HEEDBANGERS STAY UP!

Posted '12:50pm bells' Monday 22nd April 2013

It's great to hear that troubled Tyneside club Gatesheed have avoided relegation from 'The Conference' and will play there again next season.

But just where they will be playin' iz anybodys guess az they have used ne fewer than FIVE! different 'home' groonds this season due to the state of the pitch @ Gatesheed Stadium!

The home venues that they have played at include: Gatesheed Stadium, Croft Park*Blyth, Brunton Park*Carlisle, York Street*Boston!, The Victoria Groond*Hartlepool and finally on Saturday, The Riverside Stadium*Smogland, where they secured their place in the top non leegue division by beatin' Ebbsfleet 2-0 in front of 500+ diehards!<(nearly az many az The Smoggies normally get!)

We wish them well for next season and hope that they can sort their new groond oot az well!

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 1 THE TOON 1 ***"WELCOME TO 'THE TORTURE CHAMBER'!"

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 21st April 2013

THE TOON (in maroon!) ATTACK
'THE SMETHWICK END'
(1st half---view from row 'V')

Life in the 'NUFC Torture Chamber' continued in the 2nd half @ The Hawthorns yesterday az we nearly 'hoyed it away' once again!

The pre match 'gargels' were conducted in The Royal Oak, where the bar waz packed with mostly Toon fans, with the odd 'Baggie' here and there!

One Toon 'fan'? who waz absoluteleee 'mortal', started singin'---"I'm on the front page of 'The Chronicle--find me if you can!"---a reference to those 'p*ss brains' pictured in 'The Ronny Gill' on Thorsday, who caaz'd trouble in the Toon last Sunday!>>>>>  

Anyway!---several 'Worthy bitters' were consumed before heedin' for the groond which waz a 10 minute waalk away in the brilliant sunshine!

The game started off well for us az we attacked The Smethwick End in wor *'ill-fated 'aall maroon' strip, where the 3,000 or so Toon fans were housed. (*Have we ever won in that strip?)

We didn't have to wait lang for the forst goal which came in the 8th minute, when, from a Cisse cross, Yohan Gouffran rose above the Albion defence, to power a heeder past their goalie which send 'the travellin' faithful' into raptures!

We had several chances after this to increase wor lead az we bombarded the goal and Demba Cisse in particular missed a glorious chance to double wor lead.
Steve Taylor, Sissoko, Cabaye and Debuchy aalso missed easy chances and we went into the half time break cursin' the fact that we wornt at least three goals up!

The 2nd half waz a 'different kettle of fish' with 'The Baggie Troosers' gannin aall oot for the equaliser!
We held oot til the mid point of the half when Jones beat Rob Elliot with a toe poked effort to level things.


THE TOON KICK OFF, TO START THE 2nd HALF----
LOOKIN' TOWARDS  'THE BIRMINGHAM ROAD END'


A 'Torture Chamber' like atmosphere then engulfed the Toon fans az the home side went for 'the kill'!
We were shambolic by this stage with some shockin' back passes, mistimed tackles and the inability to haad onto the baall for more than three seconds!

It looked for quite a while that we would 'blow it' az we bit wor finger nails to the bone and pulled wot little hair we had left, oot of their sockets!

But somehow we survived and a precious point waz in 'the baggie'<(excuse the pun!) in wor bit to stay above 'the abyss'!

Three bad results for us elsewhere however, meant that we drop doon THREE places in the table to 16th----but at least 'The Blue Wigs', 'The Biscuitmen' and 'appy' arry's Rag and Bone Men' got beat!<(off 'The Pulis P*ss Potts' who gan above us on goal difference!) 

Results which meen that the latter two bottom clubs mentioned, cannit catch us, az they can now anly get a maximum of 36 points!<(The Toon now have 37!)


Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Haidara (Ben Arfa 77), Perch, Sissoko, Cabaye (Gosling 94!), Gutierrez, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi, Cisse

Attendance: 25,671 (3,000 + Toon fans in 'The Smethwick End' 'Torture Chamber'!)

  

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '6:00am bells' Saturday 20th April 2013

With just five games to gan, it looks az though the fight to avoid 'the abyss' iz gannih gan to the last day of the season, unless!---we can pull off an unexpected victory in wor game against 'The Baggie Troosers' @ The Hawthorns @ '3 bells' toooday, and we are due to 'set off' in an hour and a half from now!

Confidence<(not suprizingleee!) iz at a low amongst the fans, but the players yet again have been tellin' the local 'rag' to, "blame us" (for last week) and that they, "will be up for it!" THIS TIME!<(for aboot the 100th time this season!)
(Lets hope so after last weeks performance!)


THE BACK PAGE OF YESTERDAYS 'RONNY GILL'!

The Toon 'end' iz a complete sell-oot, but we divvint naa just how many tickets we have taken?<(the minimum allocation yet again, ne doubt?)

Team news iz that goalie Tim Krul will be oot for the rest of the season with a dislocated shoulder and that Rob Elliot will once again deputise.
Fab Collocini who waz expected to retorn will now not feature and iz expected to retorn to the fray against 'The Liverbirds' @ home, a week tomorrow!---while Davide Santon iz 'oot' az well with hamstring trouble!

Full 'Geordie Times' match report and picx to follow eethaa later toneet or orly/late!? on Sunday mornin'!

THE TOON U21s 4 THE CRYSTAL BAALL GEEZERS U21s 0

Posted '11:20 pm bells' Friday 19th April 2013

"THE ANGEL GABRIEL!"

'THE ANGEL GABRIEL' (centre in white) SCORES HIZ
'HAT-TRICK' @ THE GALLOWGATE END!

A fantastic 'hat-trick' performance by Gabriel Obertan waz the difference between the two teams at a 'packed' St James' Park this evenin'!

Amalfitano foond Obertan in the 10th minute near the box and he made 'ne mistake' with a well placed shot @ 'The Leazes End'!

Rolandro Aarons doubled wor lead in the 25th minute with a curlin' effort which easily beat the Palace keeper 'aall ends up'!

It waz 3-0 within 2 minutes of the 2nd half when 'The Angel Gabriel' got hiz second, beatin' their keeper @ 'The Gallowgate End' with a low shot!

Hiz hat-trick came not lang before the end when a richochaded effort from him, fell nicely back to hiz feet and he proded the baall home, to seal a fine victory for the black 'n' whites!

Attendance 52,000!---"Er!"---empty seats that iz!---478 full ones! (ne Palace fans az far az we could see!)

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

THE TOON U21s v THE CRYSTAL BAALL GEEZERS U21s @ SJP!***TOOONEET!

Updated '11:40am bells' Friday 19th April 2013

A very rare event will take place @ St. James' Park toooneet!----Wor resorve U21 side will be playin' a home game @ 'home'!

Aye!---that's reet!--- we are actually gannin to play @ wor city centre HQ, instead of the aaful Blue Flames groond in Benton!---or behind closed door at Darsley Park!--which are both 'oot in the sticks' for many fans!

This iz anly the 2nd time this season that we will have let the resorves play @ St James'--the othaa bein' in  wor derby game against the SMBs, seven months ago, in front of a 1,776 'crowd'!<(wor highest home crowd of the season by a lang way!)

The game against 'The Crystal Baall Geezers' of sooth Landan in the 'Under 21 Resorve Leegue' kicks off @ '7 bells' and 'The East Stand' tornstiles will be open with free admission for season ticket holders and club members! (It's £3 for big kids & £1 for little kids and zimmerframeites!, who don't have season tickets etc!)

So make the most of this rare occurrence and 'get yerselz alang' and bring your lass and the 'sprogs' az well!


Resorve home games so far this season and where they were played:

SIX @ Blue Flames (aka Whitley Park)
THREE @ Darsley Park, behind closed doors!
ONE! @ St. James' Park!

Match report and 'excluuusive picx to follow!

LIONS OR LAMBS?

Posted '6:55pm bells' Tuesday 16th April 2013


ACTION FROM WOR HOME GAME AGAINST WBA
ORLIER THIS SEASON---WE WON 2-1!

It will take a hell of a lang time for 'the dust to settle' after Sunday's capitulation, but like we said yesterday, we 'must move on from there' and concentrate on wor next vital game against 'The Baggie Troosers' of West Brom on Saturday!

With anly one away win aall season in the leegue we can anly hope that we can double that tally @ The Hawthorns, but can we?<(we did beat them at home---like!)
EIGHT away points oot of a possible FORTY EIGHT this season iz a pathetic total and we have aalso lost the last FOWER away from home az well!<(things aint lookin' good!)

Apologies and promises from wor manager and the players, of wot we will de this Saturday in the local 'rag', to 'make it up' to the fans, 'doesn't wash' with us anymore!<(we've hord it aall before!)

Will we come oot of the blocks fightin' like 'lions' az we did against Benfica last Thorsday, OR!, will we 'raise the white flag of surrender' before we start!---and play like 'lambs' az we did last Sunday?


This iz NUFC we are taalkin' aboot and anything iz possible!
The Toon 'end' iz a complete sell-oot and we will of course, support them 'evermore'---come wot may in MAY!?

100,000 FANS IN TOON!---AND 100 YEARS OF DERBY VIOLENCE!

Posted '2:20pm bells' Monday 15th April 2013

In the aftermath of 'Derby Disaster Day' the heedlines on the national news and papers were NOT of the action on the pitch, but the reaction off it after the match!

Two papers, The Daily Mail and 'The Ronny-Gill' have printed reports on the violence aall ower the city centre, az fans spilled onto the streets from the groond and the pubs that were showin' the game.

'The Mail' gans on to say that the trouble @ Wembley the day before by Millwaall fans waz because of the '5:15 bells' kick off az fans had plenty of time to 'fuel up' with drink before the game!
Therefore, they argue, the game should have started much orlier to stop this!

Wor game kicked off @ 'high noon bells' of course and there waz loads of trouble so this theory 'doesn't wash'!

The truth iz that most of the trouble waz caused by 'fans' who were 'fuelled up' in the 200 or so pubs and clubs in the city and beyond which were showin' the game live and NOT those who were actually AT the game.
That's 50,000 Toon fans at the match and 50,000 others watchin' it on 'Sky'!

The SMBs wernt blameless eethaa az they hoyed smoke bombs and flares from 'level 7' into the Toon section below them in The Leazes End.
One disabled Toon fan in a wheelchair waz burned by one of the flares which hit him az he watched the match!

They'll NEVER stop fans drinkin' before the match, no matter wot time they kick off!
I got a text message on Saturday for example, tellin' me that a certain pub in the Gatesheed area waz openin' @ '7:30 bells' on the mornin' of the game and that 'jack the rippers' would be providin' the 'entertainment'!<(the text message waz off a lass!---who shall remain nameless!)

Other pubs opened LEGALLY @ '9:00 bells' in the city centre and most of the others opened @ '10'

We at 'The Geordie Times' wish the trouble had never occured, but az waz proved yesterday, switchin' the kick off time to 'high noon bells' DOESN'T work and that they may as well start it at '3 bells' az most fans would wish!<(me thinx they'll NEVER completly stop the violence az it's been gannin on for ower 100 years!)
(see below!)


"WHERE WAZ YOUR GREAT GREAT GRANDFAATHAA ON GOOD FRIDAY 1901?"
 
*There waz a much worse derby riot on Good Friday 1901 when drunken fans invaded the St James' Park pitch, tornin' it into a ploughed field and rippin' the goal posts doon!---which forced the match to be abandoned!

One Toon fan waz SO drunk that he fell oot of the grandstand which nearly collapsed!
A sund'lind fan who waz beaten up by half crazed rival fans sued Newcastle for hiz money back, but lost hiz case and had to pay £70 costs!<(a considerable sum in those days!

THAT'S REET!---NINETEEN 'O' ONE! 
ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE YEARS AGO!

*Extracts taken from: 'The Football Grounds of  England and Wales'  

60,000 THANKOOOZ!

Posted '10:25am bells' Monday 15th April 2013

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

It's time to 'move on' from wor 'Disasterous Derby Display' yesterday and concentrate on next Saturdays game @ The Hawthorns when we play 'The Baggie Troosers of West Brom!

Forst of aall though, we must thank wor loyal reeeders from aroond the world (and beyond!) for takin' wor total pageviews past the SIXTY THOOSAND mark at the weekend!

The Top Ten Countries are az follows:

1 UK (England, Scotland, Northern Ireland & Wales) 31,110
2 USA 9,753
3 Ukraine 2,427
4 China 1,320
5 Jawmany 1,251
6 The Guinness Republic 941
7 Rushaa 843
8 Spain 703
9 Greece 683
10 France 443

Total pageviews from the 134 countries and territories who have logged onto this site @ '10:25am bells' 60,313<(includin' Mars!)



 
Gettin' back to wor next game, we can anly hope that the two FA Cup finalists, 'The Blue Moonies' v 'The Blue Wigs' Leegue game this comin' Wednesday, ends in a win for the home side, coz if it doesn't we could be in the sh*t by Saturday!

More to follow on yet anothaa 'must win game' for 'us', az the week progresses!

THE TOON 0 THE SMBs 3

Posted '9:40pm bells' Sunday 14th April 2013

"A BLACK DAY IN WOR HISTORY!"

"SMBs TAKIN' THE P*SS!"
(A WELL KNOWN BOOZER'S 'TOOL-SHED'  
NEAR SJP BEFORE THE MATCH!)

It haz been very hard to write this report, but write it we will!

A totally inept performance from 'the black n whites' @ St James' this afternoon haz put us back in 'the abyss', when a win would have banished aall fears of it!

We simply didn't play, once again, and it pains me to say it, but the SMBs were the better team in both halves!

Oot of the thoosand plus games a'v watched 'The Toon',  this gans into the top ten of disasterous defeats that a'v ever witnessed!

It waz obvious from the word 'go' that it would be a tough afternoon az the SMBs fought for every baall, az we lost wor way, with many of wor passes gannin astray!

They took the lead in the 27th minute when the baall waz given away by Gutierrez and Sessegnon beat Tim Krul in the Toon goal @ The Gallowgate End.

It stayed that way til the break and at half time 'The Toon' threw on wor 'ace card' in the shape of Shola Ameobi, who haz scored seven goals against the SMBs in recent derbys between the two clubs, but it waz to 'ne avail'.

Tim Krul waz led off with a dislocated shoulder not lang after the restart, to be replaced by Rob Elliot and this proved to be the 'beginnin of the end' for us!

Soon after this, Demba Cisse put the baall into the roof of the net @ The Gallowgate End after fine work from Marveaux, but yet again for the 3rd time in fower days, hiz effort waz disallowed for offside, when clearly, he waz 'on'!

The visitors doubled their lead in the 74th minute through Johnson and it waz effectively 'game ower' at this point!
It waz soon 3-0 to add to wor misery when Vaughan put the game beyond us with less than 10 minutes to gan!

A 'black day' in wor lang history and one we won't forget in a lang time!<(get the 'black armbands' oot!)

Toon team: Krul (Elliot 57), Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Gutierrez, Marveaux, Tiote, Cabaye (Ben Arfa 62), Gouffran (Shola Ameobi 46), Sissoko, Cisse

Attendance: 52,355 (2,700 SMBs)  

THE TOON v THE FASCIST DWARF'S SMBs ***'HIGH NOON BELLS' TOOODAY!

Posted '8:15am bells' Sunday 14th April 2013

In exactleee 3 and 3qwaataa hours time from now, wor biggest Leegue game of the season kicks off, when we play 'The Fascist Dwarf's X1' @ St James' Park in the now usual 'high noon bells shootout'!

Just why the local 'dibble' make us kick off at this ridiculous time iz open to debate----aa meeen!, some bars in 'The Toon' are openin' legally @ 'NINE BELLS' this mornin', so the idea of stoppin' people drinkin' by havin' an orly start IZ a 'non starter' anyway!  

'The Geordie Times' can excluuusivleee reveal that Steve Taylor will defiantleee! be in the startin' line up, az told to us by wor 'secret club sauce'!
Mathiau Debuchy, Yohan Gouffran and Cheik Tiote are expected to play az well and we understand that Hatem Ben Arfa will be on the subs bench!

A win would take us EIGHT points clear of thoze who survive on benefits 12 miles south of the Tyne and Premyaa Leegue safty would surely be secured if this happens!

The 'dibble' have warned that facsist salutes by anyone will result in instant arrest, which will surely put that idea in to the heeds of anyone who hadn't thought of that!<(Aa wonder if this includes a certain Italian fascist dwarf, who will be rantin' and ravin' in the 'Away' dugoot!???)

A full match report will follow much later az per usual!