Saturday, 31 August 2013

THE TOON v THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS of FULHAM ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '11:25am bells' Saturday 31st August 2013
ACTION FROM WOR GAME AGAINST 'THE WACKOS' IN APRIL

We must now torn wor attention away from The Leegue Cup and back to The Premyaa Leegue where we play the men from Craven Cottage, (home to the Michael Jackson statue!) @ St James' Park for the THORD '3 bells' Saturday home game in a row! (Wor resorves played Wolves here two weeks ago and of course we played West Ham last week!)

We are lookin' for wor forst home goal for nearly FIVE MONTHS (April 7th!) when, coincidently <(we naa the 'massive' words az well!) we beat Fulham 1-0 with a 94th minute last gasp goal from Demba Cisse @ The Gallowgate End <(where wild celebrations followed!)

It looks likely that Cabaye(bye!) will be in the squad after hiz disgraceful refusal to play against Man City and West Ham, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him which waz torned doon! But many fans are unhappy aboot this (inc me!) and think he shud be shown the door for hiz complete un-loyalty to us!

Anyway!--the fact that we havvent scored at home for so lang, tells it's own sorry story aboot wor plight and the inactivity in the transfor market, despite repeated promises from 'JoeKanory' that we will sign a striker of CHAMPIONS LEEGUE QUALITY??? <(yi havin' a JoeK!)
With just THREE days left before the window closes, it iz an  unbelievable situation that we find worsels in! <(pass a crate of 'broon ale'---quick!)

Match and pub crawl report to follow sometime tooneet or Sunday mornin'!

Thursday, 29 August 2013

"MORECAMBE AND "WHEY AYE'S!" *** MORECAMBE 0 THE TOON 2 ***GLOBE ARENA ***GROUND NUMBER 304

Updated '2:20pm bells' Thorsday 29th August 2013

ground number 304
date of first visit: 28th august 2013
globe arena, Morecambe

Morecambe 0
Newcastle United 2


"THIS TOWN AINT BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US!"

"CARRY ON CAMPIN'!"
(Special thanx to 'International Russcue' for the photo!)

The Toon's *inaugural trip to The Globe Arena (*we naa aall the posh words!) torned oot to be an iconic day in wor lang history az two brothers scored in the same match for us for the forst time ever!

It started off badly az we got stuck in a massive traffic jam in Lancaster, which iz the next toon to Morecambe and it took ages to get through the place!
Then!---there waz the little matter of findin' a safe place to park mee new blue van (complete with 'The Geordie Times' Tyne bridges logo!) which had been convorted to carry passengers in the back!
The run-doon hoosin' estate next to the ground looked very dodgy indeed with old settees and mattresses lyin' discarded in weed strewn gardens and so we decided to try and park in one of the many caravan parks in the area, which we told were safe to park in.
'Tex' Taylor, one of mee travellin' companions had stopped at one a few years back and we heeded for that one, where the wifey who owned it said we could park next to a shabby white camper van for 'a fiver'!

Aa carefully reversed the van on to a piece of grass next to the camper and aall of a sudden the camper's door flew open and a scruffy lookin' unshaven skinny gadgie wearin' a beer stained white vest appeared, wavin' hiz arms aboot like 'windmills' and demandin' that we moved it 'pronto' az that waz hiz bit of lawn and we were blockin' hiz view! (of a gasometer, by the way!)

He suggested (demanded!) that we moved it to some hard standin' on the next plot which waz empty and so aa 'gingerly' shifted the van to where he said! (we had left some 'tyre tracks' on hiz precious lawn, which he hadn't noticed, but decided not to tell him az we might have slashed tyres and nee van windows left, when we returned from the match!)

It waz then off to 'The Hurley Flyer' boozer next to the ground az the gadgie stared at us through hiz net curtains!

Some Toon idiot set a smoke bomb off in the beer garden and the smoke drifted into the bar where we were and so we decided to gan to the bar in the caravan park where we had just left!

It waz then onward back to the tiny ground where Toon fans occupied half of the main stand (where we were) and the terrace behind the right hand goal from us.

A mainly resorve team trotted oot and we just knew that we would be in for a hard neet in this Leegue Cup 2nd roond tie!
If it wasn't for defender Dan Gosling and goalie Rob Elliot who both had blinders we would surely have lost this game az Morecambe had THREE clear cut chances to take the lead in the forst half, but we were saved by 'the dynamic duo'!
"RED SKY AT NIGHT ***AMEOBI'S'S DELIGHT!"

Another 'dynamic duo' came to the rescue in the 2nd period, just when it looked az though the game would gan to extra time.
Shola Ameobi raced through the home defence and fired in a shot which waz deflected and it ended up in the corner of the goal in the 84th minute to wild celebrations from the Toon faithful who were behind!
Not to be ootdone, hiz bruvva Sammy fired home deep into injury time to seal the victory and a coverted place in wor 121 year history! <(not anly that!, but two born and bred Geordies az well--"Whey aye maan!")

SAMMY'S 'HISTORIC' GOAL CELEBRATIONS
IN FRONT OF THE TOON FANS

Thankfully!--the windows (and tyres!) were still intact az we returned to the van (the gadgie had gone to 'beddy-byes' by this time!) and we quietly drove off (so az not to distorb him!) into another traffic jam on the main road!

The draw for the next roond waz on the radio and a home tie against Leeds waz wor 'prize' for gettin' through!

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Yanga, Good, Dummett, Bigirimana, Gosling, Marveaux (Sissoko 86), Vuckic (Shola Ameobi 46),  Sammy Ameobi, Gouffran (Ben Arfa 71)

Attendance: 5,375 (more than 1,000 short of capacity and NOT the record crowd that waz predicted) (1,800 relieved Toon fans)

"ER! --SORRY!"---JUST FOOND OOT IT WAZ A RECORD CROWD!" beatin' the previous 'high' of 5,003!

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

MORECAMBE v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Updated '1:04pm bells' Wednesday 28th August 2013

"NO!***NOT THAT MORECAMBE!"

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will make their forst ever visit to The Globe Arena, Morecambe, toneet, aalthough some of us have actually seen The Toon play in Morecambe before, when wor resorve side played Blackborn resorves there a few years ago at their old Christie Park groond!

We're not sure wot side 'I Beg Your Pardew' will send oot for this League Cup tie, but we have hord that Sammy Ameobi will be in the startin' line up, which meens we think that a mainly resorve team iz expected to play? < (we shall see!)



"AYE!***THAT ONE!"


The groond which opened in 2010 and cost £12 million to build, holds just 6,400 and we have been allocated 600 seats and 1,200 standin' places and aall tickets are now sold oot!

We leave at '2 bells' for the delights of Morecambe Bay!
More to follow on this game later when we get back!

Monday, 26 August 2013

"AND HERE'S SOME 'JoeK's' WE MADE UP ORLIER!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 26th August 2013
"TOON FANS IN 'THE LEAZES END' GIVE 'JoeK'
A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE BEFORE SATURDAY'S
GAME AGAINST 'THE JELLIED EELS MOB!"
(JUST A PITY HE WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT!)

Somebody haz been rattlin' 'JoeKanory's cage once again and he haz awoken from hiz slumbers and come oot of hibernation to give us hiz export opinion on wor current state of affairs!

Yesterday
JoeKanory: "I DON'T understand where the negativity comes from?---We are 2 games into a 38 game season and already the doom and gloom merchants are looking for a scapegoat!"

(Since the end of last season and 'Joek's arrival, we have weakened the team by gettin' rid of Steve Harper, Danny Simpson and James Perch and replaced them with NE new permanent signings!----aalso there's Yohan Cabaye's disgraceful refusal to play for us on Saturday, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him, (which waz torned doon!) but hiz imminent departure won't be lang now, we finx!)

JoeKanory: "Before the season started we sat down and agreed that the squad was BIG enough and STRONG enough to finish in the TOP HALF of the table!"

(The anly way we will finish in the top half of the table iz if yoo torn it upside doon!)

JoeKanory: "Last week we flew to Nice and were met by a private helicopter transfer to Mike Ashley's yacht off St. Tropez <(very nice!) and we spent 7 hours thrashing out every idea and to how to plan to take the club forward!"

(That waz  less than TWO weeks before the close of the transfor window!---he's anly been in the job since June 16th on the remit of signin' players of "CHAMPIONS LEAGUE STANDARD!" <(hiz words NOT wors!)

JoeKanory: "I sanctioned the one year LOAN deal for Loic Remy and if it goes 'pear-shaped' I will take full responsibility for it!"

(He haz aalready missed the forst two games due to injury and iz set to miss at least the next two!---and then there's a little matter of a court case in September, where he iz accused of gang rape!---so he might NEVAA get to play for us!---"pass the pears, pleeeze!")





Sunday, 25 August 2013

THE TOON 0 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0 ***** "JUST LIKE MY DREAMS ***** THEY FADE AND DIE!"

Updated '10:46pm bells' Sunday 25th August 2013


"DARK CLOUDS DESCEND OWER ST JAMES'!"
"IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!"

'Judgement day one' (az Pardew caalls it!) started off with a goal-less draw against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' from "eest Landan!" and anly ONE shot waz on target from eetha team in the entire 90 minutes! (and NOT from us!)

A crowd approachin' 50,000 were assembled to watch these two poor teams and apart from an orly chance for us @ The Leazes End when the visitors nearly scored an own goal, we were 2nd best to them for most of the game!


Shola partnered Cisse up front but neethaa got the service they craved and it waz the visitors who shud have won it with 3 good chances which they 'fluffed', notably former Toon player Kevin Nolan, who, unmarked, heeded ower the bar @ The Leazes End in the 2nd half, when it looked easier to score! <(he got a canny reception from The Toon fans at the start!---mebeez he felt guilty and missed it on purpose?)

Az if the wethaa 'knew it', black clouds and heavy rain desended ower the groond and  West Ham sub Morrison even came on wearin' a PAIR OF GLOVES! <(in AUGUST!) < (wot wud John McNamee make of that!?)
"THEY'RE DEFINATELY NOT BOXIN' GLOVES!"

Then!---at 'the death' Sammy Ameobi sent ower a cross which rebounded off the stanchion of the goal and fell nicey for Gouffran, who had the easy chance of side footin' the baall into the net, BUT! instead chose to hoist the baall ower the bar and into The Gallowgate End, where the faithful held their heads in their hands in despair!  NIL-NIL final score!

We now havvent scored in the last fower Premyaa Leegue games @ St James', gannin back to last season and wor failins are blindingleee obvious to aall who were present!

'The Jellied Eels Mob' (above!) have a club song caalled 'Bubbles' and one line gans: "Just like my dreams they fade and die!"----Surely this shud be WOR song az a major trophy iz sommik we definitely WON'T win under the leadership of 'I Beg Your Pardew', 'JoeKanory' (see below!) and 'The Fat Controller'!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Santon, Anita, Coloccini, Yanga, Sissoko, Marveaux (Sammy Ameobi 66), Cisse (Gouffran 72. Shola Ameobi, Ben Arfa

Attendance: 49,622 (2,500 Jellied Eels!)

Saturday, 24 August 2013

THE TOON v THE JELLIED EELS MOB ***THIS AFTERNOOON! ***"JUDGEMENT DAY ONE!"

Updated '11:35am bells' Saturday 24th August 2013

The forst of two home game in a week in wot wor beleagred manager describes az "Judgement days!" (see below!)  teks place this afternooon @ '3 bells' against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' from "eest Landan!"

Steve Taylor will of course be missin' after hiz stupid sendin' off @ Man City on Monday neet!
Gutierrez iz aalso oot az iz Tiote and of course wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far Loic Remy, who iz carryin' a calf injury and definatleee won't feature! (Williamson iz said to be 'strugglin' az well!)
And az for Yohan Cabaye???---we havvent got a clue if he will be playin'! ,(he apparently wasn't in 'the reet frame of mind' to play for us @ Man City followin' Arsenal's £10 million bid!)
 
Wor visitors will NOT have former Toon player Andy Pandy in their line up az he iz 'cattled', but "No-No-No-Nolan!" iz expected to play and it will be interestin' to see wot reception he gets!?

Havin' conceded 10 goals in the last 3 home games of last season (withoot reply!) this iz indeed 'Judgement day one!' az far az the lang sufferin' Toon fans are concerned! (especially az it's virtually the SAME players who played in those games!) 

'The Ronny Gill' says the match iz a selloot, whereaz othaa sources say that there are still plenty of tickets available???

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a full match report sometime later today or tomorrow <(dependin' on the result!)

Friday, 23 August 2013

THE SMOGGIES U21s v THE TOON U21s *** @ THE SMELLNET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 23rd August 2013

"ONE WE MADE ORLIER!"
Tooneet the resorve U21s make the short trip to Smogland for a leegue fixture.
Admission iz £3 (ne concessions!) via the West Stand lower tier and divvint forget to take your smog mask if yi gannin doon for the '7 bells' start!

Late update: We lost 4-3 with wor goals comin' from Jonathyn Quinn (toe poke), Adam Armstrong ( shot) and Curtis Good (shot)

Attendance: 577 (a 'smatterin' of Toon fans!)

Thursday, 22 August 2013

"JUDGEMENT DAYS A COMIN'!" ***

Posted '1:45pm bells' Thorsday 22nd August 2013
"THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!"

Followin' the debacle and the 'white flag of surrender' by 'I Beg Your Pardew' on Monday neet after just FIVE minutes (see below!) he now asks us to 'judge' hiz team ower the next two Premyaa Leegue games, both @ St James' and both against so called mediocre opposition!

With ne new signins on show despite 'JoeKanory's (broken!) promises to bring in players of "Champions Leegue standard!"?, the anly thing we naa for certain iz that Yohan Cabaye will soon be sayin' ---"Ca-BYE!-BYE!!"

Big Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' are the 'mediocre' opposition this comin' Saturday and the retorn of 'Andy Pandy' and "No-No-No-Nolan!" will add spice to the game!
It will be very interestin' indeed to see the size of the crowd az many fans wrapped their season tickets in after the shambles of the last campaign.
Indeed!---yoo can buy an adult ticket for az little az £15 for this game, when just last season the lowest price for an adult ticket for this fixture was £26! <(wot does THAT tell yoo!?)

Then in between the next Premya game on Saturday week against 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' of Fulham we must travel to Morecambe next Wednesday for a Leegue Cup tie against the seaside minnows!

Remember!--- 'Judgement Day Part One' iz comin' on Saturday!

More to follow on aall this ower the next couple of days!

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

THE BLUE MOONIES 4 THE TOON 0 ***'TAYLS' OF THE NOT! UNEXPECTED!

Updated '12:30pm bells' Tuesday 20th August 2013

THE TOON MAKE A RARE ATTACK ON THE BLUE MOONIES 
GOAL DURIN' THE 2nd HALF



The topic of conversation az we sped ower the 'M62' motorway past the 'famous farmhoose' towards 'Mancland' waz the £10 mill bid that 'The Arse' had put in for Yohan Cabaye orlier that day!

Anothaa player to bite the dust and disappear ower the horizon waz a certainty we thought!

Forthaa confirmation that he wasn't playin', telt us that we would nevaa see him in a Toon top again and the mood in 'The Retro Bar' in the city centre waz of 'doom and gloom' rathaa than optimism for the new season! < (just how many would we lose by?)

Anyway!---it waz soon time to heed for the stadium in east Mancland and anly around 1,450 hardy souls in black n white garb occupied the lower tier of 'The Sooth Stand' <(many of them p*ssed oot their brains!)

Steve Taylor ran oot punchin' the air to get us in the mood and he received a rapturous reception from the small band of followers! <(we could of had double that number of tickets, but we couldn't sell 'em at *£46 a go!) <(wot does that tell yi aboot wor 'plight'!?)

It took the home team preciseleee 5 mins and 40 seconds <(by my everwrong watch!) to score the openin' goal when Taylor's arm divorted the baall to the heed of Silva, who nodded past Tim Krul in The Toon goal!

The 2nd was 'inevitable' az City pounded wor goal and it came in the 23rd minute when Aguero put the baall beyond the reach of Krul to double their lead! <(game ower!)

Then 'Tayls' did a stupid and daft thing just before the break when he smacked Aguero in the gob with hiz right arm <(or waz it hiz left?), polaxin' the 'Blue Moonie'!
A red card waz shown by the ref and it waz now a case of 'damage limitation' in the 2nd period!

It waz soon 3-0 just after the re-start when a free kick by Toure on the edge of the box, beat 'the waall' (at least two Toon players shamefully 'ducked', to avoid the baall hittin' them!) and send the baall into the roof of the net.
The Toon barely ventured into The Blue Moonies half and the 4th and last goal waz scored by Nasri to complete wor misery!

The Toon fans were in foul mood by this time slaggin' off 'The Fat Controller' and singin': "SPEND SOME F*****' MONEY!"
The scoreline could have been much worse though and we got off lightly from a team a hundred million miles <(and poonds) aheed of us in the transfor window!

After just one game of the new campaign we find worselz at the bottom of 'the abyss' and anothaa lang hard season of sufferin' and heartache looks inevitable---for sure! <(pass the heedache tablets!---quick!)

Toon team: Krul, Steve Taylor, Debuchy, Coloccini, Yanga, Tiote, Sissoko, Gutierrez (Anita 44), Ben Arfa (Sammy Ameobi 65), Cisse, Gouffran (Dummett 45)

Attendance: 46,842 (1,450 'sufferers')
ONE OF THE LONG SUFFERIN' FANS!
(*the ticket price didn't include the £1 bookin' fee
imposed by NUFC!) (£45+£1=£46!)

Monday, 19 August 2013

THE BLUE MOONIES v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Posted '8:57am bells' Monday 19th August 2013

ACTION FROM LAST SEASON! ***WE LOST 4-0!

The new season iz upon us at last (two days late!) when we travel to The City of Manc Stadium to face The Blue Moonies.
With ne new signings on show we face an uphill task before we start az City have spent £100,000,000 compared to wor £0 in the transfor market!

Wor belegered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' seems to have hoyed the white flag of surrender up aalready with hiz comments that we carnt possibly compete with them in the transfor window!
He aalso stated on Friday that we had ne injurys for tooneet, but then went on to add that Davide Santon would NOT be playin' due to an injury!???
We've nevaa won here before and it looks a very lang shot that we will break wor duck @ '8 bells' tooneet!

We will be settin' off at '1:30 pm bells' for this Pennine outpost and we will of course bring yoo a full match report when we get back (sometime tomorrow!) 

Sunday, 18 August 2013

'THE GOODIES' 3 'THE BADDIES' 1 (THE TOON U21s 3 WOLVES U21s 1)

Posted '10:20am bells' Sunday 18th August 2013

Jamie's forst game aged 3 years and 300 days!

JAMIE (STANDIN' BY FENCE) GETS CLOSER TO THE ACTION!

Me and wor lass picked 3 year old grandbairn Jamie up from hiz mammy and daddy's hoose and heeded for The Toon. <(yiv got to catch them young!) <(they've got to lorn to 'suffer' like us!)
Jamie who waz dressed in hiz black n white top for the occasion, waz excited aboot gannin' to the match and asked if we were gannin to 'the beer bar'
"YES!"--aa said, az he danced and waved hiz arms excitedly and off we set to 'The Strawberry'  'beer bar' next to the groond!

A pint of orange 'beer' waz consumed by Jamie az me and wor lass supped the normal 'broon stuff'!
Jamie then decided to get in a spot of 'serious pool practice'!

"CRUCIBLE!***CRUCIBLE!***HERE I COME!"

We then heeded for the tornstiles (Jamie crawled under them!) and we picked some seats near to the front, but just before the kick off it started 'chuckin it doon' and so we had to move forthaa back up The East Stand to keep dry!

In the 4th minute Haris Vuckic had a fine shot @ The Leazes End which waz tipped ower the bar by the Wolves keeper!

Then in the 21st minute disaster struck az the visitors took the lead through Altenmi who toe poked the baall past Alnwick in The Toon goal (NOT a good start for Jamie!)

I told Jamie that the team in the orange strip were 'The Baddies' and that we were 'The Goodies'

'The Goodies' then equalised when Vuckic crossed from the right and Gillespey fired home past the Wolves keeper, which brought loud applause from the smaall crowd and Jamie joined in in the celebrations by dancin' doon the steps!

Better waz to come when Adam Armstrong stabbed the baall home just a few minutes later and Jamie celebrated doon the steps once again! (HT: The Goodies 2 The Baddies 1)

The 2nd half waz'nt half az good az the 1st and Jamie who waz gettin' bored by now, torned aroond in hiz seat to face the wrong way!!! <(he had more sense than us!) <(the 'sufferin' had started aalready!)

"SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN!***SUFFER!"

Then! bang on full time Dan Gosling 'wrapped it up' when he tapped in a loose baall @ 'The Gallowgate End'
Jamie celebrated this time by runnin' alang the front of the East Stand!

The final whistle blew and Jamie's 'debut game' waz complete with a 3-1 win to 'The Goodies'! <(he now haz a lifetime of 'sufferin' to endue!***just like the rest of us!)

Toon team: Alnwick, Mbabu, Gillesphey (Quinn 46), Sakta, Streete, Good, Gosling, Bigiramana, Gilliead (Heardman 74), Vuckic (Logan 54), Armstrong

Attendance: *600 (includin' Jamie of course!) (*estimated crowd) 

PS: the official attendance waz later given az 584 (mee guess waz 16 oot!)

Saturday, 17 August 2013

THE TOON U21's v WOLVERHAMPTON WANABEEZ U21's ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '11:50am bells' Saturday 17th August 2013
THE EAST STAND

This afternoon @ '3 bells' a very rare occurrence will happen @ St James' Park when The Toon U21 resorve side tek on Wolves in a FA U21 Premyaa Leegue fixture!

We honestly carnt remember the last time the resorves played a '3 bells' Saturday game @ SJP, but aa naa one thing---it waz a very (very!) lang time ago!
In the 1960's when the forst team were away on the Saturday the resorves would play the revorse fixture on the hallowed torf and aa used to be a regular in them days!

It shud be mentioned that mee 3 year old grandbairn 'Jamie' will be in attendance for the very forst time and will be 'kitted oot' in hiz black n white strip for the occasion! (he will be 3 years and 300 days  old, preciselee, when the game kicks off!) <(yiv got to start them young!) <(they've got to lorn to 'suffer' like us!)

Admission iz via The East Stand and iz free to season ticket holders and members ---everyone else must pay £3 (or £1, dependin' on your age!)

Toon squad for the game: Alnwick, Booth, Aird, Mbabu, Goode, Sakta, Streete, Logan, Gosling, Gilliead, Gillespey, Bigiramana, Vuckic, Quinn, Armstrong, Heardman


A full match report on the Wolves game and Jamie's debut visit will be forthcomin' on Sunday mornin'!

Of course the reason we have a 'free Saturday' on the openin' day of the new season iz because we divvint play 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland til Monday neet @ The City of Manc Stadium!
(ne new signins on show---ne hope!) 

Thursday, 15 August 2013

THE NOT SO PERFECT 'REMY'DY!

Posted '12:20pm bells' Thorsday 15th August 2013

"THE TOON'S NEW 4th STRIP---PERHAPS?"

News that Loic Remy, wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far in the transfor window, will not just miss wor openin' game of the season, but could aalso miss the next two games az well because of hiz calf injury, haz just been conformed by wor beleaguered manager!

The Hazbeens and Villians game @ Villa Park on September 14th haz now been 'pencilled in' az hiz possible debut???

Of course he might NEVER get to put the coverted black n white stripes on at aall, az he haz an inpendin' court case on an alledged gang rape charge!------IN SEPTEMBER!

"YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!"

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

THE LIVERBIRDS 3 THE TOON 1 (BEHIND CLOSED DOORS FRIENDLY)

Posted '12:25pm bells' Wednesday 14th August 2013

"SOMEWHERE OOTSIDE MELWOOD TRAININ' GROOND!"

Yesterday afternoon The Toon played a behind closed doors friendly @ Liverpool's Melwood trainin' groond, with ne public or press access! (apart from the above Scouse urchins!)

However!---'The Geordie Times' would NOT be beaten and we sent wor 'winged wonder' 'Percy the Carrier Pigeon' to fly ower the action and bring us back a match report!

"Coo! Coo! The Toon lost 3-1 in east Lancashire on Tuesday afternoon with Dan Gosling gettin' wor goal, firin' in from close qwaataaz, after bein' supplied by Adam Campbell.
It didn't help that we gave TWO penalties away and the result waz a fair one, considerin' that they put SIX past us @ St James' Park not so lang ago! Coooo!"

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

THE BISCUITMEN U21s 4 THE TOON U21s 2 ***LAST NEET!

Posted 2:05pm bells' Tuesday 13th August 2013

The U21s played at The Madjeski Stadium last neet in the Premyaa Resorve Leegue and we lost 4-2 with wor goals comin' from Gael Bigiramana (pen) and Adam Armstrong. The Toon sported yet anothaa change strip, this time bright yellow with black shorts!

We play again on Saturday against Wolves U21s @ St James' Park @ '3 bells' and the East Stand will be open for this game.

Tooneet the forst team play a 'behind closed doors' friendly against The Liverbirds at their trainin' ground. Unfortunately there iz a news blackout for this game, but we will send wor faithful carrier pigeon 'Percy', to fly ower the action and bring yoo a 'Geordie Times' excluuusive report sometime tomorrow!  

Monday, 12 August 2013

HARRODS v THE POOND SHOP ***NEXT MONDAY NEET!

Posted '12:40pm bells' Monday 12th August 2013

"THE 'TOON' SHOP HERE!"

With just a week to gan before the big kick off @ The City of Manc Stadium we STILL havvent signed a player for cash, despite wor 'Director of Fools' 'JoeKanory' tellin' us two month's ago that we would be signin' players "fit for the Champions League!" by the start of the new season!???

Whey!--- even wor 'one and anly loan player' Loic Remy iz 'UNfit' and iz oot of wor forst game next Monday with a calf injury!

The Blue Moonies in complete contrast to us have signed fower players for a total of nearly £100,000,000! and it looks like 'lambs to the slaughter time' come '8 bells' next week!
"THE BLUE MOONIES' SHOP HERE!"

We can anly hope that some poond notes are spent by 'The Fat Controller' by the weekend, or we will surely be in big BIG! trouble!

Sunday, 11 August 2013

THE TOON 1 SC BRAGA 1

Updated '10:30pm bells' Sunday 11th August 2013


"TWENTY'S PLENTY!"

Wor one and anly home pre season friendly torned oot to be a 'non event' az we struggled against Portuguese side SC Braga @ St James' Park yesterday evenin'!

Wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far, Loic Remy, waz paraded before the fans before the kick off to a luke warm reception, with many fans refusin' to applaud a player who torned us doon in January, in favour of QPR for more dosh!

The Toon came oot sportin' a black n white 'half and half' Blackborn style strip, rathaa than wor traditional stripes, which puzzled us to say the very least??? 

We started off well when Coloccini shot just wide in the 2nd minute @ 'The Leazes End', but we faded after this and the anly othaa 'action' from us waz an effort from Cisse in the 18th minute which waz tipped ower the bar by the Braga keeper! 

The visitors took the lead bang on half time when one of their forwards waz adjudged to have been pushed in the box by Debuchy and the ref awarded a penalty with loud protest from the Toon players and fans alike!
Alan convoted the spot kick past Elliot in the Toon goal and so we went into the dressin' room 'one doon' at the break!

The 2nd half waz even worse than the 1st but Coloccini saved the day when he heeded in from a Ben Arfa corner @ 'The Gallowgate End' to send the 16,000 faithful into delerium! <(whey!---polite applause anyway!)

Attendance: 16,187 (we spotted TWO Braga fans @ the front of The Leazes End behind the goal!)   


The anly suprize for us waz the size of the crowd which waz some 6,000 more than we predicted at 16,000 plus <(there are more daft b*ggers than we thought!) 

Toon team line up: In total TWENTY players were used by us in this game and they were: Elliot, Krul, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Santon, Dummett, Yanga, Coloccini, Tiote, Cabaye, Sissoko, Anita, Cisse, Marveaux,  Shola Ameobi, Gouffran, Ben Arfa, Obertan, Gutierrez, (and finalleee)Sammy Ameobi! 

Friday, 9 August 2013

THE TOON v SC BRAGA ***TOMORROW EVENIN'!

Posted '2:55pm bells' Friday 9th August 2013

Tomorrow we play wor one and anly home pre season friendly against SC Braga of Portugal in a '6 bells' evenin' kick off @ St James' Park

We expect, because of the Saturday evenin' kick off time, that anly around 10,000 will be there, az of course we will have ne new signings on show, az wor anly (loan!) signin' to date, Loic Remy, iz carryin' a calf injury and will not feature in the game!

The kick off time will not suit many fans and they will give the game 'a miss' and 'gan on the hoy', but in my case it works oot nicely, az av been invited to a weddin' on Saturday mornin', which gives me plenty of time to make the start!

Fans can pay at the gate at both The Leazes and Gallowgate End's

A full match report will follow sometime on Sunday!

Thursday, 8 August 2013

LEAGUE CUP DRAW*** IT'S MORECAMBE AWAY! ***NEW GROOND! ***NEW GROOND!

Posted '1:35pm bells' Thorsday 8th August 2013

"NO!***NOT THAT MORECAMBE!"

The Leegue Cup draw haz paired us with Morcambe away and the tie will take place in the week commencin' 26th August.

We have been to Morcambe before to watch The Toon, beleeeve it or not? when wor resorves played Blackborn resorves at Cristie Park a few years back.
HOWEVER! Morecambe have since moved to pastures new at The Globe Arena which we have NEVA been te before!

"AYE!***THAT ONE!"

More to follow on aall this much later!

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

THE BILLY BOYS 1 THE GEORDIE BLUE SOX? 1 ***THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (PART FOWER)

Posted '12:20pm bells' Wednesday 7th July 2013

For the fourth time in az many weeks we crossed 'Hadrians breeze blocks' and heeded ower the England/Scotland border, this time for west Glasgow!

Yet again 'super sub Shola' saved the day for 'The Toon' who sported their usual black n white shirts and black shorts, but strangely wore aall blue socks? against "The Billy Boys of Glasgey"

Aroond aboot 1,500 Toon fans filled 'The Govan Stand Corner' bit, with wot looked like 30,000 or so Rangers fans in the rest of the groond.

The Scottish 2nd Division side (just renamed Division 1?) took the lead in the 5th minute when a very dodgy penalty waz awarded against 'Fab' Coloccini who waz adjudged to have upended Nicky Clark in the box and Lee McCulloch stepped up to take it, beatin' Tim Krul in the Toon goal!

'The Toon', with a full strength team pressed for the equaliser at 'The Copeland Road End', but were unable to break doon the home sides defence and we went in 'one doon' at the interval.

The 2nd half waz dire from wor point of view with 'The Billy Boys' gannin close on several occasions to double their lead.
It wasn't until the desperate introduction of Shola Ameobi in the 73rd minute , replacin' an ineffective Cisse that things changed.

Aall of a sudden a string of corners came wor way and then deep into injury time with the Rangers fans singin': "Premier League---your havin' a laff!", up stepped 'wor saviour' for the fourth time in pre season to stab the baall home from a through pass from hiz bruvva Sammy (who waz anothaa 'super sub'!) to save wor blushes! < (and silence 'The Billy Boys'!)

Most worryin' of aall waz the fact that (az mentioned) we had a full strength team at the start, while lowly Rangers had several trialists in their side!
'The Grand Tour of Scotland' waz ower---for this season at least!

Anothaa lang hard season looks on the cards for certain! < ("Pass the heedache tablets, pleeeze!")

Toon team: Krul (Elliot 46), Santon (Dummett 63), Coloccini (Yanga 73), Steve Taylor , Sissoko (Marveaux 63), Tiote (Anita 73), Gutierrez (Sammy Ameobi 80), Cabaye (Gosling 80), Cisse (Shola Ameobi 73), Ben Arfa (Gouffran 46)

Attendance: 30,000 plus (1,500 Toon fans)
"THE PRE MATCH 'GARGELS' BAR!"
 (A 'CELTIC BAR' NOT FAR FROM IBROX,
WHICH WAZ THREE QWAATAAZ EMPTY!)
  

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

REMY SIGNS!*** ON LOAN!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 6th July 2013

News that striker Loic Remy haz signed for us in a loan deal from QPR haz brought mixed reaction from the Toon faithful.

Remy of course backed oot of a deal to join us in January at the very last second, preferrin' 'double your money' instead with 'appy 'arry's rag and bone mob!

He iz on a gang rape charge next month and so this loan deal could be one of the shortest on record, dependin' on the outcome of the court case!?

And wor opinion @ 'The Geordie Times'?----It reeely iz desperate times @ 'penny pinchin' NUFC!

Monday, 5 August 2013

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART FOWER) ***THE BILLY BOYS v THE TOON ***TOONEET!

Updated '12:05pm bells' Tuesday 6th July 2013

Tooneet we heed back ower Hadrians Waall for the fourth time in a month, this time to face Glasgow Strangers @ Ibrox Park in a '7:45 bells' kick off!
The Toon have sold wor entire allocation of just 1,000 tickets (we could have had 2,000!) and we will be in wor 'usual' corner section of the groond!

No tickets will be on sale to Toon fans on the day of the match but home fans can pay on the night!
SO!---if yi want to get in, put your best 'Billy Connelly' 'jock accent on' and divvint wear any black n white colours!

We'll be heedin' up around aboot the 1:30pm bells' mark and shud arrive at 'The Wee Rangers Club' not far from Ibrox at aboot '4:30-5:00 bells'!

A full match and trip report to follow much later az per usual

Sunday, 4 August 2013

"LETS US HOPE***THAT THIS IS NE JoeK!"

Updated '12:25pm bells' Sunday 4th August 2013


"SOME NEW 'SIGNINGS' AT LAST!?"---"HIC!"

The rumours dein the roonds at the minute include one that 'JoeKanory' iz to be sacked by NUFC after just eight weeks in the job of 'Director of Fools'!

Eight weeks to sign players of which TWO were spent on a holiday in Italy and of course NE signins to date despite him tellin' us that we would have a team fit for 'The Champions Leegue' by the start of the season! <("Joekanory!---Joekanory!---Joekanory!") 

Rumour haz it that he arranged to meet Villa's Darren Bent aboot signin' for us. Bent duly torned up with hiz agent and 'JoeKanory' torned up DRUNK!

Bent waalked oot in disgust and anothaa striker waz lost!
Apparentleee, this wasn't the forst time that JoeK had torned up for an interview in a comatosed state and we have hord that NUFC are on the brink of losin' their patience with him and are to 'give him the bullet'!
Lets hope (and pray!) that THIS iz NE 'JoeK'!

PS: Accordin' to todays Sundih Sun, 'JoeK' iz watchin' a CRICKET MATCH! this afternoon in Norf Landan < (where else!?) and iz YET to see the forst team in action, to see where we need strenthenin' (That's the NUFC forst team and NOT the Norf Landan cricket team, by the way!)
Perhaps he haz got a spin bowler lined up for us?---that would be interestin'---wouldn't it? 
"THE TOON'S NEW CENTRE FORWARD---PERHAPS!?"

Saturday, 3 August 2013

HEEDBANGERS 1 TOON X1 2


Posted '11:05pm bells' Saturday 3rd August 2013

"A SOUPER SHOW BY CAMPBELL!"

Adam Campbell scored twice to secure a narrow win ower Gatesheed in the 2013 Tyne Bridge Derby last neet!
Hiz forst came in the 20th minute when a Connor Newton back heel foond Campbell, who duly rifled the baall into The Heed net!

'The Heedbangers' equalised at the mid-point of the 2nd half  when Marcus Maddison stuck a fine effort from 20 yards oot! (The same 'Maddison' who had scord in the same fixture for US last season!)

Then!---with barely 7 minutes left on the clock, Harris Vuckic foond Campbell in the box and he gleefully dispatched the baall past former Toon keeper, 'one' Adam Bartlett to score hiz 2nd goal of the game!

That's the way it stayed and to be honest it waz a lucky win indeed for us @ The International Stadium!

Attendance: 1,274 (includin' several 'numbskulls' in Toon garb settin' off flares and fireworks!)

Friday, 2 August 2013

THE TYNE BRIDGE DERBY ***THE HEEDBANGERS v TOON X1 ***TOONEET!

Posted '12:30pm bells' Friday 2nd August 2013

Tooneet The Toon are sendin' a mainly resorve/junior squad ' 'ower the waataa' to play The Heedbangers of Gatesheed @ The International Stadium in a '7:30 bells' start!

Wor prediction that we would send a strong squad because of forst team *inactivity ower the weekend haz not *materialised! <(*we naa aall the big words!)

The Toon 19 man squad iz: Mitchell, Alnwick, Booth, Satka, Good, Logan, Newton, Williamson, Streete, Smith, Sterry, Keman, Vuckic, Campbell, Aarons, Aird, Amalfitano, Herdman, Quinn

Admission iz a tenner for grown ups, a fiver for zimmerframites and two quid for sprogs under 16

Because of wor team line up, many fans will 'give it a miss' and we predict a low attendance of around aboot 700 to 800

Match report to follow tomorrow sometime!

Thursday, 1 August 2013

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS ***"GANNIN FOR A BURTON!"

Posted '2:10pm bells' Thorsday 1st August 2013

"NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS***GANNIN FOR A BURTON!"

There iz yet more 'joyous news' for 'the mad-sad groundhoppers' az 'The Hazbeens and Villians' of Bormingham have announced that wor U21 away Resorve fixture will be played @ The Pirelli Stadium, Burton on Monday November 4th and NOT Villa Park az waz previously thought!

Sadly!---this iz the anly fixture in the FA Premier U21s Leegue that we naa of, that will be played on a groond we havvent previousleee visited!

We will of course inform yoo, wor loyal reeders straight away! if anymore games at this level are to be played on a new groond!

Watch this space!

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