CISSE BANNED FOR 7 GAMES! **** EVANS FOR 6!

Updated '11:20am bells' Saturday 7th March 2015

CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT JONNY EVANS
DID HOCKLE IN PAPISS CISSE'S FACE!
IN A STATEMENT EVANS SAID:
 "I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I DID NOT SPIT AT PAPISS CISSE!" 

Followin' on from the now infamous spittin' incident between Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse on Wednesday neet @ St James', Cisse haz admitted and apologised for hiz reaction to Evans hocklin' in hiz face, (by doin' the same to him!) and haz been banned for the next SEVEN games!

This rules wor top goal scorer oot til the last 3 games of the season and he will miss games against The Toffee Noses, The Arse, The SMBs, The Liverbirds, Sporz, Swanzee and Lestaa!

Evans, on the othaa hand DENIED he did anythin' of the kind and waz defended by hiz manager Louis Van Crash <(apparently he's been in loads of road accidents!) claimin' that the incident DIDN'T happen and Jonny 'is a nice lad' and could never de such a thing???? <("Oh NO!?"---see top pic Louis!")

CISSE WIPES AWAY THE SPIT FROM HIZ FACE!

The 'excluuusive' footage obtained by 'The Geordie Times' clearly shows him hocklin' at Cisse az he stands above wor number 9!
How the hell can he deny THAT!? (He had until '6 bells' last neet to answer the charge! <("GUILTY MA' LORD!")

Updated Saturday: HE WAZ FOOND GUILTY OF COURSE AND BANNED FOR SIX GAMES!

THE TOON 0 THE MANC MUPPETEERS/COCKNEY REDS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:00am bells' Thorsday 5th March 2015

"LIFE CAN BE 'KRUL'!"

Wot can we say?---a game that waz peterin' oot into a goal-less draw waz won in the last minute of normal time when Mehdi Abeid sent a 100mph back pass to Tim Krul in The Toon goal and hiz disastrous 'panic attack' kick, foond the feet of Man U's Ashley Young, who had the simple task of slottin' the baall into the corner of the net from just 10 yards oot, to break wor hearts and send the 3,000 or so Manc/Cockney/Irish/Welsh (etc etc!) Muppets in the away section into raptures!

We shud have had a penalty in the 10th minute, when, az Riviere raced into the box @ The Leazes End, he waz upended by Chris Smalling, but the ref waved away any protests and yet anothaa bad 'call' waz made az we fumed in the stands! <(BT and Match of the Day later confirmed that INDEED a spot kick shud have been awarded to 'us'!)
There were several chances from both sides throughoot the match, but neethaa could make the breakthrough until Krul's 'gaff'!
(He'd had a blinder up until this point with 3 great saves to deny the visitors!)

The main taalkin' point of the 1st half however, waz when after a tangle of legs, Papiss Cisse clashed with Johnny Evans.
The Manc player unforgivably hockled in Cisse's face and wor number 9 repaid 'the complement' in kind! <(can yoo blame Cisse for that?---WOT would YEE DE if somebody spat in YOUR face???)

THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL DURIN' THE 1st HALF

10 minutes after the re-start Krul made a fantastic double save @ The Leazes End to deny the visitors! 

Spiderman Gutierrez then came on to replace Ryan Taylor midway through the 2nd half and he received a rapturous reception from The Toon fans after hiz fight against cancer!---it wa great to see him back!

Anyway!---the game waz lost once Man U had scored so late on and anothaa unfortunate defeat iz now on John 'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver's CV

Hiz NUFC record in charge now reads: Played 10---won 2---drawn 3---lost 5    
Home record: Played 5---won 1---drawn 2----lost 2 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor (Gutierrez 66), Obertan, Abeid, Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi (Gouffran 81), Cisse, Riviere (Perez 69)

Attendance: 49, 801 (nearly 2,000 lower than wor game against Villa on Saturday!) Double ticket prices, live telly and the fact that NE tickets went on general sale to prevent any Man U fans buyin' tickets for the home sections, were the main reasons it wasn't a 'sell-oot'!)  (3,000 (plus) Muppets in Leazes level 7 az usual!)  *

THE TOON v THE MANC MUPPETEERS/COCKNEY REDS *** TOMORROW NEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 3rd March 2015

'The Cockney Reds of Salford' come to Toon tomorrow evenin' in wot iz wor 2nd home game in 5 days! ('7:45 bells'---live on BT Sport)

We very much doubt if they will play az badly az 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' did on Saturday, but we can anly live in hope!

Louis Van Crash <(apparently he's had loads of road accidents!) brings hiz 4th placed side to SJP, lookin' for hiz forst ever win against us at wor place in hiz 3rd attempt!
(He waz manager of Barcelona in 1997 when we won 3-2 and then AZ Alkmaar in 2007 when we won 4-2!)

Wor home record against Man U however doesn't make good readin' with just ONE win in the last ELEVEN games and losin' EIGHT times!

WE sit cemented in 11th place, 5 points above Palace in 12th and 4 points behind Stoke in 10th and 'The Fat Controller's wish that we shud finish in mid-table mediocrity looks likely to come to fruition!

History lesson: We forst played 'Newton Heath' <(az Man U were then known) @ SJP 120 years ago, when we won 3-0 on 13th April 1895.
Bill Thompson, John McNee and Will Milne got wor goals in an old 2nd Division game played oot in front of 4,000 spectators!

Geordie Times history: A 2-2 draw in 1967 when The Leazes End sang "Bobby iz a Geordie!" to Man U centre forward Bobby Charlton! <(Can't imagine that happinin' tomorrow neet, IF he decides to torn up in the Directors Box,--- can yoo?) 

Jim Iley and Tommy Robson got wor goals that December day az a 48,639 crowd watched on!

Wor aall time record against them isn't good havin' lost twice az many games az we have won! 
(Games played: 160---Won 41, Drawn 37 and lost 82!)

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Thorsday! 

THE LIVERBIRDS U18s 1 THE TOON U18s 3 *** FA PREMYAA U18s LEEGUE @ KIRKBY ACADEMY

Posted '8:55am bells' Munday 2ndMarch 2015
(Match played  Saturday dinnaatime)

Match report by 'The Secret Pigeon'!

"The Secret Pigeon' landed @ Kirkby Academy with 35 minutes of the U18s game being played, havin' sneaked away early from work! 
It appears that the person who I asked what was the score can't have arrived much before me, as I was told the score was 0-0
A goal by an unknown player before my arrival however, meant that it was in fact 1-0 to The Toon!

Subsequently <(The Secret Pigeon naaz aall the big words!) someone else scored in the 40th minute to make it 2-0!

No team sheet and no glasses means 'The Secret Pigeon' won't be tellin' you the scorers, but if you want to know them subscribe to LFC TV as it's on there!

Half time 2-0 and the crowd of aboot 120 are tucking in to burger and chips, however 'The Secret Pigeon' is gannin hungry as I left my wallet in the car in the rush to get in! <(obviously there are ne thieves in Liverpool!)

Liverpool pull 1 back with a well worked goal in the 60th (ish) minute!---Flustered after an argument with a steward as I tried to get a picture! <(Hence ne match pix!)

3-1 to Toon, 2 minutes later!---can't type quick enough!

The Toon look relatively comfortable throughout the 2nd half, competin' well in the mid-field and defendin' well---bar the goal conceded! A similar scoreline in April would make me happy! <(When we play @ Anfield!)

Time to fly!" <(Wot!---in a CAR?)



Special thanx to 'The Secret Pigeon' for this in depth <(of despair!) match report!---An extra packet of Trill bird seed iz on it's way to him az we speak!



    

THE TOON 1 THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '9:29am bells' Sunday 1st March 2015

"WHO'S YOUR NEXT 'MESSIAH'?"---
"JASPER CARROTT!???"

'The Hazbeenz & Villians' came to St James' Park on the back of six defeats in a row and were hopin' that new heed coach Tim Sherwood would be able to dig them oot of the mire of 2nd bottom place in the Premyaa Leegue!

Of course there waz 'history' between the fans, when in 2009 Villa fans took great pleasure in witnessin' wor relegation to The Championship, when they unveiled banners in The Holte End of Villa Park, which read: "SOB ON THE TYNE!" and "WHO'S YOUR NEXT 'MESSIAH'?"---"ANT OR DEC!???"

There waz absolutleee ne need for this at the time az The Toon and Villa  fans (up til this point in history) had ne animosity between them!---this aall changed on that fateful day in 2009 and we have never forgotten that they 'took the p*ss' and laughed at wor demise and even had those banners made, to 'rub it in'"!


"WOT GANS AROOND!---COMES AROOND!" 

'GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!' *** CISSE'S GOAL!
(HE IZ PARTIALLY HIDDEN BY NUMBER 28 AMEOBI)

The game started off with many mistayks from both sides, but Villa had the better chances orly on and 'fluffed their lines' in front of goal on 3 occasions at least @ The Gallowgate End!

A rare sorte into The Leazes End in the 37th minute from 'us' saw an unmarked Papiss Cisse score from inside the box, from a pinpoint Janmaat cross from the right!---wor FORST shot on target az well! to send 49,000 of the 51,000 plus crowd, wild with delight! (Villa had 2,000 travellin' fans!)

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (2nd half)
(View from Milburn Stand balcony)

We played much better in the 2nd half and 2 chances of note were missed by us. The 1st waz when Obertan waz put through---he raced up the pitch and with anly Guzan in the Villa goal to beat he 'baallzd it up' and missed hiz chance.
Then 'at the death' Perez hit the post after Guzan punched clear, but 'it mattered not' az we played oot SEVEN minutes of stoppage time <(where the hell did they get that from?) before the ref finally blew, much to the relief of The Toon faithful!

We are now 'cemented' in 11th place in the table, while 'The Hazbeenz' remain 2nd bottom in the relegation 'mire' <(oh how we would celebrate if they went doon!)

And yi naa that old sayin'---divvint yiz!---
"WOT GANS AROOND COMES AROOND!"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Haidara (Ryan Taylor 61), Obertan (Gouffran 78), Sissoko, Abeid, Sammy Ameobi, Riviere (Perez 73), Cisse

Attendance: A MAGnificent/foolhardy? 51,573 (2,000 plus 'Hazbeenz & Villians'!) *

PS: Jasper Carrott iz a diehard Bormingham City fan!---the ideal choice for the next Villa manager!

FIXTURE CHANGE AZ EVERTON BEAT YOUNG BOYS! <(NOT literally!)

Posted '2:00pm bells' Friday 27th February 2015

'The Toffee Noses' 7-2 aggregate win against Young Boys of Switzerland in the Europa Leegue meens that wor away game against them haz been moved from Saturday 14th March to Sunday 15th March with a '4 bells' kick off time! (Az they will now be playin' in Europe the previous Thorsday neet!)

THE TOON v THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 27th February 2015

ACTION FROM LAST SEASON @ SJP---NUFC WON 1-0 (REMY)

Tomorrow @ '3 bells' we face a 'six pointer' when we take on basement boys Villa @ St James' Park and a win would see us move 13 points clear of them and forthaa away from the relegation zone!
A draw or defeat however will see us hoverin' above 'the abyss' and with ne home wins since December, this iz not beyond the realms of possibility!

Since 'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver took charge at the start of January wor home record reads: Won NONE, Drawn TWO, Lost ONE

Squad news: Spiderman Gutierrez retorns to the fray after a lang illness and iz sure to receive a rapturous welcome shud he come on and we wish him well!

Jack Colback starts a 2 match ban for receivin' hiz TENTH bookin' of the season against Man City last week, while De Jong, Dummett, Steve Taylor and Tiote are aall oot through injuries!

Amazingleee!---(considerin' wor plight!) there will be a 52,000 crowd in attendance az the anly tickets left on sale are the 300 returned by Villa, who will have a 2,700 followin' in 'level 7' of The Leazes End!

History lesson: We forst played Villa @ St James' Park 117 years ago on 1st October 1898 when we drew 1-1 in an old 1st Division game. Ootside right, Joe Rogers got wor goal in front of a 25,000 crowd that day!

Geordie Times history: 1975! when we won 3-0 with Supermac scorin' twice and Tommy Craig gettin' the othaa in front of  35,604 (Can't remember which 'end' I waz in that day?)

A 3-0 win tomorrow would de very nicely---but divvint haad yer breath!

Aall time record: We have played 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' a total of 158 times in wor history and have won 69, drawn 34, lost 55 times!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report & pix will appear here sometime on Sunday---az per usual ---"watch this space!"

ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. !

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 25th February 2015

Aa listened to Man City's Champions Leegue game against Barcelona on mee truck radio az aa travelled doon to the Bormingham area and in the forst half 'Barca' were a class above their Inglish rivals and could easily have been 5 up by half time! (it ended up 2-0 in their favour!)

Flashback to Saturday evenin' when City were the dominant force against 'us' and again could and shud have been 5 up at half time (3-0 actually!)

It's hard to believe that less than 18 years ago WE led Barcelona 3-0 through a Tino Asprilla hat-trick in the Champions Leegue in 1997 where WE tore the Spaniards apart!

Can yoo imagine wot 'Barca' would de to us now????---That game seems like a MILLION YEARS AGO (B.C!) (Before Carver!)

THE JOHN ALDER COLLECTION AUCTION

Posted '1:11pm bells' Tuesday 24th February 2015

THE 3 TOP PROGRAMME'S IN THE DISPLAY CABINET
FETCHED AN AMAZIN' £5,560 IN TOTAL!

We are pleased to tell yoo that the auction of 'The Undertaker's' memorabilia raised ower £26,000!

Aaltogether there were an amazin' 240 lots which took several hours to auction!


JUST SOME OF HIZ VAST COLLECTION!

£3,200 waz raised for the 1924 FA Cup final programme---£560 for the 1932 FA Cup final programme and £1,800 for the rare Pecsi Dozsa programme from the 1970 Fairs Cup run!

John's last match programme and a 1970's scarf waz bought for £240 and £200 respectively by hiz family who wanted them az a lastin' reminder of him!

SOME MORE RARE PROGRAMMES
AND HIZ 1970's SCARF! (middle shelf)

Aall proceeds went to The Bobby Robson Foundation.

John waz without doubt The Toon's number ONE fan AND collector and he (and Liam, who waz with him on that ill fated flight to New Zealand) are sadly missed by aall who knew them!

RIP JOHN and LIAM

THE BLUE MOONIES 5 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Updated '11:30am bells' Munday 23rd February 2015

THE TOON ON A RARE ATTACK IN THE 2nd HALF

"HOW MANY GOALS THIS TIME!?????"

Forst of aall, apologies for not updatin' this 'horror show report' yesterday, but aa waz at 'The John Alder Collection Auction' @ St James' Park yesterday mornin', where a Magnificent £26,000 waz raised by the sale of aall hiz vast memorabilia! <(more on that tomorrow!)

'Apologies' were aalso forthcomin' from 'John "whey aye the pie" Carver' for wor abject display @ The City of Manc Stadium, when we gave away wot iz surely the quickest ever penalty, conceded by Anita with just 27 seconds on the clock when he torned the wrang way and brought Dzeko doon in the box! (Anita Harris would have done better!) ^^^^^

Convorted by  Aguaro we were soon 2 behind 10 mins later when Nasri had aall the time in the world to place hiz shot past Tim Krul in The Toon goal to end the contest then and there!--after ELEVEN MINUTES!

It waz at this point I wished I waz in a boozer somewhere gettin' totally 'sloshed' to obliterate the shambles unfoldin' in front of me, from my memory!

The Toon fans behind Krul's goal were resigned to wor fate and it waz just a question of when 'The Blue Moonies' would get their thord az we were absolutleee aaful once again on wor travels!

The 3rd came of course!---in the 21st minute, when Dzeko simply waalked through wor 'defence'? to place hiz shot beyond wor beleaguered keeper!

'Pie-man' Carver <(he likes the odd 'snake and pigmy' variety!) and the rest of hiz coachin' staff just sat rooted in the away dugoot, not naain just wot to de az they twiddled their thumbs and scratched their heeds! <(white flags at the ready!)


1st HALF ACTION (view from row 'W' seat 377 Sooth Stand level 1)


Somehow we got to the break withoot concedin' any more---but again we wondered just how many the home side would get in the 2nd period, such waz the huge gulf in class between the 2 sides! < (aboot az wide az the mouth of the Tyne!)

It didn't take lang!---6 minutes!---when Silva hammered the baall past Krul and just 2 minutes later he added a 2nd, similar to hiz forst! 5-0! with still 38 minutes on the clock and anothaa hammerin' waz on the cards!
However==for reasons unknown, City took their foot off the gas and thanx mainly to Tim Krul who made some great saves, nothin' more waz added to wor 'away goals column'!
A 5-0 defeat somehow felt like a relief!---theeze are indeed dire times for anyone who follows the 'black & whites'!
Just look at wor away record this season against the current top 7 at the moment: Chelski 0-2 --- Man City 0-5 --- The Arse 1-4 --- Man U 1-3 --- Sooothampton 0-4 ---  The Liverbirds "still to play!" (last season  1-2) ---Sporz 0-4

We just can't hack it against the 'big boys' <("er!" Sooothampton az well???) That's ELEVEN leegue defeats in a row against 'The Blue Moonies'---a shockin' record that iz the worst in wor history!

Carver's CV now reads: Played 8, won ONE game in TWO months, drawn 3, lost 4!
Toon fan 'Tex Taylor' who waz fortunate not to be there and watched it on the telly, said yesterday: "We may az well be in The Championship!---at least we won't get humiliated there!" <(divvint bet on it!)

Toon team: Krul. Janmaat (Ryan Taylor 70), Coloccini, Williamson, Haidara, Sissoko, Anita (Abeid 46), Colback, Perez, Cisse, Gouffran (Obertan 86) <(why???)

Attendance: 45, 602 (just 2,000 Toon fans in the lower tier of the away end) <(we sold both tiers for the Leegue Cup tie!) *


The pre and post match 'gargels' took place here!

Manchester

Manchester

York (on the way back!)