THE TOON 0 THE SWAN LAKERS 0

Posted '9:00 pm bells' Saturday 17th December 2011

"ELEVEN IN HEAVEN!"

A goalless draa was the ootcome of todays encoonta @ St James' Park where Swanzee were the visitors.
An East Stand tribute to wor former number 11 Gary Speed waz witnessed by his family on the pitch before the game began and Welsh anthem 'Bread of Heaven' waz sang by a tenor on the pitch 

51,767 were present inside St James' (which incloooded aroond aboot 1,800 Swanzee fans, but there waz ne sign of their mascot 'Cedric The Swan'?) (see below!)

The ref had obviousleee forgot his yellow cards in the forst half az at least three of the visitin' team shud have been booked for dodgy tackles, but the man in 'black n blue' wud have 'non of it'!

In total we had 17 shots  on the visitors goal, (includin' 3 which hit the woodwork!) compared to their 3 off target efforts, but blatant time wastin' ensured that the Welshmen went yem with their FIFTH! goalless draw of the season so far (ne wonder that 'Cedric' neva torned up!)

The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge reached the halfway point when we visited 'Eclipse' @ preciseleee '1:41 pm bells' to record wor 50th boozer! (more to follow on this later!---much!----later!)

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS---TODAY

Updated '10:30 am bells' Saturday 17th December 2011

'CEDRIC THE SWAN' IN FULL FLIGHT!
----"IT DOESNT GET MUCH WORSE THAN THIS FOLKS!"

This afternoon we welcome Swanzee to St James' Park for wot will be an historic day az (see next story below) they will be makin' the langest ever road jorney in top flight history with a roond trip of 717 miles from sooth Wales.
Amongt their travellin' fans will be a 'famous Welsh celebrity? (NO!---NOT Tom Jones or Charlotte Church!) "ER!"----I meen of course 'Cedric the Swan' who iz the club's iconic? mascot (god help them!)
We have absolutleee ne idea wetha Cedric iz flyin' up under 'hiz own steam' or 'slummin it on the supporters bus!???'

Anyway!---enough of that!---the team news for us looks a bit more promisin' and (hopefully!) 'Fab' Coloccini and Mike Williamson will be part of wor defence today (we need them afta wot happened @ Norwich last week!) and the retorn of midfielder Cheick Tiote? and a 50,000 crowd iz antisipated for the third home game in a row.

'THE GEORDIE TIMES' 100 PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE

The 100 pub crawl challenge continues unabated @ 'high noon bells' in 'The Centurion'  which iz reet next to the Central Station. Why not join us for a 'lunchtime liquid' in wot will be 'liquid lubrication location' number 47 on the list!

GARY SPEED REMEMBERED

17 members of Gary Speed's family are expected to attend todays match and fans in the East Stand will hold up cards depictin' Gary's number 11 shirt he wore when he played for us.

"GARY!---WE WILL REMEMBER YOU!---R.I.P!"

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS---HISTORY IN THE MAKIN'!

Posted '10:15 am bells' Saturday 17th December 2011

History will be made today when 'The Swan Lakers' make their forst ever Premya Leegue visit to St James' Park, for this will be the langest ever road jorney between two top flight clubs, since the Futbaall League was formed 123 years ago in 1888!

The team and some fans will ne doubt opt to fly, but most of  their fans will make the 358.5 mile record road jorney in the orly hours of today, which iz the precise distance between the two groonds.
(That's a roond trip of 717 miles!)
We have of course played 'The Swans' previously but this was in the Championship and the aad 2nd Division

The previous record was between worsels and Pompey which iz 345.5 miles from groond to groond. (Soothampton. incidentleee iz 331.8 miles distant!)

Plymouth of course is forther away again at 408.1 miles, but they have NEVA played in the top flight before! (Er!---the way things are gannin, they'll be playin' Gatesheed next season in the Conference!)

SMB 'BRAIN-DEAD-DUCK-EGGS'!-----ON TOUR!

Posted '4:15 pm bells' Friday 16th December 2011

The front page (& page 5) of toneets 'Ronny-Gill' sez it aall!

mackem skipper lee blackcattemole and nicklarsehole bendtner, 'bent' some cars in a 'wreckin' spree' in the Chinatoon area of The Toon at aroond '10 pm bells' on Tuesday 6th December and have been charged with CRIMINAL DAMAGE to several vehicles in Stowell Street, which iz not far from St James' Park!
They were apparently arrested last neet at an address in NEWCASTLE!

The question iz!---WHY? do these 'brain-dead duck-eggs' feel the need to come to The Toon to vandalise cars in a wreckin' spree and WHY? do they want to live in Geordieland anyway?, when there iz plenty of perfectlee good accomodation in pennywell, mackemland???

pennywell skyline---parkhurst road!

DID YOO SPOT WOR 'DILIBRATE MISTEAK'!?

Posted '3:20 pm bells' Thorsday 15th Decenber 2011

On Tuesday 
'The Geordie Times' did a report on The Toons resorve match against Bolton Wanabeez.
At the top of the page we gave the date az 133th December 2011 and we were inindated with 'e mails' tellin' us so! ("Whey!---ONE!---anyway!")

This waz a dilibrite mistayk on wor part to try and catch yoo oot!------Az we aall naa there are anly 131 days in December!----WELL SPOTTED!

THE TOON RESORVES 1---'NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON', WANDERERS RESORVES 1

Posted '11:45 pm bells' Tuesday 133th December 2011

More than eight hours! afta the event 'The Geordie Times' can tell yoo that wor 'second string' drew  'one's a piece' with NWNB Wanderers ('see header') this afternoon @ Darsley Park in the behind closed doors Premier Resorve League game.

The game was played in a gale force wind with sleet and rain comin' doon incessantleee, so it's just az well that we wernt there!---like!

However!-- wor faithful carrier pigeon WAS THERE!---and he haz flown us in this 'special' match report he compiled, az he flew above the action! (whilst gettin' 'knocked off course' on several occasions due to the gales!) 

 MATCH REPORT SPECIAL!

The Toon took the lead in the nineth  minute when Dan Taylor heeded in from a few yards oot aafta fine work from Sam Adjei who crossed a great baall to him.

Halfway through the forst half the skies blackened and the sleet came doon, accompanied by a bitin' wind which made the conditions very difficult indeed (especially for wor pigeon!)

We tried to double wor lead in the second half, but to ne avail, and this was punished just six minutes from the end when Wanderers levelled things through O'Halloran who fired in from close range and the match ended 'aall square'

Divvint forget!---'The Geordie Times' will bring yoo the latest NUFC scores---second hand--first!

FA CUP TICKET and RESORVE NEWS

Posted '7:00 am bells' Tuesday 13th December 2011

Ticket news for wor forthcomin' game against The Tandoori Takeaway Rovers of Blackburn has been brought to us by 'pigeon post'.
Level 7 will NOT be open and fans in theeze section (includin' 'us'!) will have to move somewhere else in the groond as a low crowd is (obviously) antisipated by NUFC.

The lower sections haad 36,000 and az the visitors are expected to bring a 'motorcycle and sidecar load' of fans to the game, they will aalso have to be accommodated somewhere else az well! (probably the away dugoots!)

Ticket prices are a reasonable twenty quid for most sections and twenty five quid for the 'executive areas' like 'The Platinum Club', etc. Zimmerframeites, meeenwhile, are to be charged fifteen quid and sprogs 'a Lady Godiva' to get in!

Season ticket holders have until Thorsday neet to claim their tickets.

In otha news, the resorves play Bolton at Benton this afternoon and as seems to be the norm theeze days, NO fans will be allowed in---so divvint botha tornin' up coz yi WONT GET IN!

'Match report' from 'The Geordie Times' faithful 'carrier pigeon' will follow later toneet (he's gannih fly ower the groond at regular intervals!)

NIGHTMARE IN NORFOLK!

Updated '11:25 pm bells' Sunday 11th December 2011

THE CANARY CUSTARDS 4 
THE MAGPIES  2

"FORTY FIVE QUID!?---YI HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Anythin' that could have gone wrang, DID gan wrang in this trip to deepest Norfolk.
To cut a very lang story short we lost 4-2---had a nightmare THREE HOUR retorn bus jorney from Norwich to Peterborough, (where we were stuck in traffic for more than an hour in Norwich!) ---and finally to top it aall!-- some drunken idiot fell off the platform in front of the train at Durham Station at midneet, delayin' the train, (which JUST managed to stop before hittin' him!), meenin' that aa missed mee booked taxi yem at 'The Central' and aa finally got yem at 'ONE FIFTEEN bells' this mornin'!

MATCH REPORT

Both 'Fab' Coloccini and Steven Taylor were injured of course, which meant that James Perch and Danny Simpson had to take ower at the centre of wor defence and Davide Santon and Ryan Taylor played at full backs and this proved to be wor undooin'!
Perch defenatllee ISNT a centre half and 'Delias Rhubarb and Custards' took advantage of this and we were on the back foot from the word 'go'!

In the 39th minute the home side took the lead in dubious circumstances when the linesman on wor side of the pitch gave a corner when Toon keeper Tim Krul had definatly kept the baall in.
From the resultin' corner they scored (of course!) to angry protest from the Toon players and fans, who had a clear view of the linesmans mistake as we were dead in line with the goal line in the visitors enclosure.
However!---Demba Ba levelled things bang on half time when he fired home from a Cabaye pass to send the 1,400 Toon fans in the 'expensive end' wild with delight!
Chants of: "FORTY FIVE QUID!---YI HAVIN' A LAFF!", then reverbirated aroond the away end, in reference to the fact that we'd been charged that ridiculous amoont to get in (It's Xmas yi naa, Delia!)

'The Custards' retook the lead in the 59th minute through Holt and just 5 mins later it was 3-1 with an effort from Morrison.
Gosling was then sent off in the 66th minute for a bad tackle and aall looked lost unil Ba pulled another one back for us just 5 mins later  when he stroked the baall home from a Ameobi pass.
Any hope of salvagin' a point were dashed  when Holt got his 2nd for 'The Custards' in the 82nd minute to send us doon to 7th in the table.

And then of course we had the dreaded retorn jorney yem to face! (see above!)

That's just ONE point oot of a possible TWELVE in the last fower games----That unbeaten run looks a distant memory aalready!

Attendance: 26,816 (an aall seater record for Carrow Road) (1,400 Toon fans)

Az so many things went 't*ts up'!, I intend to de a 'Disaster Day Special' aboot the above trip for 'The Mad-Sad Groundhoppers Archive' and hope to have it on line by the end of the week!?---watch this space!

DELIAS (EXPENSIVE!) RHUBARB & CUSTARD CRUMBLES v THE TOON---TOMORROW!

Updated '5:45 am bells' Saturday 10th December 2011

"HIC!"--"LETS BE 'AVIN' YER MONEY!---
YER DAFT GULLIBLE GEORDIE B*****DS!"--"HIC!"

Today we travel to Norwich to take on 'Delias Custard Crumbles' @ 3 bells in the Premya Leegue.
News that 'Fab' Coloccini wont make it, is bad news to gan alang with Steven Taylor's injury.
This means that Davide Santon will probably fill in at full back and James Perch will start at centre back in a depleted defence.


The £45 admission iz scandalous for a club the size of Norwich and iz more than we were charged at both Manc clubs last month! (The Toon charged Chelsea fans £36 to get in last week!) 
Where will it aall end???

'The Geordie Times' iz on the 'five to seven bells' train this mornin' to Peterborough and then we have to jump on a F*****' replacement bus sorvice to get us to wor Norfolk destination, whch teks TWO hours! (memo: must take plenty of cans!)

Match report to follow much later when we (eventually!) get back!---probably orly on Sunday mornin'!

GARY SPEED FUNERAL---TODAY

Updated '3:10 am bells' Friday 9th December 2011

"R.I.P. GARY!"

The Funeral of Gary Speed is takin' place this afternoon at St Deiniols village church in Flintshire, where he married Louise.

A 'very private' occasion which is restricted to only close family and friends has been requested by his wife.

A memorial service is to be arranged later.