"THAT WAZ THE WEEK THAT WAZ!"**** "THE LUNATICS HAVE TAKEN OWER THE ASYLUM!"

Posted '3:40pm bells' Saturday 22nd Joon 2013

"SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS
OF ST JAMES' PARK!"

 

"WELCOME TO THE MADHOOSE!"

Sunday: 'JoeK in Your Ear' iz appointed 'Director of Fools' (er sorry!) 'Footbaall' @ St James' Park by 'The Fat Controller'!
He then 'infamouslee' caalls Yohan Cabaye, Yohan KEBAB! amongst many othaa gaffs on live radio, like sayin' that he iz more intelligent than the fans!??? 

Monday: 'Joek' tells us that HE signed goalie Tim Krul, when in fact he waz signed in the Glenn Roeder era in 2006---THREE YEARS before 'Joek' ever set foot in St James' Park! (some intelligence!)

Tuesday: "The backlash starts az irate and dissalooshed fans inundate the 'Ronny Gill' with negative reaction to the appointment! (TEN pages of the 'local rag' are devoted to the story!)

Wednesday: MD 'Llambs to the Slaughter' resigns suddenly, to add to the chaos!

Thorsday: Sir John Haall gets involved and admits for the forst time that it waz a big (big!) mistake to sell the club to 'The Fat controller'!

Friday: The bar named 'Shearer's' underneath The Gallowgate End iz no more az the sign is ripped off with crowbars! (the 2nd time crowbars have been used to deface wor groond after the 'St. James' Park' signs were vandalised last year!)

Saturday: God naaz wot will happen today!---there's still more than eight hours left of the day!---so divvint haad yi breath! 

"OH NO!"****"NOW IT'S 'SHEARER'S BAR' FOR 'THE CHOP'!"

Updated '6:45pm bells' Friday 21st Joon 2013

Not! content with antaganizin' the Toon fans enough with the 'events' of the last week, crowbars have again been in action @ St James' Park az the 'SHEARER'S' sign haz been ripped off the bar named in hiz honour, underneath 'The Gallowgate End'!

'Big Al' iz said to be completleee 'stunned', 'dismayed' and 'betrayed' by it aall, and he said later:
"There was no consultation. I was simply informed be email of their decision to change the name!"
"It was not a question of me agreeing or disagreeing!"
"It's their ground and it's up to the owners what they want to do with it!" 
"It won't stop me buying my season ticket and supporting the team!"
(this iz wot happens when yoo 'dare' to critisise the club!)
 
Very soon (we are told!) a new name will appear above the bar!<('The Fat Controller Tavern', perhaps?)

We hord rumours two seasons ago that this waz gannin to happen at some time---and now the 'dasterdly deed' haz finally been done!

Why do the club feel the need to distance the fans from them once again, we ask worsels, az things just gan from 'sit-com' to 'pantomime'???

'Big Al' haz commented aboot the 'JoeK In Your Ear's appointment in today's 'Ronny Gill' and the shambolic way in which the club iz now run, caallin' us a 'LAUGHING STOCK'!<(he iz SO right!)

Wot the hell will 'The Fat Controller' de next???---we ask worsels???

It's HIZ 'train-set' and divvint we naaa it!!!!

"IT'S MY! TRAIN-SET!"
"AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!"

"WOT THE HELL IZ GANNIN' ON?"***"LIKE!!!???"

Posted '5:00pm bells' Thorsday 20th Joon 2013

The front page of today's 'Ronny Gill' sez it aall, consornin' the 'St James' mad-house' that haz engulfed us!
At last! Sir John Haall haz admitted that it waz a big (BIG!) mistake to sell the club to 'The Fat Controller'! (and not before time!)

NUFC PREMYAA LEEGUE FIXTURES 2013-2014

Posted '4:00pm bells' Thorsday 20th Joon 2013

Here are the Toon's fixtures for the comin' two months of the season. (aall of course subject to change for live telly!)
Az usual they are in 'Geordie Times Cryptic Code' to avoid copyright!

("GOD HELP US AALL!")

August 2013
Sat 17 The Blue Moonies, away '3 bells'
Sat 24 The Jellied Eels Mob, home '3 bells'
Sat 31 The Wacko Jacko Jivers, home '3 bells'

September 2013
Sat 14 The Hazbeens and Villians, away '3 bells'
Sat 21 The Broken Nose Bruce Brigade, home '3 bells'
Sat 28 The Toffee Noses, away '3 bells'

(More fixtures to follow when wa can be bothered!)

LLAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!

Posted '2:55pm bells' Wednesday 19th Joon 2013

^^^^^^^^^^^"WHO'S NEXT!???"^^^^^^

The backlash of 'JoeK In Your Ears' appointment haz aalready started az Derek Llambazee<('JoeK's pronoonseeeation of hiz name!) haz resigned az NUFC MD with immediate effect!

He apparently phoned from hiz holiday home in Sandy Bay<(not!) to inform TFC< (The Fat Controller) of hiz decision!

Who will be next to leave 'The NUFC Mad-Hoose' we ask worsels, az wor close season 'rest' from 'it aall', just gans from farcical to sit-com?

"OH YES!"---The Premya Leegue fixtures have just come oot today az well!---Can't wait for wor forst game away to 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester'!---an eezy three points for 'Joek' and 'The Fat Controller'!<(NOT!)

A full fixture list in 'Geordie Times Cryptic Code'<(to avoid any copyright infringements!) to follow later!---MUCH later!

"YOHAN!***YOHAN KEBABS!***EVERYONE KNOWS HIZ NAME!"

Updated '2:45pm bells' Tuesday 18th Joon 2013

'GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE'!
***JoeK's FORST SIGNIN'!

Toon fans have inundated the 'local rag' with their negative reaction to 'JoeK in Your Ears' forst rant az 'NUFC Director of Futbaall'.
Such iz the outcry of hiz appointment that a total of TEN PAGES! of today's 'Ronny Gill' have been devoted to this story!


FRONT PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!


Ubeleeevebleee!---he's referred to Yohan Cabaye az Yohan KEBABS! and MD Derek Llambias az Derek LAMBAZEE!

This iz on top of the last time he waz here, when he caalled Charles N'Zombia, Charles INSOMNIA!

BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!

We at 'The Geordie Times' think that HE iz the one with IMSOMNIA and not Charles!***Don't YOO think!???

And god naaz how he will pronoonce Gael Bigirama's name! 


"THE MIND BOGGLES!"

THE TOON v SC BRAGA ****LATEST PRE SEASON FIXTURE NEWS 2013-2014

Posted '9:30pm bells' Monday 17th Joon 2013

At last!*** we have a HOME pre-season friendly game to tell yoo aboot!
Portugese side Sportin' Clube de Braga, who we played in 'The Algarve Tournament' at the beginnin' of last season, will provide the opposition @ St. James' Park on Saturday 10th August in a '6 bells' kick off ?

Just why this game iz kickin' off at that time on a Saturday iz anybodys guess and a lower attendance can be expected because of this!<(Saturday neet in 'The Toon' iz 'jumpin'!)

Two othaa games away in Portugal have aalso done the roonds, against Lisbon side, Estoril and Vitoria Setubal, which iz thorty miles forthaa sooth, but nothin' haz been conformed yet!

For the latest fixures of aall wor games planned pre-season so far***see below!

"THE BAD DREAM IZ IN FACT A NIGHTMARE, FOLKS!"

Posted the day after 'April Fools Day' '2:30pm bells' Monday Joon 17th 2013!

"THE 'MAIL' SEZ IT AALL!"

After wakin' up at dinnertime today (after workin neetshift) the bad dream aa thought a'd had this mornin' aboot 'Joke in your Ears' appointment az 'Director of Futbaall' at 'The Toon' torned into a nightmare, az aa picked up the 'Daily Mail' from mee local paper shop!

Haz it reeely come to this??? wor 'then' new manager, who f*****' swore a total of 52 f*****' times at hiz inaugural Toon press conference<(the 'Mail' must have coonted them!) in wor 2008-2009 relegation season, iz now in charge of AALL! incomin' NUFC transfors for the next 3 years!<(the length of hiz contract!)

Just wot current manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' and 'Chief Scout' Graham Carr makes of aall this iz anybody's guess?

And az for incomin' transfors???--divvint haad yer breath for any household names to sign on the dotted line!<(unless their surname begins with the letter 'F'!)

To say that we @ 'The Geordie Times' are totally underwhelmed and exaspirated by it all, iz the understatement of the year!

The 'JoeKs' just get worse and worse!---don't they just???
   

"A JOKE IN YOUR EAR***IT'S JOE KINNEAR!"

Posted April Fools Day 2013!

"I DON'T 'ADAM & EVE' IT!"

Aa thought it waz a 'wind-up' when a mate caalled Adam text me to say that 'the above' had been appointed 'NUFC Director of Futbaall! 

However! a quick check on nufc.com conformed that it WASN'T!

HELP! AA NEED A DRINK!"---QUICK!"

2013-2014 PRE SEASON FIXTURES ***LATEST! ("HEEDBANGERS AWAY!") ***DATE & TIME CHANGE!

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 16th Joon 2013

The NUFC X1 fixture against Gatesheed which waz added to the 'list' of games for pre season haz now been moved a day forward to the Friday neet from the advertised Saturday.
We understand that this game iz C.I.S. (Cast In Stone!) and will now tek place @ Gatesheed International Stadium @ '7:30 bells' on Friday 2nd *August ("So divvint torn up on the Saturday afternoon, unless yi want to watch the grass grow!")
Admission will be ten poond for big kids, a fiver for zimmerframeites and just two quid for sprogs under 16 years old!

More planned games are imminent and will be posted 'forthwith', when we find oot the details!

For othaa fixture news, pleeeze scroll doon the page!

PS: I originally put that the 'Heed' game waz to be played on JULY 2nd.<(special thanx to 'eagle eyed' 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' for pointin' oot my 'dillibrit missteak'!)