THE TOON U21s 1 THE ARSE U21s 3 ***YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!

Posted '12:32pm bells' Saturday 26th April 2014

Cunningly disguised az a tree!, 'Liam from the Lamp' took this
'Geordie Times' excluuusive foto @ Darsley Park in yesterday's
behind closed doors game between
The Toon's resorves and The Arse's resorves!

Yesterday afternoon @ Darsley Park, Benton wor U21 resorve side were soundly beaten by The Arse in a behind closed doors encoontaa!
We sent wor secret undercover reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' to this game and he gained admittance by diggin' a hole under the fence and hidin' behind a tree in the groond to avoid detection!

Typically The Toon took the lead through Satka when he heeded home after just 2 minutes! (we say 'typically' az they can never seem to hold onto a lead!)

Just before the break the visitors ('typically'!) equalised through Akpom and the sides went in level.

An Akpom penalty in the 61st minutes gave The Arse the lead for the forst time and they sealed victory at the death when Niles fired home to make it 1-3 to the visitors!

Attendance: 30 friends and family of the players etc , (plus one tree!)

SMOKIN' JOE *** HONOURED AT LAST!

Posted '1:52pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014


FAIRS CUP WINNIN' CAPTAIN BOBBY MONCUR MAKES A SPEECH
AT THE UNVEILIN' OF THE JOE HARVEY PLAQUE


45 years after hiz greatest managerial achievement, and 25 years since he sadly passed away, 'Smokin Joe Harvey' haz had a magnificent bronze plaque unveiled in hiz honour near 'The Jackie Milburn Statue' @ 'The Gallowgate End' of St James' Park.

Joe won 2 FA Cup winners medal in the 1950's az a player and the Inter Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 az a manager!---wor last piece of major silverware! <(aa waz still at skooool!---it waz that lang ago!)

Whey!---'Smokin' Joe' (who waz a chain smoker!) iz SO famous that there's even a band named after him in the USA!

"BLANKETY BLANK X NINE!"

Posted '12:27pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014

"OH NO! *** NOT YEE AGAIN!"

For the 9th (NINETH!) time this season we have a blank weekend az we divvint play 'The Arse' away til Monday neet, meenin' yet more time off graft and of course expense! (hotels etc!)

We think that this MUST be a record, az iz wor 5 (FIVE!) Premyaa Leegue defeats in a row under the 'stewardship'? of 'I Beg Your Pardew'!
Somehow we can't see how this 'run' will not be extended to 6 (SIX!) and a torrid time iz expected @ 'The Em' on Monday neet!

Meeenwhile!--- it isn't aall doon and gloom on Tyneside az 'Gatesheed Heedbangers' play their last game of the season in The Conference against Cambridge United on Saturday teatime and even a draw will secure them a place in the 'play-off semis', with the ultimate dream a victory at Wembley in the final and a retorn to The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence! <(we wish them well!)

Before that game there's anothaa one not far from 'the banks 'o' the Tyne' @ Northern Leegue 'Dunston Bad Blue Boys', who are hostin' Shildon in their final home game of the season @ Federation Park---and that's where we'll be heedin' forst, for this '3 bells kick off'
IF? we have time, then it will be 'a mad dash' to the othaa side of Gatesheed, just alang the Tyne, to try and make the '5:30 bells' kick off @ The International Stadium! <(we shall see!?)

"MAJOR SILVERWARE AT LAST!" ******* THE TOON RESORVES 4 THE SPARTANS OF BLYTH 0 ****** 2014 NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted '1:30pm bells' Wednesday 23rd April 2014


THE TOON ARE PRESENTED WITH THE CUP!
(SOMEWHERE!?) 


The Toon Resorves proved just too strong for Northern Premier Leegue Blyth @ St James' Park last neet and eeezily won 4-0 in front of a 1,200 plus crowd , most of them in the East Stand and quite a few of the Spartan variety! (This waz Spartan's TENTH final defeat in a row!) <(must be a record!?)

'Liam from the Lamp' sent us this report and pix by the wonders of modern technology and text us the goal sequences on hiz mobile 'tellin bone'!

Kick off '7 bells':

'7:39 bells': "Bigi's deflected shot from a Richardson corner waz saved and Satka tapped in rebound!" (36 min, 1-0 to Toon)


ACTION AT THE LEAZES END


'8:11 bells': "Olley through baall to Williams who played it to Richardson who placed it in left corner!" (54 mins, 2-0)

'8:27 bells': (The Mighty) "Quinn places shot into bottom left hand corner after beatin' offside trap!" (70 mins, 3-0)


ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END


'8:36 bells': "Excellent Aarons baall through to Bigi (ramana) who shot past keeper!" ("divvint naa eez name unfortunately!") (81 mins, 4-0) (final score)

"Well!---there's the Toon's 1st and anly trophy this season. A decent enough team performance against a very poor Blyth side.
In truth we didn't have to get into 2nd gear and it showed with Richardson in particular makin' a few misteaks, but Blyth not good enough to tek advantage.
The doonside to the match waz an injury to Jamie Sterry which looked badwith him bein' streachered off and a brace on hiz leg!
Hopefully not tooo serious because he looks a very promisin' full back! Attendance 1,234!"

'LIAM from the LAMP'


LOOKIN' TOWARDS THE MILBURN STAND
Once again--sorry aboot the grainy fotos!,
which are NOT up to the high standards of 'The Geordie Times'!
Can't wait til Liam get hiz new 'tellin bone' <("Hint!--Hint!")
 



AND FINALLY! ACCORDIN' TO THIS FOTO BY 'LIAM FROM THE LAMP'
THE MILBURN STAND IZ GANNIN DOON HILL QUICKLY!
(TOOO MUCH 'LIQUID LUBRICATION' BEFOREHAND
IN THE NEWCASTLE ARMS!----ME FINX!)

a

 

THE TOON RESORVES v THE SPARTANS of BLYTH *** TONEET *** NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP FINAL

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Toneet wor resorves take on Blyth @ St James' Park in the final of The Northumberland Senior Cup. ('7 bells' kick off)
Az Blyth have have lost the last NINE finals they have played in the result shud be a foregone conclusion!---BuT! this IZ NUFC and anythin' could happen! (Blyth lost 0-7 at home to Whitby yesterday!)

A'v got to work a neetshift doon to the Midlands again toneet (run 174 since last Joon!) so 'Liam from the Lamp' will be bringin' yoo a full match report and pix from toneets game and this will appear in 'The Geordie Times' sometime tomorrow.

Admission iz six quid for big kids and three quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and az usual anly 'The East Stand' will be open for payin' spectators! (no 'freebeez' for season ticket holders!)

NE KNEE JERK (NE JURK) REACTION *** THAT'S A STAT!

Posted '10:25am bells' Tuesday 22nd April 2014

Followin' on from wor disastrous run of form, wor beleaguered manager now haz the followin' records:
The 1st NUFC manager to lose FIVE consecutive Premyaa Leegue games and score anly THREE goals at home since Boxin' Day!

The followin' teams have scored MORE goals at St James' Park than we have since Boxin' Day in the Premyaa Leegue: (that's!---fower (4) months!)
Sporz 4 goals and (the now sacked) 'Moyzeez Manc Muppets' 4 goals!

The followin' teams have scored the SAME number of goal at St James' Park in that time:
The SMBs and The Toffee Noses of Everton both with 3 goals each!
 We currently have scored just 20 goals @ St James' this season in 'The Premyaa'---wor lowest total in the past iz 22 goals in the 1997/98 and 2006/07 seasons!---anothaa unwanted 'Premyaa' record on the horizon for 'I Beg Your Pardew'!

With two away games left against 'The Arse' and 'The Liverbirds' and one home game against relegation threatened 'Cardiff Red Herrings' (who beat us at home in the FA Cup in January!) we face the very reeel prospect of not pickin' up one more solitary point from now til the end of the season!
'Eight in a row'? it doesn't bear thinkin' aboot!

The club's response az usual iz that: "There will be NO knee jerk reaction as to the managers future!" (or shud that read 'ne jurk' reaction?)
('Ower the Pennines', Man U beg to differ!)

THE TOON 1 THE SWAN LAKERS 2 *** PREMYAA LEAGUE 2013-2014

Posted '11:40am bells' Eeester Sunday 20th April 2014

"FREE-FALL!"

  SOMEWHERE ABOVE WOR BENTON TRAININ' BASE LAST WEEK!
'THE TOON' TRY OOT A NEW SECRET FORMATION!
(COPYRIGHT TO 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!)
(Special thanx to Porcy the Pigeon for the foto which waz taken
on hiz zoom lenz camraa!) <("honest!")

For the 5th game in a row we lost badly, which iz a new unwanted record for NUFC in the Premyaa Leegue era, az we continue to 'free-fall' doon the table with ZERO points oot of the last 15!
Just a month ago it looked impossible to finish lower than 9th in the table but with wor catastrophic losses, combined with both Stoke and Palace winnin', we face the very real possibility of finishin' the season in the bottom half!

Action @ The Leazes End in the 1st half
(View from The Milburn Stand balcony)

Relegation threatened Swanzee came oot with aall guns blazin' az they attacked The Gallowgate End in the forst half and were unlucky on a couple of occasions, not to take the lead!
This actually happened in the 23rd minute when WOR number 23 scored @ The Leazes End to end wor fower match goal drought and HIZ! (wait for it!)> forst goal in 1,399 minutes!

And did Shola celebrate in style, az did the fans, BUT! az the half drew to a close we conceded a corner which resulted in a heeded goal for Bony who had left hiz marker for dead! (Williamson!)

Lookin towards The East Stand and city centre

The 2nd half waz mostly dross az we went through the motions and then to cap it aall and deep into injury time Tiote needlessly gave away a penalty when he fouled Emnes, which waz convorted by Bony to send the 800 Swanzee fans wild!---It waz tooo late for a comeback of course, az we lost wor fifth game in a row and seven oot of wor last nine home games!



Action from The Gallowgate End (2nd half)


'The Arse' away are next up!!!--an eazy three points accordin' to Pardew ne doubt!?---roll on the end of the season!---anly THREE more games to gan!

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Anita, Gosling (Armstrong 80), Tiote, Gouffran, De Jong (Remy 40), Cisse (Debuchy 21), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: an unbeleeevable 51,057 considerin' wor previous home form! (800 happy Swan Lakers!)


View up Barrack Road from The Milburn Stand concourse


PS: After the match wor under fire manager said that if he had been allowed to be on the touchline we WOULDN'T have conceded that penalty!!!---Just wot waz he gannin' to de to stop Tiote foulin' the Swanzee player in the box???---run onto the pitch and heedbutt him!---perhaps!????? <(hiz excuses for defeats get more ridiculous and bizarre az the season draws to an end!)

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS *** EASTER SATURDAY @ 3 BELLS!

Updated 11:30am bells' Eeester Saurday 19th April 2014

WOR VISIT TO SWANZEE ORLIER THIS SEASON (TOON IN DARK BLUE)
WE LOST 3-0 !

Wor 2nd last home game of this troubled season takes place this afternoon @ SJP against sooth Wales opposition.
We gan into this match hopin' to arrest a torturous slide, which haz seen us lose the last fower games in a row!

And here's a 'stat' to "ROCK YOO TO THE CORE!"
The SMBs have actually scored more goals in the Premyaa Leegue @ St James' Park (3) than The Toon have this year (2) !!!  and considerin' that we are into the 2nd half of April, this iz a shockin' stat that orgently needs to be rectified against strugglin' Swanzee!

Still ne news az to wethaa Remy and Debuchy will retorn---and by god we need them!---to stop wor slide doon the table! (Stoke are just THREE points behind us in 10th place after last weeks disastrous performance against them and Palace are now just SIX points behind us in 11th place, havin' won at Everton on Wednesday neet!)

More team news when we find sommik oot!---but divvint haad yer breath!
A full and compreeehensive match report will of course follow in tomorrow's 'Geordie Times'!

THE HEEDBANGERS 2 SOOTHPORT 2 **** CONFERENCE 2013-2014

Posted '10:10am bells' Easter Saturday 19th April 2014

GATESHEED ARE IN WHITE SHIRTS
(VIEW FROM THE BACK OF THE MAIN STAND)

In front of their biggest crowd of the season, Gatesheed froze in their attempt to get into the end of season play-offs, with the prize a trip to Wembley and a place in the Futbaall Leegue in this Good Friday encooontaa @ Gatesheed International Stadium! 

'We' ,bein' me and 'Grumpy Stumpy' <(on the scumpy!) started off in 'The Bridge Hotel' next to the 'new' castle and High Level Bridge, which iz the nearest point to Gatesheed withoot actually bein' there!

THE 'NEW' CASTLE, THE TYNE BRIDGE AND THE BRIDGE HOTEL

It waz then onward 'across the waataa' to 'The Nags Head' on Gatesheed High Street which iz the unofficial HQ of 'The Heedbangers fan club'!

The bar waz packed with 'Heedbangers' who were (appropriately!) singin' their 'heeds off'!  After a few 'gargels' and a bit of 'chin-wag' it waz time to heed for the stadium and several mini-bus style taxis were waitin' for us ootside the bar to whisk us away! (it's a good 20 minute waalk to the groond from there!)

On arrival the queues to get in were massive az 'the glory-hunters' <(like us!) waited patiently to get through the tornstiles!
A fiver discount waz offered to Toon fans who showed their NUFC season tickets <(but NOWT for safc fans!)

The game kicked off and straight away the home side were on the back-foot az Soothport took the lead in the FORST minute when Luke George fired in a left footer!

A norvy 'Heed' tried to get back into the game and it wasn't until the 26th minute that they made the breakthrough when Jamie Chandler hit a sweet right foot shot into the Sootport net, sendin' the (wot looked like) 3,000 'Heedbangers crazy' in the main stand!

That waz the score at the break and again a norvy 'Heed' couldn't break doon the visitors defence in this vital game for both clubs (The Heed for the play-offs and Soothport to avoid relegation!)

The main taalkin point of the game came in the 51st minute when Sootport's 'Shola Ameobi' lookalike Emannual Monthe waz sent off for a 2nd bookable offence!---Straight away the visitors ran upfield and scored their 2nd goal with the Heed defence at sixes and sevens!

It wasn't until 'the death' that 'The Heed' got a crucial goal and point when James Marwood supplied a pass to Jamie Chandler in the 88th minute and he hit anothaa sweet right footer to again send the 'Heedbangers' wild with delight!
The point keeps The Heed in the last play-off position, just above Braintree in sixth!

After the match it waz back to 'The Nags' and then onward to the Quayside for some more liquid lubrication before heedin yem!

Attendance:2,121 includin' a 9 month old baaby screamin' hiz lungs oot for most of the match in front of us! (see above foto!) (150 Soothport fans in the far stand) < (see top  photo)
(Er! yi'll have ti torn yi heed sideways az aa cannit torn foto aroond!)

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"
THE MILBURN AND LEAZES STAND ROOF @ ST JAMES' PARK
 CAN JUST BE SEEN ON THE SYLINE IN THE CENTRE OF THE PHOTO
 (RIGHT HAND SIDE OF 2nd PANE OF GLASS!)
WHICH WAZ TAKEN FROM THE BACK OF
GATESHEED STADIUM'S MAIN STAND
"ARE THERE ANY WINDOW CLEANERS OOT THERE!?" 

THE HEEDBANGERS v SOOTHPORT *** GOOD FRIDAY @ '3 BELLS'

Updated '11:35am bells' Good Friday 18th April 2014

There's a very important game on Tyneside this afternoon---and NO!---a divvint meen a Toon game, but 'ower the waataa' in Gatesheed, where the home side are playin' a vital game against Soothport, with the aim to cement a place in the Conference 'play offs', with the ultimate prize a trip to Wembley and a place in the Futbaall Leegue!

'The Geordie Times' iz heedin' that way in the next hour or so, and 'The Nags Head' on Gatesheed High Street iz wor drinkin' destination before the match!

Admission iz just £9 for big kids if yoo produce your NUFC season ticket (just £2 for sprogs) and a good fower figure crowd iz guaranteed! <("ER!"--that's at the match, NOT at the pub!")

There will be a match/hootch report on this game in 'The Geordie Times' ower the weekend--so watch this space!

"HOWAY THE HEEDBANGERS!"