Friday 30 January 2015

BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '2:35pm bells' Friday 30th January 2015
ACTION FROM LAST SEASON WHEN WE WERE
HOUSED REET BEHIND THE GOAL!****
NUFC (in yellow) WON 4-1 !<(a repeat of that pleeeze!)

Tomorrow we revisit the scene of Pardew's infamous heedbutt on a Hull player last season, but wor manager/yes man, 'jumped ship' on New Years Eve and wont be anywhere near 'The KC'.
(It haz been envisaged that any 'aggro' will be left to John 'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver to hoy a few 'snake and pigmy' pies at Hull players when they are anywhere near the away dugout!)

The away end haz changed and we are now stuck in a corner section and not behind the goal az in previous seasons. This seeemz to be 'the norm' theeze days---puttin' away fans in the worst possible seats away from the goal area! (We are ne exeption, puttin' the away fans 'in the gods'!)

'The Geordie Times' entourage <(we naa aall the big words!) are on the '7:22 bells' train in the mornin' and expect to arrive in Hull to catch at least a couple of 'liquid lubrications' before the ridiculous '12:45 bells' kick off <('live telly' rules of course!)

It haz been conformed that Abeid, Santon and Obertan will be in the squad but wethaa Cisse retorns in time from hiz jaunt in 'The African Nations Cup' iz anybodys guess???

And wot do we think will happen tomorrow?----your guess iz az good az mine and we can anly hope that 'the powers that be' have made the reet choice in Carver's appointment az heed coach til the end of the season.

Ne wins in FOWER attempts iz hiz record in charge so far!---lets hope the players respond in the reet way and give the 2,500 travellin' fans sommik to cheer for a change!---we shall see!  

Thursday 29 January 2015

WORLD AVERAGE GATES *** LATEST *** JANUARY 2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 29th January 2015
ST JAMES' PARK ***
HOME OF THE 11th BEST SUPPORTED CLUB IN THE WORLD!

Orlier on in the week we telt yoo that we would be publishin' the latest average attendances from the fower corners of the planet and theeeze are listed below!

Unbeleevibleeee NUFC are still in the top 20 despite every effort by the club to dissuade us from attendin' games by givin' us a mediocre mid-table team! <(for the moment at least!) and ne permanent manager/dogsbody/yes man/ etc/ etc!

Az per usual Jawmany's Borussia Dortmund lead the way, followed by the Spanish giants and the 'Manc Muppeteers'!
Anly one club in the top 20 iz from ootside Europe and they are CF America from Mexico!

9 of the top 20 are from Jawmany, 5 are from Ing-er-land, 4 are from Spain, with 1 each from Holland and Mexico

 World's best supported clubs *** January 2015

1 Borussia Dortmund: 80,435
2 Real Madrid: 76,178
3 Man U: 75,339
4 Barcelona: 73,773
5 Bayern Munich: 71,000
6 CF America: 66,853
7 Schalke 04: 61,470
8 The Arse: 59,983
9 Hertha Berlin: 52,603
10 Hamburg: 51,548
11 THE TOON: 51,168
12 Borussia Munchers: 50,434
13 Ajax: 49,985
14 Koln: 48,763
15 Stuttgart: 47,288
16 Frankfurt: 47,222
17 Atletico Madrid: 46,112
18 Man C: 45,502
19 Athletic Bilbao: 44,750
20 The Liverbirds: 44,684 

NUFC are aalso the 3rd best supported club in the UK and the 10th best supported club in Europe! <(are we daft or wot???)  

Tuesday 27 January 2015

"IT'S A CARVE UP!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 27th January 2015

So! (surprize!-surprize!) NUFC have so far failed to find a 'Yes Man' to fill Pardew's shoes and have predicably appointed John 'The Pie' Carver az interim 'Dogsbody' til at least the end of the season and then he will be sacked when a new ("Do az you are told!") coach iz eventually appointed! <(readin' between the lines!)

This chaotic, shambolic and ambitionless club just gans from one calamity to anothaa and Carver, who will now be in charge for the last 16 games, haz been given a 'top 10 target' by the club! <(for the 3rd best supported club in the UK, with average gates of 51,000 +, this iz amazing!)

Carver of course haz 'black and white blood' just like the rest of us and we can anly hope and pray that he can deliver the goods or else we are in deep (deep!) trouble!
A SIX pointer against Hull on Saturday iz next on the agenda!---A game "we must not lose" or we will be dragged into the relegation battle for certain! 

Az one paper said this mornin', 'quote':
"NO WINS IN FOUR GAMES!---YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!"

Monday 26 January 2015

LAST WEEK OF THE WINDOW!

Posted '10:39am bells' Munday 26th January 2015

We are nuw into the last week of the transfor window and it looks very (very!) likely that there will be ne new NUFC manager or new players in place by the time the window closes!
On the ootgoin' side however, anythin' iz possible and divvint be surprised if there iz some activity on the very last day to forthaa 'fatten' 'The Fat Controller's' wallet!

We have yet anothaa 'free week' to prepare for wor visit to Hull next Saurday where we play 'Broken Nosed Bruce's Tiger Lillys' in wot iz nuw a 'must not lose' game!

We are just 8 points aheed of 'Brucey's Boys' and 10 of the very bottom place held by Lestaa City!

We reeely shud have strengthened wor squad but 'financial restraints' on the 3rd best supported club in Britain and 19th richest club in the world, meeen that we must (most likely?) 'plod on and 'hope for the best'! <("suck it and see!") >>>

The players and staff are nuw back from their 'warm weathaa trainin' in Dubai to 'freeezin' cold trainin' in Benton and a calamitous sign of this iz the fact that Man City did exactly the same thing az us last week in Dubai and then lost 2-0 to 'The Smog Monsters' in the FA Cup @ 'The Emptyad Stadium' <(it waz nearly empty by the end of the match!)

(Lets hope we don't befall the same fate!)

The Top 5 Average Attendances in Britain:

1 Man U *** 75,339
2 The Arse *** 59,983
3 THE TOON *** 51,168
4 Man C *** 45,502
5 The Liverbirds *** 44,684

'The Geordie Times' stat man iz currentleee compilin' the latest list of world average gates---watch this space!---list will be updated sometime this week!  

Sunday 25 January 2015

"BLANKETY BLANKETY BLANK!"

Posted '11:01am bells' Sunday 25th January 2015
"HI!---I'M BACK AGAIN!---YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME!"

With yet anothaa (self inflicted!) blank weekend to fill in, it waz decided to heed for Bedlington to get wor Saturday 'fix', where the home side were takin' on 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in a Northern Leegue encoonter!

Aa met up with 'Grumpy Stumpy' in 'The Hotspur' @ '12:30 bells' and telt him that the match waz in doubt due to the inclement weathaa!
Aa had Bedlington's phone number and rang to see if the match waz on?----there waz ne reply from the othaa end and the 'telling-bone' just went onto 'answer mode'!
The conclusion waz!---because there waz nebody at the groond just two and a half hours before kick off, we assumed (wrongly!) that the match waz OFF!

We ended up watchin' Ross Coonty v Glasgay Celtic on the bar's telly in an absolutely cr*p game and this torned oot to be wor Saturday 'fix'! <(quick!---pass me anothaa 'liquid lubrication'!)

Later on we foond oot that Bradford had sensationally beaten Chelski 4-2 @ Stamford Bridge in the FA Cup after bein' 2 goals doon and that 'The Smoggies' had aalso won away @ Man City!
Pardew's Palace aalso won away @ Sooothampton to put them in the 5th roond!---sommik he wasn't allowed to de @ The Toon in 4 attempts az wor manager! (ie: play a full strength team in the 'cups')
The romance of the FA Cup?---divvint tell any Toon fans this!

(The Bedlington v Dunston game DID get played (after a late pitch inspection) with the visitors winnin' 1-0) 

Friday 23 January 2015

"WE'RE IN THE MONEY!" ----"WHEY!, A CERTAIN 'FAT CONTROLLER' IZ, ANYWAY!"

Posted '12:38pm bells' Friday 23rd January 2015


SOMEWHERE IN THE BOWELS OF ST JAMES' PARK!

Delloitte's 'Top 20 Futbaall Rich List' in the world puts NUFC in 19th position and we are, quote: "Commercially, in the STRONGEST position in our history!"
Yet!, like a certain Dickens' character, we scrimp and save 'the scraps' and sell on any 'valuable assets' at the orliest opportunity to increase a certain owerweight gadgie's bank account to the detriment of the team, who bale oot the sinkin' boat with a tea cup, az the waataa leaks in through the many cracks!

NE manager/ heed coach/ dogs body/ crawler/ yes man OR new players to bale oot the boat (yet!), az we scrap it oot for the rest of the season alang with Lestaa, Palace, Hull, Bornley, QPR, 'The SMBs' and the rest of the dead wood, in a desperate attempt to stay IN the '(gravy!) boat' and not end up at the bottom of the Tyne!    
 AN IMPROMPTU PLAYERS TRAININ' SESSION
SOMEWHERE ON THE RIVER TYNE!


Thursday 22 January 2015

'PENFOLD' SPEAKS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 22nd January 2015
A CLUB SPOKESMAN!
An amazing thing happened yesterday!---^someone from NUFC who iz 'the spit' of 'Penfold' off  the 'Secret Squirrel' cartoon, actually spoke to the local press and media to tell them of wor plans for the rest of the season and beyond!
And wot have we foond oot that we didn't aalready naaa???
Nothin' really!---It's a SECRET!
AN IMPOSTER! ---"MY LIPS ARE SEALED!"

 

Wednesday 21 January 2015

"IT'S A FIX!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 21st January 2015
"I NEED A DRINK TO WATCH THIS LOT!"

"IT'S A FIX ---ONE!"

With 21 days of the January transfor window now gone, we STILL divvint naa if we will have a new 'manager/coach/dogs body/yes man'! in place before the end of the month/season/decade!

Conspiracy theorys are dein the roonds, claimin' we divvint want a new manager yet az he MIGHT (just MIGHT!) want to spend some money in wot iz left of the transfor window! <(IF yoo believe that then yoo MUST be a Toon fan!)   

Ne transfors 'in or oot' YET?---but divvint haad yer breath for anybody comin' 'IN'!---more than likely on the last day(s) of the window though, yoo can expect a flurry of activity from 'the big clubs' to 'cherry pick' the best of a pretty average side to gan 'OOT'! <(az per usual for us at this time of the year!)

"IT'S A FIX ---TWO!"

The revised telly schedules for March have just been released and we have got off lightly with just ONE game bein' picked by eethaa SKY or BT which iz the home game against Man U.
The date and time of the fixture hazzent been changed, but it iz now bein' shown live on BT on Wednesday 4th March @ '7:45 bells'!

"IT'S A FIX ---THREE!"

Because we have yet anothaa 'blankety blank' weekend due to it bein' 'FA Cup 4th roond day' (az we of course got knocked oot 'of it' in Lestaa at the beginnin' of the month!), we need to get wor 'fix' elsewhere and are plannin' on gannin' to the salubrious surroundings of 'The Dr Pitt' Welfare groond in Bedlington on Saturday afternoon, where the home side are due to play 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in a Northern Leegue fixture!
However! bad weathaa could scupper wor plans az, scandalously!, 'The Terriers' divvint have undersoil heatin' at their ramshackle groond! <(wot's the world comin' te!???) 

Sunday 18 January 2015

THE TOON 1 SOOOTHAMPTON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 18th January 2015
"HAND BAALL!!!"---BUT THE BLIND REF DIDN'T GIVE IT!???

With a '5:30 bells' kick off thanx to 'SKY' we had plenty of time to consume large amounts of alcoholic beverages before the game and we started off in 'The Monkey Bar' before movin' on to 'The Welly' and finally 'The Toon Arms'!
ON WOR WAY TO 'BASE CAMP'!

On a freeezin' January day we finally made wor way to 'base camp' at the bottom of The Milburn Stand before ascendin' the 200 stairs to wor seats on 'level 7' az per usual! <(heart attacks on 'standby'!)
ACTION IN THE 1st HALF AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END!

We started off the brighter of the 2 teams and had a couple of good chances orly on to take the lead and so it waz a shock when 'The Simon Templar Mob' went ahead in the 14th minute @ The Gallowgate End when Elia hit a low shot from the edge of the box which went 'straight through' Tim Krul in The Toon goal <(a shot he shud have saved!)

A fluke equaliser through Yoan Goffran levelled things when Sooothampton defender Gardos tried to clear but the baall hit Gouffran and went straight into the net @ The Leazes End!

In the 2nd period we did exactly the same thing and 'shot worsels in the foot', when a defensive mix up left Elia again with a free shot on goal, which hit Janmaat on the way, which wrong footed Krul!

Paul Dummett then had a free header but he inexplicably sent it wide with the goal gapin'!

A blatent penalty claim near the end when Riviere's volley on the edge of the box foond Fonte's hand, waz missed by the officials, az Riviere protested vigorously! <(a shockin' decision!) (see top foto!)
THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Anothaa unfortunate defeat meenz that we have still to win a game in fower attempts in 2015!----We now slip to the bottom half of the table into 11th place 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Dummett (Williamson 80), Haidera, Sissoko, Anita (Riviere 68), Colback, Cabella, Perez, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 69)

Attendance: 49,307 (2nd lowest this season)  (1,400 Sooothampton fans)  *


PS: On a much brighter note, can we just congratulate both North Sheeelds and 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston who both progressed to the last 16 of the FA Vase!
Sheeelds won 4-1 against Consett and Dunston won 1-0 at Heanor Toon!

The two Tyneside teams gan into tomorrows 5th roond draw @ Wembley 
Lets hope that they avoid each othaa and get two home ties!

Saturday 17 January 2015

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON *** TEATIME/TIPPLE TIME!

Updated 'high noon bells' Saturday 17th January 2015

"WHO NEEDS 'SUN KISSED' DUBAI?"

This evenin' @ '5:30 bells' we face a rampant Sooothampton side who are fresh off their win @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' last week, while we contemplate a 2-0 defeat @ Chelski!

Wor worst performance in 2014 came @ St Mary's where 'The Simon Templar Mob' hammered us 4-0 last September and it could easily have been double that figure az we played so badly that day!

Wor visitors are in 3rd place in the table, while we are 12 points behind in 10th place---but more ominously, we are now just 10 points off the very bottom place, currently held by Lestaa, who (lest we forget?) knocked us oot of the FA Cup!
The team iz expected to be more or less the same az at Chelski last week and we can anly hope that we play like we did in the forst half there! <(but not the 'second'!)

"Whey aye the pie" Carver haz been speakin' aboot the 'sunshine break' the players and coachin' staff are havin' next week in Dubai az a 'reward' FA Cup elimination! (see article below!)

Carver: "People will be putting two and two together and thinking that we are on a 'jolly', but let me tell you it's no 'jolly-up'!"

He then gans on to say: "We go to Dubai on Sunday evening!"---"Monday we will have a 'recovery session'!" <(to get ower the 'jet lag' perhaps?)

"Tuesday will be a full training session!" <(wow!)

"Wednesday they'll be off!"----"They'll have a free day to play golf like a normal week!" (very nice!) <(at the same time aa'll probably be stuck in a traffic jam somewhere on the 'M1'!)

"We've got a hurricane out there to deal with <(Benton trainin' groond) and it's difficult to do quality stuff with the wind howling!" <(yi shud iv been on the 'A1M' in Coonty Durham at 'two bells' this mornin', mate!---if yi want to see wind howlin'!)

There iz ne mention az to wot they will be dein' for the rest of the week, but after last years 'sunshine break' in Dubai (after gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup by 'then' basement side Cardiff!) we went on a fower game winless run withoot scorin' a solitary goal! <(these 'sunshine breaks' certainly work wonders---divvint they???

'Geordie Times' comment: Why? are we gannin on 'warm weathaa trainin', when wor next game after Sooothampton will be played @ Hull in freezin' cold temperatures!?
Surely it would be much better to jump on 'The Metro' and heed for Tynemooth beach where we used to gan for winter trainin' not too lang ago! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Whitley Bay, just up the road haz a very nice miniature golf course az well, shud the players need some 'puttin' practice' <(just how playin' golf will help us anyway, iz bafflin' to say the least!???)

'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

History lesson: We forst played Sooothampton @ St James' Park just ower 80 years ago on 1st December 1934, when we won 1-0 in a (old) Division 2 game, with Lang getting' the anly goal of the game. (crowd not known?)

'Geordie Times' history: Wor forst visit waz nearly 48 years ago in April 1967, when we beat 'The Simon Templar Mob' 3-1, with wor goals comin' from Wyn 'The Leap' Davies, Peter Noble and 'Pop' Robson.
42,426 were in attendance, in a game that saved us from relegation <(If aa remember correctly?) (we finished 3rd bottom of the (old) 1st Division that season, in the days when anly 2 went doon!)

In total we have played them 89 times, won 35, drawn 20 and lost 34 times

A full Geordie Times match/tipple report will appear here sometime tomorrow


Thursday 15 January 2015

"WHEY AYE-EEE!, WE'RE OFF TO DUBAI!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 15th January 2015
'PIEMAN' CARVER TO PLAYERS:
"WOT ARE YOU LIKE AT CLIMBIN' TOWERS, LADS?"

NUFC players and coachin' staff have been 'rewarded' by 'The Fat Controller' for gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup at the forst hurdle, (az planned!), with a trainin' 'break' to Dubai next week!

This will coincide nicely with '4th roond day' in the FA Cup, az of course we have yet anothaa 'self inflicted' 'blankety blank' weekend to fill in! <(We would have played Sporz away next week for the 3rd time this season had we bothered to torn up at Lestaa!) <(just az well---perhaps!)

Az the players 'enjoy' their sunshine break, the rest of us 'plebs'---"er!" 'fans'! must carry on 'their day jobs', stackin' shelves at Tesco's, fixin' broken toilet cisterns and battlin' through gale force winds and snow in high sided vehicles on the 'A1M'! etc etc etc!

Meeenwhile! there iz still ne news of any transfors 'in or oot' and of course, ne news of an inpendin' new managerial appointment, with half the transfor window now gone!

Did we expect anything else?????

Wednesday 14 January 2015

"SOS TIMES 2!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 14th January 2015

"ARE THEY PEOPLE'S HOUSES?"----
THE MAIN ROAD ON THE WAY TO The Stadium Of "Ssshhh!"- Yee Naa Wot!"
(WE'VE GOT TO PASS THIS PLACE TWICE NOW,
IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS!!)

Last neets win for the mackem U18s against Ipswich in the FA Youth Cup 4th roond, meenz that NUFC must travel to 'The Stadium of "Ssshhh!!!"--Yee Naa Wot!" on TWO occasions in the followin' months! (For the Youth Cup tie and a Premyaa Leegue encoontaa!)

Ne date haz been set for the Youth Cup 5th roond tie, but of course wor forst team must travel to 'The 'SOS' sometime on Easter weekend!

Meeenwhile a date haz been set for wor U21/resorves Leegue Cup qwaataa final tie against Blackborn Rovers, which will be staged @ SJP on Tuesday 20th January @ '7 bells' <(next week!)

In 'The Northumberland Senior Cup 'semis', we have been drawn @ home against Morpeth Toon and this will be played @ Whitley Park/Blue Flames on a date yet to be conformed! 

Monday 12 January 2015

THE TOON U21s v "NE WHERE NEAR" BOLTON U21s *** RESORVE LEEGUE

Posted '9:50am bells' Munday 12th January 2015

THE U21s GAME v READING @ 'BLUE FLAMES' ORLIER THIS SEASON
(WE WON 5-2!)

For those of yoo who are at a 'loose end' toneet and fancy gettin' 'blown away', then why not heed for 'Blue Flames', Benton (aka Whitley Park) where the resorves are playin' Bolton's equivalent @ '7 bells'! (FREE admission to season ticket holders/members!---£3 and £1 for aall othaaz!)
Table toppin' 'Pedro' Beardsley's side have anly lost 1 oot of 9 games so far this season and are odds on favorites to collect the 3 points on offer!

A stormy night iz in prospect so divvint take any chances and wrap up warm if yi divvint want to get frostbite, az yoo could shiver to death on the open terraces/grass bank!

"DIVVINT TAKE ANY CHANCES!"



Updated Tuesday

"Coooo!" The Toon resorves drew 1-1 with "Ne where near" Bolton U21s, with 'Spiderman' Gutierrez gettin' wor goal with a fine shot from outside the box in the 11th minute!

Bolton equalised just after the restart with a tap in through Odelusi and that's the way it ended ! "Coo Coooo!"

There were 332 'windswept diehards at the game <(Not 'yours truly' though, az aa had to gan to graft!
Match reprt by 'Secret Pigeon' <(we think?)  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Sunday 11 January 2015

THE CHELSKI OAPs 2 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 11th January 2015
DEFINING MOMENTS OF THE GAME (1):  GOUFFRAN HITS THE BAR!

1st half: "Sharp, Positive, Creative, Brilliant!" <(Match of the Day pundit Danny Murphy's verdict!)

This waz certainly a far more encouragin' performance than in the last few weeks and we were the better side durin' the forst half of this game and 'amazingly' the 5 players who were deemed 'injured' for the Lestaa debacle, were aall passed 'fit' for this game!???

Az orly az the forst minute Remy Cabella 'juggled' hiz way through the home defence, anly to see hiz shot gan just wide!
THE TOON ATTACK THE HARDING STAND (1st half)
(View from row 1 upper tier---Shed corner)

A Gouffran free kick waz then parried away by Cech in the Chelski goal and then Cabella again went close but hiz effort waz punched away by Cech!

'The Sissoko Kid' then had a shot which hit the corner of the upright and bar and we were well on top at this stage!

And then of course 'disaster struck', when, az Tim Krul waz lookin' in the opposite direction?, (see foto below!) Chelski took a quick corner and with him oot of position, Oscar had the simple task of side footin' the baall into the net to give the OAPs a 1-0 lead just before the break!
DEFINING MOMENTS OF THE GAME (2):
TIM KRUL LOOKS THE OTHAA WAY AZ CHELSKI TAKE A QUICK CORNER!?


2nd half: "And now for something completely different!" <(Monty Python's verdict!---perhaps?)

The 2nd half waz 'a different kettle of fish' and we hardly ventured into the Chelski half az we attacked 'The Shed', where the 2,200 Toon fans were huddled in the corner section!

The home side who started poundin' wor goal from the restart, got the breakthrough to seal the game when Diego Costa slid the baall into the corner of the net from inside the box!
CABELLA SENDS IN A RARE TOON CORNER @ THE SHED END

We did have a couple of attacks after this but it waz now a case of keepin' the score doon and the game ended in wor 5th away defeat in a row!---We are now just 8 points above the safety net!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Sissoko (Riviere 84), Anita, Colback, Cabella, Perez, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 63)

Attendance: 41,612 (2,200 Toon fans who paid a whoppin' £56 for the 'privilege' of a 'corner flag view'!)


The pre and post match 'gargels' took place here, in various parts of west London!
 ^ INSIDE THE WINDSOR! ^
THE GRENADIER
 

 

Friday 9 January 2015

THE CHELSKI OAPs v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Updated '8:44pm bells' Friday 9th January 2015

We heed for the delights of west 'Landan' tomorrow afternoon where we will attempt to de the double ower The OAPs from Stamford Bridge! <
 (Can pigs fly!?-yi'd better beleeeve it!) 
<<<<<
We have sold wor full allocation of 2,200 tickets @ £55 'a go' (+£1 bookin' fee!) and we can anly hope that we put up a better show than the shambles we had to witness @ Lestaa last week---or else we will be in serious trouble!

A 'miraculous recovery' iz expected from the 5 players who missed oot the FA Cup tie debacle @ Lestaa because of 'injuries'!---Chelski have a 100% record at home in the Premyaa Leegue this season!----The trains are 'wet' on the way doon and 'dry' (az per usual!) on the way back! 

Because we are oot of AALL competitions for fieldin' an understrengh 'X1' in the Lestaa game, the anly thing we have to play for, iz to finish in the top 10 and avoid gettin' dragged into a relegation battle! <(still a distinct possibility az we are anly 10 points off the drop zone!)

On the othaa hand we could gans on a winnin' streak and win the leegue az there are still 54 points to play for and a max of 81 iz possible!? <(Aye!---a'v had a few 'liquid lubrications' today!)

"NO!--NOT THAT 'BRIDGE OF SIGHS'!"
A full 'Geordie Times' match/boozer report will appear here on Sunday sometime! <(lets hope that it's a 'Fantasy Futbaall' story and not a 'Bridge of Sighs' story'!?)

THE SMOGGIES U18s v THE TOON U18s *** FA YOUTH CUP *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:07 pm bells' Thorsday 8th January 2015
 
"WELCOME TO TEESSIDE!"

For those of yoo who are at a 'loose end' tooneet, wor youth team are in action in 'Smog Monster Land' when we face 'The Smoggies' in the 4th roond of the FA Youth Cup @ The Riversnide Stadium in a '7 bells' kick off.

This iz NUFCs anly chance now of some 'silverware' ("Er!"-- apart from the resorves in the Northumberland Senior Cup!) and there shud be a canny crowd in this Tyne/Tees tussle!

Admission iz £3 for big kids and just a 'quid' for sprogs and zimmerframeites and whatever yi de---divvint forget your breathin' equipment! >>>>>>

Unfortunately 'yours truly' wont be there coz a'v got to gan to graft to orn some money to pay for mee Chelski away match ticket (£56) and train tickets (£70+!) on Saturday! <(plus booze money of course!)


Update Friday: THE SMOGGIES 2  THE TOON 3

A dramatic last minute winner from Sean Longstaff seeled a 3-2 victory in front of less than 1,000 @ The Riversnide Stadium last neet! <(Hardly a 'canny crowd'!)
In a 'ding dong' game we went aheed in the 5th minute through Jamie Cobain, anly for 'The Smoggie bairns' to equalise and then take the lead later on.
We levelled things 5 mins from full time with a Dan Barlaser  shot, before Longstaff won the day in the 90th minute to avoid extra time and the dreaded penalty shoot out!

Attendance: 939 (includin' some of the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!)

PS: We have been drawn away to eetha 'the mackems' or Ipswich Toon in the 5th roond!

Wednesday 7 January 2015

"SHEAR MADNESS SAYS ALAN!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 7th January 2015

Toon record goal scorin' legend Alan Shearer sez it aall!----
ne need for 'The Geordie Times' to add anything!
'The Fat Controller' shud hang hiz head in shame! 
 

Monday 5 January 2015

"88 HOURS AND 55 MINUTES!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 5th January 2015

At preciseleee '4:55 pm bells' on Saturday the ref blew for full time which condemned us to yet anothaa 'trophy free' season and we believe that this must be the orliest ever to have nothin' to play for!
(88 hours and 55 minutes from the start of the new year!)

Not anly that! but we now have lost three successive FA Cup ties for the forst time in wor lang history, which stretches back to 1887 when we played wor forst tie, when we were known az Newcastle East End----some 127 years ago!

"It doesn't get any worse than this, folks!"

Sunday 4 January 2015

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE X1 1 THE TOON X1 0 *** FA CUP 3rd ROOND

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 4th January 2015
COLOCCINI SOUNDS THE BATTLE-CRY IN SATURDAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!
HE DIDN'T EVEN PLAY!???

"THE ABYSMALALITY OF IT AALL!"  

The thord of January!---Anothaa year!---anothaa FA Cup exit before February!---yet more blank weekends to fill in!--it just gans on! and on! and on! and on!

Despite promises to the 4,400 travellin' fans that we would put wor strongest possible team oot, 'Pieman' Carver left oot: Moussa Sissoko, Jack Colback, 'Fab' Coloccini, Daryl Janmaat AND Ayoze Perez from the startin' line up! <(Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times'---see article below!)

Basement club Lestaa aalso had a very weakened team and left 7 forst team players oot and predictably the game waz one of the worst we've ever witnessed!

The match officials were ne better and we had a porfectlee good goal scored by Remy Cabella ruled offside by a linesman, when telly replays later on clearly showed that he waz ON SIDE!

The anly goal that counted waz scored by the home side in the 40th minute when a heeder from Ulloa hit the underside of the bar and rebounded off the goal line and into the roof of the net!
THE TOON MAKE A RARE ATTACK DURIN' THE 2nd HALF

Basically that waz it! az both teams struggled badly in one of the most borin' games imaginable!

The Toon fans were in a 'no forgivin' mood' az they got 'stuck into 'The Fat Controller', with the usual:
"Get out of our club, yoo fat Cockney bustard!" song! <(don't think he would have been able to hear it in Barbados, mind!?) 

And "Whey aye the pie" Carver didn't escape eethaa with chants of: "Carver iz a 'Yes Man'!" in response to hiz unforgivable team selection <(we don't want any saleable player's 'Cup-tied' in the January transfor window!---do we, John/Mike/Lee!?)

But perhaps the most ominous chant waz: 
"We're sh*t and we're sick of it!"---which just aboot sums up the abysmalality <(if there iz such a word!) of it aall!

And!---The situation which just aboot summed up how much we wanted to be in the 4th roond draw, happened halfway through the 2nd half when Williamson hit a free kick near the halfway line BACK TO ALNWICK IN WOR GOAL!????? <(We were 'gobsmacked'!) <(The fans then snapped and vented their fury!)

News then filtered through that both Gatesheed (0-7!) and Blyth (2-3) had lost their cup ties az well!---A 'black day' indeed for Tyneside and beyond!

Ne domestic trophies now for SIXTY YEARS!---and coontin'!

Toon X1!: Alnwick, Santon (Satka 59), Williamson, Dummett, Haidera, Anita, Tiote, Vuckic (Roberts 79), Cabella, Armstrong, Riviere

Attendance: 23,212 (4,400 thoroughly p*ssed off Toon fans!) *

The pre and post match gargels took place here!
BAR NEXT TO SHEFFIELD STATION  (We had to change trains here!)  

THE REGENT CLUB, LEICESTER

Friday 2 January 2015

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE v THE TOON *** FA CUP THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '7:15am bells' Saturday 3rd January 2015

It's that time of the year again folks when we enter the FA Cup at the 3rd roond stage!---We heed for the delights of 'Lestaa' this mornin' where wor resorves will be takin' on their resorves/juniors!

It's nigh on certain that wor opponents, who are fightin' for their Premyaa Leegue lives, wont risk any injuries to key players and will play a very weakened team.
NUFC ne doubt will aalso play a weakened team, <(like we normally de in the FA Cup!) so it's anybodys guess if we will be in the 4th roond draw come next Monday?

PS: Can we just wish the othaa north east's 'Big Two' 'aall the best' in the FA Cup today. We meeen of course 'The Heedbangers of Gatesheed' and 'The Spartans of Blyth' who take on West Brom and Bormingham, retrospectively <(we naa aall the big words!) 

A full 'Geordie Times' match/boozer report will appear here sometime ower the weekend!

THE TOON 3 BORNLEEE 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:52am bells' Friday 2nd January 2015
THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (1st half)

With new caretaker manager 'Pieman' Carver in charge for the forst time, we 'shot worsels in the foot' a total of THREE times in this match!

Bornleee hit the woodwork orly on and this waz a wake up call az we looked half asleep at the back!

We took the lead in the 15th minute when Steve Taylor 'glanced in' Jack Coback's corner <(a rare event indeed for us to score from a corner!)

It anly lasted fower minutes though when we 'shot worsels in the foot' for the 1st time when an attempted back pass by Paul Dummett looped ower Jak Alwick's heed in The Toon goal to put the visitors level! <(bet he felt like a real 'dummy'!)
VIEW OF THE EAST STAND FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY

Wor lead waz restored just 7 minutes later when Jack Colback fired in a 25 yard screamer off the post @ The Leazes End!
(half time 2-1 up!)

We 'got oot of jail' just 3 minutes after the re-start when Bonleee hit the underside of the bar and post in quick secession, but thankfully 'lady luck' waz on wor side and the baall rebounded oot!

They hit the post again not lang after (for the 4th time!) but they finally got their reward with a 2nd equaliser at the mid-point of the half,  when Ings glanced an effort off the post and this time it went in!

We retook the lead yet again 12 mins from time when Perez raced doon the pitch and foond Armstrong who in torn foond Sissoko and he fired past Heaton in the visitors goal @ The Gallowgate End to put us 3-2 up!
ACTION @ THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Bornleee wornt givin' up though and with just 4 mins to gan we 'shot worsels in the foot' for the 3rd time when after a midfield mix up, Boyd hit a low shot that Jak Alwink shud have saved, but the baall went under hiz body and into the net to make the final score 'three's a piece'!

We lie in 10th place, 10 points above the drop zone and the anly person who iz happy aboot wor mid-table mediocrity iz 'The Fat Controller'! *** "Happy new year!?"

Toon team: Alnwick, Janmaat, Steve Taylor (Williamson 60)Coloccini, Dummett, Colback, Tiote, Sissoko, Perez, Gouffran (Haidera 71), Riviere (Armstrong 57)

Attendance: 51,761 (3,000 Bornleee fans) *(Highest crowd in Britain!)    

  

Thursday 1 January 2015

THE TOON v BORNLEEE *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:05am bells' New Years Day 2015

Forst of aall we wish yoo aall "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and hope that it's much better than the last one we had!
We have a new man in charge today following the departure of P45DEW to Palace.
John "whey aye the pie!" Carver <(hiz new name---see article below!) and hiz 'sidekick' Steve Stone take their places on the touchline today and we wish them well against a Bornleee side that iz 'on a high' at the moment followin' their dramatic comeback @ Man City on Sunday, when they came from 2 goals doon to draw with the champions of Inglind!

We havvent played them @ St James' for 'many a year' and so not suprizingleee they have sold their full allocation of 3,000 tickets in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes' and will ne doubt be in good voice this afternoon @ '3 bells'!

The fact though that we have to gan through yet anothaa period withoot a permanent manager to replace "yee naa who", iz the latest farcical situation which we find worsels in, for the 'Yes Man' Crawlers Job!?

History lesson: We last played them @ SJP just ower 32 years ago, on 6th November 1982, when we won 3-0 with wor goals comin' from 'Special K' Keegan, Imre Varadi and Chris Waddle.
Just 20,961 were present that day includin' 'The Geordie Times' of course!
Wor forst ever meetin' with Bornleee at 'wor -place' took place 120 years ago on 2nd February 1895 in an FA Cup tie which we won 2-0 in front of an 8,000 crowd, with Tom Rendell gettin' both wor goals! <(wonder if he's still alive!?) 

Match report and pix to follow much later az per usual!

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