Saturday 31 December 2011

THE LIVERBIRDS 3 THE TOON 1

Posted '10:00 am bells' New Years Eve 2011
AT 44 QUID A TICKET--A VIEW NOT! TO DIE FOR!


You just KNEW it wud aall gan wrang when wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' said in the 'Ronny Gill', "WE'RE ALSO  ONE OF THE BIG BOYS", comparin' us to the Man U's and Liverpool's of this world and of course it went 'tits up' @ Anfield! 

Haris Vuckic was a suprize inclusion in the Toon's line up at the expense of Leon Best in midfield.

For the forst 20 minutes it was a dull affair with both teams findin' their feet, but then in the 25th minute a 'miracle' happened!----WE SCORED!
Attackin' The Anfield Road End where the Toon fans were housed, Ryan Taylor hoyed a great cross in for Yohan Cabaye to heed on and it looked as though Demba Ba aalso got a touch as the baall flew into the net for wor forst goal here for ower SEVEN YEARS!

It was awkward to see from wor crap vantage point in row 31 in the corner of the stand (see photo) as the sight lines are not very good here, but the stadium annooncer conformed that Demba had got wor goal!---or so we thought? (later to be given as an own goal)

Anyway!--The Toon fans were still celebratin' when just fower minutes later @ 'The Kop End', one of wor three ex players in the Liverbirds side, knaan affectionatally to Toon fans az 'The Poison Dwarf' (NO!--not Andy Pandy!--he's ower six foot taall!) scored the equaliser to dampen wor 'Chris'miss spirit'!
It was one's each at half time

The home side piled on the pressure in the second period and this paid off for them when a dodgy lookin' free kick from 30 yards oot was taken by 'The Poison Dwarf' and his effort deflected off Danny Simpson and into the net to put us behind!

Andy Pandy was gettin' some serious stick from the Toon fans and he responded to this by crashin' a heeder off wor cross bar, but thankfully it rebounded back into play!

It was game ower in the 78th minute when that curse of NUFC Steven Gerrard came off the subs bench and promptly sealed the match for them, with a shot across the box which flew into the corner of Tim Krul's goal!
(he aalways scores against us!)

Neva mind!--there's aalways that easy home game against another "One of the big boys!", Man U next Wednesday!--isn't there!? 
Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, R Taylor (Santon 46), Obertan (Sammy Ameobi 84), Tiote, Cabaye, Gutierrez, Vuckic (Ben Arfa 65), Ba
Attendance: 44,372 (The Liverbird's lowest of the season, even though the match waz a 'selloot'?)(2,000 Toon fans)


PS: If yoo still cannit work oot just who 'The Poison Dwarf' iz, he once had an altercation with 'Big Al', wor record goal scorer and came off worse!
Does this ring a BELL!?

Friday 30 December 2011

THE LIVERBIRDS v THE TOON---TONEET!

Updated '10:10 am bells Friday 30th December 2011
"IT'S A LOCKOOT @ ANFIELD!"
(View of The Kop from Venice Street!---spot the gondola!)

We're off to 'Mickey Mouserland' yet again toneet for wor last game of 2011 and are quietlee confident of gettin' a goal at least! (reeed on!)

The good news iz that Luis Suarez, who faces an eight game ban for racial insults iz aalso banned for this one due to leud hand gestures to Fulham fans orlier this month!

The bad news iz!---we havvent even scored a goal here since December 2004!---That's SIXTEEN goals for them and NONE for us! AND! a 'certain' Andy 'yee naa who'? will ne doubt replace Suarez in the Liverbirds attack!

We've (not suprizingly!) sold wor full allocation of anly two thoosand tickets for the Anfield Road lower tier and the game iz a complete selloot!

This TWICE rescheduled game iz live on 'Sky' and kicks off @ '7:45 bells'

Defender Mike Williamson has definatly made a big difference since he made his come back against Bolton and the probable? NUFC team line up iz az follows:
Krul, Simpson, Colocicini, Williamson, R Taylor, Obertan, Tiote, Cabaye, Gutierrez, Ba, Best?  (not sure aboot Ben Arfa, Davide Santon or Dan Gosling, who iz back from suspension?) (wait and see!)

We are leavin' at dinnertime in 'The Batmobile' and shud be in 'The Clock' dive bar just doon the road from Everton's groond at aroond 'fower bells'!? (That's if it hazzent been 'boarded up' since the last time we were here!)

Az usual, match report to follow much later when we get back! (sometime on News Years Eve!?)
Remember!---The Geordie Times will bring yoo the news, second hand,forst!

Thursday 29 December 2011

BELIEVE IT!---OR NOT!

Posted '3;30 pm bells' Thorsday 29th December 2011
THE BACK PAGE OF TONEETS 'RONNY GILL'

We are aboot to lose wor top goalscorer Demba Ba who will be on African Nations Cup duty for TWO MONTHS.
Demba has scored 14 of wor 25 leegue goals this season and so it's evidently obvious that we need a proven striker to replace him while he's away.

In November on Radio Newcastle, and in response to this, wor 'beloved'? MD 'Llambs To The Slaughter' said!: (and I quote!)
"We have had an exeptional year!---We need to bring in a STRIKER in January!"

In todays 'Ronny Gill', manager, 'I Beg Your Pardew' said!: (and I quote!)
"We do lose Demba for two months, but to try and get a striker late in the day now, after Maiga has fallen down (the striker we were after) would be "RECKLESS!"
"I don't think there's as much calling for a striker as there was last year!" (how come there was in November then?)

Instead Pardew reiterated that his first priority once the transfer window opens is a---DEFENDER! as Steven Taylor is out for the rest of the season! ("Er!"--why divvint we sign a defender AND a STRIKER az well then???----(we still have the £35million from the sale of Andy Pandy, plus season ticket money etc!)  

Conclusion:
The club say one thing one moment and then conveniently!---they completely forget wot they've said in their next statement a month later!
They must aall have, or think that WE must aall have!---Alzheimer's!!??

Now?--wot did I say again?, a moment ago????

A BAD CASE OF FOOT AND MOUTH!

Posted '9:30 am bells' Thorsday 29th December 2011

An angry Owen Coyle, the beleagered Bolton boss came oot with a brilliant quote in hiz post match press conference on Boxin' Day after their 2-0 defeat against The Toon.

Quote:
"When you shoot youself in the foot as we did, it leaves a bad taste in the MOUTH!" 

There's ne answer to that one!---iz there???

Wednesday 28 December 2011

SEVEN HEAVEN!

Posted '11:10 am bells' Wednesday 28th December 2011
The Cris'miss games have aall been played nuw in the Premya Leegue and the good news iz that whatever happens on Friday neet at Liverpool we cannot gan into the new year any lower than seventh place in the table!

Indeed! shud we actually beat 'The Liverbirds' then we will gan above them in the leegue and shud 'The Arse' lose az well, we will be equal fifth with them at the torn of the year!
Who wud ever of thought that in August!?


PREMYA LEEGUE TABLE (top 8 @ 28/12/11)

1 Blue Moonies--45 points
2 Cockney Reds--45
3 Sporz------------38
4 Chelski OAP's--34
5 The Arse--------33
6 Liverbirds-------31
7 THE TOON----30
8 Pulis P*ss Pots-25

Tuesday 27 December 2011

FOR THE BENEFIT OF GEORDIE EXILES!

Updated '10:30 pm bells' Tuesday 27th December 2011
BEN ARFA (CENTRE OF PICTURE IN BLACK) SCORES
 THE TOON'S FORST GOAL

For the benefit of wor owerseas reeeders, a'v put the goals online from the Bolton game yesterday,  as well az the heedline news on the back page of  Tuesday neets 'Ronny Gill'
AZ THE PICTURE CAPTION CLEARLY STATES---
DEMBA BA (LYIN' JUST INSIDE 6 YARD BOX) GET'S
THE TOON'S SECOND GOAL

In the last day alone 'The Geordie Times' haz had 18 hits from both the Philippines and wor old friends in the USA and 9 hits from Singapore az well az hits from Greece, India, The Republic of Ireland, Australia, Malta and France amongst others, plus of course the many Geordie exiles in aall corners of the UK!
ALAN SHEARER PRAISES THE 5,000 TOON FANS

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year to yoo aall!

THE BACK PAGE OF TONEETS 'RONNY GILL'---
BEN ARFA THANKS THE TOON FANS
FOR THEIR SUPPORT FOR HIM


COPYRIGHT WARNING!
'The Geordie Times' iz unda strict copyright and az yoo can clearly see, the BBC haz nicked some of wor material WITHOOT! permission!-----Wor solicitors 'Gannaway and BoilYiheed' are on the case!

Monday 26 December 2011

NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON,WANDERERS 0 THE TOON 2

Updated '12:30 pm bells' Tuesday 27th December 2011

BOXIN' CLEVER!
THE MOMENTS JUST BEFORE BEN ARFA'S GOAL! 
The 23 year old 'curse' of not winnin' an away game on Boxin' Day iz ower at last!

Playin' in wor 'AALL BLACKS' away strip, a dour forst half ended goalless and if I were an armchair viewer of this utter garbage I wud have been pressin' the 'OFF' button on the remote control!

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"FROM THE DEPTH'S OF DISPAIR!" (end of 1st half!)

However!---the second period torned oot to be much better and the deadlock was finally broken halfway through the half when 'super sub' Ben Arfa blasted a great left footer home in front of the delirious Toon faithful after a great cross from Ryan Taylor.
We were still celebratin' that goal when just two minutes later we doubled wor lead when Demba Ba (who else!?) poked the baall into the top corner of the net, givin' Bolton goalie (deep breath!) Jussie Jaaskelainen! ne chance.

Wanderers didn't have an answer to this and they went doon to their EIGHTH home defeat oot of nine, but more importantleee, wor 'Xmas curse' was well and truely lifted!
"TO UNBRIDLED JOY!" (end of 2nd half!)

Toon team:
Krul, Simpson, Colloccini, Williamson, R Taylor, Obertan(Shola Ameobi 85), Tiote, Cabaye (Perch 88), Gutierrez, Ba, Best (Ben Arfa 61)
Attendance:26,080 (Bolton's highest of season) (5,000 relieved Toon fans!)
(Some papers give the Toon followin' az 4,000, but there were at least 1,000 in the Bolton sections)

"Liverpool!---Liverpool!--- here we come!" (Friday!)


BOLTON--"Er!"--'HORWICH PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE' REPORT!

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THE FORST 'WAATERIN HOLE' ON WOR HORWICH PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE LIST!

We arrived in good time at wor 'local', namely 'The Bromilow Arms' which iz a good qwaata of an hours waalk from the groond in Horwich, (we come here every year!) and unusually at twenty past eleven the bar was completly empty!
This was because it had apparently been shut for 8 months and had just re-opened and the assumption was that the Wanderers fans didn' t naa this and had went somewhere else for a 'gargel' after their SIX mile trek from Bolton! (hence the name 'Ne Where Near Bolton', Wanderers!)

Drastic plastic glasses were the order of the day and when aa complained aboot this to the 'santa clad barmaid', that in previous years it had been 'propa' glasses, she telt iz that it was on 'police orders'! (and a merry Xmas to the Lancashire Dibbles!) (not!)

Az there iz ne where else to gan coz most of the few pubs in the area are  for 'home fans only' we had ne choice but to 'grin and bear it' for the next three hours, where a gallon of John Smith's was consumed! (for medicinal porposes yoo understand!
THE LAST 'WAATERIN HOLE ON WOR HORWICH PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE LIST!

It makes yoo glad that the Toon is 'blessed' with pubs with 'glass' glasses and away fans are welcome anywhere! ("Er!"---apart from SMB's ---like!)

It was then time to heed for the match! (see report above)

'NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON', WANDERERS v THE TOON---BOXIN' DAY!

Posted '7:30 am bells' Boxin' Day 2011
"THEN!"---"SPOT THE STEAM TRAIN!"

Today we travel to the village of Horwich to watch The Toon against Bolton who moved here from their old toon centre groond in 1997
The Reebok iz actually closer to Wigan toon centre than Bolton toon centre, which iz some six miles distant to the south! (hence the name 'Ne Where Near Bolton' Wanderers!)

The above photo iz a brilliant nostalgic one from the 1950's when they played at Burnden Park and shows a steam train at the appropriateleee named 'Railway Embankment End' where the visitin' fans used to be housed.
On my forst visit there in 1976 for an FA Cup 5th roond match, some 15,000 Toon fans were packed onto the open standin' terrace 'like sardines' and mee overidin' memory iz of 'Supermac' scorin' two fantastic goals in a 3-3 thriller!
"AND NOW!"---"SPOT THE FORD FOCUS!"

We've got 4,000 @ The Reebok today! and the probable team line ups are as follows for the '3 bells' start.
We leave in an hours time @ '8:30 bells' in 'The Caped Crusaders' 'Batmobile' and hopefully we will have some 'Christmas cheer' to celebrate in 'The Geordie Times' match report later on toneet!?
WATCH THIS SPACE!

Sunday 25 December 2011

GROUND NUMBER 015 (NOT!) LEEDS AWAY BOXIN' DAY 1970

Ground Zero!
Date of first visit: Boxin' Day 1970!
Elland Road, Leeds (not!) (would have been groond number 15 if a'd actually seen the match!)

Leeds United 3
Newcastle United 0

(Old) Division 1
Attendance: 46,758 (includin' ME and a few others who were 'carted off' to hospital before the match!)


"WELCOME TO ST JAMES'----HOSPITAL!"

It's takin me 41 years to write this, az Elland Road iz a nightmare groond az far az a'm concorned, mainly due to the fact that aalthough aa was in the groond TWO HOURS before the kick off aall those years ago, aa never actually saw the match!---lerriz explain!

Mee memoreez a bit faded nuw through the passage of time, but a'v been reliably informed by an old mate Dylan, that the bus left Scarfell Gardens in Lobley Hill full to the brim with 'Lobleyhillbillies' and full to the brim with drink, even though most of us were underage on this ill fated Boxin' Day outin' to Yorkshire (me and Dylan were sixteen at the time----we're nearly SIXTY! now!)

The bus was an aad wreck and was aboot forty years old as we set off doon the old 'A1' towards Leeds. On arrival we parked up near 'The Tama Shanter' pub in the city centre and (literally!) fell off the busand into the bar!

The intention was to 'take' 'The Geldherd End' which was the notorious Leeds 'hard end' and after a few 'liquid refreshments' to 'get us in the mood' we heeded for the groond with otha Toon fans who we met off the train @ '12:30 bells' and by one 'o' clock aroond aboot 300 of us had took up wor places reet in the middle of 'The Geldherd'.

Not suprizingly there were ne Leeds fans there at this time and we sang the old 'Leazes End boot boy songs' to pass the time as there was still nearly two hours to kick off.

Then it aall 'kicked off'---NOT the match I may add, but the fightin', as within half an hour of us infiltratin' 'their end' the Leeds 'nutters' torned up and in a 'pincer movement' from both sides they suddenly charged at us causin' mayhem as they ootnumbered us by at least 'three to one' and we 'scattered doon the terraces'!

 People were gettin' 'a good bootin' just behind me and in the crush aa got mee left leg stuck behind a metal crash barrier, and then!----aall of a sudden mee leg bent roond the barrier and the barrier collapsed breakin' mee leg between me knee and mee ankle (it still makes me 'wince' today, thinkin' aboot it!)
Mee leg was numb and aa even tried to stand up on it, but it gave way and aa collapsed in agony on the terraces! Alang with a few otha Toon fans aa was 'carted off' on a stretcher to an ambulance which took me to ST JAMES' HOSPITAL in Leeds, of aall places! where a full length plaster cast was put on mee leg after aa was 'knocked oot' with anaesthetic!

aa missed the match of course, which we lost 3-0! and the next day mee faatha and uncle Norman came doon in his 'jam jar' to take me yem and this remains the ANLY groond that a'v actually been to and NOT seen the match!

I was an apprentice sign maker with 'Pearce Signs' on the Team Valley at the time and when the plaster finally came off after SIX MONTHS! (it was a very bad break!) aa went back to work but was 'paid off' because a'd missed so much trainin' and was telt by mee gaffer that oot of the three apprentices who had been taken on, I, unfortunatally was 'gettin the bullet' coz work was a bit slack!

The next game after mee leg break was against Ipswich at home in the FA Cup and mee dad managed to gerriz a ticket for the old 'West Stand' an' aa sat there in an aisle seat with mee full length plaster as aa watched us win 1-0.
For the rest of the season aa stood in the old 'Leazes End' on crutches and aa never missed a game! (how daft iz that!?)

It wasn't until 'the Hillsborough disaster' nineteen years later, when aall those Liverpool fans were seriously injured or crushed to death that aa realised when the crush barriers collapsed, that aa realised just how lucky aa actually was not to suffer the same fate!

The wreck of a bus, incedently, broke doon on the way back from Leeds and they had to get oot and give it a push as the driver tried to 'bumb start' it!---they JUST! made it back!---unlike me of course!

'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Footnote:
'Pearce Signs' who aa'd lost mee job with, made the new 'Newcastle United' sign for the main entrance of the rebuilt West Stand in 1988!
("If only!")   




Friday 23 December 2011

EUROPEAN & WORLD AVERAGE GATES 2011-2012 (TOP 20)

Updated '8:30 pm bells' Friday 23rd December 2011

The Geordie Times haz been workin' feverishly to bring yoo the latest average gates from Europe and aroond the world.
Az Europe haz the top 20 crowds anyway, this meenz that they aalso have the top 20 crowds in the world az well! (believe it or not!)
The Toon have moved up FOWER! places in the
latest list from 16th to12th position in the world, thankx mainly to the fact that wor last 4 crowds have topped the 50,000 mark.
(Up to and includin' 22nd  December  2011)


1 Barcelona--------84,000
2 B Dortmund-----80,365
3 Man U------------75,524
4 Real Madrid-----72,271
5 B Munich--------61,333
6 The Arse---------59,981
7 Stuttgart----------57,047
8 Schalke 04-------54,140
9 Hertha Berlin----53,221
10 Ajax-------------50,934
11 Celtic------------49,372
12 THE TOON---48,484
13 Man City--------47,000
14 Koln-------------46,556
15 Hamburg--------46,418
16 Rangers---------46,048
17 Hannover-------45,748
18 Borrusia M-----45,129
19 Liverpool-------44,970
20 Inter Milan-----44,625


Country by country
 
  1 Jawmany------9  clubs in top 20
  2 England-------5
=3 Spain----------2
=3 Scotland------2 
= 5 Italy-----------1
= 5 Holland-------1

"WHEY AYE MAAN!"
Footnote: Special thanx to wor friend from 'The Mars Branch', who took the stunnin' photo of the planet Earth last month on hiz mobile phone camera az he retorned yem in hiz flyin' saucer from a recent home game!

Thursday 22 December 2011

THE TOON 2 THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 3

Posted '10:50 am bells' Thorsday 22nd December 2011

This waz an absolutleee devestatin' result for us @ St James' last neet in front of another (unexpected!) 50,000 plus crowd!
We simply didn't get oot of the blocks and WBA took advantage of  some shockin' defendin'  to inflict three 'hammer blow' goals on us!

Haris Vuckic unexpectedly made his forst Premya leegue start for The Toon with both Yohan Cabaye and Dan Gosling oot through suspension.

Goal number one came in the 20th minute @ The Gallowgate End when Peter Odemwinie (hope av spelt that reet?) ootpaced 'Fab' Coloccini to hit a left footer which rebounded of the post and into the net.

Demba Ba then got us back on level torms in the 34th minute when a fantastic right footed free kick on the edge of the box, which flew into the goal @ The Leazes End.

Just before the break the visitors took the lead again when a free kick foond an unmarked Gareth McAuley and he had the simple task of tappin' the baall into the net. (but where were wor defenders?)  

It wasn't until the 81st minute that anotha goal was scored and it was wor 'savior' Demba Ba who again 'saved the day' when his loopin' shot beat Ben Foster in the Baggies goal to level things once again!

However!---wor joy waz short lived and the visitors inflicted the devestatin' last and winnin' goal fower minutes later when Sharner, who was unmarked, sealed their victory when he slotted home with James Perch, a mere spectator, lookin' on helplessly .

That's SIX games and ower SIX weeks since we last won a game, which was on bonfire day against Everton.

Toon team line up: Krul, Simpson, Santon (R Taylor 46), Coloccini, Perch, Tiote, Vuckic, Obertan (Shola Amiobi 72) Ba, Best (Ben Arfa 61) Gutierrez
Attendance: 51,060 (1,000 Baggie Troosers)

Wednesday 21 December 2011

THE TOON v THE BAGGIE TROOSERS---TONEET!

Updated '12:40 pm bells' Wednesday 21st December 2011

"ST JAMES' PARK SINCE 1880---AND AALWAYS WILL BE!"

Toneet we take in The Baggies of WBA in wot iz wor last home game of the year and we can anly hope that 'Santa Claaz' brings us an orly Xmas present in the shape of 3 points to end wor 5 game winless run.

The Hawthorns where the 'Baggie Troosers' play, iz close to my 'pay packet', az I am often at the bakery directly ower the road from their groond, deliverin' and collectin' bread (wud yoo belive!?) to take back to a bakery on the Team Valley in Gatesheed.

Not sure wot the crowd will be toneet? but I'm sure it will be less than the 51,000 at the Swanzee game on Saturday. (especially az it's anly fower days before 'yee naa who' comes doon the chimneee!)

Toon Team news :
PROBABLE TEAM LINE UP'S?
Injury rules oot Steven Taylor, Danny Guthrie and 'Marveaux the Magician', with Yohan Cabaye and Dan Gosling oot, due to suspension.
Ryan Taylor cud be back in the side after missin' the Swanzee game, but we're not 100% certain aboot this?
Kick off iz @ '7:45 bells'

'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge' continues of course and waaterin hole number 51 and forst on wor list this afternoon, will be!---- 'THE FORTH!'  in Pink Lane, which is up the alleyway, just ower the road from 'The Central'

Match and pub crawl report to follow much later! (as per usual!)

The latest edition of the 'BLACK AND WHITE DAFT' fanzine by 'Mad Mick' iz oot nuw and I'm featured (if that's the reet word?) on page 26 aboot mee exploits on Boxin' Day 1970 @ Leeds, when aa broke mee leg before the match!


Issue 7 iz on sale @ THE BACK PAGE SHOP in St Andrews Street (opposite The Newcastle Arms)and aall good Geordie paper shops and aa'll be 'reprintin' mee 'leg break disaster story' online in 'The Geordie Times' on eetha Xmas Eve or Xmas Day.
(the printin' above's IZ! a bit smaall to read!---like!)

Features in this issue include anythin' 'anti-mackem', away days @ Ipswich and Bolton (and Leeds!) plus stories from the 1960's and a tribute to Gary Speed.
@ £2.95 a copy it's a 'canny read'!  

Tuesday 20 December 2011

'DOUBLE SAD' MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS FOR THE FA YOUTH CUP & NORTHUMBERLAND SENIOR CUP DRAWS

Updated '2:40 pm bells' Wednesday 21st December 2011
IT'S WATFORD @ ST JAMES' IN THE NEXT ROOND!


The draw for the fourth roond of the FA Youth Cup waz made @ 'high noon bells' @ Wembley last Friday---and I have to tell yoo that we have been drawn @ HOME to Watford, the team we beat in the 1985 Youth Cup final! (a side that included 'Gazza') 
*It iz nuw conformed that the tie will tek place on Thorsday 19th January 2012 @ St James' Park, kick off '7 bells'

The full draw waz az follows:

Bolton v Soothampton
Charlton v Leicester
Cardiff v Stevenage or Spors
QPR v Everton
Readin' v WBA
Stoke v Brentford
Bornley v Ipswich
Blackborn v Bristol R or Coventry
Swindon v Man C
Forest v Wigan
Norwich v Chelsea
Portsmooth v Swanzee
Man U v Derby
THE TOON v Watford
WHU v Brighton
Peterboro' v Fulham

(ties to be played by Saturday 21st January 2012)

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' 'dream' of a trip to Brighton's new groond will have to be put on hold 'til the next roond at least (the anly groond we havvent been te, of teams left in the competition!)



The draw for the Northumberland Senior Cup  semi finals meeenwhile took place on Saturday and disappointingly---(again!)----we didn't get Team Northumbria away az was hoped, (az we havvent been there eetha!) but instead drew the canines of Bedlington @ home, while Team Northumbria drew Newcastle Benfield at their Coach Lane base! (there's aalways next season---isnt there!?
(both ties to be played by 2nd April 2012)

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TEEEM NORTHUMBRIA AWAY? ---NO GO!

JACKSON JIVER TICKETS ON SALE

Posted '2:30 pm bells' Tuesday 20th December 2011
"THE TOON ARE HERE ON SATURDAY 21st JANUARY!"

Tickets for wor forthcomin' away game against 'The Jackson Jivers of Fulham' in January are nuw on sale to season ticket holders, priced @ £35 for big kids, £25 for zimmerframeites and £15 for sprogs. (25 loyalty points til Thorsday)

Wor sold oot allocations for both Bolton on Boxin' Day and Liverpool on the 30th of this month are conformed az 4,000 for The Reebok and 2,000 for Anfield.

"TWENTY THOOSAND THANKYOOS!"

Posted '9:35 am bells' Tuesday 19th December 2011
"THE GEORDIE TIMES IZ A
NO NONSENSE, NONSENSE BLOG!"
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER---WHEY AYE MAAN!"

The Geordie Times haz just received it's 20,000th 'hit this week!

This 'historic event' actually took place on Saturday mornin' and we thank each and every one of yoo for your support.
One of wor reeders, namely, 'Alex of St George' said to me last week that it was a 'NONSENSE' website and I reeely must take him to task ower this, and I told him that we were in fact a 'NO NONSENSE, NONSENSE WEBSITE', az EVERYTHIN' written is 100% TRUE! az wor friend from Mars can verify! (see above!)
("ER!"---or shud that be a 'NONSENSE, NO NONSENSE WEBSITE???")

Of the 20,000 pageviews in total, aroond 11,000 are from the UK and an amazin' 9,000! are from the rest of the world (and beyond!)

At the start of the year wor 'target' waz to get 10,000 hits by Xmas. This target waz actually achieved on 30th June and to get double that number of pageviews before Santa comes doon the chimneee iz phonominal!

115 countries have now 'logged in' and a very special welcome to wor latest viewers!

"Hello! Bahrain!"----"Hello! Liberia!"----"Hello! Guernsey!"----"Hello! Bahamas!"

Saturday 17 December 2011

THE TOON 0 THE SWAN LAKERS 0

Posted '9:00 pm bells' Saturday 17th December 2011
"ELEVEN IN HEAVEN!"

A goalless draa was the ootcome of todays encoonta @ St James' Park where Swanzee were the visitors.
An East Stand tribute to wor former number 11 Gary Speed waz witnessed by his family on the pitch before the game began and Welsh anthem 'Bread of Heaven' waz sang by a tenor on the pitch 

51,767 were present inside St James' (which incloooded aroond aboot 1,800 Swanzee fans, but there waz ne sign of their mascot 'Cedric The Swan'?) (see below!)

The ref had obviousleee forgot his yellow cards in the forst half az at least three of the visitin' team shud have been booked for dodgy tackles, but the man in 'black n blue' wud have 'non of it'!

In total we had 17 shots  on the visitors goal, (includin' 3 which hit the woodwork!) compared to their 3 off target efforts, but blatant time wastin' ensured that the Welshmen went yem with their FIFTH! goalless draw of the season so far (ne wonder that 'Cedric' neva torned up!)

The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge reached the halfway point when we visited 'Eclipse' @ preciseleee '1:41 pm bells' to record wor 50th boozer! (more to follow on this later!---much!----later!)

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS---TODAY

Updated '10:30 am bells' Saturday 17th December 2011
'CEDRIC THE SWAN' IN FULL FLIGHT!
----"IT DOESNT GET MUCH WORSE THAN THIS FOLKS!"

This afternoon we welcome Swanzee to St James' Park for wot will be an historic day az (see next story below) they will be makin' the langest ever road jorney in top flight history with a roond trip of 717 miles from sooth Wales.
Amongt their travellin' fans will be a 'famous Welsh celebrity? (NO!---NOT Tom Jones or Charlotte Church!) "ER!"----I meen of course 'Cedric the Swan' who iz the club's iconic? mascot (god help them!)
We have absolutleee ne idea wetha Cedric iz flyin' up under 'hiz own steam' or 'slummin it on the supporters bus!???'

Anyway!---enough of that!---the team news for us looks a bit more promisin' and (hopefully!) 'Fab' Coloccini and Mike Williamson will be part of wor defence today (we need them afta wot happened @ Norwich last week!) and the retorn of midfielder Cheick Tiote? and a 50,000 crowd iz antisipated for the third home game in a row.

'THE GEORDIE TIMES' 100 PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE

The 100 pub crawl challenge continues unabated @ 'high noon bells' in 'The Centurion'  which iz reet next to the Central Station. Why not join us for a 'lunchtime liquid' in wot will be 'liquid lubrication location' number 47 on the list!

GARY SPEED REMEMBERED

17 members of Gary Speed's family are expected to attend todays match and fans in the East Stand will hold up cards depictin' Gary's number 11 shirt he wore when he played for us.
"GARY!---WE WILL REMEMBER YOU!---R.I.P!"

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS---HISTORY IN THE MAKIN'!

Posted '10:15 am bells' Saturday 17th December 2011
History will be made today when 'The Swan Lakers' make their forst ever Premya Leegue visit to St James' Park, for this will be the langest ever road jorney between two top flight clubs, since the Futbaall League was formed 123 years ago in 1888!

The team and some fans will ne doubt opt to fly, but most of  their fans will make the 358.5 mile record road jorney in the orly hours of today, which iz the precise distance between the two groonds.
(That's a roond trip of 717 miles!)
We have of course played 'The Swans' previously but this was in the Championship and the aad 2nd Division

The previous record was between worsels and Pompey which iz 345.5 miles from groond to groond. (Soothampton. incidentleee iz 331.8 miles distant!)

Plymouth of course is forther away again at 408.1 miles, but they have NEVA played in the top flight before! (Er!---the way things are gannin, they'll be playin' Gatesheed next season in the Conference!)

Friday 16 December 2011

SMB 'BRAIN-DEAD-DUCK-EGGS'!-----ON TOUR!

Posted '4:15 pm bells' Friday 16th December 2011

The front page (& page 5) of toneets 'Ronny-Gill' sez it aall!

mackem skipper lee blackcattemole and nicklarsehole bendtner, 'bent' some cars in a 'wreckin' spree' in the Chinatoon area of The Toon at aroond '10 pm bells' on Tuesday 6th December and have been charged with CRIMINAL DAMAGE to several vehicles in Stowell Street, which iz not far from St James' Park!
They were apparently arrested last neet at an address in NEWCASTLE!

The question iz!---WHY? do these 'brain-dead duck-eggs' feel the need to come to The Toon to vandalise cars in a wreckin' spree and WHY? do they want to live in Geordieland anyway?, when there iz plenty of perfectlee good accomodation in pennywell, mackemland???
pennywell skyline---parkhurst road!

Thursday 15 December 2011

DID YOO SPOT WOR 'DILIBRATE MISTEAK'!?

Posted '3:20 pm bells' Thorsday 15th Decenber 2011

On Tuesday 
'The Geordie Times' did a report on The Toons resorve match against Bolton Wanabeez.
At the top of the page we gave the date az 133th December 2011 and we were inindated with 'e mails' tellin' us so! ("Whey!---ONE!---anyway!")

This waz a dilibrite mistayk on wor part to try and catch yoo oot!------Az we aall naa there are anly 131 days in December!----WELL SPOTTED!

Tuesday 13 December 2011

THE TOON RESORVES 1---'NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON', WANDERERS RESORVES 1

Posted '11:45 pm bells' Tuesday 133th December 2011
More than eight hours! afta the event 'The Geordie Times' can tell yoo that wor 'second string' drew  'one's a piece' with NWNB Wanderers ('see header') this afternoon @ Darsley Park in the behind closed doors Premier Resorve League game.

The game was played in a gale force wind with sleet and rain comin' doon incessantleee, so it's just az well that we wernt there!---like!

However!-- wor faithful carrier pigeon WAS THERE!---and he haz flown us in this 'special' match report he compiled, az he flew above the action! (whilst gettin' 'knocked off course' on several occasions due to the gales!) 

 MATCH REPORT SPECIAL!

The Toon took the lead in the nineth  minute when Dan Taylor heeded in from a few yards oot aafta fine work from Sam Adjei who crossed a great baall to him.

Halfway through the forst half the skies blackened and the sleet came doon, accompanied by a bitin' wind which made the conditions very difficult indeed (especially for wor pigeon!)

We tried to double wor lead in the second half, but to ne avail, and this was punished just six minutes from the end when Wanderers levelled things through O'Halloran who fired in from close range and the match ended 'aall square'

Divvint forget!---'The Geordie Times' will bring yoo the latest NUFC scores---second hand--first!

FA CUP TICKET and RESORVE NEWS

Posted '7:00 am bells' Tuesday 13th December 2011
Ticket news for wor forthcomin' game against The Tandoori Takeaway Rovers of Blackburn has been brought to us by 'pigeon post'.
Level 7 will NOT be open and fans in theeze section (includin' 'us'!) will have to move somewhere else in the groond as a low crowd is (obviously) antisipated by NUFC.

The lower sections haad 36,000 and az the visitors are expected to bring a 'motorcycle and sidecar load' of fans to the game, they will aalso have to be accommodated somewhere else az well! (probably the away dugoots!)

Ticket prices are a reasonable twenty quid for most sections and twenty five quid for the 'executive areas' like 'The Platinum Club', etc. Zimmerframeites, meeenwhile, are to be charged fifteen quid and sprogs 'a Lady Godiva' to get in!

Season ticket holders have until Thorsday neet to claim their tickets.

In otha news, the resorves play Bolton at Benton this afternoon and as seems to be the norm theeze days, NO fans will be allowed in---so divvint botha tornin' up coz yi WONT GET IN!

'Match report' from 'The Geordie Times' faithful 'carrier pigeon' will follow later toneet (he's gannih fly ower the groond at regular intervals!)

Sunday 11 December 2011

NIGHTMARE IN NORFOLK!

Updated '11:25 pm bells' Sunday 11th December 2011

THE CANARY CUSTARDS 
THE MAGPIES  2
"FORTY FIVE QUID!?---YI HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Anythin' that could have gone wrang, DID gan wrang in this trip to deepest Norfolk.
To cut a very lang story short we lost 4-2---had a nightmare THREE HOUR retorn bus jorney from Norwich to Peterborough, (where we were stuck in traffic for more than an hour in Norwich!) ---and finally to top it aall!-- some drunken idiot fell off the platform in front of the train at Durham Station at midneet, delayin' the train, (which JUST managed to stop before hittin' him!), meenin' that aa missed mee booked taxi yem at 'The Central' and aa finally got yem at 'ONE FIFTEEN bells' this mornin'!

MATCH REPORT

Both 'Fab' Coloccini and Steven Taylor were injured of course, which meant that James Perch and Danny Simpson had to take ower at the centre of wor defence and Davide Santon and Ryan Taylor played at full backs and this proved to be wor undooin'!
Perch defenatllee ISNT a centre half and 'Delias Rhubarb and Custards' took advantage of this and we were on the back foot from the word 'go'!

In the 39th minute the home side took the lead in dubious circumstances when the linesman on wor side of the pitch gave a corner when Toon keeper Tim Krul had definatly kept the baall in.
From the resultin' corner they scored (of course!) to angry protest from the Toon players and fans, who had a clear view of the linesmans mistake as we were dead in line with the goal line in the visitors enclosure.
However!---Demba Ba levelled things bang on half time when he fired home from a Cabaye pass to send the 1,400 Toon fans in the 'expensive end' wild with delight!
Chants of: "FORTY FIVE QUID!---YI HAVIN' A LAFF!", then reverbirated aroond the away end, in reference to the fact that we'd been charged that ridiculous amoont to get in (It's Xmas yi naa, Delia!)

'The Custards' retook the lead in the 59th minute through Holt and just 5 mins later it was 3-1 with an effort from Morrison.
Gosling was then sent off in the 66th minute for a bad tackle and aall looked lost unil Ba pulled another one back for us just 5 mins later  when he stroked the baall home from a Ameobi pass.
Any hope of salvagin' a point were dashed  when Holt got his 2nd for 'The Custards' in the 82nd minute to send us doon to 7th in the table.

And then of course we had the dreaded retorn jorney yem to face! (see above!)

That's just ONE point oot of a possible TWELVE in the last fower games----That unbeaten run looks a distant memory aalready!

Attendance: 26,816 (an aall seater record for Carrow Road) (1,400 Toon fans)

Az so many things went 't*ts up'!, I intend to de a 'Disaster Day Special' aboot the above trip for 'The Mad-Sad Groundhoppers Archive' and hope to have it on line by the end of the week!?---watch this space!

Friday 9 December 2011

DELIAS (EXPENSIVE!) RHUBARB & CUSTARD CRUMBLES v THE TOON---TOMORROW!

Updated '5:45 am bells' Saturday 10th December 2011
"HIC!"--"LETS BE 'AVIN' YER MONEY!---
YER DAFT GULLIBLE GEORDIE B*****DS!"--"HIC!"

Today we travel to Norwich to take on 'Delias Custard Crumbles' @ 3 bells in the Premya Leegue.
News that 'Fab' Coloccini wont make it, is bad news to gan alang with Steven Taylor's injury.
This means that Davide Santon will probably fill in at full back and James Perch will start at centre back in a depleted defence.


The £45 admission iz scandalous for a club the size of Norwich and iz more than we were charged at both Manc clubs last month! (The Toon charged Chelsea fans £36 to get in last week!) 
Where will it aall end???

'The Geordie Times' iz on the 'five to seven bells' train this mornin' to Peterborough and then we have to jump on a F*****' replacement bus sorvice to get us to wor Norfolk destination, whch teks TWO hours! (memo: must take plenty of cans!)

Match report to follow much later when we (eventually!) get back!---probably orly on Sunday mornin'!

GARY SPEED FUNERAL---TODAY

Updated '3:10 am bells' Friday 9th December 2011
"R.I.P. GARY!"

The Funeral of Gary Speed is takin' place this afternoon at St Deiniols village church in Flintshire, where he married Louise.

A 'very private' occasion which is restricted to only close family and friends has been requested by his wife.

A memorial service is to be arranged later. 

THE TOON U18's 3 DARLO U18's 0

Posted '10:00 am bells' Friday 9th December 2011
"ST JAMES' PARK SINCE 1880---AND AALWAYS WILL BE!"
(PHOTO SHOWS ACTION @ THE LEAZES END
JUST BEFORE REMIE STREETE'S GOAL)

On a freezin' caad and windy neet The 'U18's progressed to the 4th roond of the FA Youth Cup by defeatin' Darlo 3-0 @ St James' Park.

The bitin' wind had kept the crowd doon and they were housed mostly in The East Stand with the rest in the directors box opposite, with approximataly 100 Darlo fans hundled together at reet hand side of The East Stand.

The Toon took the lead in the 29th minute when a Brandon Miele corner foond centre back Remie Street's heed and he nodded in past two defenders and the keeper at The Leazes End.

The score remained the same until half time but
wor lead was finally doubled in the 70th minute, when Marcus Maddison fired home at The Gallowgate End, to aall but 'end' Darlo's chances on pullin' off a shock result. 
Marcus then ran the full length of the field to celebrate in front of the Darlo fans who had given him 'stick' for most of the game!  (He'd went doon for a soft challenge in front of them in the forst half and they booed him every time he touched the baall after that!)

The final nail in Darlo's coffin came 5 minutes later when Adam Campbell brilliantly lobbed the Darlo keeper from 20 yards oot, to send us intih the next roond.
A 'PRIZED' (BUT CRUMPLED!) TEAM SHEET---
ANLY 50 WERE PRINTED!?---
(AND THEY WENT LIKE 'HOT CAKES'!)


Footnote:
Attempts by the tannoy annooncer to caall 'St James' Park'  by a different name on at least fower occassions were met with total distain from the smaall crowd!


REMEMBER!--it's "ST JAMES' PARK---AND AALWAYS WILL BE!"


Attendance: 1,136 (100 or so Darlo fans)

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