BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS v THE TOON *** THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '8:30am bells' Saturday 1st March 2014

Followin' last Sunday's dramatic injury time winner @ 'The Living Breathing Animal Stadium' <(aka St James' Park!), we now must travel past The Humber bridge to take on the manager aall Toon fans 'love to hate' namely, 'Broken Nose Bruce' and hiz Hull Tigers @ The KC Stadium <(or whatever it's caalled now?)

Hull of course have enraged their fans by tryin' to change their name from 'City' to 'Tigers'---anothaa case of:  "It's MY trainset---and aa'll de wot aa want!" <(and divvint WE naa it!)

Aall taalk in 'The 'Ronny Gill' this week iz aboot the fact that we can still qualify for 'the dreaded' 'Europa Leegue' next season, shud we manage to finish sixth in the table!
A complicated combination of results could even meeen that we could qualify by finishin' SEVENTH! <(but divvint haad yi breath!)

However!---'Brucey's Boys' are on a run themsels and are fresh from an FA Cup 5th roond win ower Brighton and a 4-0 away win at Cardiff---so it won't be an easy ride @ 'The KC' come '3 bells' this afternoon!

Not suprizingleee, we have sold wor entire allocation of 2,500 tickets for the game (we tried to get more but Hull said: "NO!")  

Team news: Ben Arfa and Santon are oot injured---but fear not!---coz Sammy Ameobi and 'Marveaux the Magician'? are both available for selection! <("Wow!")
('Fab' Coloccini will aalso be missin' due to a family bereavement back in Argentina) 

'The Toon' are lookin' for their forst ever win @ 'The KC' in a competitive game and if we de it, it will be wor 100th success on the road since we joined 'The Premyaa'!

For the record, fower of us are settin' off in 'The Caped Crusader's' 'Batmobile' in half an hours time---the othaa three bein': 'little ol' me'!, <('The Mad-Sad Groundhopper'), 'The Mad Professor' and 'Peddlin' Pensioner Paul'!  <("Er!"--he 'peddles' a push bike!---NOT contraband!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will of course appear here sometime 2moro!

"THE LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL!"

Posted '2:22pm bells' Tuesday 25th February 2014


LOIC REMY (CENTRE OF PICTURE) SCORES THE WINNER TO AWAKEN
'THE LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL'!

In post match comments on Sunday wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' referred to St James' Park az "A LIVING BREATHING ANIMAL!"
The 'animal' had been 'half asleep' for the forst 92 minutes of wor game against Villa, in wot waz a dire encoontaa, but then it 'woke up' spectacularly when Loic Remy scored that spectacular 93rd minute winner, which in torn sent 'the living breathing animal' ballistic az it's huge roar lifted the roof off the groond!

THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE *** 2013-2014

Updated '12:42pm bells' Monday 24th February 2014

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END DURIN' THE 2nd HALF
(VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY)

"REMY TO THE RESCUE!"

An unbelievable borin' game waz played oot @ St James' Park yesterday in front of a very quiet 50,000 plus crowd, although wor visitors had a few chances orly on with centres across the box at The Gallowgate End, but nebody to finish off the crosses <(thankfully!)

We didn't coont one decent shot on target from us in the entire 1st half az we 'attacked'? The Leazes End---dire stuff indeed!
Aa said to 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' who waz sittin' next to me that aa didn't realise we had won a corner!
"Are yi not watchin' the game--like?", he said and aa replied that actually, aa waz faallin' asleep, az the game waz so bad!

ACTION? FROM THE 1st HALF

The 2nd half wasn't much better with both sides passin' to each other in the middle of the park and we wondered just when we would see a goal, az we hadn't scored a leegue goal at home since BOXIN' DAY!---when we beat Stoke 5-1 <(59 days by wor reckonin'!)

And then aall of a sudden the game and crowd came to life in the 80th minute when a blatant hand baall in the Villa penalty area waz torned doon by the ref Martin Atkinson az he waved the protests from the Toon players away!
Then in the 88th minute Loic Remy somehow managed to hit the post in front of an open goal and we fell back in wor seats in despair!

Just when it looked like wor home goal drought would continue into March, Remy made amends for hiz glarin' miss 3 minutes into injury time when he latched onto a deflected effort from new boy De Jong to beat a defender before slammin' the baall into the net!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE CIVIC CENTRE AND THE COAST
ABOVE THE EAST STAND ROOF!
 

You would have thought we'd won the FA Cup!, such waz the roar and relief from the crowd for gettin' this 'monkey off wor backs', az Remy went ballistic and celebrated in The Strawberry Corner by rippin' hiz shirt off in unbridled joy! <(resultin' in a yellow card!)

We are now back in 8th place on 40 points and are 16 above the drop zone!---surely enough to banish aall thoughts of 'the abyss'!? with just 11 games to gan!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Anita, Tiote (Gosling 89), Sissoko, Gouffran, Remy, Cisse (De Jong 72) 

Attendance: 50,417 (2,000 Hazbeenz in The Leazes level 7) (Ne sign of 'The Fat Controller' again!---Hiz last 'leegue visit' to St James' waz against Hull on 21st September last year!) (5 months and 2 days!) <(proves beyond doubt he couldn't give a t*ss aboot us!)

PS: Just how we can get 50,000 to torn up after recent results and the cr*p kick off time, iz anybodys guess???)

THE TOON v THE HAZBEENZ AND VILLIANS *** TODAY!

Posted '9:27am bells' Sunday 23rd February 2014


ACTION FROM VILLA PARK ORLIER THIS SEASON
THE TOON WON 2-1!


@ Dinnaatime today we take on @ the Hazbeenz and Villians in a game that we desperately need to win to end the horrendous run of 'five in a row' that we have lost at home!

We are 13 points off a place in 'the abyss' in 9th place in 'The Premyaa' and even a point would lift us closer to the 40 point safety margin which shud be good enough to 'escape the drop' this time aroond! (we are on 37 points at the mo) (Villa are in 13th place on 28 points by the way!)

The three pieces of good news iz that wor top goalscorer Loic Remy iz back from suspension and both Cheik Tiote and 'Fab' Coloccini are expected to be back in the side after recent injuries.

Amazingly!, considerin' recent results and the fact that it kicks off @ '1:30 bells' for live telly, the game iz a near sell-oot, with the visitors takin' up 2,000 of the seats in 'level 7' of The Leazes End! <(are we sadists or wot?) <(OR shud that be pronounced 'SADists'?)

'The Geordie Times' az per usual will bring yoo, wor loyal reeeders, a full and compreeehensive match report and pix sometime tomorrow!

THE TOON U21s 2 THE BLUE MOONIES U21s 3 *** FA PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP QWAATAA FINAL

Posted '12:30pm bells' Saturday 22nd February 2014

Match report by 'Percy the Pigeon' (below) who flew ower the action az the game waz bein' played behind closed doors! <(Unless yih good at climbin' fences!)

"The NUFC 'trophy trail' just got one less yesterday az The Toon U21s hoyed away a two goal lead to lose the game in dramatic style behind closed doors @ Darsley Park.

The deed windy conditions nearly blew me off my perch in a tree owerlookin' the play!

We took the lead in the 2nd minute when Toon goalie Jak Alnwick punted the wind assisted baall upfield to Michael Richardson who lobbed the City goalie!
Richardson doubled wor lead just after the restart but that's when it aall went terribleee wrang!

Byteki pulled one back for 'The Blue Moonies' in the 50th minute and just 3 minutes later they were level when Himula fired past Alnwick!

Lopes completed wor misery at the mid point of the half with a 20 yard shot that flew into the net, again, wind assisted!

Aa then flew off to the Benton Ale Hoose for some much needed sustinence to drown mee sorrows!---"Cooo!"---Cooo!!!"

We now just have TWO chances for 'silverware' this season in the shape of the FA Youth Cup and The Northumberland Senior Cup!

(Wor FA Youth Cup qwaataa final tie against Chelski will tek place @ St James' Park on Tuesday 11th March with a '7 bells' kick off!) 

THE TOON U21s v THE BLUE MOONIES U21s *** FA U21s PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP ***TODAY *** BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!

Posted '12:22pm bells' Friday 21st February 2014

"A'M OFF TO THE RESORVE CUP TIE PET!"
"AND THEN  A'M GANNIN' TO 'THE BENTON ALE HOOSE' AFTER THE GAME!"
"SO DIVVINT PUT MEE DINNAA IN THE DOG!" 
"COOOO!!!"

Sometime this afternoon <(we know not when?) wor U21s take on Man City's equivalent @ Darsley Park in a 'behind closed door' resorve qwaataa final cup game!

Again!---we have ne idea just why they must play it with ne fans in attendance, with anly the players families allowed in!
How can young players grow accustomed to tornin' oot in front of less than the number of players on the pitch?---and then expect them to be hoyed in at 'the deep end' in front of 50,000, shud the need arise, is anybody's guess???

Az usual in circumstances like this, we are sendin' wor faithful carrier pigeon 'Percy' to fly ower the action and bring YOO wor loyal reeders a full and compreeehensive match report!

But divvint haad yer breath!---az 'Percy' iz 'gannin on the hoy' after the game in 'The Benton Ale Hoose' and hiz match report wont be forthcomin' til tomorrow mornin' at the orliest! ("hic!")

Az usual stay 'glued' to this space for the final result! "ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

"TAXI FOR NEWCASTLE AIRPORT PLEEZE!"

Posted '1:38pm bells' Thorsday 20th February 2014

A very interestin' and excellent article appeared in yesterday's Daily Mail by Martin Samuel, which just aboot sums NUFC up at the moment and 'The Geordie Times' haz reproduced bits of it below, which ring very (very!) true aboot wor current crazy predicament!

Quote: " Newcastle United have no director of football and no managing director!  The owner is rarely in attendance and no permanent signings have arrived in the last two transfer windows!"

"There are plenty of contenders for the worst run club in the Premier League---and Fulham have set the bar pretty high in recent weeks---but given all their advantages, Newcastle should be in line for some form of lifetime achievement in the field!"

"Magnificently supported, from a region that has consistently produced some of the best footballers in Europe, they contrive year on year to find ever more humiliating ways to fail or implode!
No small success is ever built on, no decision so smart that it can quickly be undermined!"

"When Joe(K) Kinnear left as director of football, the first thought was that he had been sacked for failing to recruit players. The latest suggestion is that his employers were upset when he negotiated only £19million from Paris St Germain for Yohan Cabaye! They wanted more! Now we know what the 'director' stood for in his title!---Directing the best players to the airport!"

"Pardew is the patsy in the middle! He obviously decided long ago that the best way to keep his job---and he is not long into an eight year contract---would be to shoulder each fresh indignity without complaint, whether it was the sale of his best player without replacement, or the appointment of an overseer, who soon became a professional joke!"

"Pardew is trying to turn around a vessel that is not so much afloat as adrift!---Newcastle are bobbing along with the engines off and no captain to take responsibility!"

"Pardew never offers even mild dissent against Mike Ashley's running of the club, which wins him few friends amongst the fans! 
As Ashley hasn't turned up for a home game since September, it makes the manager the only senior club official on match day!
No wonder there is tension!
It is merely his misfortune to be saddled with a club that has lost it's purpose!---They might sack him one day, but it still won't mean they care!"

WOT MORE CAN WE ADD???---EXCEPT!

"A boat withoot a rudder!"
"A yaught withoot a sail!"  
"A ship withoot an engine!"
"A catastrophic tale!"      

"WOR NEXT MANAGER!--OR!--DIRECTOR OF FOOLS! ***PERHAPS!?"
(DIVVINT BET AGAINST IT!!!)

"THANK GOD WE'RE NOT SUCCESSFUL!

Posted '2:07pm bells' Wednesday 19th February 2014

For weeks now av been 'sweatin' on an event that might have taken place on the same day az a Toon match, namely the christenin' of grandbairn Freya!

"SUNDAY MARCH 23rd!" aa waz telt today, iz the 'big day' next month and a frantic look at the calendar (when nebody waz lookin'!) conformed that we play Palace at home on the day before and THAT Sunday iz NUFC FUTBAALL FREE!-----mainly because we are NOT a big attraction anymore and thankfully, neethaa are Palace!---so av 'got away with it' once again az the telly fixtures for March have aalready been announced! <("pass 'the broon ale'---pleeeze!") >

PS: Divvint tell anybody!--- BUT!  guess wot would have taken priority?----and I leave yoo to guess az to whether divorce proccedings would have been imminent!???

100,000 THOOSAND REASONS TO BELIEVE! *** "THE HOLY GRAIL AT LAST!"

Posted '10:00am bells' Monday 17th February 2014


"THE CELEBRATIONS HAVE STARTED AROOND PLANET EARTH AALREADY!"
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING *** NEW YORK!


A momentous occasion haz just happened to 'The Geordie Times' this mornin', az we have just received wor ONE HUNDRED THOOOSANDTH pageview today to join 'the big boys'!???!

It haz taken nearly THREE AND A HALF YEARS to reach the 'holy grail'? from when we forst started dein it seriously in October 2010 and we of course thank each and every one of yoo, from the fower corners of the globe (and beyond!) for loggin' into 'the mad-sad groundhopper's' website!


"SHOES OFF FOR THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
THE MIDDLE EAST!

In total 147 countries and territories (plus Mars!) have now 'visited' us with the old UK (not suprizingly) the top dogs with 50,758 hits followed by wor USA friends from across the pond who have 18,888 hits and then in 3rd place we have the Ukraine with 5,389 hits!
While total overseas pageviews are closing in on the 'historic'? 50,000 mark az we speak!--which accounts for virtually half wor total!


SYDNEY *** AUSTRALIA!


The joyous news haz even reached the solar system and wild celebrations around Mars have begun in earnest!


"NEWS HAS JUST FILTERED THROUGH FROM PLANET EARTH!"
"THE GEORDIE TIMES HAS JUST HAD IT'S 100,000th HIT!"
"GET THE BROON ALE OOT!"

DERBY COONTY U18s 0 THE TOON U18s 1 *** FA YOUTH CUP 5th ROOND

Posted 9:17pm bells' Sunday 16th February 2014

"ER"!" SORRY ABOOT THE FUZZY PICTURE, BUT LIAM'S CAMERA IZ CR*P!"

NUFCs youth team progressed to the 6th roond of the FA Youth Cup with a narrow win ower Derby @ Pride Park this afternoon!

The one and anly goal of the game waz scored by Adam Armstrong and hiz goal iz described by 'Liam from the Lamp' who waz there to witness it!


"HE WAZ THERE! *** THE PROOF!"


"Woodman kicked up to Aarons who gave it to Armstrong, who in torn dummied the Coonty defender to place the baall into the corner of the net! 1-0 to 'The Toon'!"

"THE TEAMSHEET! ---"WHEY! ---SOME OF IT, AT LEAST!?"

Attendance: 2,000 (estimated), 18 Toon fans, includin' Toon travellers', 'Simon from Whitley Bay', 'Biffa the Beer', 'Glennn from Ashington', hiz sidekick 'Bysey', 'Michael the Mag', 'The Caped Crusader' and 'The Mad Professor'!