Monday 30 September 2013

THE TOFFEE NOSES v THE TOON ***TOONEET!

Updated '1:25pm bells' Monday 30th September 2013
Action from wor game @ Goodison Park last season 
We drew 2-2

We're off to 'Mickeymouseland' toneet for wor game against 'The Toffee Noses' @ Goodison Park!
Everton remain the anly unbeaten team in the Premyaa Leegue this season and so wor 'task' looks a 'forlorn one' on paper!
The home side remain unbeaten this year at home and havvent conceded a goal for 636 minutes!

A full strength Toon team iz expected to play with several who missed wor 2-0 League Cup win ower Leeds last Wednesday due to retorn to the fray!
Last season we drew 2-2 with Demba Ba gettin' both wor goals and we will be very happy if that scoreline iz repeated toneet by '10 bells' ('8 bells' kick off---live on SKY)

We leave @ '2 bells' for the trip across the Pennines and shud be there in time for a good 'gargel' in 'The Clock', which iz a 'sleazy dive bar' just doon the road from Goodison!

A compreehensive 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' sometime on Tuesday mornin'!---watch this space!

Sunday 29 September 2013

"THERE'S ANLY TWO BOBBY MONCUR'S!"

Posted '9:36am bells' Sunday 29th September 2013

"NO!---NOT THAT! BOBBY MONCUR!"

With wor forst blank weekend for a while, aa took in Dunston's home game against Bishop Auckland @ Federation Park.

The score waz 1-1 after 90 minutes and then deep into stoppage time 'The Bishops' got the winner through a certain Robert Moncur who had aalso scored their forst goal!
We have to report that durin' the wild celebrations that followed @ 'The (now demolished) Dunston Rocket End', aa half expected him to produce the Fairs Cup from under hiz shirt and run around the pitch with it on a lap of honour!

Wishful thinkin' on my part!

Attendance: 229

Thursday 26 September 2013

SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST!

Posted '2:06pm bells' Thorsday 26th September 2013


"DON'T FORGET! ---IT'S MY TRAINSET AND I'll DO WHAT I LIKE!"

The latest ramblings comin' from 'The Fat Controller' and hiz gang make grim readin' for the loyal fans!
A club statement says that both the Leegue Cup and FA Cup's are NOT a priority and that a 'top ten' finish iz the desired objective!
Wor European adventure last season aalso contributed to wor lowly leegue position!

In othaa words!---we don't really want to qualify for Europe and must make sure we don't finish in the top six eethaa! <(ne problem there--me finx, with wor paper thin squad!)

The board aalso said that the financial rewards for stayin' in the Premiership are so great, that nothin' else matters!

In othaa words!---we shud gan oot of the cups at the orliest opportunity and focus on wor leegue survival instead!
Ne domestic trophies for nearly SIXTY YEARS and coontin'!

On the cup draw which pairs us with a home tie against 'The Blue Moonies', (who we lost to 4-0 on the openin' day of the season) wor beleaguered 'puppet on a string' manager said: (and I quote!) "I was a 'little'(?) disappointed after we played Man City as so much as their result did not reflect what I felt that that night in terms of how good they were!"

In othaa words!---we may az well put up the white flag of surrender now and give them the tie!---after aall!--- survival in the Premyaa Leegue iz aall that matters! <(now where have aa hord that before!???)

THE TOON 2 THE YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS 0

Posted '10:18am bells' Thorsday 26th September 2013


A Demba Cisse heeder in the forst half and a magnificent Yohan Gouffran strike in the second sealed 'The Yorkshire Puddings' fate @ a noisy St James' Park last neet!

We started off with mixture of forst team and resorve team outfield players, with Tim Krul in goal instead of the expected resorve keeper Rob Elliot!

A massive dibble presence doon the Bigg Market and around the station area beforehand in anticipation of trouble from Leeds fans didn't materialise, but on the way to the match many of them were 'p*ssed oot of their brains' az they made their way to 'level 7 of The Leazes End'

A total of 6,000 of them had made the trip north past Scotch Corner and they gave their side fantastic support from start to finish with, (in the 11th minute) a 15 minute tribute to their (and our) former number 11 Gary Speed, who had helped them win the old Forst Division back in 1992 (their tribute to him waz warmly applauded by the Toon faithful!)

SOME OF THE LEEDS FANS (top level of stand)

Really there waz anly one team in it az the Championship side were ne match for us, even with a weakened Toon team!

Cisse opened the scorin' on the half hour mark @ The Leazes End when he heeded in from a Sammy Ameobi cross to score hiz forst goal in ower a 1,000 minutes for us!

The second goal came in the 67th minute when again, Sammy Ameobi waz involved, when hiz pinpoint pass foond Gouffran just inside the box @ The Gallowgate End and with hiz back to goal he torned and fired in an unstoppable shot, which flew into the top corner of the Leeds goal to seal wor place in the last 16 of the competition!

After the match we heeded for The Newcastle Arms where we hord that we had drew 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' at home in the next roond!---"bring 'em on!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Gouffran (Vuckic 84), Anita (Gosling 80), Tiote, Marveaux, Sammy Ameobi, Cisse (Obertan 71)

Attendance: 36,220 <(looked more than that? --like?) (6,000 noisy tykes!)

Wednesday 25 September 2013

THE TOON v THE WHITE ROSIES! ***TOONEET @ '7:45 BELLS'!

Posted '2:51pm bells' Wednesday 25th September 2013


News that resorve strikers Sammy Ameobi and Paul Dummett will lead the line in toneets Leegue Cup tie  @ St James' conforms the seriousness that we are takin' this competition!

A crowd exceedin' 30,000 iz expected, which will include up to 6,000 of the notorious 'White Rosies' <(The Yorkshire coonty emblem) who will ne doubt be tryin' to run rampage through wor city centre!

However! @ 'high noon bells' aall waz quiet on the 'Westgate Road' with not one Leeds fan spotted anywhere!
Extra time and penalties will take place shud the game end in a stalemate!

'I Beg Your Pardew' says he would like a Wembley trip for some silverware, but if we play wor '2nd string' toneet then yoo may az well forget it mate!

A full match report will of course appear here in due course!
 

Tuesday 24 September 2013

"OH NO!"***"HERE WE GAN AGAIN!" ***58 YEARS AND COONTIN'!

Posted '12:30pm bells' Tuesday 24th September 2013
THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!

Anothaa year comes roond and yet again we here wor players 'spoutin' off' that we will "Win a cup!", which invariably puts 'the kiss of death' on it!

The Leegue Cup iz the one in question at the moment az we play Championship side Leeds @ St James' tomorrow neet in the 3rd roond of the competition!
It aall depends of course which side we put oot--be it a 'resorve X1', like against Morecambe in the last roond (when we just scraped through!) or a 'forst team X1', like the one who lost against Hull on Saturday! (when we hoyed it away!)

Bearin' in mind that we havvent won any domestic cups since 1955! the omens divvint look good!
Leeds will bring around 6,000 fans who will be housed in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes End' and there iz ne doubt that THEY fill field a full strength team!

Any news of just wot side 'I Beg Your Pardew' will pick iz open to debate az we havvent got a Leegue game til next Monday when we travel to Morseyside to face 'The Toffee Noses' @ Goodison Park!

Any developments and we will let yiz naa!---watch this space!

Sunday 22 September 2013

THE TOON 2 BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 3

Updated '11:20am bells' Sunday 22nd September 2013

"BROKEN LIFTS, BROKEN NOSES, BROKEN PROMISES!"

The day started off badly, when after a few 'gargels' in 'The Monkey Bar' aa heeded for the match orly to get the lift up to level 7 of 'The Milburn Stand' az mee sprained ankle waz givin' iz 'jip' and aa didn't fancy the 200 stair climb to mee seat!
After waitin' 20 minutes in the queue aa finally got into the 'said' lift with 10 othaaz, anly for the thing to drop slightly instead of gannin' up and aall the power then failed!
We managed to prize the door open to get oot and the lift attendant telt us that he would have to send for an engineer to fix it!
"How lang will that be?" aa asked him!  "Don't know!" came the reply! and so it 'came to pass' that with just 10 minutes to kick off aa waz forced to climb the stairs and when aa (eventually!) got to the top mee ankle had swollen up like a balloon!---but aa did make the kick off! (unfortunately!) <(read on!)

The Toon started off well and Loic Remy opened the scorin' for us at The Gallowgate End with a fine heeded goal!

But then we took the foot off the gas and let Hull back in and they equalised through Brady,who put the baall straight through Tim Krul's legs!

We regained the lead just before the break when once again Remy scored, with a fine shot this time!

Then after the break it aall went 't*tts up' when it took 'Broken Nose Bruce's men' just two minutes to score when a heeder went in off the post from Elmohamdy after slack defendin' from us!
Worse waz to follow when again Aluko vollied home in the 76th minute off the same post to put the game beyond us, much to the delight of old 'Broken Nose'!

We did have a final chance to level things at 'the death', but Remy (of aall people!) missed the easiest of chances to level the match.
Inactivity in the summer transfor window, despite promises to sign at least THREE players, ultimately 'cost us' and a lang hard season iz still in the offin', despite that fine win at Villa last week---and just like the Toon lift (and mee poor ankle!)---we are up one minute and doon the next!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy (Tiote 86), Santon, Coloccini, Yanga, Cabaye (Gouffran 62), Sissoko, Anita, Cisse (Marveaux 73), Ben Arfa. Remy

Attendance: 51,523 (2,800 Tiger Lillys!) (highest crowd in Britain on the day!)


EIGHTY THOOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!

Posted '9:27am bells' Sunday 22nd September 2013

Two days ago 'The Geordie Times' reached anothaa milestone <(or shud that be 'millstone'?) when we had wor 80,000th hit in total.

The USA is approachin' 13,000 hits and The Ukraine's total iz ower 4,000!
(mee old!) China haz just past the 2,000 mark and Rushaa, Jawmany and The Guinness Republic aall have 1,000 plus pageviews!

In total 142 countries and territories (plus Mars of course!) have now viewed this 'nonsense-no nonsense' website and we once again thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' in!

Cheers! 'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!) <(304 & coontin')

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

Friday 20 September 2013

THE TOON v BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS ****TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 20th September 2013
ST JAMES' PARK ***THE MILBURN STAND
(Photo from Stevie Harper's testimonial last week)

Tomorrow afternoon 'Broken Nose Bruce' will bring hiz 'Tiger Lillys' to St James' Park in yet anothaa '3 bells' Saturday kick off <(wot the hell iz gannin on---like?)
The former 'mackem miystro' of course oversaw 'The 2010 Demolition Derby' defeat when the SMBs were slaughtered 5-1 @ St James' and we can anly hope that he haz a similar result tomorrow!

The game sees the retorn of former goalie Stevie Harper, but it iz doubtful wethaa he will play in goal az he iz carryin' an injury at the mo!
The Toon team looks likely to be the one that won at Villa last week and anothaa performance like that would surly see off 'The Tiger Lillys' for wor 3rd consecutive victory of the season!? <(we can only dream!)

More to follow on aaall this later, and a full match report will appear here az per usual on Sunday mornin'!    

Thursday 19 September 2013

THE TOON v BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS ***SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Updated '2:25pm bells' Thorsday 19th September 2013
HULL FANS AT LAST WEEKS GAME AGAINST CARDIFF 'RED WINGS'!

We now torn wor attention to Saturday's game against The Tigers of Hull and their fans are up in arms aboot their new owners decision to change their name from Hull City AFC to Hull Tigers for marketin' purposes!
This iz a very very worryin' situation, az once one club gans doon this road, then, like 'copycats', more are sure to follow!

To try and 'Americanise' futbaall in this way iz anothaa erosion of the 150 year history of wor traditions of havin' clubs with simple names like 'City', 'Town', 'County' and of course 'United' bein' banished to the dustbin, if we are not careful!

They of course have aalready done this in Rugby League with Bradford Northern becomin' Bradford Bulls, Wakefield Trinity becomin' Wakefield Wildcats and Leeds RLFC becomin' the ridiculously named Leeds Rhinos! <(when did yoo ever see a rhino runnin' through the streets of Leeds!?)

"It's MY trainset' and I'll do what I like!" Owners, who have absolutlee ne interest in the clubs history, (or wot the fans think!)are hell bent on changin' club colours (Cardiff), groond names (yee naa who!) and now this!!! <(wot next we ask worsels???)

Think aboot it!---'The Toon Army Magpies', 'The Boro Smog Monsters', 'The Hartlepool Monkey Hangers' and 'The Sund'lind SMB's, could be comin to a toon near yoo in the not tooo distant future!

Divvint bet against it!  

Wednesday 18 September 2013

"HERE!, KITTY!,KITTY!"*** "JANUARY WINDOW! HERE WE COME!"

Posted '1:08pm bells' Wednesday 18th September 2013

Forst of aall, profooond apologies (once again!) for not updatin' 'The Geordie Times' on a more regular bases like aa used to!
This iz because I am 'stowed off' with graft at the minute and currently have a 'truck run' to Halesowen near Bormingham every weekday (apart from when it clashes with NUFC games!) which iz a 444 mile roond trip from Tyneside every neet!
I simply havvent got time to de az much az wot I used to and I hope yoo understand just why it isn't updated daily!

Anyway!---enough of that!---wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' iz in 'The Ronny Gill' today tellin' us aboot hiz transfor targets for JANUARY! and that hiz scoutin' network iz once again scourin' England and Europe for 'marquee signins' with a huge transfor kitty that will be made available! (Wor 'Director of Fools' Joek iz reputedly @ 'The Post Office Tower' in central London az we speak, chasin' up a massive deal!) (SEE BELOW!)
"HERE KITTY!, KITTY!"*** "HIC!"

Monday 16 September 2013

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 1 THE TOON 2

Updated '1:38pm bells' Monday 16th September 2013

"UP!" The Premyaa Leegue we go!"

"EF OFF!***IT'S, MY SEAT, WILBER!"

With ne sleep from mee previous neetshift 'truck run' to the Birmingham area, aa boarded the train @ 'The Central' for the '7:30 am bells' service to er! Birmingham!, completlee shattered!
Aall waz well az the fower of us sat at wor table seat in coach 'F'--- until!---we arrived in York station, where a bespecled rotund American got on with hiz similarly shaped wife and shattered wor piece!
"These are MY seats!", he said angrily in a deep Yankee accent az 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' and 'The Caped Crusader' vacated the 'said' seats, az they wernt theirs anyway!

He then glared at me through hiz 'John Lennon' style specs and raisin' hiz arms and hands in an upward motion, said, "UP!" in a very loud 'Sargent major style voice', makin' sure that everybody in the packed carriage could hear him!

Az I waz actually in my REET SEAT and not wantin' to cause a diplomatic incident and spoil wor 'special relationship' with wor friends across 'the pond', I decided to reply to hiz 'orders' in a cool, calm and collective manner!

"YOO CAN F**K OFF!"---THIS IZ MY SEAT, '40 A'!", I said az I produced my seat ticket from my pocket!
Hiz wife then torned to him and said, "Just sit down, we don't want to start an argument, Wilber!" < (That's reet!---WILBER! <(He f**kin' deserves it!)

Anyway!--he 'clammed up' after this, but still had the cheek to pick up one of wor papers and read it withoot askin' forst!? <(I decided NOT to start 'World War 3'!)

We got off at 'New Street' (Birmingham) and wished him well on hiz forward jorney to Portsmouth where he waz gannin! and my partin' shot waz to tell Wilber that Portsmouth waz "A Dump!"

Wor forst (and anly!) 'liquid refreshment stop' on alightin' from the train waz a real ale boozer up the hill called 'The Wellington' and we stopped there until it waz time to gan to the match!

On arrival at the groond aa made 'double sure' that aa waz sittin' in the reet seat before plonkin' meesel doon! <(Wilber where are yoo?)
Before lang the teams ran oot and not one Toon player waz of English descent az the game kicked off.
However it didn't take the 'non-Englishmen' very lang to open the scorin', when new boy Loic Remy ran doon the left and crossed to Cisse, who in torn knocked it to Ben Arfa and he had the simple task of wellyin' the baall into the Hazbeenz net!


Cabaye, Remy and Cisse aall went close after this with a Cisse penalty appeal torned doon az well!-- when it surely waz one!? <(gan to 'spec savers' ref!)
We shud have been three up at the break at least, against a very poor home side!

However---Villa came oot in the 2nd half determined to get an equaliser, which they did when Benteke heeded home after Tim Krul in the Toon goal failed to connect with the baall!

A few minutes later Ben Arfa ran doon the right and crossed with Guzan in the Villa goal punchin' oot to Gouffran who from 12 yards oot, slammed the baall into the net to joyous scenes in the visitors enclosure!

"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
This waz the winnin' goal and we celebrated wildly by gannin back to The Wellington for several more 'liquid lubrications'!
It shud be noted that both 'Alex of St George' and 'Dave from York' (who waz celebratin' hiz 70th birthday) BOTH drank Hereford real ale in the 'Welly'!---a disgraceful state of affairs if yoo ask me and both of them shud 'hang their heads in shame'!
(For the record, aa waz drinkin' a cider caalled 'Hazy Daisy' (it sends yoo crazy!!!!)

3 valuable points!---we were now 8th after the othaa results came in and the SMB's were bottom!---lang may it continue!
Aaltogether now! "EE-I-EE-I-EE-I-O"--- "UP!" the Premyaa Leegue we go!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Yanga, Santon, Anita (Tiote 74), Cabaye (*Sammy Ameobi 88), Ben Arfa, Sissoko, Remy (Gouffran 63), Cisse   (*oot of the 14 players used anly sub Sammy waz English!)

Attendance: 37,554 (2,800 happy Toon fans!)

Special thanx to 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' for match pix and headline!

THE FRONT OF THE VISITORS SECTION AT VILLA PARK!
(NE EXPLANATION NEEDED!)



Friday 13 September 2013

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '3:00pm bells' Friday 13th September 2013

Forst of aall***apologeeez for not updatin' this site on a more regular basis, but the reason iz that a'v been stowed off with work and have had very little time to de anythin'!

Believe it or not, I will be drivin' past Villa's groond on the M6 at '11 bells' toneet on my way back from Halesowen (south of Birmingham) where I am pickin' up a truckload of carpets and floorin' for a company on the Team Valley in Gatesheed!

I will finish at approx. '4 bells' in the mornin' and will then have to dash yem, get changed and heed for 'the Central' where I am catchin' the train BACK to Birmingham at '7:30 am bells' for wor match at Villa Park tomorrow afternoon! <(it's a mad mad mad mad world!)

A'v got to gan doon to Halesowen in a few minutes, but yoo can rest assured that there will be a full match report on the game sometime on Sunday after I (eventually!) get a bit kip!

Cheers!
Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Thursday 12 September 2013

THE ENTERTAINERS 0 THE INVINCIBLES 0 (INVINCIBLES WIN 2-1 ON PENS) ****STEVIE HARPER TESTIMONIAL

Posted '11:00am bells' Thorsday 12th September 2013

VIEW FROM EAST STAND/LEAZES END CORNER




An unbelievable crowd of 50,793 torned oot for former resorve goalie Stevie Harper's testimonial @ St James' Park last neet!
Considerin' that he played less than 200 games for us in 20 years, it waz a remarkable tornoot!

Former greats like Tino Asprilla, David Ginola, Alan Shearer and Les Ferdinand were in wor team (The Entertainers) but sadly neetha side could muster a goal for the near capacity crowd!

A certain Di Canio played for AC Milan (The Invincibles) and waz booed loudly every time he touched the baall!
The loudest cheer of the neet came when Joey Barton made a crunchin' tackle on the mackem manager and he waz non too pleased aboot it aa can tell yoo!

Paulo had the last laugh though when he scored one of Milans penalties in the shootout to help then win the game! (2-1)

Aall the money raised went to charity with Harper gettin' a standin' ovation at the end of the match!
Well done Stevie!***yoo deserved it!

Wednesday 11 September 2013

"SSHHH!!! ***WE TOLD YOU SO!"

Posted '2:30pm bells' Wednesday 11th September 2013

"THE SOS WELCOMIN' PARTY!"***"COMIN' SOON!"

Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times' wor game scheduled for a '4 bells' kick off against the SMB's @ The Stadium of Sshhh!!! <(Yee Naa Wot!)  haz been moved on the orders of 'The Dibble' to a '1:30 bells' start on Sunday 27th October!

Wor game against 'The Swan Lakers' in sooth Wales on Tuesday 3rd December haz now been moved back a day to Wednesday the 4th! <(just to make it a bit eeezier for us!?)

STEVIE HARPER TESTIMONIAL **TONEET!** 'THE ENTERTAINERS! v THE INVINCIBLES!

Updated '1:20pm bells' Wednesday 11th September 2013
"FAREWELL!"***STEVE'S FINAL GAME FOR THE TOON

We must now torn wor attention away from the NUFC Madhoose (for a few days at least!) and concentrate on Stevie Harper's testimonial toneet @ St James' against AC Milan 'Glorie'! (The Invincibles!)   Aall the money gans to charity!

Many 'old crocks' will feature in this game for us with ne current players on show in a 'Select NUFC ENTERTAINERS X1'!
Ex Toon players who will be takin' part at some point include***(deep breath!)*** (in Geordiebetical order!): Tino Asprilla, Peter Beardsley, Joey Barton, John Beresford, Lee Bowyer, Olivier Bernard, Nicky Butt, Lee Clark, Andy Cole, Nicos Dabizas, Kieron Dyer, Les Ferdinand, Ruel Fox, Kieth Gillespie, David Ginola, Shay Given, STEVIE HARPER, Brian Kilcline, Paul Kitson, Rob Lee, Liam O'Brien, Darren Peacock, Alessandra Pist-one!, Scott Sellars, Alan Shearer, Nobby Solano, Pavel Srnicek, Alan Thompson, Steve Watson and finally coach Steve Stone!

Milan will aalso field a team full of 'old crocks' ***(too many to mention!) but they do include Baresi, Maldini and 'one' Paulo Di Canio!

We understand that ower 48,000 tickets have now been sold so far and by kick off time @ '7 bells', it looks sure to be a 52,000 selloot! <(amazin!)   

Monday 9 September 2013

"FROM RUSHAA WITH LOVE!" ***"ONE THOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!"

Posted '10:00am bells' Monday 9th September 2013

ANZI v THE TOON LAST MARCH @
LUZHNIKI STADIUM, MOSCOW, RUSHAA!
("Get the thormalz oot!")

Rushaa iz the latest country to join 'The Geordie Times' '1,000 Club' when they passed that total a few days ago!
The top ten countries and territories around the world (and beyond!) who have viewed this blog are az follows:

1 UK***40,894
2 USA***12,432
3 Ukraine***4,066
4 "Mee old" China***1,961
5 Jawmany***1,639
6 The Guinness Republic***1,046
7 RUSHAA***1,017
8 Spain***823
9 Greece***688
10 France***557

142 different countries, territories and planets! have now viewed this site, with the latest bein' Fiji, Mongolia and Palestine!
Overseas hits now total 38,306!***which iz just 2,588 less than the UK total! (England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales!)   
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

Sunday 8 September 2013

SCROOGE MENTALITY!

Updated '1:25pm bells' Sunday 8th September 2013

Below iz the list of wot the Premyaa Leegue clubs have spent durin' the summer transfor window***Ne prizes for guessin' who waz the anly team to spent NiXXXy!

1 Sporz***£107.6 million
2 The Blue Moonies***£94.9 million
3 Chelski***£65.5 million
4 The Liverbirds***£48.3 million
5 The Arse***£42.5 million
6 Soothampton***£36 million
7 The Taffy Noses***32.6 million
8 The Cockney Reds***£28.5 million
9 The Jellied Eels Mob***£21.5 million
10 The Swan Lakers***£20.9 million
11 The Canary Custards***20.6 million
12 The Toffee Noses***20 million
13 The Hazbeens & Villians***19.3 million
14 SMB's***19.1 million
15 The Crystal Baalls***15.3 million
16 Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys***12.1 million
17 The Baggie Troosers***12 million
18 The P*ss Potts***7 million
19 The Wacko Jacko Jivers***6.3 million
20 THE TOON*** 0 PENCE!

Friday 6 September 2013

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!, ALAN!"

Updated '2:37pm bells' Friday 6th September 2013
"DID I HONESTLY SAY THAT!?"

Club spokesman 'I Beg Your Pardew' <(whey! who else speaks for them apart from "I'll tell you a story***'JoeKanory"?) haz been comin' oot with some unbeleeevible stuff ower the last couple of days!

Let us remind yoo wot 'The Fat Controller's' 'puppet on a string' said after the last season fiasco, when we nearly got relegated!

May 2013: "We are very (very!) lucky to have the support that we've got!
We still need to make sure that we bring in two or three new recruits which will take us forward! 
We genuinely, genuinely, need a couple in the first team that compliments the others!"

And then two days ago he sez this!: "Joe(K) has been working very hard on numerous targets <(vodka,whisky,gin, etc!)  but they were beyond our financial means! <(ie: ne free transfors!)
"We did the majority of our business in the January window, signing five excellent players!" 
"With the strong squad we have we should all approach the new season in a positive, optimistic frame of mind!" <(we nearly got relegated!) (did we reeely lose 6-0 at home to Liverpool?)

Pinocchio hazzent got a look in with him and 'JoeK'!

Tuesday 3 September 2013

"JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!"

Posted '1:10pm bells' Tuesday 3rd September 2013

"FANTASY FUTBAALL!"

So the transfor window haz come and gone with ne new permanent signins on board and wor Irish born adopted 'Cockney Clown' 'Joe Kanory' haz made up some fantastic, fantasy and 'make believe' stories aboot this, in a new book to be published soon!

Claims that he would sign quality players of Champions League standard and that he had many (many!) contacts in the game with top managers like Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho, (who he speaks to on a daily basis!), and that he can pick the phone up and caall ANY other managers in the world aboot transfor targets, are just some of the brilliant stories he haz written for us ower the last two and a half months in hiz role az a 'Director of Fools' at NUFC!
Yi couldn't make it up!
"JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!" 

Monday 2 September 2013

"THE CLOCKS A TICKIN' JoeK'!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 2nd September 2013

'JoeKanory' haz less than SEVEN HOURS to make a permanent signing for us in the transfor window, after TWO and a HALF MONTHS in the job? of 'Director of Fools'!

A reminder to wot he said when he got the job on June 16th:

"I will sign players of CHAMPIONS LEAGUE quality and I have many irons in the fire and am in daily contact with many top managers!"

Geordie Times reply: "Whey! JoeK--Yi have less than half a day to make az many quality signins az yi like!---we shall see by '11 bells' toneet!"

Conclusion?: see photo at top of page!

Sunday 1 September 2013

THE TOON 1 THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS 0

Posted '11:45am bells' Sunday 1st September 2013

A crucial game so orly in the season and one we had to win or else we would be stuck in 'the abyss' took place against a Fulham side who were actually worse than us!

It waz obvious from the start that Guss's side were here for a goal-less draw az they put 11 men behind the baall aalmost from the kick off!

That's the way it stayed til half time az most of the crowd sat dozin' in their seats!

The failure of  *'The Cockney Clown' 'JoeKanory' to sign any players in the two and a half months he haz been here waz clear to see az we were unable to break doon 'The Wackos' defence!
*(We naa that he's Irish, but he IZ an 'adopted Cockney' az he haz lived there most of hiz life!) <(and still does!)

The 2nd half wasn't much better and not until the introduction of Yohan Cabaye (to quite a few boos!) and loan signin' Loic Remy (at last!) did we look capable of scorin'!

Cisse then hit the bar with a free heeder which woke the crowd from their slumbers and Remy caused chaos in the visitors defence az the clock ticked doon!

And then at last after aalmost FIVE MONTHS of waitin', in the last throws of the game, up stepped Ben Arfa to slam an unstoppable shot from outside the box after a fine dribble, to leave Stockdale in The Wackos goal stranded az the baall flew past him into the net at The Gallowgate End!

A massive roar then enveloped St James' az the players celebrated wildly, az did the fans!

Three valuable points were in the bag and justice had been done against the negative visitors who will ne doubt be in the mire by the end of the season! (Lets hope that WE are NOT!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Yanga, Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Sissoko, Anita (Cabaye 65), Marveaux (Remy 74), Shola Ameobi (Gouffran 65), Cisse 

Attendance:46,402 (just 500 Wacko Jackos!)

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