Thursday 28 February 2013

SWANZEE v THE TOON ****** WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS SYNDROME!

Posted '9:30pm bells' Thorsday 28th February 2013


"SHUD I STAY OR SHUD I GO?"

A'v been tellin everybody aall week that aa WOULDN'T be gannin to Swanzee at the weekend coz of the shear cost of next weeks trip to Rushaa and the previous trip to the Ukraine, just last week, which have cost me a total of  a 'fower figure' 'heart attack' sum, which haz nearly emptied mee piggy bank! 

Swanzee waz a 'bill tooo far' and on Monday when we booked up for Rushaa (scroll doon page to view!) aa even did the 'unfinkable' and sold mee prized Swanzee match ticket az well, to 'Dave from York' to try and save some money!
However!--- by Wednesday dinnertime aa waz havin 'severe withdrawal symptoms' and after a few pints of 'John Smiths' in 'The Hotspur' and 'The Newcastle Arms' a'd completeleee changed mee mind!---"AA WAS GANNIN!"

Aa went yem and telt wor lass, who had said 'aall alang' that aa 'shud gan', az she'd NEVA known me miss a match, in aall the years a'v been with hor!

Aa then set aboot the task this mornin' of gettin' meesel anotha ticket, which wasn't easy az we've anly been allocated a measly 1,000 tickets in the away section, which not suprizingly were totally 'selt oot' ower a week ago!

'Dave from York' who a'd selt mee origional ticket te on Monday, said he would try and get me anotha one!---and 'hey presto', just one hour later at dinnertime today, he text me to tell iz he'd foond me one!----A'v got to pick it up at the groond before the game, but at least a'm gannin' and mee record of not missin a competitive game anywhere, this century, will (hopefully!?) continue!---for the time being at least!<(or until mee piggy bank iz totally empty!)  'Mental' isn't the word!

NUFC iz a 'drug' which yoo carnt give up az av foond oot to mee cost this week!
"HOWAY THE £ADS!"

Cheers!
Fink (the mad-sad & mental groundhopper!)

"OH NO!---ANYONE! BUT LAZIO!"

Updated '4:30pm bells' Thorsday 28th February 2013

"IT'S A LOCKOOT!"

HORRIRFYIN' news haz reached 'The Geordie Times' that Lazio of Rome have been ordered to play their next TWO Europaa Leegue games behind closed doors because of crowd trouble, startin' with their home game against Stuttgart on March 14th.

Shud 'THEY' get through and 'WE' get through to the next roond, then there iz the distinct possibility that 'THEY' could get drawn against 'US', which would meen that 'NO' Toon fans would be allowed to gan to The Olympic Stadium in Rome!<(lets hope and pray that the Jawmans progress!)

Just where 'The Geordie Times' would LIKE and NOT LIKE to gan to next IF we reach the last 8!

Gold=Yes we'd like to gan here-pleeeze!
Pink=No Thanx!--visas required!
Yellow=Better than some!
Purple=Tooo dangerous!
Blue='Behind closed doors' so we DEFINATLEEE divvint want this one!
Green=Been here before and got the 'tee shirt' so we divvint want to gan again!

Pizen of Poland v Fenebache of Torkey
Stuttgart of Jawmany v Lazio of Italy
Steaua of Romania v Chelski of England
Benfica of Portugal v Bordeaux of France
Sporz of England v Inter Milan of Italy
Levante of Spain v Rubin of Rushaa
Basel 'Fawlty' of Switzerland v Zenit of Rushaa

That's just THREE oot of FOURTEEN that we'd like to gan te!  



ANZI RIPOFF!---"TWENTY SIX QUID! ***YIH HAVIN @ A LAFF!"

Posted '9:00am bells' Thorsday 28th February 2013

Tickets for wor away game against 'The Anzi Machachems' next Thorsday in Moscow are now on sale to season ticket holders by the usual dedicated European travel forms from the NUFC ticket office!
Anzi fans are bein' charged from £4 per ticket, while we must pay more than SIX TIMES! that amoont @ £26 per ticket!<(Who said beware of muggers in Moscow!?)

Tuesday 26 February 2013

FIXTURE CHANGE!*** 'THE PULIS P*SS POTTS'*** NOW A SUNDAY!

Updated '9:30pm bells' Tuesday 26th February 2013
ACTION FROM THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS
FROM LAST SEASON  

Wor home game against 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke' will now take place on Sunday 10th March with a '3 bells' kick off, az we play Anzi of Russia @ St James' in the Europaa Leegue on the Thorsday neet before!

For aall NUFC fixtures/results see top tool bar---aalso see latest Premyaa Leegue attendances which have just been updated

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GEORDIE IN MOSCOW!?"

Updated '2:25pm bells' Tuesday 26th February 2013

Forst of aall, apologeez for not updatin' this website yesterday, but I waz awoken from my slumbers @ '10:30am bells' (after workin' a nightshift) by 'The Caped Crusader', tellin' me some devistatin' news that rocked me to the core!

NOT that anybody had 'snuffed it' or owt like that, but that wor planned trip to Moscow in just ower a weeks time with 'Thomas Cook Travel', which we had booked on Friday had been-----CANCELLED!!!--- due to lack of bookings, and according to today's 'Ronny-Gill' (below) anly 22 had actually booked up!

This waz mainly due to fans facin' the 'minefield' of fillin' in a Rushan visa form online <(which we were told cud take up to TWO HOURS!) and then havin' the hassle of travellin' to London or Edinburgh with a copy to obtain a visa!
Plus!-- the dedicated 'Thomas Cook' on-line number to book places couldn't be phoned ower the weekend coz nebody waz there to answer them!???



With anly a week to de the visas and the shear cost of re-booking, it haz proved an impossible task for many fans who have abandoned plans to gan!

Five of us went to anotha travel agents yesterday, where we spent ower two hours plannin' anotha trip at an 'eye waaterin' price, plus a canny bit extra for gettin' wor visas 'fast-tracked', due to lack of time!

Honestly!---it haz been an absolute nightmare to organise and if there are 40 Toon fans in Moscow next week I will be very suprized!

Footnote:
Of course, az WE havvent had WOR visas processed yet, WE might not be gannin eetha, if they divvint come back in time OR they reject wor applications for some reason!<(they are due back on Friday!)<(fingers and toes crossed!)

Sunday 24 February 2013

THE TOON 4 SOOOTHAMPTON 2

Posted '5:10pm bells' Sunday 24th February 2013

YOHAN CABAYE PENALTY

A six goal thriller on wot waz dubbed 'French Day' in honour of aall wor new French players, went in The Toon's favour!
But it didn't start off well when Schenderlin put the visitors in front in the 2nd minute, but 'The Sissoko Kid' levelled things in the 33rd minute when Gouffran supplied him with a pinpoint cross and wor number 7 supplied the vital touch!
IT'S 'FRENCH DAY' @ ST JAMES'!

Then just before the break Toon keeper Rob Elliot makin' hiz Premyaa Leegue debut cleared up field and the baall boonced nicely for Cisse and he rifled an unstoppable volley into the roof of the net @ 'The Leazes End' to put us aheed at the break!

Sooothampton levelled things though through Ricky Lambert in the 50th minute and it waz 'game on' again!

We retook the lead at the mid point of the half when Danny Fox handled in the box and Cabaye dispatched the penalty past Boruc in the visitors goal @ 'The Gallowgate End'!

Then! 11 minutes from the end we scored again when a clearence richoshaded of Hooiveld to seal the crucial victory and three valuable points to move us up to 14th place above Sooothampton and the SMBs!

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Coloccini (Yanga 45), Steve Taylor, Santon, Tiote, Cabaye (Perch 77), Sissoko, Guierrez, Gouffran (Anita 87), Cisse

Attendance:52,259 (1,500 Sooothampton fans)  

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '10:45am bells' Sunday 24th February 2013


Today we must torn wor attention away from wor Europaa Leegue exploits and concentrate on the Premyaa Leegue where we will play a crucial game against Sooothampton @ St James' in a '1:30 bells' kick off.

Results yesterday were mixed and we now find worsels just THREE points above 'the abyss'!
We are level on points with wor opponents and a win would give us some breathin' space in the fight at the bottom of the table.

The bad news for us iz that wor forst choice goalie Tim Krul who sustaned an ankle injury in the Ukraine on Thorsday neet, iz likely to be oot for aroond aboot five weeks.
Second choice keeper Steve Harper iz aalso reported to be carryin' an injury which lets in Rob Elliot for hiz Premyaa Leegue debut.

Today haz been declared 'French Day' by NUFC in acknowledgement of the number of 'Frenchies' who will be in wor side today and face painters will be on hand to paint your face red, white and blue!
The visitors have sold their allocation of tickets and a near capacity crowd iz expected!

Match report to follow much later!   

Saturday 23 February 2013

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MAKHACHEM IN MOSCOW!?"

Posted '2:15pm bells' Saturday 23rd February 2013
LUHZNIKI STADIUM, MOSCOW

UEFA have just conformed that wor Europaa Leegue games against Anzi Makhachkala<(aka 'The Mak-hach-ems'!) of Russia will take place on Thorsday 7th March @ '5:00 bells' GMT<(Geordie Match Time!) (9:00 bells' OTT)<(Ower There Time!) in the 78,000 capacity Luzhniki Stadium, Moscow, with the retorn leg @ St James' Park a week later @ '8:05 bells' GMT! 

VISA TEASER!

Posted '11:30am bells' Saturday 23rd February 2013

Anyone plannin' to gan to Rushaa<(Russia!) for wor game against Anzi in just twelve days time will forst have to get a visa from the Rushin embassy in eetha London or Edinburgh and then conform travel arrangements! <(flights/hotels etc.)

The online form to get one we understand, iz 'mind-bogglin' to fill in and will cost between £77 and £107 for a 'fast track' one!

'The Geordie Times' will keep yoo informed ower the next few days az to any progress made by us!<(watch this space!) 

Friday 22 February 2013

THE METAL GURUS 0 THE TOON 1 ( THE TOON WIN 1-0 ON AGGREGATE!)

Updated '1:25pm bells' Friday 22nd February 2013

Ground number 297---Metalist Stadium, Karkiv
SHOLA SCORES FROM THE PENALTY SPOT!

Mee computaa haz now come oot of it's three day hibernation followin' 'The Geordie Times'z retorn from the Ukraine orly this mornin' and the fower hour flight landed @ '2:30am bells' preciselee to even colder temeratures than in Karkiv!

A full mad-sad groundhoppers trip report will follow later and will be updated throughoot the day after aa wake up properly!---

Shola Ameobi'z penalty waz the difference between the two teams az The Toon progressed to the next stage against Anzi (deep breath!)> Makhachkala of Russia

The Toon were backed by a magnificent 500 followin' in the near 40,000 capacity crowd and they had travelled by various expensive and torturous routes across Europe to get here.

Non flyer 'Glennn from Ashington' for example, had set off on Sunday neet to get here via train, ferry and bus and hadn't arrived at hiz hotel til 8 on the mornin' of the game!

He had five hours kip and then waz off to the stadium for some souviners. Hiz bus back to Kiev waz due to leave less than an hour after the match finished and he faced an eight hour trip just to get back to the Ukranian capital!
He telt me that he iz due back on Tyneside with less than an hour to spare before wor game against Soothampton on Sunday @ '1:30 bells'!<(but will he make it!?)<(watch this space!)  

The city of Karkiv az we had foond to wor cost iz virtually 'pub free' and on the day of the match we wandered aboot aimlessly like lost sheep tryin' to work oot wot the signs said when a buildin' looked remotely like a drinkin den!


"HELP!"

After an hour we bumped into 'Bill Quay Kev' who telt us that he waz off to a pub just aroond the corner from where we'd just been!?

And there it waz!----'CINEMA' the sign screeemed, but it waz infact a pub/restaurant in 'diguise' which we unknowingly had waalked past just a couple of minutes orlier, thinkin' it waz a 'cinema'!<(believe it or not!)<(how stupid cud we be?) 
"HA!-HA!"-"WE FOOLED YOU!"

A few 'liquids' in here<(at rip off prices of £3 a pint!) and we were off to anotha unpronounceablee named boozer which we HAD FOOND the neet before, which waz just up the street from wor hotel and waz less than £1 a pint!

It waz then off to the match some three miles from the city centre where the 'secret police' were waitin' in their hundreds for us!<(there waz more of them than us!)


Wearin' wor traditional black n white stripes, we started off the brighter and attack the goal to the far end of us, but then the home side woke up and had a couple of chances near the end of the half. (half time 0-0)
THE TOON ATTACK THE METALIST GOAL
DURIN' THE 1st HALF

We'd sent a stronger team than aa thought would be there and at last we seem to be takin' this competition seriously!
Marveaux the Magician had a great chance to put us in the lead az we attacked the end where we were housed, huddled in the corner suroonded by the dibble and stewards!

HUNDREDS OF METALIST FANS 'IN THE PINK'
(middle of pic) STRIP OFF IN THE
SUB ZERO TEMPERATURES!

The deadlock waz finally broken halfway though the second period when a blunder by a Karkiv defender gave us a penalty 
His intended back pass to hiz goalie went astray and the goalie needlesly pulled Sissoko doon in the box near the touchline az the baall ended up near him.
The ref pointed straight to the spot and up stepped 'Penalty King Shola'<(I carnt remember him missin' one!) to place the baall to the left of their keeper to put us one-nil up to huge celebrations from the away contingent<(we naa aall the big words!)

This meant we had the vital away goal and that Metalist must now score twice to gan through!
A few scarey moments near the end didn't help wor 'tickers' but Tim Krul in The Toon goal pulled off some magnificent saves and we held oot til the final whistle!
THE TOON FANS CELEBRATE AFTER THE FINAL WHISTLE!

After the usual half hour 'lock-in' we were escorted back to the waitin' coaches which whisked us off to the airport for wor '11:30 bells' flight yem!
News filtered through on the plane that Anzi from Russia had drawn in Hannover in the later kick off and therefore we would be off to Moscow in just two weeks time to play them!<(visas @ the ready!)

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Yanga, Coloccini, Haidara, Sissoko, Anita (Perch 75), Cabaye (Bigiramana 87), Marveaux, Shola Ameobi, Cisse (Gutierrez 75)

Attendance: 39,973 (500 very happy Toon fans!)

Like aa say!---aa'll be dein' a full trip report which might take a few days to compile az quite a lot happened---(like 'Sarnie Steve' lockin' himsel in the hotel's bog!) 

More Karkiv pics below!
KARKIV'S ANSWER TO SAINSBURY'S--AN OLD WOMEN SELLS HOR WARES FROM A TABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!


A CONCRETE PILLAR IZ STRAPPED TO A TELEGRAPH POLE
 TO STOP IT FROM FAALLIN OWER (ONE OF MANY LIKE THIS!)



   

Tuesday 19 February 2013

THE METAL GURUS v THE TOON***THORSDAY TEATIME!

Updated '4:45am bells' Wednesday 20th February 2013

"BEWARE OF THE GIANT SPIDER!"

There's nuw just ONE day to gan before wor game in the Ukraine against Metalist Karkiv and we are gettin' ready to depart on the 2,500 jorney to the Ukraine from Toon Airport. 
The news from NUFC iz that the Premya Leegue home game against fellow strugglers Sooothampton on Sunday, MUST take priority ower the Europa Leegue game on Thorsday @ '6 bells' GMT! (Geordie Match Time!) (it's an '8 bells' kick off Ukrainian time!) (Live on ESPN)

Reeedin' between the lines, we think that we won't risk wor star players in Karkiv in case they get injured, az a defeat on Sunday (shud otha results gan against us!) would leave us just ONE POINT above 'the abyss'!

We've just hord that 500 Toon fans have now porchased tickets for the game, which iz more than twice az many az we forst thought who will be makin' the £400+ expensive trip to the sub zero Ukraine, (-10 degrees at least!) with non flyer 'Glennn from Ashington' aalready well on hiz way by bus, train and ferry! (see below!)

It iz now time once again to put 'The Geordie Times' computaa into hibernation for a few days, but he/she? will (hopefully?) wake up again sometime on Friday to bring yoo, wor loyal reeeders, a 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match and trip report!---"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!"

   

'GEORDIE TIMES' WORLD EXCLUUUSIVE!

Posted '1:50pm bells' Tuesday 19th February 2013

'The Geordie Times' haz just hord from 'non flyer' 'Glennn from Ashington' via text message, (the Toon fan who iz terrified to fly!) and he tells us that he iz currentleee in Berlin @ 'The Checkpoint Charlie' Museum on hiz torturous jorney to Karkiv!

He iz just aboot to board a coach bound for Kiev az we speak, which takes TWENTY FOWER HOURS! to reach the Ukranian capital!
From there he must make another FOWER HUNDRED MILE trip on dodgy roads to reach hiz final destination in Karkiv! (he left Ashington on Sunday neet!) <(the total distance between Berlin and Karkiv iz ower a THOOSAND MILES!)

We fly oot tomorrow mornin' @ '8 bells' from Toon Airport and while he will just have arrived in Kiev, WE will be landin' @ Karkiv Airport!

"25,000 THANKYOOOZ!"

Posted '9:15am bells' Tuesday 19th February 2013

Within the last couple of days 'The Geordie Times' haz received it's 25,000th pageview from owerseas (and beyond!) and yet again we thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' onto this daft NUFC Geordie blog!
Includin' the UK (27,000+) the total haz now past the 52,000 mark! (see pageview coontaa!)>>>

The Top Ten countries are az follows:
1 United Kingdom (England,Scotland,Northern Ireland & Wales) 27,412
2 United States of Americaa 8,801
3 Ukraine 1,583
4 Jawmany 1,062
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"
5 The Guinness Republic 915
6 Rushaa 714
7 Greece 681
8 Spain 566
9 France 389
10 China 321
+Mars "a canny few!" 


Monday 18 February 2013

ARCHIVE GROUND LIST---158

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 18th February 2013

Az we are playin' Ukrainian side Metalist Karkiv later this week in wot will be 'The Geordie Times'z THORD visit to this former Soviet Union country, av 'dug up' this archive mad-sad groundhoppers match report from wor forst ever visit there some sixteen years ago in 1997<(iz it reeely that lang ago!?), when we played Dynamo Kiev in a Champions Leegue match in front of 100,000 screamin' Ukrainians!
(SEE BELOW!) 

THE METAL GURUS v THE TOON***THORSDAY NEET!

Posted '9:40am bells' Monday 18th February 2013

The build up to the big Europa Leegue game in the Ukraine on Thorsday starts today and the question iz just wot side we will send to Metalist on Thorsday neet?
Wor guess iz, that az we have to play a crucial Premya Leegue game against Sooothampton on Sunday, a weaker team than in last weeks forst leg game will be flown the 2,500 miles to Karkiv.

A 'baallz up' with the ticket for the match gave me and quite a few others an allocation of TWO tickets each?--so we've had to trail back to the ticket office @ St James' to take the extra one back to avoid bein' charged double! 

'The Geordie Times' iz on the 150 seater Thomas Cook chartaa flight which leaves Toon Airport @ '8 bells' on Wednesday mornin' and the forecast iz for minus ten temperatures at least in the Ukraines second city!

Anotha 50 or so fans are makin' 'their own way' via London, Istanbul and Kiev and 'Glennn from Ashington' iz travellin' owerland az usual via ferry bus and train az he iz terrified of flyin'!

We understand that az we speak, he iz on hiz way to the ferry port now for hiz epic THREE AND A HALF DAY jorney! (the flight in comparison, we understand, takes THREE AND A HALF HOURS!)

We shall keep yoo posted az events unfold ower the next few days!

Sunday 17 February 2013

GATESHEED FC***A SORRY STATE OF AFFAIRS!

Posted '10:00am bells' Sunday 17th February 2013

Grainy action from The Heed against The Toon resorves
in a pre season friendly last August @ Gatesheed Stadium
The Toon's Connor Newton heeds past The Heed keeper!
(The Toon won 4-1)

Although this website iz mainly aboot NUFC, we do keep a lookoot for the otha Tyneside based non leegue teams and wor attention iz drawn to the sorry plight of Conference side Gatesheed FC in particular.
Unable to play home games at the Gatesheed International Stadium because of the state of the pitch, 'The Heedbangers' have been forced to move at least SEVEN games to 'Monkey Hangers Land' in Hartlepool!

They DID ask NUFC if they could use St James' Park for one of their games but were not suprizingly torned doon az 'The Toon' won't even let wor OWN reserves play there for fear of damagin' the pitch!

TEN of their last ELEVEN home games have had to be postponed and a home FA Trophy tie against Barrow had to be switched to their home groond instead (which Gatesheed lost!)

With average gates doon to the 500/600 mark in the soulless 11,000 seater bowl we fear the worst! 
Just how many of 'The Heedbangers' that still gan will make the 7 times 60 mile roond trip to The Victoria Groond???
'The Geordie Times' will make an effort to gan to at least one of those games which will meen that we will have actually seen them play home games on FOWER different groonds!

The other three are: Redheugh Park (now demolished), The Gatesheed International Stadium and (believe it or not!?) St James' Park!
(When wor resorves used to play at Gatesheed Stadium, the then NUFC directors kindly let Gatesheed use St James' for one Conference game when one of their games clashed with an athletics meeting a few years ago!  (v Yeovil Toon)

'Heed' games to be played @ The Victoria Groond:
Tue 19th Feb 7:45 Wrexham
Sat 2nd Mar 3:00 Braintree
Tue 19th Mar 7:45 H/ford<("I hate them that much I carnt bring myself to type their full name!")
Tue 26th Mar 7:45 Grimsby
Sat 30th Mar 3:00 Soothport
Tue 9th Apr 7:45 Nuneaton
Tue 16th Apr 7:45 Stockport

Saturday 16 February 2013

FUTBAALL ON TYNESIDE TODAY

Updated '7:15pm bells' Saturday 16th February 2013

Az we have yet anotha blank weekend due to wor exit from the FA Cup at the thord roond stage there are quite a few games gannin' on in the Tyneside area for yoo to get your 'fix', includin:

The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston v Newton Aycliffe @ Federation Park (aka UTS Stadium)<"The Geordie Times' will be here!"  (Aycliffe won 2-0)
 ACTION FROM DUNSTON (Blue) v AYCLIFFE

Hebburn v Penrith @ Hebburn Sports Groond (Penrith won 4-1)

Newcastle Benfield v Guisborough @ Sam Smiths Park (a thrillin' 4-4 draw!)

Whitley Baywatchers v Billy Synners @ Hillheads (The Bay won 2-1)

Jarrow Roofers v Chester Le Street Toon @ Boldon Sports Groond (Jarrow won 6-1)

North Shields v Esh Winning @ Daren Persson Stadium (Shields won 2-1)

West Allotment Celtic v Whitehaven @ Blue Flames, Benton (West won 1-0)

Aall games are '3 bells' kick offs in 'The Northern Leegue'

THE SKY AT NIGHT!---A WARNING FROM PATRICK MOORE!

Posted  'high noon bells' Saturday 16th February 2013




SOMEWHERE IN THE UKRAINE!
"BEWARE OF METEORITES @ METALIST!"





Yesterday 'Shaz the Postie' delivered mee prized Metalist away ticket and in the envelope there waz a fower page 'travel advice' letter tellin' us the pitfaalls of Karkiv, like: "Do NOT take photographs in the vicinity of government or military establishments!" <(unless yoo want to end up in a salt mine in deepest Siberia that iz!)
"State medical facilities are generally poor!" <(so divvint take ill!---whatever yi de!)

"Be alert to the possibility of street crime and petty thefts and avoid walking alone at night in  dark unlit streets as foreigners may appear to be lucrative targets!"<(ie: stay in your hotel, lock and barricade the door and miss the match!) 

Wot iz NOT mentioned however! iz the danger of bein' hit by a meteorite or asteroid, az one fell from the sky last night and injured 500 people in nearby Rushaa! 

So!-- keep a close eye on the sky when you're there (especially at night!) for any 'stray' lumps of rock the size of  futbaall pitches! 
"YOO HAVE BEEN WARNED!"

Friday 15 February 2013

THE TOON 0 THE METAL GURUS 0

Updated '10:25am bells' Friday 15th February 2013
THE TOON ATTACK 'THE LEAZES END' 
DURIN' THE 1st HALF (view from row Y)

Wor predictions of a sub 30,000 crowd in sub zero temperatures didn't materialise az we were just 158 oot! (crowd 30,157!) and the temp waz just above the zero mark az the game kicked off!

Wot we got instead waz SUB standard officials who disallowed TWO Cisse goals, for offside, one of them clearly ONside in the forst half az we attacked The Leazes End and the otha waz a very debatable one @ The Gallowgate End in the second!

We had several chances to sow the game up, but wor star centre forward waz not on his 'metal' against Metalist Karkiv (sic!), az he missed chance after chance!<(last season he wud have put them AALL away!) and the Norwegian officials were against us az well, which (of course!) didn't help!

Cisse's best chance came on the half hour mark when Cabaye played a baall through to him and with anly the keeper to beat he shot straight at him and the golden chance waz gone! (I waz shoutin' at him: "Bankrupt me!", in antisipation of havin' to gan to Rushaa in the next roond az I waz sure he would score!) (Anji (from Rushaa) had beat Hannover 3-1 in an orly kick off and we would play the winners of that tie---shud WE progress to the next roond!)


The forst disallowed goal came soon after this when Sissoko waz deemed to be offside by the linesman az he laid on Cisse who slotted the baall home!
Sissoko himself, aalso had a great chance to give us the lead before the break but he waz denied by poor finishin'! 

The 500 or so Metalist fans in the Leazes corner were in good voice az the second half commenced and many of them removed their tops and danced bare chested in the 'heatwave'<(they're more used to temperatures of minus FIFTEEN to TWENTY in the Ukraine!  
METALIST FANS IN THE FAR CORNER
(MANY OF THEM SHIRTLESS!)
SHOW THEIR TRUE COLOURS!

Time after time glorious chances were missed by Cisse and co. to win the tie @ The Gallowgate End with anotha Cisse effort ruled offside by the flag wavin' official!

Frustated Toon fans in 'The Strawberry Corner' then set off 'smuggled in' flares and smokebombs which drifted through the night sky above the pitch (and ne doubt chocked quite a few in 'The Gallowgate' and East Stand! (we were thankfully in 'The Leazes' 'smoke-free' zone!)
GREEN? FOG ON THE TYNE!

A goal-less draw waz the final result givin' the visitors 'advantage' for the second leg in a weeks time, but a 0-0 scoreline iz better than 1-1 or 2-2 under the away goals rule!

Toon team: Krul, Yanga-Mbiwa, Steve Taylor, Coloccini, Santon, Obertan (Marveaux 61), Cabaye, Tiote (Shola Ameobi 79), Gutierrez, Sissoko, Cisse

Attendance: 30,157 (Officially 570 Metal Gurus in away section, plus a couple of others who we spotted in The East Stand!)   

Thursday 14 February 2013

THE TOON v THE METAL GURUS ***TOONEET!

Updated '11:50am bells' St Valentines Day 2013
"ONLY ONE LOVE!---NUFC!"
("Er!"---"apart from 'wor lass'---like!")

"IT'S JUST LIKE WATCHIN' BRAZIL!"

The Toon are expected? to name a near full strength team for this Europa Leegue 'St Valentines Day' game @ St James' Park, thanx mainly to gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup at the thord roond stage, az we have a free weekend comin' up az it's 'fifth roond day(s)'!

The wethaa isn't too canny at the minute, (although it isn't az caad az it waz yesterday!) but the 500 Metalist fans who have been given FREE travel by their very generous club owner on three chartaa flights,< (take note 'Fat Controller'!) can expect 'Ukrainian style wethaa' at tooneets game az the 'current bun' disappears ower the horizon! (ie: it will be freeezin' caad with the chance of snow!)

The game iz live on ESPN and kicks off @ '8:05 bells' and we predict a sub 30,000 crowd in the sub zero temperatures!

Wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' haz made a bizzare statement aboot this competition: "This is probably the toughest competition we are in other than the Premier League!"
When you consider that we are anly left in these TWO competitions anyway, havin' been knocked oot of the 'lesser' Leegue Cup and the FA Cup, <(accordin' to him!) IZ he tryin' to tell us somethin'?

Wor visitors of course have been here for a week to acclimatize  and played a practise friendly against Whitley Bay (of aall teams!) on Sunday in which they drew 1-1 with the Northern Leegue side!<(don't for a second be fooled by this scoreline!)
We won't speculate on wor 'near full strength' team line up toneet,<(We'll just have to wait and see!) but we understand that Metalist will have SIX Brazilianz in their side and THREE Argentinianz!

This will be wor 71st home game in aall European competitions <(includin' 6 in the Anglo-Italian Cup) and 142nd game in total <(13 Anglo-Italian Cup games!)
Lets hope it's a 'St Valentines Day' 'massacre'<(in WOR favour!!!)

PS: Wor possible opponents in the next roond, (shud we get through!?) are Anji Makhachkala of Rushaa or Hannover 96 of Jawmany, who play @ '5 bells' toneet @ Anji.
We can anly hope that Hannover 'get through', az the trip to Rushaa cud be a nightmare, az visas will be required at very short notice, priced at £150 from their London embassy! ---we understand!
"HOWAY HANNOVER!"

Match report to follow much later az usual!

Wednesday 13 February 2013

TWO MORE FIXTURE CHANGES FOR LIVE TELLY!

Posted '7:15pm bells' Wednesday 13th February 2013

Two more fixtures in April have been moved for live telly---wor home games against the SMBs which will now take place @ '12:45 bells' on Saturday 13th April for SKY telly and the Liverbirds game which will kick off @ '5:30 bells' on Saturday 27th April for ESPN!

It shud be noted that if eetha 'US' or the Liverbirds reach the semis of the Europa Leegue than that game will be moved once again!

For aall the NUFC fixtures click onto 'fixtures' @ the top of the page toolbar 

Tuesday 12 February 2013

UKRAINE ON THE PLANE AND SOOTH WALES ON THE TRAIN!!

Updated '9:45am bells' Wednesday 13th February 2013

'THE GIANT SPIDER STADIUM'!---F.C. METALIST KARKIV 

The NUFC Thomas Cook chartaa trip to The Ukraine next week iz now virtually full with just FIVE seats left on the plane to fill az we write this!----SO!--- if yi thinkin' of bookin up, de it now before it's tooo late!---(£399 plus match ticket price!) Fone them on: 0844 800 9900

The direct flight to Karkiv departs from Toon Airport @ '6 bells' next Wednesday mornin', retornin' to Toon Airport @ '1:45 bells' on the Friday mornin'! (one neet stay)

Meenwhile doon in the Welsh valleys we hear that we are to be allocated a paltry ONE THOOSAND!(1,000) tickets for wor visit to Swanzee at the beginnin of next month???
In theeze circumstances NUFC have annoonced that 50 loyalty points (thoze of us who have been to a minimum of 50 away games!) will be required to porchase a 'prized ticket' for this game!

THE TOON v THE METAL GURUS ***THIS THORSDAY NEET @ ST JAMES'!

Posted '9:40am bells' Tuesday 12th February 2013








On Thorsday neet @ '8:05 bells' we face Metalist from Karkiv which is the 2nd city of the Ukraine behind the capital Kiev.
(The game iz live on ESPN)

This will be The Toon's 71st home game in European competitions (includin'  six in the Anglo-Italian Cup)

It's been reported that 'The Metal Gurus' are to give FREE air travel to their fans and that an estimated 500 have taken up this very generous offer!<(ARE yoo reedin' this 'Fat Controller'!?)

We are not sure wot kind of team we will send oot yet, but the fact that we divvint have a game next weekend <(because we are oot of the FA Cup!) then a stronger than normal 'NUFC European X1' side iz predicted by us!
The next game after this iz actually the retorn leg in the Ukraine a week later!

However!---after that game we do have a vital leegue fixture against Sooothampton @ St James' Park in a '1:30 bells' start and a weakened team iz predicted for the away leg!

Monday 11 February 2013

"WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET!"

Posted '9:40am bells' Monday 11th February 2013

Results ower the weekend, coupled with wor defeat at Sporz on Saturday, meen that we drop doon a place and are now once again just fower points above 'the abyss'!

We have ne leegue games now until we play Soothampton a week on Sunday @ St James'. Instead there's the little matter of two games against Metalist Karkiv in the Europa Leegue to play this Thorsday @ St James' and then in the Ukraine a week later.
Metalist anly drew 1-1 against Northern leegue side Whitley Bay! yesterday in a practice friendly @ Hillheads in front of a 722 crowd, but divvint take that az an omen for Thorsday, az a'm sure they'll put on a better show against us!

Gettin' back to the Premya Leegue, HALF the teams in it are fightin' to avoid 'the abyss' 

The latest Premya Leegue table (bottom)
Aall teams have played 26 games
(Teams are in 'Geordie Times cryptic code' to avoid copyright!) (see top tool bar for clues---and click onto 'CLUB NICKNAMES A to Z' 

11 The Jellied Eels Mob***30 points
12 The Wacko Jacko Jivers***29
13 SMBs***29
14 The Canary Custards***29
15 Sooothampton***27
16 THE TOON***27
17 The Hazbeenz and Villians***24
'THE ABYSS'!
18 The Biscuitmen***23
19 The Blue Wigs***21
20 'appy 'arrys Rag and Bone Men Rangers***17


Saturday 9 February 2013

SPORZ 2 THE TOON 1

Posted '10:00pm bells' Saturday 9th February 2013
THE TOON (IN MAROON!) ATTACK THE SPORZ
GOAL NEAR THE END OF THE 2nd HALF
(View from row 6 of the corner upper tier)

We've just this minute retorned from norf Landan after wor match @ White Hart Lane and I have ti tell yoo that we were unlucky to lose this game due to one Sporz players in particular who gans by the name of Bale!

The home side started off the brighter az they attacked 'The Park Lane End' and shud have took the lead az orly az the forst minute when a centre across the box thankfully failed to find a Sporz boot and we got away with it!
We wernt so lucky just fower mins later, however, when Bale struck a free kick which had been conceded by Coloccini on the edge of the box and hiz shot beat Tim Krul to give the home side the lead!

But we didn't wilt like we did last season (we lost 5-0!) and fought back this time and were rewarded some 20 minutes later with a goal from 'Frenchy' Yoan Gouffran who fired in a shot which seemed to take a deflection of a Sporz player and in the confusion their keeper waz wrang footed and the baall spun past him into the net to send the 1,750 Toon fans wild with delight at the other end of the pitch! 

We held wor own in the 2nd period but went behind again to anotha Gareth Bale goal.
He took advantage of mistakes by Coloccini and Steve Taylor to race clear and with anly Tim Krul to beat the 'on fire' Welshman placed hiz shot carefully to restore their advantage!

We tried in vain to come back and despite EIGHT minutes of stoppage time, due mainly to a bad injury on Gouffran (who had to be stretchered off!) we couldn't break doon their defence again and the game waz lost!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Santon, Cabaye, Perch (Tiote 81), Gutierrez (Shola Ameobi 85), Sissoko, Gouffran (Marveaux 57), Cisse 

Attendance: 36,244 <(Sporz highest of the season!) (1,750 Toon fans)

Friday 8 February 2013

SPORZ v THE TOON *****TOMORROW!

Posted '9:20pm bells' Friday 8th February 2013
"ONE OF THE 'GOLD DUST' TICKETS!"

We face Sporz @ White Hart Lane tomorrow @ anotha ridiculous 'SKY telly' kick off time of '12:45 bells' just to make sure that we've got to get oot of wor 'pits' @ an ungodly hour to get there! (In my case '2:30am bells' for a '4:00am bells' departure!)

Because we didn't naa exactleee when we'd be playin' them, aa waz reluctant to take the chance and book a train for orly Saturday in case they changed the game to a Sunday---so aa waited til the game waz conformed!
By this time the fares were 'eye waaterin' prices and so a'm 'slummin it' on the 'cheap bus'! (£40!)

Ironically, the trains back from King's Cross are NOT *DRY this time and alcopops, meths! etc. can be consumed on the retorn jorney!
This will be the forst time this season that the trains are not dry from London and the forst time that 'little old me' will NOT be able to enjoy a 'tipple or ten' afta several DRY runs!<(just my f*****' luck!)
(*Dry=no alcohol allowed!)

The game iz a selloot to Toon fans with a paltry 1,750 tickets taken for the away section. Wetha this iz NUFCs decision or that of Sporz iz not known, but iz a disgracefully inadequate amoont of tickets, especially az we have a large numbers of exiled Geordies who live in 'the smoke'!

Just like us, Sporz are on a 'high' and to be porfectlee honest with yoo, I will be very happy with a point from this game!<(we shall see!)

Az a'v got to get up orly in the mornin' a'm now retirin' to mee 'pit' for a few hours shuteye!
"Time for bed said Zebedee!" "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

Full match report to follow much later---probableee on Sunday sometime!



*For an archive groond report from mee forst ever visit to White Hart lane nearly 40 years ago---scroll doon this page! 

"IT'S A LOCKOOOT!***AGAIN!?"

Updated '3:33pm bells' Friday 8th February 2013
"NO ENTRY TO TOON FANS!"

For the second home game in a row The Toon U21 resorve side played a game behind closed doors @ Darsley Park, Benton this afternoon against 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke'
'The Geordie Times' haz said this before!---(and we'll say it again!)>Just wot benefit iz there in playin' in a field in front of ne spectators apart from a couple of dozen club officials, family and press, when theeze kids cud be hoyed in at 'the deep end' in front of 50,000 plus, shud they be needed in the future?

There's a gap of twelve days between the Chelski and Metalist home games, so why couldn't they have arranged it to be played @ St James' to give the players at least some much needed 'stadium expierience' and let the fans watch the kids?
Az it iz, we had to rely (once again!) on wor faithful carrier pigeon 'Porcy' to fly ower the action to bring yoo this excluusive match report, which haz just 'winged' it's way to us!

The Toon U21 resorves 3
'The P*ss Potts of Stoke U21 resorves 0

"Coo!-Coo!" "The Toon took the lead through new boy Massadio Haidra in the 14th minute with a low shot which beat their keeper!"
"The lead waz doubled qwaata of an hour later when Adam Campbell struck a shot which reboonded off one of their defenders and it went straight into the net!"

"With just ten mins gone in the 2nd half we were three up from an 18 yard effort by Jon Quinn and that's the way it stayed til the final whistle!"
"Cooooo!" 
 

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