)

PS: Just how we can get 50,000 to torn up after recent results and the cr*p kick off time, iz anybodys guess???)

THE TOON v THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS *** TODAY!

Posted '9:27am bells' Sunday 23rd February 2014


ACTION FROM VILLA PARK ORLIER THIS SEASON
THE TOON WON 2-1!


@ Dinnaatime today we take on @ the Hazbeenz and Villians in a game that we desperately need to win to end the horrendous run of 'five in a row' that we have lost at home!

We are 13 points off a place in 'the abyss' in 9th place in 'The Premyaa' and even a point would lift us closer to the 40 point safety margin which shud be good enough to 'escape the drop' this time aroond! (we are on 37 points at the mo) (Villa are in 13th place on 28 points by the way!)

The three pieces of good news iz that wor top goalscorer Loic Remy iz back from suspension and both Cheik Tiote and 'Fab' Coloccini are expected to be back in the side after recent injuries.

Amazingly!, considerin' recent results and the fact that it kicks off @ '1:30 bells' for live telly, the game iz a near sell-oot, with the visitors takin' up 2,000 of the seats in 'level 7' of The Leazes End! <(are we sadists or wot?) <(OR shud that be pronounced 'SADists'?)

'The Geordie Times' az per usual will bring yoo, wor loyal reeeders, a full and compreeehensive match report and pix sometime tomorrow!

THE TOON U21s 2 THE BLUE MOONIES U21s 3 *** FA PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL

Posted '12:30pm bells' Saturday 22nd February 2014

Match report by 'Percy the Pigeon' (below) who flew ower the action az the game waz bein' played behind closed doors! <(Unless yih good at climbin' fences!)

"The NUFC 'trophy trail' just got one less yesterday az The Toon U21s hoyed away a two goal lead to lose the game in dramatic style behind closed doors @ Darsley Park.

The deed windy conditions nearly blew me off my perch in a tree owerlookin' the play!

We took the lead in the 2nd minute when Toon goalie Jak Alnwick punted the wind assisted baall upfield to Michael Richardson who lobbed the City goalie!
Richardson doubled wor lead just after the restart but that's when it aall went terribleee wrang!

Byteki pulled one back for 'The Blue Moonies' in the 50th minute and just 3 minutes later they were level when Himula fired past Alnwick!

Lopes completed wor misery at the mid point of the half with a 20 yard shot that flew into the net, again, wind assisted!

Aa then flew off to the Benton Ale Hoose for some much needed sustinence to drown mee sorrows!---"Cooo!"---Cooo!!!"

We now just have TWO chances for 'silverware' this season in the shape of the FA Youth Cup and The Northumberland Senior Cup!

(Wor FA Youth Cup qwaataa final tie against Chelski will tek place @ St James' Park on Tuesday 11th March with a '7 bells' kick off!) 

THE TOON U21s v THE BLUE MOONIES U21s *** FA U21s PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP ***TODAY *** BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!

Posted '12:22pm bells' Friday 21st February 2014

"A'M OFF TO THE RESORVE CUP TIE PET!"
"AND THEN  A'M GANNIN' TO 'THE BENTON ALE HOOSE' AFTER THE GAME!"
"SO DIVVINT PUT MEE DINNAA IN THE DOG!" 
"COOOO!!!"

Sometime this afternoon <(we know not when?) wor U21s take on Man City's equivalent @ Darsley Park in a 'behind closed door' resorve qwaataa final cup game!

Again!---we have ne idea just why they must play it with ne fans in attendance, with anly the players families allowed in!
How can young players grow accustomed to tornin' oot in front of less than the number of players on the pitch?---and then expect them to be hoyed in at 'the deep end' in front of 50,000, shud the need arise, is anybody's guess???

Az usual in circumstances like this, we are sendin' wor faithful carrier pigeon 'Percy' to fly ower the action and bring YOO wor loyal reeders a full and compreeehensive match report!

But divvint haad yer breath!---az 'Percy' iz 'gannin on the hoy' after the game in 'The Benton Ale Hoose' and hiz match report wont be forthcomin' til tomorrow mornin' at the orliest! ("hic!")

Az usual stay 'glued' to this space for the final result! "ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"