SENSATIONAL NEWS FROM NUFC!***"TRIGGER GETS 'THE BULLET'!" ***"GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!"

Posted '7:55pm bells' Wednesday 26th Joon 2013

Part Three:

After just FIVE MINUTES into hiz new job az MD of NUFC, Trigger from 'Only Fools and Horses' haz been sensationally sacked, az the club have foond oot that he iz anly 65 years old!<(born 22nd April 1948)

The clubs criteria for the vacancy clearly stated that the applicants must be at least 66 years old and that they shud caall players by their wrang names!

He passed the second part of the test easily, just like wor new 'Director of Futbaall' did, but the fact that he iz below the age limit, haz forced 'The Fat Controller' to sack him forthwith!

"THE SEARCH GANS ON!"

THE ASH CLOUDS ARE GATHERIN'!

Posted '2:15pm bells' Tuesday 25th Joon 2013


"THE FRONT PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'
SEZ AALL YOO NEED TO NAA!"

Last neet in a packed 'Newcastle Labour Club' (which, for those of yoo who divvint naa, lies within eezy 'hocklin distance' of St James' Park!), a meetin' of 'Newcastle Fans United' took place and a vote no confidence waz not suprizingleee given to wor 'beloved' owner aftaa the farcical events of the last few days! www.nufcfansutd.com

He haz been asked to sell the club before it's tooo late, but we at 'The Geordie Times' feel that this certain to faall on 'deaf ears' once again!

We've hord that hundreds of fans have swamped the ticket office in the last week tryin' to cancel their season tickets for the forthcomin' season followin' 'the said' farcical events.

But they have aalso been told that they are 'tooo late' to de so and that they can't de anythin' til the next season ticket renewals come oot next February! (ie that they will have to pay for the season tickets they have signed direct debits for, wethaa they like it or not!)
 
Aall in the mad-sad life of an NUFC fan!

LATEST PRE SEASON FIXTURES UPDATE!

Posted '2:35pm bells' Monday 24th Joon 2013

ESTADIO DO RIO AVE

At last!---NUFC have finally annoonced their Portugese pre season plans!

The games against Vitoria Setubal, Arouca and Estoril have been 'binned' and we now play two unknown teams caalled Rio Ave on Sat 20th July and Pacos de Ferreira on Tue 23rd July.

However!--and closer to home, there is ne mention of a game against Rangers @ Ibrox Park which had been mooted?

More info to follow when we find oot!

For the complete pre season fixture list, scroll doon the page!

NUFC LATEST PRE SEASON FIXTURE NEWS

Posted 10:00am bells' Sunday 23rd Joon 2013


FC AROUCA'S MAIN STAND!
("BUT WILL WE BE SITTIN' IN IT!?")


After the 'madhoose' events of last week, it's time to 'move on' and look at wor pre season futbaall fixtures once again!
Anothaa game haz been mentioned in Portugal against a team we've nevaa hord of caalled FC Arouca who play near Porto, where NUFC are reputed to be havin' a trainin' camp?

The game iz said to be played a month today on Tuesday 23rd July, but NE confirmation (az per usual at wor chaotic club!) haz been annoonced and so we are left 'in limbo' once again, like last pre season, when some European friendly games were anly conformed a week before they were played!<(late flight bookins of course meen much higher prices!)

To forthaa complicate things, Arouca's groond (which holds a 'mind bogglin 2,500 spectators!) iz bein' re-built and there are doubts az to wethaa the game can take place there anyway, because of this!---meenin' that it COULD be played BCD! (Behind Closed Doors!) or somewhere else!???

Aall in the chaotic life of the 'mad-sad groundhoppers, who have very deep pockets <(with ne money in them!) and take such things in their stride'!

We still divvint naa if or when the game against Rangers @ Ibrox will take place eetha?---but JULY haz been mentioned to 'narrow it doon a bit'!

The latest fixture and rumours are below!
   

"THAT WAZ THE WEEK THAT WAZ!"**** "THE LUNATICS HAVE TAKEN OWER THE ASYLUM!"

Posted '3:40pm bells' Saturday 22nd Joon 2013

"SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS
OF ST JAMES' PARK!"

 

"WELCOME TO THE MADHOOSE!"

Sunday: 'JoeK in Your Ear' iz appointed 'Director of Fools' (er sorry!) 'Footbaall' @ St James' Park by 'The Fat Controller'!
He then 'infamouslee' caalls Yohan Cabaye, Yohan KEBAB! amongst many othaa gaffs on live radio, like sayin' that he iz more intelligent than the fans!??? 

Monday: 'Joek' tells us that HE signed goalie Tim Krul, when in fact he waz signed in the Glenn Roeder era in 2006---THREE YEARS before 'Joek' ever set foot in St James' Park! (some intelligence!)

Tuesday: "The backlash starts az irate and dissalooshed fans inundate the 'Ronny Gill' with negative reaction to the appointment! (TEN pages of the 'local rag' are devoted to the story!)

Wednesday: MD 'Llambs to the Slaughter' resigns suddenly, to add to the chaos!

Thorsday: Sir John Haall gets involved and admits for the forst time that it waz a big (big!) mistake to sell the club to 'The Fat controller'!

Friday: The bar named 'Shearer's' underneath The Gallowgate End iz no more az the sign is ripped off with crowbars! (the 2nd time crowbars have been used to deface wor groond after the 'St. James' Park' signs were vandalised last year!)

Saturday: God naaz wot will happen today!---there's still more than eight hours left of the day!---so divvint haad yi breath! 

"OH NO!"****"NOW IT'S 'SHEARER'S BAR' FOR 'THE CHOP'!"

Updated '6:45pm bells' Friday 21st Joon 2013

Not! content with antaganizin' the Toon fans enough with the 'events' of the last week, crowbars have again been in action @ St James' Park az the 'SHEARER'S' sign haz been ripped off the bar named in hiz honour, underneath 'The Gallowgate End'!

'Big Al' iz said to be completleee 'stunned', 'dismayed' and 'betrayed' by it aall, and he said later:
"There was no consultation. I was simply informed be email of their decision to change the name!"
"It was not a question of me agreeing or disagreeing!"
"It's their ground and it's up to the owners what they want to do with it!" 
"It won't stop me buying my season ticket and supporting the team!"
(this iz wot happens when yoo 'dare' to critisise the club!)
 
Very soon (we are told!) a new name will appear above the bar!<('The Fat Controller Tavern', perhaps?)

We hord rumours two seasons ago that this waz gannin to happen at some time---and now the 'dasterdly deed' haz finally been done!

Why do the club feel the need to distance the fans from them once again, we ask worsels, az things just gan from 'sit-com' to 'pantomime'???

'Big Al' haz commented aboot the 'JoeK In Your Ear's appointment in today's 'Ronny Gill' and the shambolic way in which the club iz now run, caallin' us a 'LAUGHING STOCK'!<(he iz SO right!)

Wot the hell will 'The Fat Controller' de next???---we ask worsels???

It's HIZ 'train-set' and divvint we naaa it!!!!

"IT'S MY! TRAIN-SET!"
"AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!"

"WOT THE HELL IZ GANNIN' ON?"***"LIKE!!!???"

Posted '5:00pm bells' Thorsday 20th Joon 2013

The front page of today's 'Ronny Gill' sez it aall, consornin' the 'St James' mad-house' that haz engulfed us!
At last! Sir John Haall haz admitted that it waz a big (BIG!) mistake to sell the club to 'The Fat Controller'! (and not before time!)

NUFC PREMYAA LEEGUE FIXTURES 2013-2014

Posted '4:00pm bells' Thorsday 20th Joon 2013

Here are the Toon's fixtures for the comin' two months of the season. (aall of course subject to change for live telly!)
Az usual they are in 'Geordie Times Cryptic Code' to avoid copyright!

("GOD HELP US AALL!")

August 2013
Sat 17 The Blue Moonies, away '3 bells'
Sat 24 The Jellied Eels Mob, home '3 bells'
Sat 31 The Wacko Jacko Jivers, home '3 bells'

September 2013
Sat 14 The Hazbeens and Villians, away '3 bells'
Sat 21 The Broken Nose Bruce Brigade, home '3 bells'
Sat 28 The Toffee Noses, away '3 bells'

(More fixtures to follow when wa can be bothered!)

LLAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!

Posted '2:55pm bells' Wednesday 19th Joon 2013

^^^^^^^^^^^"WHO'S NEXT!???"^^^^^^

The backlash of 'JoeK In Your Ears' appointment haz aalready started az Derek Llambazee<('JoeK's pronoonseeeation of hiz name!) haz resigned az NUFC MD with immediate effect!

He apparently phoned from hiz holiday home in Sandy Bay<(not!) to inform TFC< (The Fat Controller) of hiz decision!

Who will be next to leave 'The NUFC Mad-Hoose' we ask worsels, az wor close season 'rest' from 'it aall', just gans from farcical to sit-com?

"OH YES!"---The Premya Leegue fixtures have just come oot today az well!---Can't wait for wor forst game away to 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester'!---an eezy three points for 'Joek' and 'The Fat Controller'!<(NOT!)

A full fixture list in 'Geordie Times Cryptic Code'<(to avoid any copyright infringements!) to follow later!---MUCH later!

"YOHAN!***YOHAN KEBABS!***EVERYONE KNOWS HIZ NAME!"

Updated '2:45pm bells' Tuesday 18th Joon 2013

'GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE'!
***JoeK's FORST SIGNIN'!

Toon fans have inundated the 'local rag' with their negative reaction to 'JoeK in Your Ears' forst rant az 'NUFC Director of Futbaall'.
Such iz the outcry of hiz appointment that a total of TEN PAGES! of today's 'Ronny Gill' have been devoted to this story!


FRONT PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!


Ubeleeevebleee!---he's referred to Yohan Cabaye az Yohan KEBABS! and MD Derek Llambias az Derek LAMBAZEE!

This iz on top of the last time he waz here, when he caalled Charles N'Zombia, Charles INSOMNIA!

BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!

We at 'The Geordie Times' think that HE iz the one with IMSOMNIA and not Charles!***Don't YOO think!???

And god naaz how he will pronoonce Gael Bigirama's name! 


"THE MIND BOGGLES!"