"HUBBLE, BUBBLE, DOUBLE, TROUBLE!" *** UPDATE FROM THE FUTBAALL SUPPORTERS FEDERATION (bottom of artice)

Updated '1:23pm bells' Tuesday 7th January 2014

"DEFINATLY NOT! 'THE 'MAGICAL' MYSTERY TOUR!"

News reaches us that the SMBs are to be FORCED to use the yellow double decker busses, if they wish to see the derby encoontaa on Saturday 1st February (now a '12:45 bells' kick off <(suprize!, suprize!)

The so caalled 'BUBBLE' 'EFFECT' that 'the Dibble' have insisted on, meenz that any mackem who lives ,say in Northumberland (and there are quite a few!) will have to cross the Tyne to The Stadium of Shh! (Yee Naa Wot!) to get their match tickets on the busses az they are driven snail pace back across the Tyne to St James' Park!

They then MUST get back onto the busses after the game and cross the Tyne once again where they will be dropped of back at the SOS! <(before havin' to travel back ower the Tyne for a FOURTH time!)
This may soond funny to us!---but think aboot it!???---if they de it to THEM, THEN!---guess wot???---we will ne doubt be forced to de the SAME THING when we next gan doon to wearyside!

It's OK for the likes of me who anly lives a 10 mins bus ride from St James', but wot aboot 'The NUFC London Branch', the Coonty Durham based Toon fans or people like 'Dave from York' who will be forced to de the above in revorse!

A DOUBLE TROUBLE whammy if yoo ask us!
Yet anothaa reason to hope and pray that the SMBs gan doon this season, so we divvint have to gan through aall this F*****' S**T!

There's a joint statement on 'The Football Supporters Federation' website which haz just been released by both sets of fans who strongly oppose 'the bubble match'!
gan to: www.fsf.org.uk/bubble 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS ***** "NEW GROOND! ***** NEW GROOND! ***** NEW GROOND!"

Posted '2:21pm bells' Monday 6th January 2014

After the doom and gloom of wor shambolic FA Cup exit at the weekend (once again!), we can bring yoo some happy news instead!

We understand that wor U21s resorve game @ Sporz will now be played @ BISHOPS STORTFORD FC and not Sporz trainin' groond az waz expected! <(we were there last season when we lost 5-0!)
Bishops play @ The ProKit UK Stadium (formerly Woodside Park!) and the groond iz within eezy reach of the M11 Motorway (aboot a mile!) The roond trip iz approx 510 miles!)

The game iz due to take place next Monday neet and plans are aalready 'underway' to take 'The Geordie Times Mini Bus' doon and SIX 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have declared their interest so far <(little ol' me included---az a'm drivin' it!)

We will be leavin' @ aroond aboot 'high noon bells' from 'The Newcastle Arms' drinkin' den, which sits in the shadows of St James' next to Chinatoon and expect to arrive doon there around aboot '5 bells' (plenty of time for 'a gargel' az the game doesn't start til '7'!) <(ER! 'the driver' will be drinkin' coke and shandy!) 

More to follow on aall this az the week progresses!

THE TOON 1 THE RED HERRINGS of CARDIFF 2 *** FA CUP 3rd ROOND *** 2013-14

Updated '11:48am bells' Sunday 5th January 2014

"NO 'HYDE-ING' PLACE FOR THE TOON!"


THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from the cramped seats in row 'T'!)


'The Geordie Times' said yesterday in wor final comment, that dependin' on wot team we put oot and how we performed, would we be interested in today's FA Cup 4th roond draw on ITV @ '2 bells'?
"WE NOW NAA THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION!?---DON'T WE JUST!"

Wor 'gangway' seats which we bought in The Leazes End so we had more 'legroom' (az wor own seats were unavailable) torned oot to be reet in the middle of row 'T' with ne 'legroom' <(the lass in the ticket office assured me that they were 'gangway seats when I bought them!---a'v got lang legs!), but this waz just the start of wor problems az The Toon came oot with 'ne guns blazin'!

'The Red Herrings' wernt any better az their pathetically low 300 fans huddled in the North East Corner of The East Stand!
The crowd in total looked to be in the high 20,000s with the top sections completely empty! (where we normally sit with plenty of 'legroom'!) That's ower 20,000 empty seats in the 'greatest' cup competition in the world!

SPOT THE CARDIFF FANS!
(RED DRAGONS, BLUE DRAGONS AND SCOTLAND FLAGS!?)

The half time interval couldn't come quick enough az we slogged it oot attackin' The Leazes End and thoughts of a mid-week replay 10 days later in sooth Wales filled me with dread!
The anly 'highlight' from us in this half iz when Ben Arfa hit the bar from a canny way oot at the half-way point!

The 2nd half wore on az we attacked the 'far' Gallowgate End and again Ben Arfa ratted the wookwork but hiz effort bounced back oot into play!
Then at last we made a breakthrough on the hour mark, when 'The Sissoko Kid' raced doon the pitch and fired in a ferocious shot which waz blocked by a 'Red Herrings' defender, but the baall fell nicely to Cisse and he tapped the baall in from 6 yards oot to give us the lead!
The Toon fans celebrated in 'The Strawberry Corner' by settin' off flares and smokebombs which filled the air with a grey cloud!


MORE ACTION AZ WE ATTACK 'THE LEAZES'!


However!---the 'grey clouds' ower St James' soon got 'darker' when, first, Gouffran waz replaced by Obertan (to boos from the crowd!)before the visitors equalised through a great shot from Noone in the 73rd minute which beat Elliot in The Toon goal.
The 'replay synario' then entered mee heed at this point and aa wondered just wot excuse aa would have to make to get the 2 days off 'graft' to gan to Cardiff!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END IN THE 2nd HALF

Aa shouldn't have worried though, az just 7 minutes later ex mackem striker Fraizer Campbell <(it had to be!) heeded home to win the tie for the visitors and send their 300 fans, dressed in blue AND red, wild with delight!
We were dead on wor feet at this point az the clock ticked doon and Pardew's final 'gamble' waz to bring on 'big guns' Remy and Shola with just 5 minutes remainin'! (too little toooo late!) and after 5 minutes of stoppage time the ref ended wor FA Cup misery for one more year!

 Yet anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance (wor 10th of the season by wor estimates!) ensued that we will gan yet anothaa season with ne major silverware in the bare 'trophyless' cabinet, that sits, hidden in a darkened room somewhere beneath the Milburn Stand!

SPOT THE EMPTY SEATS IN 'LEVEL 7' OF THE MILBURN STAND!

Under 'I Beg Your Pardew's' 'leadership? we have now lost FOWER FA Cup ties to 'lesser' opposition!--namely---Stevenage---Brighton---Brighton (again!) and now Cardiff!
This meens that the remainin' 5 months of the season will be spent tryin' to remain where we are in 8th 'pot of gold' position in the table!---after aall 'The Fat Controller's' 'needs' <(money!) are much greater than wors!

Footnote:
After the match 'I Beg Your Pardew' complained aboot the 'strange atmosphere' at the match, mentionin'  the fact that there were thoosands of empty seats!
But wot did he expect?---he made SEVEN changes in aall (three off them enforced through injury or suspension) and the fans just knew a 'Toon X1' would take the field and not hiz strongest team!---And just why top goalscorer Loic Remy wasn't on from the start iz a mystery, considerin' that wor next game iznt til a week today against 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland'

Toon team: Elliot, Santon, Haidara, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Tiote,  Sissoko (Remy 85), Anita (Shola Ameobi 85), Ben Arfa, Gouffran (Obertan 63) 

Attendance: 31,166 (more than we thought, but still 21,000 plus below capacity!) (still the 3rd highest crowd though, behind 'The Arse' and Everton) 300 'Red Herrings' (a pathetic tornoot from the Welsh!)

"I WIN THE DAY AGAIN, DR JYKELL!" ***HA! HA!" 



THE TOON v THE CARDIFF RED HERRINGS *** FA CUP 3rd ROOND *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated: '11:11am bells' Saturday 4th January 2014

Next up on the list iz a home tie against 'The Red Herrings' of Cardiff in the FA Cup @ '3 bells' today!
Accordin' to 'The Geordie Times dictionary', 'Red Herring' meenz: 'It leads or distracts from the truth'  <(The truth bein' that Cardiff shud play in blue and not red az their obnoxious owner Mr Tan seems to think they shud!) <(Yet anothaa case of: "Fcuk you!"---"It's MY trainset and I'll do what I want!")

They have a new man in charge aftaa the unceremonious departure of 'Malky' with Ole Gunnaa Solshar <(We divvint naa how to spell 'Solskjaer'!) takin' ower the reigns in sooth Wales and the big question iz???---which Toon team will torn up in this Jykell and Hyde season!

Debuchy iz of course suspended aftaa hiz daft sendin' off on Wednesday @ WBA and 'Fab' Coloccini iz oot for at least six weeks after hobblin' off in the same game!
There iz aalso a 'doubt' aboot Yohan Cabaye and goalie Tim Krul's participation az they are said to have picked up a 'mysterious' injuries?

We fully expect that 'The Sammyobi bruvvers' and Steve Taylor <(remember him?) will take part with several resorve team players like 'Marveaux the Magician', 'Dummy' Dummett and 'The Angel Gabriel' (Obertan!) aalso in the line-up!? <(who says we divvint take the FA Cup seriously???)

'The Red Herrings' fans certainly take the FA CUP seriously az they will have a huge followin' of! ("wait for it!")> 300!---and they will be housed in 'The North East Corner' of the groond and NOT on Level 7 az waz expected!

The last thing we need iz a draw against them however!---which would meeen a midweek 630 mile roond trip doon to Wales for the replay, so we can anly hope that 'Dr Jykell' will torn up and NOT 'Mr Hyde' az happened @ West Brom on New Years Day!

"WHICH TOON TEAM SHALL WE PLAY
AGAINST CARDIFF TODAY, DOCTOR?"

The 4th roond draw iz on ITV @ approx. '2 bells' on Sunday afternoon!----but dependin' on how we play and wot team we put oot today---will we be in it???

A full match report will of course be in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow!---and az we've said many times before!---watch this space!

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 1 THE TOON 0*** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 2nd January 2014

THE TOON (in Brazil yellow) MAKE A DESPERATE LAST ATTACK TO GET
THE EQUALISER DEEP INTO INJURY TIME (to no avail!)

"UNHAPPY NEW YEAR!"

We jumped onto the 'Cross Country' 'snail train' @ 'The Central' @ 7.30 am bells and arrived @ New Street, Bormingham some 4 torturous hours later, where it waz 'chuckin it doon'!

'THE WELLY'   "OPEN AALL HOURS!"

A couple of pints in 'The Wellington' reel ale bar up the hill from the station waz followed by a search for anothaa boozer that waz open, az we wandered aboot like lost sheep in the poarin rain tryin' to find one!


"NAMED AND SHAMED!"  'THE OLD CONTEMPTIBLES' WAZ CLOSED!
('CONTEMPTIBLE' IF YOO ASK US!)

Eventually after 20 minutes we foond one caalled 'The Old Royal' and we stopped there til it waz time to heed for the train to 'The Hawthorns' from Snow Hill Station <(shud have been caalled 'Rain' Hill!) 


"SANCTUARY!"  'THE OLD ROYAL' WAS OPEN!

It waz then onwards to the match and on enterin' wor end, Toon fans were havin' a 'beer fight' on the concourse underneath the stand so we made straight for wor seats az one soakin' waz enough with the rain!

NUFC's 'Mr Hyde' torned oot I'm afraid and the we didn't have one solitary shot on target in the entire half (neetha did 'The Baggie Troosers'!) and we could anly hope for better in the 2nd period az sheets of rain enveloped the groond!

Ne such luck!--I'm afraid!--- az the two teams looked likely to play oot a goal-less draw az the 2nd half wore on!

And then the tornin' point of the game came in the 62nd minute when Debuchy needlessly got sent off with a two footed tackle on Yocab and it waz obvious wot coloured card the ref waz gannin to get oot of hiz 'sky rocket'!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE BORMINGHAM ROAD END
(View from row LL seat 3)

WBA then attacked wor goal for the elusive goal and had several chances to take the lead against the 'Tyneside Ten'!.
But then---just az we thought we would get away with a draw, sub Ben Arfa lost possession and Tim Krul brought doon Vyria in the box to give 'The Baggie Troosers' a penalty with just three minutes left on the clock!
Berhino took it and just beat Tim Krul to win the game for the home side---their forst win in TEN games!
A desperately dissappointin' result after wor recent good wins on the road!

'Mr Hyde' must have been on wor train back yem az well, az it waz announced ower the train tannoy near Lichfield that there wasn't a driver to take us from Derby Station and we would be delayed 40 minutes at least, unil they foond one! (the driver who took us from Bormingham finished hiz shift at Derby!)
Finally, one torned up <(Horray!) and we eventually got back to Tyneside late into the neet!
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!?" < (yi'v got to be kiddin'!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini (Yanga 65), Williamson, Santon, Cabaye, Tiote, Sissoko, Remy, Shola Ameobi (Haidara 76), Gouffran (Ben Arfa 46)

Attendance: 26,430 (2,600 'hung over' Toon fans!)

"HAPPY NEW YORE FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!"

'Baggie Troosers' match report to follow sometime tomorrow!

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON *** NEW YEARS DAY!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Tuesday New Years Eve 31st December 2013

ACTION FROM LAST SEASON @ WBA (WE DREW 1-1)
THE TOON ARE IN MAROON

We must now torn wor attention to next year when we play 'The Baggie Troosers of West Brom' @ The Hawthorns tomorrow afternoon!

We are on the '7:41 bells' train to New Street (Bormingham) in the morn where plenty of hangowers are expected!
Aall 2,600 tickets we have been allocated were selt oot ages ago and @ just FIFTEEN quid it will be a fairly cheap day oot (apart from the £50 train fare!)

Az far az we are aware there are ne new injuries to report and expect the same startin' line up az wor last game against 'The Arse' on Sunday!

Amazingleee it iz 21 years since we last played an away game on New Years Day---Against Soothend in 1992---a 4-0 defeat! (for a horror match report on this---scroll doon the page!)

THE TOON U21 RESORVES 2 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE U21 RESORVES 1 *** U21s LEEGUE CUP

Posted '11:33am bells' Tuesday 'New Years Eve'  31st December 2013


ACTION FROM THE 1st HALF *** PLAYED IN FRONT OF AN
 'ELECTRIC' ATMOSPHERE!
("ER!"---"THE 'ELECTRIC' FLOODLIGHTS THAT IZ!")


On a freeezin' caad neet in Benton the resorves progressed to the next stage on the U21 Premyaa Leegue Cup with a 2-1 win ower 'The Foxes of Leicester' in front of a sparse crowd!

The Toon took the lead in the 39th minute when Bigiramana raced doon the field and blocked an attempted clearance from the visitors keeper and the baall eventually ended up at Adam Armstrong's feet and he sidefooted the baall into the net!

'BLURRED' ACTION FROM THE 2nd HALF!
(A'D HAD A FEW PINTS BY THIS TIME!)

We doubled wor lead with just 12 mins to gan when Tom Heardman ran doon the right and crossed for Armstrong to fire home and claim hiz 'brace'!

Fower 'Basil Brush Brigade' diehards were standin' next to us and one lass kept on whisperin' "Come on guys!" beneath hor breath and it paid off just before the end when they pulled a goal back, when Dawson beat Alnwick in The Toon goal with 3 mins remainin' from a tight angle!

We were absolutleee freeezin' by this time and the last thing we needed waz extra time and penalties az Leicester laid siege to wor goal in the last couple of minutes, but thankfully the ref blew for full time and the 381 Toon fans in the crowd went yem happy az we progressed to the qwaata final stage of the competition!

Attendance: 385 (4 'Basil Brush Brigade-ites')

THE TOON U21 RESORVES v 'THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE' U21 RESORVES *** U21s LEEGUE CUP *** TONEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 30th December 2013

Wor resorves are in action against 'The Foxes of Leicester' @ 'Blue Flames' (aka Whitley Park) in Benton toneet, in a cup tie that iz sure to attract a 'bumper' 100 plus crowd! (the last time we were here 125 actually torned up!)

For those of yoo who are 'plonkies', there's a clubhoose at the groond owerlookin' the pitch to quensh your thorst before the game and at half time!
Extra time and penalties <(god forbid!) will take place shud the honours be even after 90 minutes <(lets hope not coz we want a few 'liquid lubrications' after the match!)

Admission az per usual iz FREE to season ticket and membership card holders!
Aall othaaz must pay £3 for big sprogs and £1 for little and old sprogs etc!

A 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' sometime on New Years Eeeve!

THE TOON 0 THE ARSE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Updated '11:44am bells' Monday 30th December 2013


YOHAN CABAYE (LEGS IN PICTURE) HITS THE BAR JUST BEFORE THE BREAK!

"SWINGS AND ROONDABOOTS!"

If we had some fortuitous refereein' decisions against 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' on Boxin' Day, then the exact revorse happened yesterday dinnaatime az Lee Probert gave us 'nixxy'!

The main taalkin' point of the game waz a free kick NOT awarded to Anita for The Toon at the mid-point of the 2nd half and then just 30 seconds after this, a dive by Santi Cazorla who waz adjudged to have been fouled by Tiote, resulted in the anly goal of the game when Walcott chipped the baall forward from the edge of the box.
Hiz chip foond Giroud, who, with the merest for touches put the baall past Tim Krul in The Toon goal! (mebeez Santi Cazorla shud be caalled 'Santi CLAUSE'! for hiz free kick 'gift')

'The Arse' had come oot to win the game from the 'off' and we defended for the forst 20 minutes before 'getting a grip' to fight back!
We could have taken the lead just before the break when Cabaye hit the bar @ 'The Gallowgate End', (see above pic) but hiz effort unfortunately went ower! (THAT waz wor best chance of the game!)



THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

Near the end we laid siege to 'The Arses' goal and even Tim Krul came up for a couple of corners but it waz to ne avail az the visitors hung on to reclaim top spot in The Premyaa (we drop to 8th!)

Really we matched them for most of the match and were unfortunate to say the least not to come away with a point---thanx mainly to the man in black!

After the match wor manager, 'I Beg Your Pardew', said: "There was definatly a foul on Anita, before the goal, without a shadow of doubt!--there was also a foul on Sissoko that the referee didn't give!"
"Against Stoke we had all the calls go our way and today, perhaps, we were on the other side of it!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Tiote, Anita (Shola Ameobi 74), Sissoko (Haidara 79), Cabaye, Gouffran (Ben Arfa 62), Remy

Attendance: 52,161 (highest of the season and highest in Britain once again!) (az per usual 'The Arseholes' took up their full 3,000 allocation high up in 'the gods' of 'The Leazes End'!)