Sunday, 30 September 2018

THE TOON 0 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted  'high noon bells' Sunday 30th September 2018

"HISTORY IZ MADE!---BUT FOR AALL THE WRANG REASONS!"

Yoo divvint have to gan to the pictures to watch a horror show! Just gan to *NE1 4ST instead and yoo will see one!

This woz a game we HAD to win, but failed miserably az Lestaa took advantage of wor ineficiancy!
With striker Rondon oot for up to 2 months, it woz left to Joselu and Perez to lead the line once again! ("Oh no!")

We did have chances in the forst half when Joselu woz put clean through by Perez, but dillied and dallied near the goal and a defender toe poked the baall oot for a corner when Joselu shud have had a shot!

Diame then had a free heeder but put hiz effort wide of the goal at The Leazes End!

The misses were to prove costly az a debatable hand baall by Yedlin in the box left Vardy to shoot home from the followin penalty on the half hour mark!

Jonjo Shelvey then had an audasious lob shot from the halfway line but hiz effort woz saved by Shmicel in the visitors goal! (This woz to be wor anly shot on target in the entire match!)

The 2nd half woz terrible from wor point of view and in the 73rd minute the final nail in wor coffin woz hammered home when an unmarked Maguire heeded into the net to send the 3,000 Basil Brush Brigade wild in level 7 of The Leazes End!

Loud chants against 'The Fat Controller' followed, az he sat in the directors box for the forst time in 16 months ---and reports that he had a smirk on hiz face, tells yoo aall yoo need to know aboot him!

8 year old grandson Jamie asked to leave 15 minutes from the end az mee othaa grandson Zac disappeared with hiz daddy doon to the exits, with thoosands of othaa fans!

I told Jamie we had to stay till the bitter end, just in case we got a goal back! (Am I a cruel grandad or wot?)
We DIDNT!--- and history woz made (for aall the wrang reasons!) az we lost the openin 4 home games of a season for the forst time since 1892 (The year NUFC were formed, 126 years ago!)
It woz aalso the forst time since 1896 that we have gone into October withoot a win of any description!---Depressin' times indeed!😨

The anly light at the end of this dark tunnel iz the news that former Man U and Chelski chief executive Peter Kenyon iz brokerin a deal with Rockefeller Capital Management to buy wor great club!---Lets hope its true, or else 'The Championship' beckons us yet again, under 'The Fat Controller's disastrous leadership! (A possible hat-trick of relegations in 10 years!!!)
'WATCH' THIS SPACE!

*NE1 4ST iz NUFC's postcode!
*Explanation: Lestaa are nicknamed 'The Foxes'---Basil Brush iz a fox---get it?

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin(Manquillo 80), Lascelles, Clark, Kenedy, Ritchie(Murphy), Shelvey, Diame, Atsu, Joselu, Perez (Muto 69)

Attendance: 51,523 (3,000 Basil Brush foxes)

*


Top to bottom Flag day in The Leazes and Gallowgate Ends 
plus Jamie's backwards cap!


Saturday, 29 September 2018

THE TOON v THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE *** TOODAY!

Updated '11:05am bells' Saturday 29th September 2018
THIS WEEK 114 YEARS AGO***THE ADMIRAL OF THE FLEET KICKS OFF 
THE DERBY GAME v THE SMBs AT ST. JAMES' PARK
(LEAZES TERRACE (left) AND ST JAMES' STREET (right) 
OWERLOOK THE PROCEEDINGS!) 

News that Salomon Rondon will NOT be fit (again!) to play in wor game v Lestaa this comin' Saturday haz reached 'The Geordie Times' via carrier pigeon! >>>>>>>>>

So it will be the 'same old-same old' line up to try and get wor forst competitive win of the season at the 7th attempt!

'The Basil Brush Brigade' have sold 3,000 tickets for this game, but tickets are still on sale to Toon fans.
It will be interestin' to see the size of the crowd for 'this one' az wor visitors are the forst team ootside the 'big six' this season to visit SJP.

3 points are of utmost importance az wor next away game iz against Man U at The Theatre of Muppets a week later!

Shud we fail to beat Lestaa, then we could well be 'cut adrift' if we fail at Man U az well, before the 2nd international break of the season iz upon us in 3 weeks time!

PS: Just foond oot that Fernandez and Dummett are both injured az well and will miss the game!---It's aall gannin wrang!---isn't it just!

A full Geordie Times match and pix report will appear here sometime tomorrow!

Friday, 28 September 2018

"I'D RATHER READ THE BEANO!!!"

Posted '1:20pm bells' Friday 28th September 2018
"Are you Dennis Wise by any chance?"

Startlin' news that wor 'beloved' owner? (known affectionately az 'The Fat Controller') would rather read 'The Beano' than read the club programme, tells yoo everything you need to to know aboot how much interest he haz in NUFC!
"Who's that on the front cover???"


By the way Mike, hows Biffo the Bear doin' these days?

Tuesday, 25 September 2018

"YET ANOTHAA FINE MESS!"

Posted 2:45pm bells Tuesday 25th September 2018
Starring Dennis Wise 'the poison dwarf' az Stan Laurel 
and Tony 'I havvint got a clue' Jimenez az Oliver Hardy!

"YOU'RE XISCO KID(DING)!"

Revelations by wor former player and manager Kevin Keegan that we signed 2 players for astronomical fees' behind hiz back, have been published in wor 'little sister', The Times of London.

Xisco woz signed for £5.7 million by Tony Jimenez the executive put in charge of transfors, but, unbeleeeviblee, nebody from NUFC had EVER seen him play!

And then there's Igacio Gonzalez who Dennis Wise told Keegan to view on YouTube in a 60 second video!
Keegan looked, but thought he woz cr*p and told Wise what he thought!
Wise replied that "He woz a great player!", although he had never seen him kick a baall!
"We owe 2 South American agents a favour!" Wise went on, and "You don't even have to play him!--or have him set foot inside St. James' Park!"", which knocked King Kev for 'six'

Az it transpires, both players were aalready in the country anyway , and Keegan realised that they were aalready signed behind hiz back and this woz the trigger to sever hiz ties with the club he loved!

Xisco's wages were a mouth waaterin' £60,000 a WEEK (ower £3 million a year!), while Gonzalez woz on a 'mere' £26,000 a week! (£1 million a year!)

Xisco made 9 appearences in 4 years and scored ONE solitary goal while Gonzalez made TWO subs appearences totalling 38 MINUTES!--He then got injured and never played for us again!

The anly reason I can remember Xisco iz that he woz the forst player in wor history to have an name beginnin' with the letter 'X'
(X for 'X' certificate, perhaps!---for a c*ap player who pocketed ower £12 MILLION in hiz time here!)
And az for Gonzalez????????

"Quick!---switch on that Laurel and Hardy film!"

Monday, 24 September 2018

FA CUP 3rd PRELIMANY ROOND DRAW! *** BAD BLUE BOYS GET CHESTER!

Posted '2:30pm bells' Munday 24th September 2018
"BRING ON CHESTER!" "GGRRRRR!"

The draw for the 3rd prelimanary roond of the FA Cup haz just been made and the anly north east team definatly through are 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston, who have been given a plumb home tie against former leegue club Chester!


Dunston beat Irlam of Manchester 2-1 on Saturday, while 'The Consett Hillbillies' drew 3-3 at home to Warrington Toon and 'The Spartans of Blyth' drew 2-2 away to Nantwich!
If Consett win their the replay they will be at home to Telford ,while Blyth must travel to Gainsborough shud they progress!
'The Bad Blue Boys' are the lowest ranked team who are defiantly through to the next roond

Unfortunately we wont be there, az the ties will be played on Saturday 6th October---the same day az 'The Toon' travel to Man U for a Premyaa Leegue fixture!---and NUFC games must take priority!

Sunday, 23 September 2018

CRISTIL PALISS 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:00am bells' Sunday 23rd September 2018

"THE UNTERTAINERS!"

The '7:27am bells' jorney doon from 'The Central' woz uneventful and we arrived at wor destination 4 hours later---The Portland Arms boozer, which woz a 25 minute waalk from the groond.

Az it woz quiet and fairly cheap by London standards (£4:10 a pint), we decided to stop there for 'the duration' and after several liquid lubrications we heeded to the nearest bus stop az it woz 'chuckin it doon' by this time and we didn't want to get soaked!

We waited ages for the bus and it eventually torned up, but didnt gan past Palace's groond az advertised, so we still had a canny hike to get there when we alighted (we naa aall the big words!) so we still got soaked!

Anyway! We entered the away end and aa hord one of fans say that The Fat Controller woz there, which sent the Toon contingent into chants against him az the game kicked off!
The chanting woz loud and ear-piercing!

The game, predicably woz borin to say the least az both teams struggled to put 2 passes together az Rondon and Shelvey made an appearance at last!

The view from row 33 woz terrible and we couldnt see the far corner of the pitch az the rake of the terracin iz too shallow! (And I'm 6 foot taall!) ---the worst groond in the Premyaa Leegue for viewin--for certain!
"SPOT THE CORNER FLAG!"

The forst half ended 0-0 az both sides will surely be in 'the mire' with performances like this! "ZZZZZzzzzz!"😴

Rondon didnt reappear for the 2nd half with Joselu replacin him, az we again struggled to produce anything positive!

It woz the 'same old'-'same old' story though, az we watched on!
20 odd years ago we were known az 'The Entertainers', now we are the exact opposite!---'The Untertainers'!😨

The chantin against wor beloved owner? then got nastier and more poisonous, when some fans chanted that they wished that he woz dead!

We survived a couple of eazy chances in the 2nd half, but we would have been unlucky to concede at this point!

A bottle woz aalso thrown onto the pitch near the end by one of wor idiots, which hit one of their players az the game petered oot into a torturous goal-less draw!

Amazingly we climbed one place up the table to 18th, but we will have to do much better to climb higher!

Anothaa one to forget I'm afraid and we got drenched in the pourin rain on wor way back to Selhurst train station!

EUSTON TAP (EAST LODGE)

A few gargels in Euston after the game followed, before we caught the '8 bells' train from King's Cross.
in total 3 boozers were visited on wor '100 away pub crawl challenge' (this will be updated soon!)

EUSTON TAP (WEST LODGE)
(2 completleee different bars 
opposite each other a near Euston station)


It woz due back at 'The Central' at '11:04 bells' but woz 28 minutes late, which meant aa missed mee last bus yem and had to flag a taxi doon at an extra cost of £10!--just to round off anothaa torturous and 'untertainin'  away trip! (If the train had been 30 mins late I would have got half mee money back on the ticket!--- sods law!😨)

Team line up and more pix to follow later az a'm off on 'the hoy' in the next few minutes!

Updated Munday mornin'

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Fernandez (wor best player!), Dummett, Shelvey, Diame, Ritchie (Atsu 73), Perez, Kenedy, Rondon (Joselu 46)

Attendance: 25,679 (2,899 Toon diehards!--plus 1 bottle throwin' idiot!)

*


From The Sunday Sun
'The Fat Controller' iz left in 
no doubt wot the fans 'fink'!





Friday, 21 September 2018

CRISTIL PALISS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:33pm bells' Friday 21st September 2018

Orly tomorrow mornin' we heed for the 'delights'? of "sarf Landan" where we take on Critstil Paliss at Selhorst Park in wot haz become a "must get sommik" game, after 6 winless competitive games!

The omens however!--- ARE on wor side, az we have anly lost once there against them, since 1983-1984 in the 9 games played! (won 6, drawn 2, lost 1)

WE have nee idea if Jonjo Shelvey or Salomon Rondon will be in the startin line up, but lets look on the positive side for once this season and hopefully we will put up a good show and get a result!
Wor allocation of 2,900 tickets have finally sold oot---but not til they went on general sale--which shows the disillusionment among wor away followin' at the moment!

On another subject---we had to have a wry smile when we hord that anly 40,000 could be bothered to attend Man City's Champions Leegue tie v Lyon on Wedinzday neet!
2 very old and arrogant 'City' fans took the p**s oot of us before wor game there a fortneet ago, singin', "You've got Mike Ashley you should have had ours!" (the sheiks!) 

They lost 2-1 to Lyon in a shock result and aa couldn't help wunderin' if these smug bustards were part of the miserable 'atmosphere free' crowd at 'The Emptyhad', or if they decided to watch it on the telly like the 13,000 fair weather fans who didn't fill the empty seats, like they did when they played us (attendance: 53,000)
Az the old sayin gans: "Wot gans aroond comes aroond!" 
CAN YOO SPOT THE MAN CITY FANS 
DISGUISED AZ EMPTY BLUE SEATS!?

*An archive match report on mee forst ever visit to Selhurst Park 48 years ago in August 1970 iz printed below this article 

(ground number 14)

A full match and 'away pub crawl' report on tomorrow's game will appear here on Sunday (sometime) az per usual!


014 selhurst park crystal palace


(GROUND NUMBER 14)



Date of First Visit: 22nd AUGUST 1970

SELHURST PARK, LONDON


CRYSTAL PALACE 1 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 0


(OLD) DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE: 27,287 (2,000 Toon fans scattered aboot the ground <(ne segregation in them days!)


 
THE PROGRAMME COVER FROM 1970


"THE CRYSTAL MAZE!"


Meesel, Billy ‘hard case’ Gardner, Dylan and Deka Scott took the midneet ‘sleeper’ doon tih the capital for this one, and we arrived in ‘the big city’ at aboot ‘six bells’.

Skinheeds had just become ‘aall the rage’ and Billy ‘sported’ hiz ‘new image’ with a qwaata inch ‘skin’, complete with a shaved partin’!

He aalso ‘sported’ a size ten pair of ‘Doc Martens’ and waz ‘ready for anythin’!?




With a 'mystical' name like Crystal Palace, ah somehow had 'visions' of Selhurst Park resemblin'---well!---a 'palace'!, fit for a Queen!,------ covered in crystal glass!.



That 'vision'? soon evaporated when ah forst caught sight of the groond!.

The main stand was aboot sixty years aad, and had corrigated sheetin' 'clagged' tih the sides. The stand opposite, accordin' tih the match programme, had just been built, and had claret 'n' blue claddin' at the front. The two ends were open terracin', and the end we were in, had a grass bank tih stand on at the rear!.

(The Queen would NOT! be impressed!) (or amused!)

                                   


This was Palace's 2nd ever season in the top division, and their fans were really 'up for it' as kick off time approached and they were roamin’ the streets around the ground lookin’ for any Toon fans for a fight!---However!---az soon az they seen Billy they changed their minds and scarpered!



The match, as it torned oot, was'nt much tih write home aboot, and the Toon made a 'wobbly start' with John McNamee and Ron Guthrie in particular at the back havin' a bad game.



The 'new kids on the block' from Croydon (where Palace play) took advantage of this and ran oot one-nil winners, with their anly goal comin' in the forst half.



SO!--(very despondently!) wih headed for the station after the 'last rites', and caught the train for the twenty mile journey back tih Kings Cross. (Aye!, London IS a big F***** place!)




But---be warned!---whatever yih dee, divvint gan there by 'jam jar', like ah did a few seasons ago. Because of the traffic, it took us THREE F****** HOURS! tih travel the thirty odd miles tih the groond!, from the end of the 'M1' in north London! -----AND wih got totally lost as well!.



(Which was nearly as lang as it took us, tih travel the 280 miles from Newcastle tih north London!) (The mind boggles!)



The usual guide of 'homin' in' on the floodlight pylons was nee good either, as yih can't see them or the groond, 'til yih practically on top of it!.



It's not signposted, and there are hundreds of side streets tih get lost in!. It's like tryin' tih find ya way through a bloody gigantic maze!, and is without doubt, the hardest groond in the Futbaall League tih find!.

                                           



On another occasion, wih tried tih get a taxi tih Selhurst Park from Kings Cross. It took wih an hour an' a half!, cost the thick end of twenty five 'dustbin lids'!, AND---the taxi driver got f***** lost as well!?.



Nuw---if a 'black cab' driver, who's taken 'The Knowledge' , can't find it, what f***** chance have the rest of wih got???.



Yih could say that tryin' tih find the groond, is like tryin' tih find ya way through a 'Crystal Maze'!--------sic.

                                           


Footnote:

'The Crystal Maze' is (was?) an obscure (and daft!) telly programme on Channel Four, where contestants have tih try and find their way oot of a giant maze!.

                                           

'The Knowledge' is a test that aal London 'cabbies' have tih tek, tih show that they know where every street in London is!.

(Obviously, NOT! includin' the street where Palace play?!)



                                

'


Wednesday, 19 September 2018

IZ THE FAT CONTROLLER'S TRAIN SET COMIN' OFF THE RAILS!?

Posted '2:45pm bells' Wedinzday 19th September 2019

*News that wor 'beloved'??? absent owner haz dropped hiz askin' price to £300 million iz a sign of panic if it iz true?
Wor disastrous start to the new season woz so predicable and even in wor pre season forst team games, we anly won one game v St Patricks Athletic in Dublin! (2-0)

Since this game we are winless in a forthaa 4 pre season games, playin badly in Portugal v Porto (0-0) and Braga (0-4), plus a home defeat to Ausburg of Jawmany (0-1) and a 2-2 draw v Championship side Hull!

The 5 games in the Premyaa Leegue and have produced just one draw  (0-0 v Cardiff) and 4  2-1 defeats in total!
(6 games if you add in the 3-1 defeat to Championship side Forest in the Leegue Cup )

That's 11 games played in total and ONE solitary win against a bunch of Irish part timers!

'The Fat Controller's failure to attend home games for 16 months iz doon to fear of hostile criticism and complete loss of interest in hiz 11 year old 'train-set'!

In other words "It's comin' off the rails!" and It's time to sell up 'mate'? and "Get out of our club!" az the old songs gans! 
(NUFC fans have been singin' it for 10 years now!) 

Like 'The Geordie Times' said yesterday: 
"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!" 😨 

Tuesday, 18 September 2018

"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!"

Posted '12:57pm bells' Tuesday 18th September 2018
PROTESTS OOTSIDE THE CLUB SHOP LAST SATURDAY!

News that The Fat Controller iz willin to drop hiz askin' price from £380 million to around £300 million for the sale of NUFC, haz reached The Geordie Times!


Fan protests outside hiz shops (including the club shop!) have been ongannin for sometime now!

The fact that we sit 2nd bottom of The Premyaa Leegue and face losin' oot on next season's gravy train money, shud we gan doon for the thord time under hiz (lack of) leadership, could be the main reasons for a rumoured 'panic' 'flash sale'!

Of course we have hord aall this before ---havvent we?---and we will beleeeve it when it happens!
WOT THE PAPERS SAY!

He iz now hated by the vast majority of wor fan base and the protests will anly get worse the langer he hangs on!  

"IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!" 

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS!---"NEW GROOND!---NEW GROOND!"

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Tuesday 18th September 2018

It haz been conformed that wor resorves U23 Premyaa Leegue cup tie away to Leeds will be played at Nethermoor, the home of non leegue Guisley AFC
This iz joyous news for the mad-sad groundhoppers, amongst aall the doom and gloom of relegation battles involving wor forst team!
πŸ˜€
The game in Guisley will be played on Munday 25th February 2019 with a '7 bells' kick off time!

*

Monday, 17 September 2018

GROUND ZERO!

Posted '2:05pm bells' Munday 17th September 2018
MAN U***GROUND ZERO!

News that wor away game at 'The Theatre of Muppets' next month iz sold oot, iz hardly a suprize!
But the fact that the loyalty points needed had dropped to ZERO tells yoo aall iz not well with supporters!

Flashback to the 1990s when we had a team to challenge Man U for the title!
Anly 800 tickets were available to Toon fans az Man Us groond woz bein extended and they needed to shut a stand for buildin' work!

I know one fan caalled Dekka who paid a fellow fan £300 for a ticket to get into that game!
Now, lack of interest, or fear of a hiding, haz depleated wor away followin to such an extent that yoo could get a ticket, even if you'd NEVER been to an away game before!
Dekka, by the way, doesnt gan anymore!

On Saturday against 'The Arse', one of my mates who will remain nameless and who hasnt missed a home game for years (includin friendlies) didnt torn up and I woz worried that summik had happened to prevent hiz attendance!

It later transpired that he went to work az a plumber instead, fittin a new boiler into an *'old boiler's hoose, rather than gan to the match! 😨
(*'old boiler' iz Geordie slang for an old woman!)

Another mate who went to every home and away game when we were in The Championship, ISNT gannin to Palace this comin' Saturday!😨

Apathy haz set in I'm afraid, and its aall doon to one man who doesnt gan anymore, namely 'The Fat Controller' who owns and iz ruinin wor great club, but couldnt give 2 monkeys F**** anymore!
CRISTIL PALACE***GROUND ZERO!

Az for myself, I WILL be at Palace, but its gettin to be a right chore to do away games now!
I remember that more than 10,000 travelled to Palace, when Wimbledon ground shared there in the 1990s!
Now we cant sell 3,000 tickets for the same venue! (They are still on sale with zero points needed to buy one!)

A thord relegation in 9 years iz unfinkable to me and aall Toon fans, but iz a very reel possibility once again!
"HELP!"😨

Sunday, 16 September 2018

THE TOON 1 THE ARSE 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '11:33am bells' Sunday 16th September 2018
THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL (1st half)

"THE SAME OLD STORY!"

For the 3rd home game in a row we lost narrowly by 2 goals to 1 to leave us in the bottom 3 of the table!

We started off well az we attacked the Leazes End goal, but yet again, didnt have the finishin power to score!
Rondon and Shelvey were conspicuous by their absence once again, az 'the same old story' unfolded before us!

It woz 0-0 at half time, but it didnt take 'The Arse' lang to score the forst goal from a free kick from 30 yards oot, when Xhaka hit an unstoppable shot past Dubravka in The Toon goal!

10 mins later and it woz 2-0 to "the norf Landaners" when Ozil fired home from 15 yards oot!

Reely there woz nee way back at this point az wor visitors went for a thord goal, az we lost wor shape!

A consolation heeded goal from Ceiran Clark deep into injury time at The Gallowgate End woz too little tooo late, az the ref blew for full time not lang after this!
With just one point oot of 15, this iz wor worst start EVER to a Premyaa Leegue season!😨
ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Another relegation battle iz definatly on again!
'The same old story' under wor absent owners leadership--or lack of it az the case may be!
(16 months now since he last plonked hiz fat 'arsenal' on hiz seat in the directors box!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles (Clark 46), Fernandez, Dummett, Murphy (Kenedy 69), Hayden, Diame, Ritchie (Muto 79), Joselu, Perez

Attendance: 52,165 (3,200 Arseholes in level 7 of The Leazes End)

*Flag pix
TOON FANS PROTEST AGAINST 'THE FAT CONTROLLER' 
OOTSIDE THE CLUB SHOP!
(OF COURSE, HE WASNT HERE TO SEE IT!)

GALLOWGATE FLAGS

LEAZES FLAGGG!




Friday, 14 September 2018

THE TOON v THE ARSE *** TOMORROW AT '3 BELLS'!

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Friday 14th September 2018
St James' Park from
Stanhope Street

We retorn to leegue action after the International break and take on The Arse at SJP in an unusual '3 bells' non televised fixture for the forst time this season!

Hopefully Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Ritchie will be back, in what iz a game we must get sommik oot of to avoid bein' stranded in the bottom 3!

We aall knew that we would struggle after wor tough start, which of course iz entirly doon to one man, who cant be bothered aboot comin to games anymore---an absense streatchin' back to May 2017!
Just 500 tickets remain on sale, so the game looks certain to be a selloot!
In previous years it would have sold oot weeks ago, but apathy haz started to set in, I'm afraid!(Yoo know who to blame!)

We will of course bring yoo, wor loyal subjects, a full match report on Sunday az per usual!
Watch this space for this➡😊---OR---this!➡😨

Thursday, 13 September 2018

SENT TO COVENTRY 2008!

Posted '4:00pm bells' Thorzday 13th September 2018

I have just completed mee archive match report from Coventry in August 2008 when we visited their new Ricoh Arena abode (ground 267)
This meenz that match/booze reports from new groonds visited durin' the last 10 seasons are now complete!
(see below)

267 ricoh arena coventry


(GROUND NUMBER 267)

Date of First Visit: 26th AUGUST 2008

RICOH ARENA, COVENTRY



COVENTRY CITY  2

NEWCASTLE UNITED  3  (N'Zogbia, Milner, Owen)



COCA COLA CUP 2nd Round

Attendance: 19,249     (3,008 Toon fans includin’ Mike Ashley in the away end!)


Michael Owen winner in extra time
(dark blue shirt on left)




Fower of us 'were sent to Coventry' in ‘The Caped Crusaders’ ‘bat mobile’ and we arrived at the groond (sorry!-- ARENA!) which woz smack bang in the middle of  an industrial estate on the ootskirts of the city centre, in plenty of time for the forst ‘gargels’!



We eventually foond a bar in a hoozin' estate half a mile away up the road called ‘The Hub’ and settled doon for ‘the duration az there were nee othaa bars in sight!

Apart from ‘me’ and The Caped Crusader, Jonezee and ‘Grumpy Stumpy’ were in attendance az we hoyed the ‘gargel’ doon wor ‘Gregory Pecks’ (necks!)




While me and Jonezee drank the local brew, Grumpy Stumpy went on the scrumpy and The Caped Crusader kept to soft drinks az he woz drivin’!



It woz then time to heed for the tornstiles of this brand new ground and on enterin’ we could see that it woz half empty with thoosands of sky blue seats vacant in the home sections! (13,000 to be exact!)

The Toon section woz canny full az the game kicked off and we went on the attack straight away!



It took us 21 minutes to oen the scorin’ when N’Zogbia fired home a James Milner cross!

17minutes later and anothaa cross from Milner woz missed by everybody, includin’ their goalie and it sailed into the net after takin a slight deflection off a Coventry defender! 2-0

 
TOON MANAGER KEVIN KEEGAN BELOWS OUT INSTRUCTIONS
 FROM THE AWAY DUGOOT!

The Sky Blues pulled one back deep into forst half stoppage time after indecision in the Toon defence!



The game petered oot and deep into injury time, az we made wor way to the exits for a quick getaway, disaster struck, when a lang throw in near wor corner flag from a Coventry defender, foond the heed of Dann, who nodded the baall into the top of the net!



The very thing aa didn’t want woz extra time az aa had an orly start for work the next mornin’!   "CURSES!"



Anyway!--- in the 97th minute we got a 3rd goal, when a superb baall from Enrique foond Michael Owen (who had come on az a 2nd half sub)and he lobbed the Coventry keeper to eventually win the tie! (see top photo)
But not after some finger bitin' in the last few minutes to avoid a dreaded penalty shoot out!




Aa got yem in the orly hours and then had to drag mee lifeless body oot of bed at ‘6am bells’ to de a ‘truck run’ to Glasgow!



Such iz life!



Footnote: Sadly both 'Jonezee' and 'The Caped Crusader' (who woz better known az 'The Undertaker') are no longer with us!

RIP lads!

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

ASHINGTON ARCHIVE MATCH REPORT

Posted '1:40pm bells' Wedinzday 12th September 2018

PHOTO 'NICKED' FROM
NUFC.COM! 😲
Below this article iz a match report from NUFCs forst ever visit to The Ashington Pit Yaakkers new Woodhorn Lane abode, which woz opened in 2008

This report meeenz that I have now published a report on every new groond visited in the last 10 years!(nearly!)

Havin visited 337 groonds watchin NUFCs various teams since 1964, there are now archive reports from 140 odd groonds on this website!

Still a lang way to gan to complete them aall---BUT!---I will 'plod on regardless' in my quest to de a report on every groond visited!
(Ground 271, Woodhorn Lane, Ashington)

271 woodhorn lane ashington



(GROUND NUMBER 271)

Date of First Visit: 15th JULY 2009

WOODHORN LANE, ASHINGTON, PIT YAKKER-LAND!



ASHINGTON  2

NEWCASTLE UNITED  Reserves  3 (Baheng, Zambiera, Sammy Amiobi)



FRIENDLY FIXTURE

ATTENDANCE: 652 (mostly Toon fans)








“I AM NOT A SEASON TICKET NUMBER!?------I AM A FREE MAN!!!???”



Aa had ti gan to this one of course as it was a brand new groond and aad arranged at work to get a very orly start that day so that aa had plenty of time to mek the match.

So!---it was oot of bed at three in the morn’ and off  ‘truckin’ to Mansfield for Allied Bakeries.

A three bells afternoon finish meant aa had plenty of time to get yem for a wash ‘n’ brush up and a bit scran before cadgin’ a lift off ‘The Caped Crusader’ to deepest Northumberland.



Unlike Ashington’s aad grooond which was near the toon centre, this one is in the middle of ne where, next to a dodgy lookin’ hoosin’ estate and this was conformed when we got to the clubhoose entrance at the groond, as it was like ‘Fort Knox’ to get into.

(“Er!”---come to think of it?---the whole of ‘pit yakker-land’ is a ‘bit dodgy lookin’!)

Metal roller shutters were on the windows and doors and just to mek sure that nebody could get past this, they had iron bars on the doors as well!

We got there just as an aad wifey was openin’ up (good timin’ pet!) and downed the forst ‘liquid refreshments’ at ‘five thorty bells’ preciseleee! (‘seven bells’ kick off)



This torned oot to be the forst ‘outin’ of the Toon’s new horrendous ‘Whitley Bay deckchair stripes’ away strip, which would’nt have looked oot of place on the set of the cult TV series, ‘The Prisoner’!  

"WHERE'S MEE SUNSHADES?"
(PHOTO 'NICKED' FROM NUFC.COM 😲)

And of course, just like ‘The Prisoner’ (Patrick Magoohan) there’s ‘ne escape’!  (In his case—there’s ne escape from his island prison---and in wor case---there’s ne escape from ‘St James’ prison’!) (Er!---except for away games ‘on parole’, that is!)

ie: “yiv got ti gan---ne matter wot happens!”



A combination of yellow ‘n’ orange striped shirts, orange shorts and yellow ‘n’ orange hooped socks (UGH!) actually blended in well with the sun as it shone brightleee in the Northumberland sky!



Many fans were sportin’ designer ‘Poond Shop’ sunglasses to stop the glare from the strips blindin’ them, while Ashington AFC, on the otha hand, were sportin’ a very dull black ‘n’ white striped shirt design with  black shorts and black ‘n’ white socks (now where have aa seen that before???)

(‘Glennn from Ashington’ was one of  the above posers, although he insisted that his expensive designer ‘shades’ were in fact from Poondstrecher!) (Er!---anly jokin’ mate!)



The same ‘saddos’ were there of course who had been in Ireland fower days before for the Shamrock game and they were aall huddled together takin notes of just who was actually playin’!, namly, “zzzzzzz!”, ‘Dave from York’, his ‘sidekick’ Alex, ‘The Bear’, ‘Byzee’, Glennn and of course ‘The Caped Crusader’. (aalso present was ‘The Mad Professor’ who could’nt be bothered to gan to Ireland (part time sad b******!)





“WHERE’S THE MILBURN ARMY?”



Just like the fans, ‘The Pit Yakkers X1’ were aalso ‘dazzled’ by wor new ‘Prisoner strip’ (as it was now appropriateleee christened !) as we took the lead with bearly two mins on the clock, when Zambiera (‘Zam Man’) flicked the baall into the path of Baheng who coolly slotted home.



However!---the lead did’nt last lang and the home side levelled  when Frazer Forster in the Toon goal fumbled a cross and Ashington’s Keith Douglas took advantage with an unstoppable shot into the reet hand corner of the net!

There was applause of course for the home sides goal, but sadly there was ne sign of the Ashington drummer alang his ten strong entourage to ‘wind up’ the crowd into a ‘frenzy’ like they had at their aad groond, where they used to sing, “Jackie Milburn’s black ‘n’ white army!” , alang with otha ‘ditty’s’

And the fact that there is ne bus service from the toon centre to the groond eetha ,does’nt help! , so mebeez they just decided that it was too far to waalk and packed in gannin’!?

(That’s wot happens when yi sell yi prime site groond to Asda/Tesco/Morrisons etc!)



It was 2-1 to the Toon just before the break when ‘Zam Man’ fired in from close range from a Baheng cross and then it was a ‘mad rush’ to the bar as the ref blew for half time.

(Unfortuanetleee!---the bar was ‘heavin’ and aa estimated that it would tek at least twenty mins to get sorved, so aa ‘abandoned’ that ‘plan’ and went for a ‘scabby eye’ instead!)



Ten  mins into the second period the ‘Pit Yakkers’ again drew level after another error in the Toon’s defence by sub Sammy Amiobi (yee naa who’s bruvva!) but! he made amends for his ‘mistayke’ when he drove home the winnin’ goal with a fine left footer strike, mid-way through the half !



After the match we made for the car and amazingly it still had aall it’s wheels on? and had’nt been ‘torched’!? (Er!---mebeez they are’nt that bad roond theeze parts after aall!?) and aa arrived yem just in time for mee ‘cow pie supper’ which wor lass had just made!----“Yum yum!”





©Fink (the mad-sad grundhpper!)








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