THE SWAN LAKERS 3 THE TOON 0 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 5th December 2013

THE TOON (in dark blue) ATTACK THE SWANZEE GOAL
FROM A RARE CORNER! (View from row 'S')

"NINETEEN (and a half!) HOURS OF PURE PURGITORY!"

The torturous bus jorney started off ootside St James' Park, where aa boarded the coach just before '10 am bells' and 10 minutes later we were off on wor 750 mile 'epic'? roond trip to sooth Wales!

Withoot borin' yoo to death aboot bein' held up in jams and roadworks, we eventually arrived ootside Swanzee's groond at 'qwaata past six bells', some EIGHT hours (plus) after leavin' Tyneside!

This meant that we didn't have much drinkin' time before the kick off so we heeded for 'The Harvester' next to the groond, where three pints of 'Strongbow' were quickly dispatched doon mee 'Gregory', before heedin' for the tornstiles.

More than *2,000 Toon fans had made the awkward lang jorney and they were in good voice in anticipation of anothaa good result in the offing az the game kicked off! ---WRANG!
Wot we got waz one of wor 'Mr Hyde' performances and any excuses that ref Howard Webb didn't give us at least THREE blatant penalty shud not detract from an aaful performance @ The Liberty Stadium by us!

Both teams were c*ap in the forst period, with the anly action of note that aa can remember bein' a heeder by Loic Remy that waz tipped around the post by Swanzee keeper Vorm!


"THE WEBB OF DECEIT!"

And then in the second period 'the wheel came off' <(just like in a vorse of 'The Blaydon Races' song!) after we were denied TWO blatant 'hand baall' penalties for Remy and Cabaye and a shove in the back for Gouffran in the box, makin' THREE major penalty decisions missed by Webb??? <(yoo shud gan to 'Specsavers' mate!) 

Swanzee then took the lead through Shelvey when hiz shot waz deflected off Debuchy and az we didn't look az though we could hit a barn door at this stage it looked 'game ower' at this point!

Two forthaa home goals sealed wor fate az we faced wor forst defeat in five!
Like aa say Howard Webb didn't help us one bit, but wor inability to have any shots on target in the 2nd half proved to be wor doonfaall! "THREE NIL---TO THE REFEREE!"

We then faced the torturous jorney yem via detours for motorway closures arrivin' yem at '5:30 am bells' and nineteen hours plus after leavin' from St James'***
"NEVER AGAIN!" <(whey! aa said that the last time az well!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy Williamson (Yanga 77), Coloccini, Santon (Haidera 56), Sissoko, Tiote, Cabaye, Gouffran, Remy Shola Ameobi (Obertan 67)

Attendance: 20, 457 (more than 2,000 Toon fans?) <(some sources say anly 1,000 plus?) < (looked aroond aboot the 2,000 mark to me---like!)

THE SWAN LAKERS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW NEET IN SOOTH WALES!

Posted '2:10pm bells' Tuesday 3rd December 2013

We face the langest possible trip for a Premyaa Leegue match when we make the 750 mile roond trip to Swanzee tomorrow neet @ '7:45 bells'!
We understand that the away end iz a complete selloot, but don't yet naa just how many tickets we got?

Just why we must make this jorney mid-week iz anybodys guess? but surly they could have arranged for this to be played at a weekend to help the fans oot! <(but who cares aboot us anyway???)

We leave from ootside the Milburn Stand main entrance @ '10 bells' and will arrive in sooth Wales many hours later az the bus negotiates the inevitable traffic jams and road works on the way!

A'm dein' a neetshift 'Truck run' to the west Bormingham area again toneet (mee 95th since Joon!) and hope to be finished by '4 bells' in the mornin' at the latest! <(famous last words!)
This meeenz aa would be able to grab fower hours kip before heedin' for the Barrack Road pick up point! (the 'plan', bein', to faall asleep on the bus on the way doon!)

A full match report of course will be forthcomin' on Thorsday, so watch this space to see if we can win 'five in a row' @ 'The Liberty'! 

TOON U21s v CHELSKI U21s ***THIS AFTERNOON @ SJP!

Posted '11:02am bells' Monday 2nd December 2013

For those of yoo with a free afternoon there iz the opportunity to see a rare Resorve game bein' played @ 'HQ'!

The U21s Leegue game against 'The OAPs of Chelski'  haz been switched from 'Blue Flames' in Benton and will kick off @ '1:00 bells' this afternoon!

Admission iz via 'The East Stand' and iz FREE to NUFC season ticket and membership holders!
Aaall othaaz must pay £3 for big kids and £1 for zimmerframeites and sprogs!

Unfortunately aa DIVVINT have a 'free afternoon' and have to gan to 'graft' to pay for wor trips to Swanzee on Wednesday and 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Saturday!

But fear not!--a full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' from wor faithful carrier pigeon, Percy!---

"HURRY UP! THE GAME KICKS OFF AT 'ONE BELLS'!"
"COOO!"

AZ USUAL! 'The Geordie Times' will bring yoo this match report---forst hand!---second!---Watch this space tomorrow!

24 HOURS LATER!
Percy reports that we drew 1-1 with Adam Campbell gettin' wor goal orly on in front of 365 hardy souls! "Cooooo!!!" <(It's hardly an 'in depth' match report ---iz it!?)

THE TOON 2 THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 1 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st December 2013

We gan in to the month of December in a European place and above both the Manc clubs (for the time bein' at least!) after we beat The Baggie Troosers of West Brom 2-1 @ St James' Park late yesterday afternoon!

Indeed!---az we speak!---we are anly ONE point off a Champions Leegue spot and just behind 'The Liverbirds' who are in 2nd place az we find worsels in the unlikely position of fifth in 'The Premyaa'!

The game waz 'to and fro' in the orly stages az both sides tried to grab the lead and the breakthrough went in wor favour in the 36th minute, when after nice work from both Cabaye and Shola the baall fell to Gouffran who backheeded the yellow rotund object past Myhill in the WBA goal, for hiz thord home goal 'in a row' @ 'The Leazes End'!

Predicableee!---The Baggie Troosers fought back in the 2nd period and drew level in the 53rd minute when Brunt (the C***!) fired in a superb effort to give Tim Krul 'ne chance' in The Toon goal!

But much better waz to follow from us az 'oot of the blue' just fower minutes later 'The Sissoko Kid' produced a 'goal of the month' rocket shot from thorty yards oot which beat Myhill 'aall ends up' to send the crowd wild!

This torned oot to be the winnin' goal and a desorved three points for The Toon and of course wor fourth 'win in a row' in November! 

'The Geordie Times' prediction of a 50,000 crowd waz just 702 oot (49,298) but ower 100,000 have torned up to see wor last two home games against mediocre (Norwich) and average (WBA) opponents in the last week! (49,298 + 51,328 = 100,626!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Tiote, Cabaye, Sissoko (Cisse 90 +5!), Gouffran, Shola Ameobi, Remy (Anita 84)

Attendance: 49,298 (1,500 Baggie Troosers)
(The highest crowd in Britain ower the weekend!)

Footnote: In the 11th minute of the game there waz a minutes applause on the 2nd anniversary of wor former number 11 Gary Speed's death.
R.I.P. GARY!

THE TOON v THE BAGGIE TROOSERS *** TEATIME TODAY!

Updated 1:10pm bells' Saturday 30th November 2013

ACTION FROM WOR HOME GAME v WBA LAST SEASON
(WE WON 2-1!)

We now torn wor attention to teatime today when we play 'The Baggie Troosers of West Brom' in a live telly game @' 5:30 bells' @ St James' Park!

Amazingly we are lookin' for wor FOURTH 'win on the spin' and find worsels in the dizzy heights of EIGHTH place in 'The Premyaa' and anly TWO! points off a Champions Leegue spot!

'The Baggies' we think, will be a lot harder to beat than 'The Canary Custards of Norwich', who we played last Saturday! (They have anly lost ONCE oot of SIX on their travels this season!)

We understand that wor visitors have sent back up to half their allocation of tickets, so extra ones are on sale in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes End' to Toon fans!

Team news: We understand that Debuchy is OK to play and that 'Spiderman' iz back in trainin' (Gutierrez)
Paul Dummett iz aalso available for selection az well!

Anothaa 50,000 plus crowd iz predicted by 'us' and a full match report will follow sometime tomorrow mornin'!
And az for the scoreline???---this iz NUFC we are taalkin' aboot---anythin' can happen!
Az per usual ---watch this space!

NORTH EAST ENGLAND TOP 20 AVERAGE GATES

Updated '2:40 pm bells' Wednesday 27th October 2013

ST JAMES' PARK FROM LEAZES PARK

The latest crowd figures for the north east have just been updated by 'The Geordie Times' stat man ---and yet again! we are 'top of the pile by a mile'!

1 THE TOON***50,375
2 SMBs***42,709
3 The Smog Monsters***15,375
4 The Monkey Hangers***3,583
5 Darlo***1,117
6 The Heed Bangers***775
7 Spenny***417
8 Berwick Strangers***390
9 The Whitley Bay Watchers***323
10 The Spartans of Blyth***319
11 The Bishops***244
12 West Auckland Toon***231
13 The Pit Yaakers of Ashington***199
14 Shildonians***182
15 The Maske-er Raiders***180
16 The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston***178
17 North Sheeelds***175
18 By Hook or by Crook***150
19 Woof Woof Terriers***149
20 Guisboro Toon***141

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS (FOR BEGINNERS!)

Posted '1:13pm bells' Tuesday 26th November 2013

Aa naa this iz a little bit late!--but wor Resorve U21s are playin' Bormingham @ St Andrews this afternoon in less than an hours time @ '2 bells' in the new U21 Premier League 'League Cup' for any new NUFC groundhoppers who fancy it?

But yi'd better hurry az it normally teks three hours to drive there in a 'jam-jar' <(rocket boosters needed!) 

It's ironic to say the least that aall be passin' St Andrews toneet @ aboot '8 bells', a groond yoo can see from the M6 Motorway!
(ie: aa WON'T be there!) <(been there many times before of course and got the 'T Shirt' in the 1970s!)

STOP PRESS! We've just foond oot that yoo can watch the game on Bormingham's 'U Tube' channel!

STOP!***STOP PRESS!***We lost 2-1 with Ronaldo Aarons gettin' wor goal so anothaa cup gans 'doon the pan'!

"USA AALL THE WAY!" *** "15,000 YANKYOOZ!"

Posted 1:13pm bells Monday 25th November 2013

"GEORDIE TIMES AALL THE WAY!"

Ower the weekend the USA recorded it's fifteen thousandth hit on 'The Geordie Times' website, which iz one thord of the total UK hits!

Az per usual the 'celebrations' have started in New York az the 'ritual' of climbin' The Empire State Building by King Kong continues!

We thank each and everyone of yoo from 'across the pond' for loggin' into this site!
88,387***the total pageviews to date
145***the total number of countries and territories to have viewed this site (plus Mars!)  

Countries with more than 1,000 pageviews:

1 UK***45,905
2 USA***15,232
3 UKRAINE***4,236
4 'Mee old' CHINA***2,510
5 JAWMANY***1,776
6 THE GUINNESS REPUBLIC***1,071

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

FULL CONSETT HILLBILLIES MATCH REPORT FROM LAST FRIDAY BELOW!

THE CONSETT HILLBILLIES 1 TOON XX11 2 ***GROUND 306 ***BELLE VUE STADIUM, CONSETT

Ground number 306
Date of 1st Visit: 24th November 2013
Belle Vue Stadium, Consett, Coonty Durham

Consett  1
Newcastle United XX11 !  2  (Adam Campbell, Mystery Man 1?)

Friendly Fixture to open new groond
Attendance: 1,200 (estimated)

"THE CONSETT PARTY***OR!****
THE MUTHAA IN LAWS PARTY!?" 

The afternoon started off near the 'banks o the Tyne' @ '4 bells'  when we set off in 'The Caped Crusaders' new 'bat-mobile' ('plus 2' on hiz temp gauge!) for the 12 mile torturous jorney through the rush hour traffic to Consett high up in the moontains of Coonty Durham where we arrived half an hour later! <("Er!"---the jorney wasn't that bad!)

After parkin' up in the 'Hillbillies' club car park we made for the Travellers Rest a couple of hundred yards up the road for some much needed 'sustenance' to waam us up <(John Smith's!) az it waz 'minus 5' by then!  

It waz then onward to the new Consett clubhouse where a pint of Banks Bitter waz purchased by 'yours truelee'!
It looked like dorty dishwaataa and tasted just the same az aa struggled to drink the noxious substance! "AAaaaggggg!!!!!"

The clubhouse waz packed, mainly with scantily clad lasses who were to perform at 'The Consett Party' openin' ceremony, with dancin', handstands and somersaults on the pitch az Peter Beardsley opened the new groond! <(they are a hardy lot up here---that's for sure!)

'Dave from York then entered the bar and telt us excitedly that this waz hiz 250th groond watchin' The Toon, becomin' anly the FIFTH Toon fans to have joined 'The Qwaataa of a THOOSAND'  Grounds Club! <("Well done Dave!---yoo sad b*stard!")
(For the record the othaaz are 'The Caped Crusader', 'Glennn from Ashington', 'Biffa the Beer' and little ol' me!, 'Fink' ('the mad-sad groundhopper'!)

Dave then informed us that hiz 'sidekick' and fellow 'mad-sad groundhopper' 'Alex of St George' WASN'T comin' az he had decided to attended hiz mutthaa in laws 70th borthday party, instead of 'The Consett Party'! <(wots the world comin' to???)

Threats of divorce proceedings from their lass and bornt Sunday dinners with luke waam, lumpy Bisto gravy, for the next SIX MONTHS, 'blackmailed' him to de the former, but wot 'muthaa in law hater' Les Dawson would have made of it aall iz anybodys guess???

"ALEX!---YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO 'THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS!"

The match was delayed 25 minutes to let the crowd in az we froze to death near one of the corner flags in the Arctic conditions, where we had stood for FORTY MINUTES! <(honestly!---we wished that the match could have been ower before it had started!)

Played on a synthetic pitch we took the lead through Adam Campbell in the 30th minute with a low shot, before the home side equalised orly in the 2nd half.

By this time mee 'tootsies' on mee right foot were freezin' 'off' az aa jumped up and doon tryin' to keep waam!

We regained the lead late on through 'Mystery Man 1? who heeded the baall in from a corner taken by 'Mystery Man 2', az we played virtually an entirely different team in the 2nd period from the 1st! <(and we didn't have a clue who most of them were?) <(Under 16s we suspect!)
In total 22 players were used by us includin' 52 year old Peter Beardsley!

THE WINNIN' GOAL! 'MYSTERY MAN 2' TAKES A CORNER
AND 'MYSTERY MAN 1' HEEDS HOME (CENTRE OF PIC)

Attendance: 1,200 (estimated) (approximately 300 fans were there at the finish!) <(includin' us, who had severe frostbite by this time!)

PS: and for the record!, we later foond oot that the corner waz taken by Joe Kerridge and the winnin' goal waz scored by Jamie Cobain!